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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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absolutely and i'm so sorry you are in this situation. my sisters and i had been taking turns staying with my mother who has dementia and after a few months i absolutely could not stand being around her any more. it was ruining my relationship with her and i was angry all the time. we finally made the decision to put her in memory care when she started waking us up all night long--we got zero sleep and could not sacrifice our health so that she could continue living like a crazy person. it has only been a few weeks since we placed her (which she did not want but we knew she would forget once she was there) and it has been a difficult transition but it has totally transformed our relationship with her. before we were always dreading being around her and angry and resentful and now it's just pure love. at least one of us visits her every day and i'm so glad to be able to have positive feelings toward her again. it's not a perfect situation and she still wants to come home but she is getting the care she needs and we are no longer being dragged down with her. if your sister is very wealthy they can certainly afford to at least pay for some in-home help for you, to give you a break.
How old are you? Old enough to have SS and Medicare? Have you spoken to ur son to see if you could move in with him until u get back on your feet? Did u get that Visa, if so tell your sister you need time off and take time to visit daughter. You need time to yourself. No person is made to care for another 24/7.
If your son, or even daughter, agrees to let you stay with them then inform your sister upon your return that you can no longer be Moms caregiver 24/7. That you miss ur home and you are going back. Sis will just need to place Mom in a nice AL.
I figured out at $10 an hr 24/7 care, your sister has saved 131k by not needing to hire aides. More if using an agency. For that much Mom could have been placed in AL using her income to offset the cost. If she has a house, that can be sold and proceeds put towards her care. There are options and you don't need to be one of them.
No, by walking away you will not be a favorite child/sibling. You may lose the right to see or talk to Mom. Write down the pros and cons of caring for Mom and see which side dominates.
From what you have described you are almost an Indentured Servant. (and yes they are taking advantage of you) They are paying for your medical, some other costs and you are living with and caring for mom. Once mom dies your "contract" of indentured servitude will be paid. Curious if they will still pay for your medical and housing once your "services" are no longer needed. Mom "refuses a carer" because she already has one. You should have a contract. They should be paying you. You should have days off You should not be working 24/7
You have a friend that you have tea with. I am guessing you have shared this information with her (going to assume it is a her) Ask your friend if you can spend a weekend with her. Inform the family you are going to take a few days off. Go. Leave NO information as to where you are going. "Accidently" leave your cell phone at home.
Your choice to continue as it is now or to change the situation. You can move out if you have the resources to do so. You are under no legal obligation to remain and care for someone. You are the only one that can change the situation you are in.
Getting to another point in your question. When a person with dementia constantly follows someone, usually a person they trust completely, it is called "Shaddowing" You have become a "safe" person. they recognize you, trust you. They may not "know" you or who you are but they trust that you will be there when they need something. They "know" that you accept them and understand that there is "something wrong". Your mom may not have been officially diagnosed with dementia (you do not mention it in your profile) but look up some of the signs and see if mom has exhibited any of them. If she does have dementia she will get more difficult to care for and you will need help. If you stay and continue as her caregiver.,
Figure out what serves you best in the situation you are in RIGHT NOW, then figure out IF you have the resources to assume some if any responsibility for your mother.
Your siblings may well object when you attempt to put yourself and your needs first, but you realize that their attempts to bribe you into taking care of your mother are just that- BRIBES, and they may protest the decisions you make, but ask yourself- “how hard are THEY attempting to come up with a care plan that is safe and compatible with the needs of all involved?”
OF COURSE they are “using” you, but if YOU are WILLING TO BE USED, you need to assume some of the responsibility.
What your mother wants or doesn’t want in regard to her care is PART of the issue, but NOT ALL of it. If you are willing to accept “what is expected of you” why should anyone co wider an alternative?
BE STRONG and FAIR, but don’t assume that your siblings are doing the right thing (except for themselves).
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
wishing you lots of love and strength, and your mother too.
very kind of your sisters and you, to have all tried so hard.
taking turns, etc., at home.
now facility.
“and now it's just pure love”
“and i'm so glad to be able to have positive feelings toward her again”
what a great success story!
:)
hug!!
If your son, or even daughter, agrees to let you stay with them then inform your sister upon your return that you can no longer be Moms caregiver 24/7. That you miss ur home and you are going back. Sis will just need to place Mom in a nice AL.
I figured out at $10 an hr 24/7 care, your sister has saved 131k by not needing to hire aides. More if using an agency. For that much Mom could have been placed in AL using her income to offset the cost. If she has a house, that can be sold and proceeds put towards her care. There are options and you don't need to be one of them.
No, by walking away you will not be a favorite child/sibling. You may lose the right to see or talk to Mom. Write down the pros and cons of caring for Mom and see which side dominates.
They are paying for your medical, some other costs and you are living with and caring for mom. Once mom dies your "contract" of indentured servitude will be paid. Curious if they will still pay for your medical and housing once your "services" are no longer needed.
Mom "refuses a carer" because she already has one.
You should have a contract.
They should be paying you.
You should have days off
You should not be working 24/7
You have a friend that you have tea with. I am guessing you have shared this information with her (going to assume it is a her) Ask your friend if you can spend a weekend with her. Inform the family you are going to take a few days off. Go. Leave NO information as to where you are going. "Accidently" leave your cell phone at home.
Your choice to continue as it is now or to change the situation.
You can move out if you have the resources to do so.
You are under no legal obligation to remain and care for someone.
You are the only one that can change the situation you are in.
Getting to another point in your question.
When a person with dementia constantly follows someone, usually a person they trust completely, it is called "Shaddowing"
You have become a "safe" person. they recognize you, trust you. They may not "know" you or who you are but they trust that you will be there when they need something. They "know" that you accept them and understand that there is "something wrong".
Your mom may not have been officially diagnosed with dementia (you do not mention it in your profile) but look up some of the signs and see if mom has exhibited any of them.
If she does have dementia she will get more difficult to care for and you will need help. If you stay and continue as her caregiver.,
Figure out what serves you best in the situation you are in RIGHT NOW, then figure out IF you have the resources to assume some if any responsibility for your mother.
Your siblings may well object when you attempt to put yourself and your needs first, but you realize that their attempts to bribe you into taking care of your mother are just that- BRIBES, and they may protest the decisions you make, but ask yourself- “how hard are THEY attempting to come up with a care plan that is safe and compatible with the needs of all involved?”
OF COURSE they are “using” you, but if YOU are WILLING TO BE USED, you need to assume some of the responsibility.
What your mother wants or doesn’t want in regard to her care is PART of the issue, but NOT ALL of it. If you are willing to accept “what is expected of you” why should anyone co wider an alternative?
BE STRONG and FAIR, but don’t assume that your siblings are doing the right thing (except for themselves).