My DH and I are both 60 and POAs for each other. I never was listed as a. Organ donor, but he’s always checked the box. I’ve told him already that I will not be cooperating should he be on life support and taken off just so a recipients family can be told they get his heart, his liver or whatever if he dies within the requisite 30 minutes while they, the recipient family, are appraised as to his condition while directing their incipient, incessant prayers that the “lords will be done” when their focus is THEIR loved one, not mine. This conflict of interest at such a stressful time is not something I want to deal with.
So my question is, if he remains a potential donor per DMV and I as his POA refuse to let him remain on life support for this purpose, must the doctors do what I say?
It is an inconvenient truth but a reality that anyone who considers organ donation and anyone who needs a donated body part should think about.
It is not made up and there are NIH studies and articles such as this one below that talk about this very thing.
It may make people uncomfortable BUT the truth many times is very uncomfortable.
People should have all the facts before they decide to give an organ or be the recipient of a donated organ. Instead we are given a sugar coated and false impression of this gift of life (and yes it is a gift that has unfortunately been perverted for profit).
Here is the NIH article if anyone cares to be educated and informed.
The Trouble with Anesthetizing the Dead from the National Library of Medicine.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6880062/
You need to put you foot in his shoes after death and do his wishes, for him.
It's hard when we strongly disagree with there choices, but it's just the right thing to do.
If I felt like my husband couldn't do what I asked to be done with my remains, then I would have to find someone else that will.
So I think you should go to your husband and tell him, you just can't see through his wishes, so he can find someone that can
If the donor family is ok with witnessing the “donor walk” with them still breathing technically into the operating room, if they’re fine with waiting the 30 minutes after which organs are not transplantable, if they welcome recipient correspondance with bouncing grandchildren, then FINE go ahead and be a donor.
BUT - this is a serious discussion you need to be having with HIM, not us.
If it were me, and my husband had EOL directives that I wasn't sure I would be able to follow, for whatever reason, and he was unwilling to change said directives, I would tell him to assign that particular directive to SOMEONE ELSE's discretion who WOULD be able to follow them.
Is it the donation you are against, or the circumstances that surround it?
I can understand your hesitation, especially the scene that you are describing; but it isn't easy to actually BE an organ donor. The older you get, the less likely it is your organs will be viable for harvest. It also depends greatly on what it is you die of, and if you have any other comorbidities. My BIL died very young (40's) of cancer, and although his widow was willing to donate his organs, they were rejected because of the cancer. The only thing they were able to take were his corneas.
There is also the question: if someone is so far gone that there is even a discussion about organ donation - well, it's like giving someone on hospice morphine. Is death being hastened? Being removed from life support, probably, but at that point what sort of quality of life does that person have? If my husband were in such a state where there was no hope of recovery, and remaining on life support would only keep his body alive while his brain and spirit and personality - all of the things that make him HIM - were already gone, I KNOW he would hate that existence. As I would, were it me. I would feel honor bound to follow his wishes, regardless of how heartbreaking it might be for me, because at that point I imagine my heart will already be in about 1 million pieces, regardless of any decision about organ donation.
But this is really something you need to discuss honestly and in depth with him.
In the beginning, through trial and error, they discovered it was not possible to perform this "miraculous" surgery with organs taken from someone truly dead, even if the donor was without circulation for merely a few minutes, because organ damage occurs within a very brief time after circulation stops.
To justify their experimental procedures it was necessary for them to come up with a solution which is how the term "Brain Death" was contrived.
Much is being done to get your organs. For an organ to be suitable for transplantation it must be healthy and it must come from a living person.
Once DBD (Donation After Brain Death) or DCD (Donation After Cardiac Death) has been verified and permission extracted from distraught family members (in cases where relatives cannot be located the government often now makes the determination on our behalf) the "organ donor" undergoes hours, sometimes days, of torturous treatment utilized to protect and preserve the body-container of "spare parts”.
The "organ donor" is forced to endure the excruciating painful and ongoing chemical treatment in preparation for organ excising. Literally the "donor" is now an organ warehouse and used for the sole purpose of organ preservation until a compatible recipient can be located.
Donation after circulatory death (DCD) can be performed on neurologically intact donors who do not fulfil neurological or brain death criteria before circulatory arrest. This commentary focuses on the most controversial donor-related issues anticipated from mandatory implementation of DCD for imminent or cardiac death in hospitals across the USA.
The truth of the horrific treatment and DEATH OF THE "DONOR".
Organ removal is performed while the patient is given only a paralysing agent but no anaesthetic.
Multi-organ excision, on the average, takes three to four hours of operating during which time the heart is beating, the blood pressure is normal and respiration is occurring albeit the patient is on a ventilator. Each organ is cut out until finally the beating heart is stopped, a moment before removal.
It is well documented the heart rate and blood pressure go up when the incision is made. This is the very response the anaesthesiologist often observes in everyday surgery when the anaesthetic is insufficient. But, as stated below, organ donors are not anaesthetised.
There are growing numbers of protesters among nurses and anaesthesiologists, who react strongly to the movements of the supposed "corpse." These movements of the “donor” are sometimes so violent it makes it hard to continue the taking of organs.
Medical staff are literally cleaving open the chests of these innocent people without anesthetizing them, and tearing out their organs, one by one, leaving the heart for last, after which point they are, of course, dead.
Look up: Zack Dunlap, Ryan Marlow and Colleen Burns to name a few.
Many times organs are harvested from donors with a heart beat without anesthesia and only paralytics are given so the body doesn't jerk and fail about (are they in pain? Many believe that yes they are).
It is a brutal business and many times the doctors don't listen to the nurses about patients showing signs of life such as Colleen Burns and others. How many people had their organs harvested while they were alive - we won't ever know because they are dead and only those who survive can tell their stories and even then it's not widely publicized.
I would never be an organ donor just based on the no anesthesia and only paralytics given. Tell your husband about these cases and maybe you can get him to change his mind.
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-dark-side-of-organ-donation/
Being that living donors even then surpassed the dead, even then, no wonder they don’t make it so easy even now to exit the list.
So I suspect in reality respecting his wishes wouldn’t trigger any of the concerns you actually have. It would just be a question whether his organs go on after him to help someone, or not.
Second, this aside, as his medical POA, your responsibility under the POA is to represent his interests and preferences—whether you agree with them or not—during those times he can’t express them.
You don’t get to turn on a dime and go against what he says. Or, perhaps you could do so, no one will stand up to a forceful POA….but you shouldn’t.
My advice to you is to talk to your husband about this. You say he’s checked organ donor on the card (which tells you his preference but is not legally the final word) but maybe he doesn’t feel that strongly about it. Or maybe he really does. You should find out/update how he feels about it, and then steel yourself to represent him truthfully on that front. That’s the solemn responsibility of a POA. He’s put his trust in you.
If you can’t do that, then you should have him assign a back up POA and if the circumstances require then abstain yourself.
I like this person. I can see why she did it, but for me as a person the notification of recipient family and their prayers would be too much to handle for me personally.
He received her liver. Many other patients received her kidneys, heart, lungs, corneas and skin grafts.
I think of her often. Her family did not want to honor HER request. There was some infighting, so we were later told (a dear friend was actually present at the hospital where she was on life support, and while he couldn't share much with us, I do know that her family fought with the hospital to ignore her Donor status.)
We got called to come to the hospital and waited almost 20 hrs before we received the 'go ahead' that this donation was happening. (and this was our 3rd 'call' to come do the transplant, the other 2 went to other patients.)
The donors are treated with SUCH incredible respect. I think if you look up "Donor Walk" you will see incidents where the donor is being wheeled into the operating room and staff and family line the halls in quiet respect for the great gift these people are giving. It's NOT gruesome, horrific or dramatic in any way. It's actually very tender and spiritual.
Unfortunately, TV shows have made this situation into high drama, instead of the incredibly humbling act of generosity. The TRUTH is that it is a tremendous gift, and if that is what your spouse has asked for, perhaps you can search your soul and think about donation in a different way.
They DO NOT rush to harvest organs. All the time the family needs to grieve and say their goodbyes is respected and honored. I know exactly how I felt as I sat in one hospital waiting room with my husband, and my emotions were really, at that time, solely with the family of the donor, in another hospital 5 miles away. I was not praying she'd pass. I was praying for peace for her family. I'm not unusual in that.
You do not, as the spouse, have the right to override the choice to be an organ donor. The doctors will treat you respectfully, but they will, if this happens--ultimately, follow what your DH wants.
My DH did write a couple of beautiful letters to the family of our donor. To this date, they have not chosen to respond back.
Our donor did not 'die for my husband' but she gave life to about 8 people. That's an incredible gift we can never repay.
In the 18 years since, my husband has been able to see 12 grandchildren come into the world. He has had a wonderful, fulfilling career and has been an active part of our family. He is healthy, and we appreciate every single day.
I hope more people can jump in here and echo what I am saying.
I know while we were rejoicing in a miraculous event, another family was grieving the loss of a young woman. No recipient of a donated organ is the same again.
But I will say morally, I believe we should honor are loved ones wishes even if it's upsetting and we don't want it.
Burials very much disturb me. I have a hard time thinking that my fathers body is just laying in the ground somewheres, and in a 1000 what ever years it could wash up in a flood. Who knows. But that is his wishes and my mom's, even though I disagree, when mom goes I will honer her wishes.
I would hate if someone didn't on my wishes and buried me instead of cremation.
So I'm trying to tell you gently that I believe your husband's wishes should be honored, just as you want your wishes honored
Medically, the donor is assessed for organ viability and once that's established, the recipients are notified. It can be hours, days or even weeks before the actual donation takes place.
Hospitals are sensitive to the donor families but respect the wishes of the DONOR above all.