My DH and I are both 60 and POAs for each other. I never was listed as a. Organ donor, but he’s always checked the box. I’ve told him already that I will not be cooperating should he be on life support and taken off just so a recipients family can be told they get his heart, his liver or whatever if he dies within the requisite 30 minutes while they, the recipient family, are appraised as to his condition while directing their incipient, incessant prayers that the “lords will be done” when their focus is THEIR loved one, not mine. This conflict of interest at such a stressful time is not something I want to deal with.
So my question is, if he remains a potential donor per DMV and I as his POA refuse to let him remain on life support for this purpose, must the doctors do what I say?
He received her liver. Many other patients received her kidneys, heart, lungs, corneas and skin grafts.
I think of her often. Her family did not want to honor HER request. There was some infighting, so we were later told (a dear friend was actually present at the hospital where she was on life support, and while he couldn't share much with us, I do know that her family fought with the hospital to ignore her Donor status.)
We got called to come to the hospital and waited almost 20 hrs before we received the 'go ahead' that this donation was happening. (and this was our 3rd 'call' to come do the transplant, the other 2 went to other patients.)
The donors are treated with SUCH incredible respect. I think if you look up "Donor Walk" you will see incidents where the donor is being wheeled into the operating room and staff and family line the halls in quiet respect for the great gift these people are giving. It's NOT gruesome, horrific or dramatic in any way. It's actually very tender and spiritual.
Unfortunately, TV shows have made this situation into high drama, instead of the incredibly humbling act of generosity. The TRUTH is that it is a tremendous gift, and if that is what your spouse has asked for, perhaps you can search your soul and think about donation in a different way.
They DO NOT rush to harvest organs. All the time the family needs to grieve and say their goodbyes is respected and honored. I know exactly how I felt as I sat in one hospital waiting room with my husband, and my emotions were really, at that time, solely with the family of the donor, in another hospital 5 miles away. I was not praying she'd pass. I was praying for peace for her family. I'm not unusual in that.
You do not, as the spouse, have the right to override the choice to be an organ donor. The doctors will treat you respectfully, but they will, if this happens--ultimately, follow what your DH wants.
My DH did write a couple of beautiful letters to the family of our donor. To this date, they have not chosen to respond back.
Our donor did not 'die for my husband' but she gave life to about 8 people. That's an incredible gift we can never repay.
In the 18 years since, my husband has been able to see 12 grandchildren come into the world. He has had a wonderful, fulfilling career and has been an active part of our family. He is healthy, and we appreciate every single day.
I hope more people can jump in here and echo what I am saying.
I know while we were rejoicing in a miraculous event, another family was grieving the loss of a young woman. No recipient of a donated organ is the same again.
The way a comment someone makes here in full faith KNOWING what they are talking about --and then within a day or two, the discussion becomes angry and hostile.,, this dynamic drove me away from this site several months ago and I see it's still alive and well.
If YOUR HUSBAND does NOT now wish to be an organ donor, he can do several things to keep that from happening. You didn't SAY that, originally, so people jumped in to DEFEND his choice. Period.
Acquire a NEW driver's license with NO box checked as to being an organ donor.
Make it a part of his WILL OR TRUST.
Make sure his doctors know of his wishes. It should be part of his medical history/records.
There's no need to be so angry over something that you have total control over.
My comments and knowledge come from the combination of being the WIFE of a liver transplant PATIENT, and the DIL of a GI Doctor who works with and for the liver transplant dept. of the largest # of liver transplants in our state.
I maintain my comments that transplant surgeries are carried out with decency, respect and reverence. OF COURSE there are some horror stories out there, but I would expect that, too.
I can only speak to my personal experience, and that of the many patients my DH and I met on our journey.
He had a car accident in which the car was totaled having been on fire this month. That moved me to where I am now.
My advice to everyone is to NEVER get on this list. If you’re a candidate, a trained hospitality/publicist will broach the question upon which you as the next of kin survivors get to say no to.
If the donor family is ok with witnessing the “donor walk” with them still breathing technically into the operating room, if they’re fine with waiting the 30 minutes after which organs are not transplantable, if they welcome recipient correspondance with bouncing grandchildren, then FINE go ahead and be a donor.
My husband is alive today thanks to an organ donor. The first transplant that didn't go through, we were "so upset" to hear the patient didn't pass in the required time period for the ORGAN to be harvestable, that we went to 3 estate sales. No, we did not sit around praying for his or her death so my dh could get the needed organ. So sorry to disappoint.
I'm truly horrified to read some of these comments. The donor who wound up giving his liver to save Chucks life was a fine young man. We've been in contact with his parents for a year now. We cry when we recall the day we found out the details of the young man's passing and his amazing family's bravery and love. And willingness to correspond with us and share their lives!
Not everything has to be turned into a debate about "morals". And if this DOES have to be a debate about morals, GOD bless the wonderful souls who DO have the courage and integrity TO donate their organs after the death of their physical body occurs. Like Chuck and I have done, and most of our 7 children.
This isn't a case of "money" either, where the organ recipient is expected or asked to "chip in" for a cremation or a burial! My God, how mercenary a thought. We didn't even get to send a letter to the donor family until almost 1 year after the transplant.
Nobody can, or should, try to comprehend the magnitude of emotions that are involved in a transplant situation, for all parties concerned. Until you've traveled that road yourself, you cannot imagine the joy and the sorrow that takes place.
So I suspect in reality respecting his wishes wouldn’t trigger any of the concerns you actually have. It would just be a question whether his organs go on after him to help someone, or not.
Second, this aside, as his medical POA, your responsibility under the POA is to represent his interests and preferences—whether you agree with them or not—during those times he can’t express them.
You don’t get to turn on a dime and go against what he says. Or, perhaps you could do so, no one will stand up to a forceful POA….but you shouldn’t.
My advice to you is to talk to your husband about this. You say he’s checked organ donor on the card (which tells you his preference but is not legally the final word) but maybe he doesn’t feel that strongly about it. Or maybe he really does. You should find out/update how he feels about it, and then steel yourself to represent him truthfully on that front. That’s the solemn responsibility of a POA. He’s put his trust in you.
If you can’t do that, then you should have him assign a back up POA and if the circumstances require then abstain yourself.
I like this person. I can see why she did it, but for me as a person the notification of recipient family and their prayers would be too much to handle for me personally.
BUT - this is a serious discussion you need to be having with HIM, not us.
If it were me, and my husband had EOL directives that I wasn't sure I would be able to follow, for whatever reason, and he was unwilling to change said directives, I would tell him to assign that particular directive to SOMEONE ELSE's discretion who WOULD be able to follow them.
Is it the donation you are against, or the circumstances that surround it?
I can understand your hesitation, especially the scene that you are describing; but it isn't easy to actually BE an organ donor. The older you get, the less likely it is your organs will be viable for harvest. It also depends greatly on what it is you die of, and if you have any other comorbidities. My BIL died very young (40's) of cancer, and although his widow was willing to donate his organs, they were rejected because of the cancer. The only thing they were able to take were his corneas.
There is also the question: if someone is so far gone that there is even a discussion about organ donation - well, it's like giving someone on hospice morphine. Is death being hastened? Being removed from life support, probably, but at that point what sort of quality of life does that person have? If my husband were in such a state where there was no hope of recovery, and remaining on life support would only keep his body alive while his brain and spirit and personality - all of the things that make him HIM - were already gone, I KNOW he would hate that existence. As I would, were it me. I would feel honor bound to follow his wishes, regardless of how heartbreaking it might be for me, because at that point I imagine my heart will already be in about 1 million pieces, regardless of any decision about organ donation.
But this is really something you need to discuss honestly and in depth with him.
Now..If he has filled out a POLST indicting his wishes as to what forms of treatment that he wants for example Intubation, Tube feeding/ nutrition, and CPR that is a medical document that his doctors have to follow.
And if he has completed a Living Will that will also be a medically binding document.
If he feels strongly about being an organ donor and you flatly refuse this request of his if I were him I would change my Health Care POA to someone that is more in alignment with my wishes.
I have to ask, and it may be none of my business but you have posed the question...
Why are you so against organ donation.
There are MANY steps that a patient has to go through before they will take organs. They do not "pull the plug" on a whim and begin harvesting organs. A great deal of testing, planning goes into it before anything is done.
From my own perspective I speak from a laboratory research background in pathology. I have been in the autopsy room and have handled all types of human autopsied organs and tissue including whole brains. Never have I heard a word of disrespect from a MD or principal investigator. Our Pharmaceutical research in part depends on stored tissue from tissue banks nationwide. While some of the tissue is cadaver or animal it also includes tissue that has been biopsied or removed such as whole breast, lung and kidney. Patients have a right to decline donations and request that tissue be destroyed. Many other people do not mind and consent for the sake of research. Yes, this tissue can be sold to research facilities.
For those who may be interested in both the human cost and the scientific benefits to society. I recommend reading the " The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks" by Rebecca Skloot. (a remarkable investigative nonfiction work)
In closing, please know that I have three friends and one family member who are alive because of organ donation. My prayers and good thoughts are for both sides of this debate.
I also think that a definitive discussion needs to be held between potential donors and their families on what exactly the latter’s obligations are. It’s not like I’m saying that no one should do it, I’m just very much saying that a conversation should be had.
PeggySue, I am a California Resident.
The easiest way in California to remove your own name as donor is to GO TO THE DMV and do so.
I hope the admins will consider closing this question to discussion, myself.
Pro donation people have had their say here. Thats fine but my advice question stands. He wants off Californias donor list and the agency in charge is not letting him go.