My 84 year old mom moved in with my wife and I a year ago this month. She has mild trending moderate dementia. No other real health problems other than dealing with age/dementia related balance and walking.
We are currently at waking hour care. I am working from home, my wife takes care of the house and my mother during the work week.
The frustrations start that my wife suddenly has both my mom and I at home 24/7 due to covid. My brother, who said would help, has effectively disowned my mom so we are left with no options of respite other than my wonderful mother-in-law (who is English) who gives us small breaks every so often.
We've been extremely careful concerning covid of venturing out, so the house has become pretty small with a mother who is mobile and likes to come and sit in the same room as I'm working, etc. Her usual social norms have definitely been effected by the dementia.
We're at a point of my wife having care giver burnout. I try and do my share but also have to work to support the family and certain things have to be handled by a woman.
Main question, what options can we research to manage respite without endangering my mom? She has had the first round of shots and the second is due next week. My wife and I are still waiting for our age group to be allowed vaccines.
Mom should have had her shots ages ago and covid wouldn't be a concern. I mean, you could still get it but you won't give it to mom. That was a huge relief for us to have both our aging moms vaccinated.
And rules are being lifted--things are going to be OK. A 'new' OK, but we'll be back to socializing fairly soon. I, for one, am looking forward to DH returning to the office. He really missed the socialization that only other engineers provided!
Sweet of you to be concerned about your wife. She will burn out if you do not get her some support and she can have some spare time. I'm watching my SIL slowly tanking as my MIL will allow only SIL to care for her.
The statement concerning things handled by a woman is from my mother's perspective. She is the one not comfortable for me to handle, not the other way around.
I would suggest that it might be a good idea to start putting mom on routine: same wake up time and morning care, same times for meals, same time for evening care, same bedtime... the routine will help her to cope better. I would also suggest that it might be best if you can work in a room with a closed door and get everybody used to the idea of "door open = come in and visit" and "door closed = working and do not disturb."
Maybe start there, then do needed paperwork to get your mother signed up for the respite facility of your choice. There are some hoops to jump through with them, as well as with your mom's doctor, to get her clearance. You can always do a final walk-through before you take them up on the actual respite.
You and your mom might feel comfortable enough that she wants to move in. :-)
Respite is wonderful; but the reality is, it's a short term solution to a long-term problem. If you can manage to find care for your mom, would you feel comfortable traveling, with Covid restrictions still in place? Ever if you were able to arrange respite for your mom, and you were able to get away for a weekend, or a week, or even a month, the truth is, at the end of the trip, you and your wife are going to have to return home and pick up where you left off with the caregiving.
Have you thought about what the long term plan is for your mom? For when the time comes that her care needs far exceed what you and your wife are willing and able to do?
If your wife is being overwhelmed, then it is time to consider placing mom in a facility, or hire caregivers to come into the house to remove some of that burden from you. Either way, it's time to start to make sure that all your caregiving "ducks" are in a row; POA, DPOA, living will; etc. - perhaps it might be time to seek an elder attorney for advice to help with the process.
I have POA, DPOA and am her primary health 'person'. Mom has a trust, will, etc.
You are correct in that we do need to start making the hard call on the long term solution. With covid, we've been unable to visit facilities but hopefully that will be changing soon.
For the moment, I am looking for ideas for a break that we can schedule. We were hoping for a weekend a month from my brother which never really materialized and is now gone completely. For my wife, it really helps her to know that there is a break incoming on the horizon rather than feeling like she's mired in the situation.
For me, it is stressful trying to juggle work and the caregiver stress but is not impacting me as much as my wife. We need to start working on us as well as mom.