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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Younger I always thought a 9mm round cost about 50 cents, compared to the hell my mom went through in her NH for 5 years at $8,500 month. Now, after 5 yrs of being only caregiver for my wife, been asking same question. I was anal for years saving and investing for a fun retirement, 30 days in, her stroke. Probably use the fun retirement money for her care of some sort, and and just wonder would it 'would have' been like until checkout time.
There’s a FB page Well Spouse. Although there are many similarities, caregiving a spouse has different emotional burdens. It’s been a helpful outlet for me. What should’ve been the best years of retirement is an absolute nightmare.
Love the question and the answers it inspires. 1.Decisions must be made early and done legally. 2.The idea that a big heart attack or stroke will come and end it is so not true. What it does is make you more infirm and reliant upon others. 3.Make sure your whole family have copies of your legal paperwork. 4.Make your lawyer in charge of following your will, not kids. 5.Charge your lawyer with dispensing of your estate and that person will be the one to distribute or sell to kids per your will. 6.If you think you will end your own life with pills or starvation when you are old and senile - you won’t. You will be old and senile and have no clue. 7.Make a living will so that others will be required to abide by it and decide when you will go into hospice care - you might refer to a mental state as well as a physical state. State do not force feed and medicate only for pain. Be specific. 8.Make your friends aware of your decisions. 9.Live like you will die tomorrow - spend your money, take risks, stay on meds that keep you from becoming disabled, do the things you want to do and don’t listen to those who say you can’t because it is not safe!!!! Live simply and joyfully. Let everyone know how you feel about life and death. 10. Be aware of legislation in your state https://deathwithdignity.org/states/
We are looking at crystal balls for our future and don’t know what will happen. Take action now, or you may end up homeless.
I live independently alone without local relatives, so the nearest ones are 1,200 miles from me willing to help in my older years. Perhaps I will go to a facility in CA or elsewhere. Because I live on just Social Security, bank savings and some measly IRA’s, I will eventually have to go on Medicaid for long term care. I have POA with family in TX and OR and I am now only age 69.
I have set up LTC insurance that will hopefully pay for in home care until I feel it would be time to move to AL facility. We have no children and I do NOT want my niece or nephews to feel responsible for me. I have a living will that says no feeding tube or heroic measures if I am terminal or have dementia. Set up a family member to make sure my plug is pulled.
Peasuep: My DD took care of my needs when I was in an SNF recently for a month. She is also going to obtain POA for myself and her dad as we are soon to be 78 and 74 respectively.
Llama, I’m new here and just learning people’s back stories so please forgive me for not knowing your health challenges. I wish you all the best and I’m happy you have a daughter you can depend on.
It will be assisted living/NH as/when needed. NHs here are government supported so will not be out of reach financially. I/we should be able to afford a decent ALF or the help I/we need here in the condo.
My two oldest kids are not interested/suitable for POA or health care proxy. Their brother said he would be, but rarely communicates with me and has a wife who he will do anything for. She tried to set me up as a revolving bank account for her and has told me she can't be trusted with money. I have seen that, so I don't want him to be POA unless he is joint with someone else. My sig other, though younger than me, has more health problems than I have. He could do it if he is healthy but...
I may have to pay someone to be POA and health care proxy.
My two children (29 & 31) have been watching me care for my own mother (97) for many years and have seen the sacrifices that have been necessary.
They have told me (unsolicited) that they will build me a small home on their land and will hire in-home help when and if it's needed.
They have no plans to be daily 24/7 caregivers, but will have me close enough to oversee my care.
I'm fine with going into a facility if necessary but they are adamant that they are not going that route. It's their decision.
However. So far at 65 I am as healthy as I have never been and work very hard at staying strong mentally and physically. (It's been a challenge as a 24/7 caregiver.). I owe it to my children to remain as capable as possible for as long as possible.
Since you are quite firmly decided not to be a burden, while your children plan never to put you in a facility, it would probably be a good idea for you to tell them many times--preferably also in writing--that if your care *does* become too much for them to manage, to please put you in a facility. Otherwise, they may remember that they told you they wouldn't!
I recently posted most of this message under another question, but it would bear restating under this category as well. We are OLD. My husband will be 95 in 3 days. He is mobile for his age (uses a cane) but has some short-term memory and executive function issues. I will turn 88 in January and have back problems that impact my physical abilities. So far, I am able to maintain the household with some hired help. Our legal paperwork is in place. We are determined that our adult children will NOT provide hands-on care!
As is likely true for most low- and moderate-income elders, the cost of a continuing care community is out of reach for us. That is the case even with the long-term care insurance that we purchased 25 years ago--for which the premiums now cost what was once a significant down payment on a house. We did our best to plan and provide for our old age but never dreamed that we would live as long as we have. The possibility of outliving our resources is a MAJOR concern.
In order to conserve our resources, we need to stay in our current residence as long as it is at all manageable. We moved to a single-level manufactured home in a 55+ community 11 years ago. The rent is less than we would pay in our area for market rate housing and MUCH less than the cost of a care facility even when utilities, maintenance and upkeep are factored in.
I've stated many times that we do NOT intend to become a care albatross to our adult children, who are now at or near retirement age. They have earned their freedom in retirement. We sincerely hope to leave our home feet first but understand that may not happen. Independence is important to us, but we realize that it has its limits. We hope to make our Final Exits before we lose all our capabilities--with luck, that should occur in the not-too-distant future.
I am 90. I have enough money now to live alone with some paid help If and when I can't do that I will go into a facility. My youngest daughter has POA. If I am still alive in 13 years (I hope not) I will either ono Medicaid or just stop eating and taking meds.
When my dear grandmother turned 90, there was a big party, and she was often asked “don’t you want to make it to 100 now?!” She’d sweetly reply each time “Oh Lord, I sure hope not”
Good question. I forget to think of myself and my needs. I'm hoping to have a heart attack before that time comes. I have talked with my only son, who is currently incarcerated, and told him, put me in a nursing home. I don't have much money, so I would likely be on medicaid/medicare. I worry more about being here for him when he is released, as I am the only family and home he will have. I'm hoping god will spare me until my husband passes, and my son returns home so I can help him to become stable before I am gone.
There is one more thing - although I expect I will be fine in a nursing home, I told my son to check on my welfare frequently, even put cameras in the room, to ensure I am not being abused or neglected. It is unfortunate how often that happens in poorly run care homes. We should do everything possible to ensure the comfort and safety of our most vulnerable population!
I have my paperwork completed (though revisions will be done soon): Will, POA, Living Will, Health Care Surrogate, beneficiaries listed on all financial accounts, funeral & burial plans are in place (one call to the funeral home gets it going).
I have also created a binder with all kinds of information: legal, financial, passwords, health care providers, personal preferences (e.g. food, music, toiletries).
Everyone who knows me knows I do not want to end up in long-term-care, whether assisted living or a nursing home. Truly, I would rather be "dead" (departed from this existence). If I had access to drugs that could end my life, I would stock up on them, but I am not in those kinds of social circles.
I saw how my parents were "cared for" in a "high end" assisted living and skilled nursing community. I believe the most accurate description of the "care" is "institutionalized neglect." I see it again with a cousin (with early to mid-stage AD) effectively imprisoned in another "high end" assisted living community. As another child of a resident who saw the same thing put it, most of these "high end" places offer nothing more than "lipstick on a pig."
I haven't definitively figured out how I am going to end my life if the need arises and I have my wits about me. But I am working on it. :-|
So am I! It's likely very easy to acquire certain pharmaceuticals if we just knew the "right people" but, like you, I don't. Such substances are also available in many high school parking lots, but a soon-to-be 88 Y/O like me would be rather obviously out of place! I'm too old for jail.
I sincerely hope to be deceased before I need total "care" in today's profit-driven world. However, if that doesn't happen and I can no longer care for myself, I would enter a facility (even recognizing their many likely shortcomings) before burdening our family with hands-on care.
I don't know. I have all paperwork completed, in case I die, but if I don't, with no children and only one niece to rely on (and she is caring for my sister age 85 - her mother), I don't know. Both siblings have dementia, so I may have as well, some day. I am 83 now. Unfortunately, dementia patients don't have the option of suicide, even where it's legal. My current plan is to stay in my condo, with a caregiver as long as possible and then into some kind of memory care. I am lucky because I have the income to pay for my care and won't need to rely on government funds. But, unless my niece can step up, once my memory is gone, I just don't know.
If you are 83 and have no signs of dementia, perhaps you won't ever have dementia, even with your family history. There ARE elderly people who die without ever having lost their memory! While trying to plan for all contingencies is important, you may never have to face memory loss. Perhaps on this forum, we tend to forget that dying may occur in the absence of cognitive issues, because usually here we are concerned with such matters!
I have read posts here about exit strategies, and I completely understand. It's something that I might contemplate myself, if I were facing a long drawn out death, a reduced quality of life, and heartache for my loved ones.
However, I want to caution anyone who is seriously considering this about the way they decide to go about it.
Firstly, research has shown that there is a statistical higher chance of children, grandchildren and siblings (depending on respective ages at the time) of a suicide victim also committing suicide. It is especially more likely if the death occurs in a particularly traumatic manner.
Secondly, unless the person is very frail, overdoses and other chemical methods of suicide can result in severe health issues rather than death, such as ”locked in syndrome”, which to me sounds like a living hell. An exit strategy should be meticulously planned, which is why people who have the option go to places like Dignitas.
Lastly, consider who might find you and how doing so would affect them. Anyone who is serious about this, especially if they feel that their main reason for needing an exit strategy is to save their loved ones the heartache and trauma of watching them slowly deteriorate, please think about the horror of the last image someone could be left with if you die by violent means. It might be over for you, but not for them.
I would never exit by violent means. I plan instead to utilize hospice should I ever qualify. A weeks worth or morphine and Ativan would do it, but I’d actually hold out to get oral diluadid. I’d potentiate by drinking grapefruit juice and vodka blended with ornamental foxglove flowers and taking original Dramamine.
Digitalis is made from foxglove, and what I just described is the dignitas cocktail. The problem with them is that they’re in Switzerland, and I prefer to take my time working up to it.
SUCH a good question, especially for those who won't/can't have children/relatives to make tough decisions for them. We are currently dealing with two elderly "spinster" aunts (think "Aresenic and Old Lace" without Cary Grant, sadly) who made no plans. Good times. One is now in a SNF and actually very content there, thank goodness. The other wants to die in her home and refuses to make any safety-minded changes; Doesn't like having help in the house, and is generally stubborn and foolish - And remembers nothing. To some extent we are washing our hands of the 2nd one - We can only do so much because we aren't nearby; Luckily a kind neighbor and friend keeps an eye on her and is her healthcare proxy. Good luck to her. So - Plan ahead. Sure, maybe you won't get dementia and you'll die quickly from a heart attack, but guess what? That's not how it usually goes. So plan for the worst case: No spouse, alone, incapacitated mentally and/or physically. Who do you trust to make to make the tough decisions? You may have to pay someone(s) (It IS a big responsibility). Set things up legally - Protect these people from any relatives who might have other ideas. Maybe a pastor, maybe an eldercare attorney or consultant. There are options - Find them. This field will get bigger in the near future as there or more and more of us. Just don't pretend it won't happen, and end up e.g. having some disinterested nephew calling the shots; i.e. Take whatever control you can.
If I do one thing in life it's to make sure that my daughter doesn't have to go through what I've been through. Which means, frankly, being smart about my money and the money I spend on my Dad right now.
When I was 10 years old and helping with my grandfather with dementia (I would be left alone with him for several hours at least two days a week), I said then that I was going into a nursing home because if I had any children they would not have to take of me and ruin their lives. I'm lucky that my mother didn't knock me across the room for saying that. I meant it then and 61 years later I still mean it. It's not fair to make my children lose a part of their lives taking care of a decrepit, possibly incontinent, possibly demented person. I sat my oldest two down when their father passed away and told them exactly that. When I finally did remarry and he passed away, I told my second set of sons the same thing. I am hoping they will put me in a good nursing home and I don't really care where it is located as long as they come to see me once a month or not...because how will I know? I would like to think I have gotten this far without losing my marbles and when I'm put in a home I can still talk on a telephone. Assisted living would work or a mother-in-law addition would be good also, if I still had enough faculties to not burn the house down. No matter, I don't want them to have to take care of me as most of us do and have done.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Now, after 5 yrs of being only caregiver for my wife, been asking same question. I was anal for years saving and investing for a fun retirement, 30 days in, her stroke.
Probably use the fun retirement money for her care of some sort, and and just wonder would it 'would have' been like until checkout time.
1.Decisions must be made early and done legally.
2.The idea that a big heart attack or stroke will come and end it is so not true. What it does is make you more infirm and reliant upon others.
3.Make sure your whole family have copies of your legal paperwork.
4.Make your lawyer in charge of following your will, not kids.
5.Charge your lawyer with dispensing of your estate and that person will be the one to distribute or sell to kids per your will.
6.If you think you will end your own life with pills or starvation when you are old and senile - you won’t. You will be old and senile and have no clue.
7.Make a living will so that others will be required to abide by it and decide when you will go into hospice care - you might refer to a mental state as well as a physical state. State do not force feed and medicate only for pain. Be specific.
8.Make your friends aware of your decisions.
9.Live like you will die tomorrow - spend your money, take risks, stay on meds that keep you from becoming disabled, do the things you want to do and don’t listen to those who say you can’t because it is not safe!!!! Live simply and joyfully. Let everyone know how you feel about life and death.
10. Be aware of legislation in your state https://deathwithdignity.org/states/
i bought long term insurance a longtime ago and hope i can continue to pay for it.
if not … 🤷♀️
I live independently alone without local relatives, so the nearest ones are 1,200 miles from me willing to help in my older years. Perhaps I will go to a facility in CA or elsewhere. Because I live on just Social Security, bank savings and some measly IRA’s, I will eventually have to go on Medicaid for long term care. I have POA with family in TX and OR and I am now only age 69.
My two oldest kids are not interested/suitable for POA or health care proxy. Their brother said he would be, but rarely communicates with me and has a wife who he will do anything for. She tried to set me up as a revolving bank account for her and has told me she can't be trusted with money. I have seen that, so I don't want him to be POA unless he is joint with someone else. My sig other, though younger than me, has more health problems than I have. He could do it if he is healthy but...
I may have to pay someone to be POA and health care proxy.
They have told me (unsolicited) that they will build me a small home on their land and will hire in-home help when and if it's needed.
They have no plans to be daily 24/7 caregivers, but will have me close enough to oversee my care.
I'm fine with going into a facility if necessary but they are adamant that they are not going that route. It's their decision.
However. So far at 65 I am as healthy as I have never been and work very hard at staying strong mentally and physically. (It's been a challenge as a 24/7 caregiver.). I owe it to my children to remain as capable as possible for as long as possible.
As is likely true for most low- and moderate-income elders, the cost of a continuing care community is out of reach for us. That is the case even with the long-term care insurance that we purchased 25 years ago--for which the premiums now cost what was once a significant down payment on a house. We did our best to plan and provide for our old age but never dreamed that we would live as long as we have. The possibility of outliving our resources is a MAJOR concern.
In order to conserve our resources, we need to stay in our current residence as long as it is at all manageable. We moved to a single-level manufactured home in a 55+ community 11 years ago. The rent is less than we would pay in our area for market rate housing and MUCH less than the cost of a care facility even when utilities, maintenance and upkeep are factored in.
I've stated many times that we do NOT intend to become a care albatross to our adult children, who are now at or near retirement age. They have earned their freedom in retirement. We sincerely hope to leave our home feet first but understand that may not happen. Independence is important to us, but we realize that it has its limits. We hope to make our Final Exits before we lose all our capabilities--with luck, that should occur in the not-too-distant future.
I forget to think of myself and my needs.
I'm hoping to have a heart attack before that time comes. I have talked with my only son, who is currently incarcerated, and told him, put me in a nursing home.
I don't have much money, so I would likely be on medicaid/medicare. I worry more about being here for him when he is released, as I am the only family and home he will have. I'm hoping god will spare me until my husband passes, and my son returns home so I can help him to become stable before I am gone.
There is one more thing - although I expect I will be fine in a nursing home, I told my son to check on my welfare frequently, even put cameras in the room, to ensure I am not being abused or neglected. It is unfortunate how often that happens in poorly run care homes. We should do everything possible to ensure the comfort and safety of our most vulnerable population!
I have also created a binder with all kinds of information: legal, financial, passwords, health care providers, personal preferences (e.g. food, music, toiletries).
Everyone who knows me knows I do not want to end up in long-term-care, whether assisted living or a nursing home. Truly, I would rather be "dead" (departed from this existence). If I had access to drugs that could end my life, I would stock up on them, but I am not in those kinds of social circles.
I saw how my parents were "cared for" in a "high end" assisted living and skilled nursing community. I believe the most accurate description of the "care" is "institutionalized neglect." I see it again with a cousin (with early to mid-stage AD) effectively imprisoned in another "high end" assisted living community. As another child of a resident who saw the same thing put it, most of these "high end" places offer nothing more than "lipstick on a pig."
I haven't definitively figured out how I am going to end my life if the need arises and I have my wits about me. But I am working on it. :-|
I sincerely hope to be deceased before I need total "care" in today's profit-driven world. However, if that doesn't happen and I can no longer care for myself, I would enter a facility (even recognizing their many likely shortcomings) before burdening our family with hands-on care.
However, I want to caution anyone who is seriously considering this about the way they decide to go about it.
Firstly, research has shown that there is a statistical higher chance of children, grandchildren and siblings (depending on respective ages at the time) of a suicide victim also committing suicide. It is especially more likely if the death occurs in a particularly traumatic manner.
Secondly, unless the person is very frail, overdoses and other chemical methods of suicide can result in severe health issues rather than death, such as ”locked in syndrome”, which to me sounds like a living hell. An exit strategy should be meticulously planned, which is why people who have the option go to places like Dignitas.
Lastly, consider who might find you and how doing so would affect them.
Anyone who is serious about this, especially if they feel that their main reason for needing an exit strategy is to save their loved ones the heartache and trauma of watching them slowly deteriorate, please think about the horror of the last image someone could be left with if you die by violent means.
It might be over for you, but not for them.
Digitalis is made from foxglove, and what I just described is the dignitas cocktail. The problem with them is that they’re in Switzerland, and I prefer to take my time working up to it.
To some extent we are washing our hands of the 2nd one - We can only do so much because we aren't nearby; Luckily a kind neighbor and friend keeps an eye on her and is her healthcare proxy. Good luck to her.
So - Plan ahead. Sure, maybe you won't get dementia and you'll die quickly from a heart attack, but guess what? That's not how it usually goes. So plan for the worst case: No spouse, alone, incapacitated mentally and/or physically. Who do you trust to make to make the tough decisions? You may have to pay someone(s) (It IS a big responsibility). Set things up legally - Protect these people from any relatives who might have other ideas. Maybe a pastor, maybe an eldercare attorney or consultant. There are options - Find them. This field will get bigger in the near future as there or more and more of us. Just don't pretend it won't happen, and end up e.g. having some disinterested nephew calling the shots; i.e. Take whatever control you can.