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Hello PowerOf3,
You've gotten many great answers. But the one that resonates is from "my2cents".
From what you described, he didn't enjoy himself and thus, it seemed, needed to bring others to his level of misery. What a good idea to have a small, "special" meal, and even go so far as to accommodate his actual holiday with a gift certificate. Well, I don't need to recap m2c's answer, as he/she is clearly a diplomatic genius.
I wish you well.
R27
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I agree with the advice of others. Go visit him on the Eve of the day (Thanksgiving AND Christmas). Take him some kind of meal and a card or small gift. Say that this year you are only celebrating "low key" and not having anyone in. Holidays are "just a day" but they are important memories for your mutual children, no matter how old they are. Maybe look into whether there are any senior center activities on that day or in some area near by. Or maybe your gift could be to pay for him to Uber to another friend's home who may also be alone. But don't ruin your day for him. It's not mean. It's protecting the kids.
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He's probably telling his friends at the casino,
"Ugh. The holidays are coming up and I am dreading the heck out of it. My Goddaughter is probably gonna try to drag me out to someone's house again because she feels guilty and worried that I will be alone. I'd rather spend my day here gambling!"
:-)

Do not invite him. Take him a plate of food.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
xenajada you could be right. It’s doesn’t seem the case but things change as I’ve learned here. He and his wife never had children, she was a mail order bride sent back to Japan because she was infertile. They had a long life of travel, entertaining guests, and enjoyed gambling. Perhaps children get under his skin now? The sound of laughter and excitement may envoke feelings I’m not aware of.
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My feeling to handle this would be....#1 Do not argue with him or bring up past issues. He will not change, be it old age or always getting his way. Save your breath and nerves. I have gone through similar with a parent all my life. I would only visit him at his home, for a short visit. I would drop off a holiday meal for him, maybe the day prior, be it home made or take out. Serve it to him even if you will not be partaking in it or sit down and enjoy it with him. Only happy talk! Don't let anything else come into the day. And be on your way with a smile.
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If you feel you must invite him to Thanksgiving this year, I suggest you play it by ear. If he starts calling you and ranting about having to wait to be picked up, I'd say "Sorry, I changed my mind. Thanksgiving is off." And stick to it. If you pick him up and he is in a foul mood, walk away and leave him at home. If he waits to misbehave after you take him to your home, take him right back home or call a Taxi to take him home. No one should be held to a deathbed promise. No one. You tried, but he messed it up. No guilt.
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Definitely no, plan a daytrip if nothing else to keep it honest...but no.
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If he doesn't appreciate your kindness and he is nasty about it, then have yourself a merry little christmas without him. And don't feel bad about it.
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My God....this man does NOT deserve to be included in anything with you people and YOU do NOT deserve this. If you can't be tough enough to NOT invite him, then you are cooked. Tell him you are visiting friends outside of the state, they invited you and you are going. Offer to bring him a good meal the day afterwards but do NOT let this man come near you to destroy your time. He is not worth it. He should be on his own and lie in the bed he makes. You must be tough.
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There would be no way I would take any chances of having him back over and being on pins and needles to see if he decides to act up and ruin the day, NO WAY. I would simply let him know in advance you're having a different kind of untraditional holiday & not having a house full of people over, so he can make other plans for the day but you can drop off a plate of food or some pie in the evening if he'd like. Less details the better, coming over is not his entitlement or even owed an explanation. Feel no guilt & enjoy your company with people who appreciate your hospitality. Happy holidays.
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Why not do a little dinner for him and your family a week or so before Christmas. Get some sort of small gift for him, eat together, and take him back home. If he asks about Christmas day, remind him about last year (without being confrontational) that it didn't seem he had that great of a time because you had to rush so much to get it all together and you thought the calmer, more personal setting, would be better for both of you to enjoy a Christmas meal. Cook some of his favorites - doesn't have to be a huge Christmas meal. Use small cornish hen instead of a huge turkey, etc.
You won't have to fib, which could come back and haunt you later, it won't ruin a day for others, and he had the opportunity to celebrate with his family. Wrap up leftovers he could eat on the real holiday - or the gift to him could be a restaurant or cafeteria coupon to use on Christmas day - or a bus ticket to go gamble for the day. Minimal complaining for him/embarrassment to you, no guilt for snubbing him during the holiday, everyone has a better day on Christmas
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Isthisrealyreal Nov 2019
1 cornish game hen. Only one and get those single servings pies and get only one. Then cut everything up and share.

Christmas miniatures! The new tradition.

Sorry, I could just see this tiny table with a whole miniature dinner. I think that would be fun.
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Unfortunately, we also have this. I appreciate reading these responses. My husband is the grump. He absolutely won’t speak to anyone, and for last two years I’ve gone to daughters home this year a lot is going on and she asked me to have it here. I’m dreading how to keep him being nice. In the past, it’s been horribly awkward and I’m surprised they’ll even come back. No discussing no begging changes it.
Wish there was a casino. Lol.
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my2cents Nov 2019
Sad that your husband has to act like that, but if daughter asked you to have it at your house, she has learned to move on around his behavior. Don't worry yourself with making him be nice because you really can't. He's going to do what he's going to do. If there is a way to move most of your visiting to a room away from him, move if he starts acting badly. I think every family has that one person who has to show their ass during family events - so just be sure it's their ass that was shining and not your own by refusing to engage in the nastiness.
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Id tell him this year he is not invited, make other plans. He ruined the holidays last year. Maybe he can be left out on Thanksgiving, then given a reprieve for Xmas. If he complains, rushes you, or makes it horrible, he goes home immediately. End of story.
I had to do that with my mom for a few years. She learned, then she was good. Actually delightful. My sibling also reminded her. I think she didnt like being alone. You have to treat them like a kid. Being invited is a privilege not a given. Good luck. No one likes their holiday ruined.
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You cant change him but you can change YOU. Change the way you do thi GSM, manipulate his surroundings to manipulate his , change your attitude. It make a world of difference when you take control of the reactions of him and yourself. It literally is less work.
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I read stories like this one and they make me so angry. Your godfather has a lot of entitlement and mean spirited. The elder Japanese do demand respect but they aren’t all hateful like him. Anyway, no one has a right to behave like a bratty two year old and ruin everything for everyone. If you acquiesce and invite him over for any holiday then you need to work on boundaries, recognize enabling and learn how to grow a spine. This man may be a godfather but he is as god-less, selfish, and ungrateful as they come. Tell him to make plans at the casino for the holidays this year and offer no reason. You don’t owe him one. But if he asks just be vague and say that you are being untraditional this year. End of story. How do you allow yourself to be ok with being treated like this?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
It’s just progressively gotten worse and once I remembered how bad he was last Xmas I panicked, and posted. I will not be spending Christmas with him anymore, since he got sick earlier this year he’s become more rude so I’m sure it’d be worse. I’ll try Thanksgiving ONE MORE TIME and seat him strategically... regardless, Christmas won’t be happening ever again.
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Why not just go visit him for a few hours.? Bring him some pie or a plate of ledtovers.
If he asks what's up, simply say your visiting/ed friends or family from spouses side or tell him youre just trying something different.
You can figure some excuse out.
Just make sure you stick to the plan.
Sure you may need to sacrifice part of your day but not all.
Give him a choice. You come over or dont come over. Up to him.

Good luck and Happy Holidays.
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Harpcat Nov 2019
No I do not think he needs to sacrifice any part of his day.
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STOP ENABLING GRAMPS TO RUIN YOUR LIFE. TALK TURKEY....Tell him to Stop Bitching or He will be Twitching ALONE AT HOME. Happy Holidays, Hope no Storm your Way that Day....
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Seriously give up on doing this for him, at best he is unaware of the efforts that you are obviously making ( either intentionally hes doing this or unintentionally due to some sort of disease process - despite any non diagnosis yet ). Either way the man is not there , not present and not what you want or need. Give yourself a break go somewhere for you leave him with his own tv and sports channel and a pre-prepared xmas meal of sorts. Sorry if this sounds heartless but I just cant stand the sulky pouty childish behaviour that often accompanies our aged loved ones. Either way he is either oblivious to what he is doing or is being a royal ungreatful so and so!
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jacobsonbob Nov 2019
As a few other comments have suggested, maybe he would be happier going to the casino or wherever for holidays. Not everyone "gets into" Thanksgiving and Christmas.
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First off...WOW! 90 years old, driving, volunteering, casinos...this man sounds healthy unlike everyone elses' LO they are caring for. Exclude him this year and after holidays, take him a plate of food and a present. Tell him exactly why you are not inviting him this tear. Be blunt if necessary and hopefully he will get the message. He's very independent and will figure out another way to spend the holidays.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Essie that’s my intention to a T. I’ll remind him of last year and give him gifts at a restaurant a day or 2 before. And for crying out loud yessss, crazy healthy 91 yr old. After being on this forum here since he got sick, I dread so much more what this looks like in the future. He does have LTC though(even though he didn’t want me to know that) I’ve gotten so much help and sound advice I’m so grateful I’d rather have ALL YOU for Thanksgiving truth be told. Lotta work but what a grand time we’d all have!
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IF you decide to invite him can you set "ground rules"
First being that he will be picked up at...and not to call, you will have your phone off and will not answer.
Second. If at ANY time he is rude or complains you will take him home. At the first rude or mean comment you get your coat, get his and drive him home. You can then return to your gathering. (If you don't want to do that then call a Cab, they can take him)
If he does not agree to any of this then he is not welcome and he can enjoy his holiday at the VA helping to serve Veterans and Active Service men and women that can not get home.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Theres no “setting rules” with him. He’s old and stubborn and healthy enough so I’m not giving him the children’s holiday! Honestly I don’t owe him anything. It’s a time for sharing and caring and cheer so since he’s not THAT way, he’s not coming. If he was nonchalant or quiet about things I could tolerate him no problem but to demean people and ruin an entire holiday when he’s had 91 of them? No and No!
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There are Churches and other organizations that make meals for people who are homeless or/and alone. Compile a list and give it to him.

I feel for him, but he should appreciate that someone opens their home to him. Cudos to u for telling him how you felt last year. Stick by ur guns. He has made his bed. He either changes or remains on his own.
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With a big effort, one could take him breakfast that morning, so he is not last.
One could go out with him alone, the day before for a Turkey lunch or dinner...to Dennys or another coffee shop. Sit far enough away that his spit does not reach your plate, or put up a barrier to protect your plate.

Or, drop off a special lunch before you go where you are going.

If one is having dinner at the home of a food stamps recipient, instead of bringing a completely different meal to her dinner, give her a grocery gift card
in advance so she can prepare. Then ask if she would like you to bring something for dessert, and what would that be?
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Make a plate and drop it off for him later, leave it at that. Why ruin everyone elses Holiday because of him, make no sense to me.
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Um...No.
Don't invite him.
If you want to do something nice, drop off a plate to him that evening.
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Sometimes we allow ourselves to get trapped by all the hype that surrounds the holidays - have you ever considered that maybe he also feels pressured to attend these family gatherings (from social expectations or perhaps a sense of duty to you) and would really much rather sit home alone? If you put it to him that he doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with your family and that you have decided you'll take him out for lunch another day, just the two of you, what do you think his reaction would be?
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
I said previously I don’t consider myself to force holidays on him. He normally drives over on these holidays (or I pickup if her house) I mean he asks what I’m doing weeks prior so he’s been invited for a decade or so since his wife passed and always attends.
It was indeed brought to my attention that could be the case as I read the responses... Perhaps he doesn’t enjoy them.
Regardless... we’re “not celebrating in town this year” so He has enough time to make arrangements at the casino, he definitely enjoys that place.
(8)
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He's a grumpy old man. He's been rude & ungrateful in the past. That makes you feel uncomfortable/embarresed/angry.

Invite him - he will be himself - you know what he's like - what you're in for. It's only a few days.

Or if you think it's too much to put up with - cancel on him. Just sorry, going elsewhere this year.

Either way, you can decide that his behaviour, rude or not is his & has no influence on your day. "Oh him, yes he's like that".
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As someone who determines eligibility for food stamps I can tell you it is inappropriate (illegal) to use them for anyone other than the people on the food stamp case....so it's also not appropriate to complain that someone didn't appreciate this effort to use the children's food money on them.
With all the complaints about the guest, don't invite him this year.
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
Ok I didn’t see that coming! Thank you, and I reimbursed her as well!
(4)
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Let him sit home alone! Your only young once!
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He is 91 and some of his behavior is probably due to his aged filters being broken. Nonetheless, you don't need to feel responsible or guilty about entertaining him. I agree with others who suggest taking him out to lunch or taking a meal to him prior to the holiday and explaining that you won't be able to get together on the actual holiday. You don't need to explain why or that this is how it will be for the next holiday and all the following ones. But if he does ask, then you can choose to tell him how his behavior last holiday was inappropriate and Scrooge-ish.
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Let him sit at home alone.
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If Christmas and Thanksgiving are meaningful holidays for you, don't allow other family members to ruin them for you. You have every right to spend the holiday with or without anyone you choose. The first year you establish a new "routine" for the holidays is the hardest; after that it is much easier. "We are going out of town for Christmas," if need be to get you started with the separation. If you feel that you must, invite him over for lunch a week or two beforehand to "celebrate" early since you will be "out of town."
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PowerOf3 Nov 2019
I don’t have him over my home casually, just these 2 holidays unless we go to her place. That’s it. But we’re having a new tradition called “rude ungrateful people can be alone” this year.
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