Recap: 91 yrs old, recovered from knee replacement and subsequent MRSA and sepsis. Still no diagnosis of dementia or onset, lives alone and he’s back volunteering 40 hrs a week at VA hospital and his weekly bus trip to gamble (not an addiction but a pastime he can afford and enjoys greatly) I see a difference in his behavior/personality but it’s chalked up as age appropriate so far.
Last year was THE WORST so I’m really dreading this year. I have 1 son and my girlfriend has 1 daughter so we spend holidays together because our families are out of town or estranged. I always invite him over, take him with us, but he’s been wrecking it. Last Christmas I was sick, had very little money but still managed. Cooked Italian food for 3 days, Christmas morning I’m wrapping the few presents and packing everything up and called told him I’d be later than noon to pick him up. (My friend was hosting since she decorated and I didn’t cuz I was sick mid December so I did food) she knew he preferred white meat so she spent her food stamps and cooked all day Xmas eve so he had a completely different meal to cater to his preference, NOT a dietary need. He started calling me at 12:15 every 15 minutes with snarky messages. I just couldn’t wrap, finish cooking, shower, and pack up everything fast enough for him! Upon our arrival when I saw she cooked an entire day/meal I told him how wonderful and how special he is treated and he just sat there pouting that he had waited for me to pick him up. We put on sports channel got him situated on couch and proceeded to get dinner together, 2 different dinners. He bitched, pouted, and was so rude and unappreciative I was so embarrassed, ashamed of him and angry I couldn’t see straight. I couldn’t get him fed, throw presents at our children and leave her home fast enough. He offered no gifts or even cash or cards to our children, he always carries over $500 on him, he has plenty of money and he’s completely mobile. SHE SPENT HER KIDS FOOD STAMPS JUST TO FEED THE MAN!!!!!
I’m dreading both Thanksgiving and Christmas and that’s not fair when he would otherwise sit home alone instead of being catered to, fed, and a pile of presents knee high (we try so hard to pull off holidays with meager means but we do it every time). I thought about fibbing that we’d be spending Xmas out of state with family, it seems so mean though. Do I let him ruin both holidays again or let him sit home alone?
VA Volunteer Director called me yesterday that he would be arrested today if he continues to trespass at the VA hospital. They’ve been trying to get him out the ER Dept for a year! He convinced Everyone he made a full recovery (as for surgery yes) but he’s been getting complaints from dr and nurse staff all this time. He doesn’t care he’s in the way, he doesn’t care it’s fast paced and insists they’re lying and he’s no problem. His walker isn’t in the way and they don’t move that fast He Insists. I called PCP and found he’s cancelled all his appointments and also geriatric neurologist appt. He’s lying to me and PCP. I gotta be the bad guy so I’m guessing getting POA for medical and financial is going to be like pulling teeth😭
I took his access badge to hospital and they appreciate his kindness for volunteering but he isn’t a good fit in the ER. Can you imagine having to bail him out of jail because he keeps going and has been told he’s not welcome anymore, I guess they had to get rude finally. Do they even allow bail in military detention facilities? I don’t know where to start now if he’s not going to cooperate while he is mostly coherent????
I can't imagine how you feel.
One thing that I want to say, he may have a dementia that he really doesn't know that he is having a problem. I know it hard as can be when it looks like lies all over, no responsibility and no care for others, but I would bet that it is largely due to dementia.
His executive function is pretty gone based on what you posted.
I pray that you can help him, it is really difficult when they don't know that they are having problems. You will be accused of everything imaginable, know it is the disease, as much as it still hurts, he most likely hasn't a clue.
Hugs! Tough times.
Praying for strength for you and peace for him.
Unfortunatly this probably means that you have to spend time with him to figure out how bad he has become. Any hospitalization or medical incident can cause an increase that may or may not get better. It is usually the people that know him well see change before any doctor would notice.
I would ask the director of volunteers for their opinion and that of others that have known him throughout the years.
The only thing that is certain with dementia is that it is all uncertain.
Look at this as progress towards him being safe and cared for.
Are you your godfather's guardian?
If you are not, you have no legal responsibility. You need to tell the VA that they should proceed how they feel they should because YOU have no legal authority to MAKE him do anything.
Sometimes we need to step away in order for folks to get the care they need.
By the way, when was the last time he had a check up.. CT SCAN OR UTI ?
It could be just cranky 91 year old stuff hitting his mind/brain, that he is no longer in control of himself...
He lives alone... anyone checking on him on a daily /weekly basis?
Tell him if he wants to come over, it will cost him $50 per child towards their college fund.. Might as well start saving for college now... and if he has funds... let him know, degrees are not free.. any help to get them a degree is so much appreciated...
My friend moved he FIL into one. They went over everyday to walk him to the cafeteria... and followed him back to his apartment... He never got it... He was clever enough to catch a ride from security... :)
He ended up in the memory care unit after a couple falls and mishaps...
Start looking into senior living areas near you... They usually have fun functions and things for seniors to do.. He might appreciate more friends and people around.... Visit a few with him and take tours with him.. They will usually give you a free meal when you tour the facility.... Make a fun daytrip of it.. He might really enjoy it.. Engulf yourselves take the time and visit...
My son and I were invited to my Aunts new home in the foothills, so I was very hesitant since I have very little family. After much thought (her being 70 and house full of boxes) plus she doesn’t pay for sports channel, has no coffee pot and did ham, I couldn’t subject her or myself to it 😢 I just couldn’t. I told him he wouldn’t have coffee or sports or white meat and he said it was “ noooo problemo” but I know better so if he made her feel bad I would have not handled it well! We had a stint of bad weather so I had to drive my truck and I can’t lift him into it, plus steep driveway and stairs (I exaggerate a bit) it wasn’t a good combination so I told him I couldn’t get him there safely and he would be miserable considering his behavior last year when he had all those things so I was going alone. He still never has apologized or ensured me it wouldn’t happen again.
We had a wonderful warm quaint Thanksgiving without him, I feel a little bad but would have felt FAR worse had he insulted my dear Aunty and made me drive an hour back home hungry and angry. I brought a plate of goodies for him. He got it today.
I hope you had a nice day and all turned out well?