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92 yo bedbound mother, chronic UTI, CHF, on daily nitro patch, recently began having erratic HR (26/39/56/87/110) in a rapid and sporadic manner, once or twice a day... this morning had pain in chest; gave two sublingual nitros and it resolved (not first time, but been months since last episode). Yesterday noticed bruises on the bottom of one of her feet. Looked like true bruising - not speckled mottling? Noticed another bruise on outside of her calf tonight... Bruises are confusing to me as they are not speckled and mottled...Just trying to prepare. She has given me soooo many false alarms, I feel a bit numb. (false alarms due to my lack of experience - not any kind of manipulation on her part!)
She is still alert, talking, eating, drinking, pooping and peeing...
Also she doesn't seem to know she is drawing close?? I am a bit lost about how to or whether to talk to her about this? In the past when I thought she was about to go, we had talked about it and she had joked about "finding the button and pushing it" or "having Scotty beam her up" and more recently, that she didn't know "how to go"....
But hasn't been any conversations like this of late.... She is such a private person.... I am reluctant to bring it up...and don't know how to proceed. She has always said she wants to be alone when she goes...
Advise?

Is she still taking food and fluids? Is she sleeping more than being awake?
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Reply to Advocata
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I don’t see any point in discussing death with mom, she’s proven she’s reluctant to talk about it, clearly she knows it’s coming as it does for us all, just leave her in peace. As for “preparing” there’s really no such thing. Death comes when it wants and always takes us by a bit of surprise even when we know it’s coming. Our hospice nurse told us with my dad to look for 3 signs: stopping eating, stopping communication, and sleeping a deeper than normal sleep. All proved true and were present in his last 2-3 days. Nothing is set in stone, but it’s a good guide. Please don’t concern yourself with being there for the moment, it really doesn’t matter as mom will not be aware. Death is truly a solo experience. I wish you and mom both peace
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Laineyisat May 6, 2026
Dear Daughterof 1930,
Thank you for sharing your words of wisdom. Good to know the 3 signs....
I appreciate you taking the time to reply.
Lainey
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Thank you, Cwillie. She "graduated" out of hospice the end of February - "no longer in decline". She does have a tiny bit of dementia - which I guess is why I am questioning that issue. When I explain to her that her heart rate is being very erratic, she says "well I am just lying here - why is it doing that?" To which I reply, "I think it is just tired." I have considered calling hospice and asking for a re-evaluation, but she really didn't like them coming. She is a very private person. It didn't help that the Hospice Nurse felt like it was her job to make Mom laugh... it just wasn't a good mix. (!)
I appreciate the counsel to give her some alone time.... It is a delicate balance. I want to be there to give her the nitros - which stop the pain...
Thank you again for speaking up. Sorry you have regrets with your mother. This dying business is certainly not easy. God bless you!
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If you have already had this conversation I don't think you need to bring it up again, you are both as prepared as is possible and there's no benefit in shattering her well being if she chooses the comfort of denial. So many recommend that you need to "give them permission to go" and forcing that issue with my mother is one of my many regrets.
As for the rest, are you not getting any guidance from hospice? If you are unsure you shouldn't hesitate to call them, that's what they are supposed to be there for. I do believe that we have some ability to choose out exit time so don't sit in constant vigil, allow her some time alone too.
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Yesterdayanurse May 7, 2026
And maybe call a different hospice company. The last one obviously wasn’t in her best interest.
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