I feel I am being forced to be a care giver by my husband. It is his epectation that I do much of their care. I resent this and it is very negatively effecting every aspect of my life including my physcial and mental health. I am becoming bitter and angry. I do not want to do this anymore. My husband will say that I am not responsible but then almost daily either a caregiver does not show up or he is busy and I am told to fill in as of course he cannot leave them alone. I am considering leaving as my only way out but it is hard after a 33 year marriage that was good up until this situation.
I do think you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your husband, and state that, for you, there has to be change. I think he may get a better grasp on things if you have this information in writing for him to look over - maybe even before your discussion. Some people understand when talked to about abstracts, and some need something more concrete before they understand. I am not against the idea of you taking a break for a while, because then your husband will experience what you go through. I am sure he is having some feelings about the whole situation - not wanting to fail his parents, but he needs to appreciate that he must not fail you either, and if it comes to a choice, you come first. Marriage counselling is a good idea too, and could be part of what you present to him. If he won't go, it still will help you to go alone, as you are about at the end of your tether. You say your 33 yr old marriage was good up until now, so it is not something to be thrown away without doing all you can to solve the problems. These are just suggestions we all throw out. You know yourself, and your husband better than anyone else does. Do what feels right to you, and let us know how it goes, My hopes and prayers are with you. (((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) Joan
There are no easy answers, but don't think throwing away a 33 year marriage is worth it; but I do agree if you feel like running away!!!
Many of the elderly accept the changes in their lives without expecting everyone around them to be as accepting. Better to be proactive now in planning their care needs and what you can and cannot undertake, for whatever the reasons. Being a caretaker is not for everyone; and there is nothing wrong with that.
Overseeing their care in the form of a facility can work out quite well. Good luck to you.
I disagree with the others that you should take a vacation from your husband. You do need to discuss with him the things that you have said here and let him know your limits. It is strange how it is almost expected that female in-laws will step up to the plate when it comes to elder care. I have seen it here in my home. My mother believes my SIL should do more. She excuses her son because he is too busy, but she resents his wife. It makes no sense. I tell her that SIL is not her daughter, so does not owe her anything. I have not really been able to get the point over to her about the SIL, so my mother stays full of resentment.
Do you work at home?
Just let your husband know what you are willing to do. 33 years of marriage is too much time to risk on a temporary problem. I know that he is also stressed out about the situation. I hope that you'll be able to find something that works out for everyone. Just hang in there. It will work out.
I understand your husband wanting to honor their wishes and NOT be placed in a care facility. But his first commitment is to YOU (his marriage) and his kids, not the parents, so he's dropped the ball there I'm afraid. Why do people automatically think that they have to have a parent LIVE with them in order to 'take care' of the folks when they get old? Either way, it's still taking care of an aging parent no matter how you look at it.
Is there an out of state friend who is always urging you to come see her? How about a sister or cousin? Does a friend own a lake cabin you could borrow for a week? If you stay in a few different places for several days each, you could have time to recharge your batteries while husband gets a realistic look at caregiving fulltime. (I think I'd try to avoid involving the kids if possible.)
Marriage counseling might be a good idea.
Tossing out a formerly good marriage without a lot of effort to salvage it would be sad. Give a trial separation and counselling a try, first.
Are your in-laws living in your house? What is the nature of their impariment?