I’m a caregiver to my mom who has mid-stage dementia. My mom’s dementia is rough and it makes her shout uncontrollably at night, especially when I need to clean her when she wets herself. She would shout for few minutes while I put her back to bed around 12:30 am. Then, she will stop and fall asleep. I’ve tried every trick in the book and nothing calms her. My issue is our new next door neighbor would knock on the wall at night in order for my mom to shut up and that knocking sound further scares her and makes it even worse. What can I do? I don’t want to go talk to them, they don’t look friendly. Can they call the police on us? My mom is not screaming all night just shouts when I’m changing her between 12:15 to 12:40ish am. What would the police do in this instance?
I start to suspect trolling when previous intelligent posters start screaming at each other and acting like 13 year old mean girls. It's what trolls thrive on.
It cheapens this site.
Can't find the response and some mentioned Lasix water pills. Is Mom on this?
I think your office friend maybe mixing up "medical" condition and the Disabilities Act. Dementia is not a disability. I have to agree that when this person rented, he should have been told about the neighbor. Since he wasn't, he does have a good cause to sue the Landlord.
I know some of us may seem a little harsh in their responses but your neighbor does not have to be sympathetic to your problem. Mom may be becoming more than u can handle and u may have to place her. Maybe reread the responses and write down the suggestions and see what ones you can use. Really, its up to u to solve this problem.
I think that fair housing laws will soon see your "friend" fired and possibly sued. With you as a named defendant.
I think you should be completely ashamed of your selfishness in this matter. You definitely know how to make enemies with your entitled attitude.
Who thinks that anyone should willingly, with a smile, put up with being jarred awake by screaming for a half hour nightly?
I mean, these days San Francisco allows all this.
OP is more emboldened now that she has a friend in the rental office who backs her and her screaming mother up, basically giving the middle finger to the neighbors.
"My mother can shout and scream all she wants in the dead of night, and you can just suck it."
Inconsiderate, rude, and selfish.
OP, may you have many years and decades of diaper changing in the dead of nights.
Bye!
p.s. I hope the neighbors will sue the owner for all the moving costs, and any differential in rental expense between the current and the new place.
Would be cheaper (much) than MC or assisted living.
My uncle, when I was a child, had WW2 nightmares, so many must moan or scream. Are there other Depends style
you could try. Even the wetness causes itchiness or pain.
Luck to you.
I use to manage my own rental properties and also managed a commercial office building. Anything reasonable was approved and usually left for the next tenant to benefit from.
Now the question is what are you going to do about your mother to be a good neighbor? You received some good suggestions are you going to do any of them?
They don't know what it is or they would know it's less damaging then hanging a picture. Obviously, they have never hung anything with hot glue. It peels easily off and leaves no damage.
If you rent, you have to do the best thing possible to not get evicted or cited by the police for disturbing the peace.
And don’t be such a coward. I wouldn’t look too friendly either if you were subjecting me to this kind of disturbance every night. Contact your neighbors and let them know what the situation is. Tell them you are looking for a single family dwelling and to bear with you until you find something. Then do it as soon as possible. In the meantime, try the approaches others have suggested except the soundproofing. Gluing panels to the wall is ludicrous, especially if you rent.
And as with a yappy dog, you can’t expect them to understand. It cracks me up seriously when ppl start rationalizing that the dog must be mistreated or it’s animal cruelty for brownie points so they can seem to care. They care about making the noise go away.
And yeah no if this is a rental you can’t be modifying the walls that way.
If I am awaken from a dead sleep, my heart literally pounds and I can't get back to sleep. If I am trying to get to sleep, I must have peace and quiet. No TV, no radio, no white noise. Walls in these places are thin. I too would be upset if I had to deal with this day in and day out and I understand Dementia. I also think your Mom is passed middle stage.
Does Mom complain she is wet or is this just how u do things before u go to bed to insure u get some sleep? Do you wake her up? Because this maybe the problem and if so stop. If I didn't have Dementia I would not appreciate being waken out of a dead sleep to find someone touching me, especially trying to change my pants.
Is she still able to use a toilet? If so, stop liquids a while before she goes to bed. If she can still use the toilet, then have her go before you get her ready for bed. A good barrier creme is Desitin used for babies just make sure the area is clean before putting it on. Do what has been suggested concerning doubling up on her Depends.
I am sorry, but even if your neighbors understand the situation, they still may not like it. People have jobs, they need a good nights sleep. If you are going to continue to care for Mom, maybe you should find a house you can rent. I know changing rooms may not work because bedrooms in apts tend to be on shared walks.
Yes to your answer, police can be called. If too many times, they may suggest u make other arrangements for Mom.
Spend the money to cover all of the walls in moms bedroom, completely, with the very heaviest foam you can get. I would also order a large hot clue gun and install it using that. Then it will be easy to remove and doesn't create holes that sound can carry through.
So, to answer you, YES, your neighbors can call the police and, YES, you can get cited for disturbing the peace. You could even be evicted for this.
Many people will understand but, that doesn't translate into putting up with it. Being jarred awake every night by screaming would make most of us look unfriendly to the culprit.
Sound proofing and changing her diaper schedule, along with speaking to the neighbor and explaining that you are fixing the problem will get rid of some of your stress about the situation.
Great big warm hug! This has to be awful for you.
It will be difficult to face the neighbors, as you are probably ASSUMING that they are going to be angry--but chances are, once they understand, you will feel able to figure this out.
And as for Cover99--what IS your problem? Methinks you are a thwarted obscene phone caller. Newsflash for you: you are NOT funny.
Honestly, you would be best advised to knock on the door, say straight away that you've come to explain, and let them know that your mother has dementia and sometimes it is hard to settle her, you're sorry if they've been disturbed.
What is it about the changing that makes your mother shout, by the way?
YOU get annoyed that the new neighbors knock on your wall but
You expect the neighbors to NOT to get annoyed with your mom's shouting.
Such noise is no different than if young children were living next door shrieking as they play, or running up and down the stairs, and there was a day sleeper living next door.
One idea is Sound Reducing Wall Panels. Not sure how much sound such panels would muffle but it might be worth looking into.
That's how to be a good neighbor, clear the air, and keep tempers at bay.
Can you move mom to a different room to sleep?
Can you move to a different apartment where there isn't another neighbor next door? Like where you are the end unit, for instance?
Maybe it's a good idea TO speak with your neighbor to let them know what's happening; that you are caring for your elderly mom who has dementia and she's upset at having her brief changed, etc. Not that they would necessarily understand, but they MIGHT. You don't know. At least you'd be explaining the situation and not leaving them to imagine the worst, you know? Plus if you explain that when they knock on the wall, it further agitates your mom, then maybe they won't do it anymore.
There is a product on the market called Chewelry; it is intended for dementia patients to chew on as many folks with dementia like to chew and/or have something in their mouths to pacify them. If your mom likes to chew, you may want to look into this product and let her chew on it while changing her, as Margaret suggested:
https://www.arktherapeutic.com/chewelry/
The other thing you can do is to ask her doctor for something to knock her out for the whole night and don't try changing her at all till she wakes up at at regular time in the morning. Put extra pads in her brief, barrier cream on her privates, and hope for the best. This is a situation where you could potentially get evicted, so no answer you find will be 'perfect', so you need to find one that's the least harmful I suppose.
Best of luck.
I could be wrong here, but the gist I am getting is:
1. You feel there’s absolutely no way to stop mom’s screaming.
2. You feel the neighbors should be more forgiving since mom has dementia (can’t help herself) and screams “only” for around 30 minutes. After midnight.
3. You are not liking the replies here that say the neighbors have every right to be mad. Which they do.
You say you’ve tried everything to keep mom calm, but mentioned nothing about medications or ways to avoid changing her at night. It really looks like medication is the only way to go here. Everyone in this situation is miserable!
It is unfair to think neighbors should tolerate the screaming. They pay to live there too. It would be one thing if the incidents were few and far between, but every single night? Even if they knew why she screams, the reason means little when they are woken up every night.
Your options: Get mom some melatonin or other medical relief. Find a way so she doesn’t need changing during the night. Move mom’s bed away from walls or in another room. Or consider memory care, because this is not going to get better and it looks like mom is needing more care than you can provide anymore.
You should look at the lease for specifics when it comes to noise and other disturbances from other tenants.
However, you also don't know what your neighbor is going through. They could be working two jobs, going through a break-up, on the brink of financial disaster, or in the depths of depression. Waking up in the middle of the night could be taking them to breaking point.
My recommendation:
1. Talk to your neighbor. Let them know you situation and maybe they will be more compassionate.
2. Try to find a way to stop your mother from waking as there are many suggestions from other readers.
3. If none of this works, you may need to consider moving or other solutions for your mother as the situation could escalate.
Most importantly, take action now. Don't wait as it won't improve on its own.