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Yes, Mayday, or maybe she only met mother two days ago and hasn't yet got a feel for how much interaction mother is going to enjoy.

When you're working in a person's home and establishing a relationship, you can't just go at it like a bull at a gate. Some clients do like the bright'n'breezy approach, true, but others are far more reserved; so it's a mistake on a caregiver's part to make assumptions.

I've been doing a double-up round this week, attending calls with a co-worker to clients who need two people to support them. My co-worker is great, very experienced and conscientious, but ohmygod she NEVER shuts up! - but it didn't seem to bother anyone apart from me :) I expect they'd describe her as chatty and friendly. I was mentally calling her other things by the end of the round...

NYCmama, if the tasks and routines that have been specified are being done to a reasonable standard, I should give the interpersonal stuff more time to develop. You say this lady is nice? - so maybe she's just not quite as extrovert as the short-term aide your mother liked.

The more active role with light housekeeping: again, a caregiver can't make assumptions, and this part you have to take VERY seriously. I might think "I'll just take the recycling out and wipe down the counters," and you might think that harmless enough, BUT!!! - if it isn't on the support plan, it serves me right if I get my ears ripped off by my line manager because the client's family has complained that I interfered. You cross boundaries at your peril.

Sitting on the other couch - also correct - "hands, face, space."
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NYCmama Jan 2021
Thanks for your input! Everything I asked for is in writing - so no assumptions. There is a closer sofa nearer to my mom but still distanced well enough for Covid protocol. There is a difference between talking too much and barely engaging at all. Or doing a couple of cleaning tasks or doing none at all. My gut is on high alert - yet as you suggest, I am going to hang in there and see how the rest of the week and the relationship progresses.
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go with your "gut" don't second guess your feelings or your mom's...

you know... trust in your instincts and your mom's..... not sure? talk with the aide and point blank ask her why she is not engaging so much..; maybe she is tired or her heart wasn't in this to start with.
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First of all, is she through an agency or private pay?

You are absolutely right to want the best fit for your mom’s needs.

You left a specific list. So, I feel there isn’t a lack of communication.

You have cameras set up. A picture is worth a thousand words!

Is she new to caregiving? Does she have experience with patients with dementia? How far along is your mom’s dementia?

Did you tell her about your mom’s personality?

For instance, “Mom likes to do puzzles. Mom likes to chat over a cup of tea, etc.

I told our caregiver that mom would love for her to share a pot of tea or coffee with cookies.

Mom loves seeing photos of children. Please feel free to show photos of your kids to her.

Mom lived with us and I followed the agency’s rules.

The aide did bathe mom.

Housekeeping was only for mom’s room and kitchen area.

I requested light housekeeping, vacuum her room, empty trash, change bedding. Prepare light snack and meal.

In our case, the agency told us that the aides were companions to the elderly, as well as caregivers.

If this is private pay, explain that your mother enjoys socializing with others.

Socialization is important and is one of the favored qualities of assisted living facilities and nursing homes.

You say that you made a list, but are you able to have a personal conversation with her, perhaps saying how appreciative you are to have help in specific areas because your mother is no longer able to do these tasks.

If there is no improvement after a reasonable amount of time, go ahead and look elsewhere. I would give her a chance to find her way. Maybe she simply forgot the trash.

I had one aide that was a perfect fit for mom. I asked if I could have her every week. They agreed and mom was happy with her.

I am wondering if the sitting far away is part of the Covid training protocol in caregiving these days.

Keep us posted on your progress.

You aren’t alone. It’s challenging overseeing caregiving for our parents.

I am glad that you have some help. Some of us went without help for far too long which is a recipe for complete exhaustion!
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NYCmama Jan 2021
She is not private pay - she is a Medicaid aide with several years experience working with the same agency. On the first day I gave her what I call a "cheat sheet" in which I explained Mom's background, her interests, what she focuses on, how she's still grieving for dad, etc. It was a general rundown of what her day is like, including meals, ideas for snacks, vitamins, her medical needs. Lastly I asked for simple housekeeping-wiping down counters, keeping the apt. tidy and vacuuming with the lightweight sweeper. My mom is a very sociable woman who goes along with everything.The sitting so far away is odd and I dont believe it has anything to do with Covid. She can easily sit on the sofa that is at least 6 ft. away. I suspect she is sitting there because she thinks she is out of the camera view.
I really appreciate your suggestions and am going to see how the rest of the week goes. It's so hard to be a caretaker when every decision can affect your loved one.
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