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What is the financial situation of these folks?

It sounds like they need to hire a geriatric care manager to manage this complex situation.

I have a cousin; at one point, she and her husband (both working full time but with no kids still at home) were managing 6 elderly adults. One lived with them; they had 24/7 care for her and their adult children stepped in as well. Two (my aunt and uncle) were in their own home, also with round the clock care. 3 were elderly spinster aunts who were in Assisted Living.

Believe me, this was exhausting just doing the managing. Tell Fiance to take a huge step back, make sure these folks are in care and MAYBE he can manage the "big picture" stuff.
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Happytimes1982 Apr 2022
The financial situation isn't the best. Her grandmother has a little in savings (not too much), a home she owns outright and a life insurance policy.

Dad and Uncle both are on disability (and have been since they were in their mid 40s). Both dad, uncle and gma live in the one house but all require care to some extent.

When dad is mentally well, he is functional and can care for the other two. When he is unwell he can be so severe that he barely knows his name.

Fiance isnt in any financial position to care for any of them at this time.
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When your loved one is in the hospital, there is never "no choice" not to pick them up.

"No, I can't possibly do that."

"I'm out of town."

"If they are competent to be discharged on their own, send them home in a cab. And then I'll call the local TV station and my state representative. We can BOTH play this game."

"Find a rehab that will take him. I don't care WHERE it is."

Just a few suggestions of how to play hardball with the discharge planners at hospitals. Make them do their job.
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Happytimes1982 Apr 2022
Thanks....my fiancé would never do this to his family EVER. I wish he would have boundaries with them....it just won't happen. This is why he is in the situation he is in IMO.
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Your fiance needs to understand that there is a huge difference between giving people what they need and giving them what they want.
His grandmother can't be allowed to call the shots here. Neither can his father and uncle.
Your fiance cannot provide the level of care these three people need. No one person would be able to. I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and I couldn't handle your fiance's situation on my own.
He is not the only one left to help. He has choices. Homecare is a choice. Nursing home placement for grandmother is also a possibility.
Have a talk with him. The 'who wouldn't help their family' mentality he has is likely based on a good many years of guilting. It's not helping his family if he drives himself into the ground trying to do for them. What good will it do for him to enslave himself to them?
He can help them by arranging for them to be cared for. He does not have to do it himself. If these family members refuse to accept the help you and him can offer, screw them and walk away. Good luck.
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Happy, so nothing has changed in a year for the better?

If he is depending on you to take care of everything, pay all the bills and he does whatever he "feels" he needs to for his family, I think you have your answer. He doesn't see you and your children as his family. For me? I am not a sugar mommy, hit the road and go take care of your family so I am not being sucked dry emotionally, mentally or financially.

At 48 if he doesn't have the mental fortitude to say no, he will never be able to.

Grandma wants to die at home? Fine, this is what that will take granny, home help, not me.

Daddy's always having mental breaks? Stay on your meds or be committed to get stabilized and placed in an appropriate facility.

Uncle? What help specifically does he need? Find someone, not me.

There's a saying, Crap always runs down hill. There's a reason you feel like you are at the bottom of his list.
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Happytimes1982 Apr 2022
Your response of "he doesn't see you or your kids as his family" is what I've said to him as well. If he did, I don't think he would place us at the bottom of the priority list. As far as his gma...theyve gotten some home help but not 24/7 and seems to not be too great (home health didn't even know yesterday that hospital didn't send home the right prescription or look into her meds situation; fiancé was scrambling to deal w that mess); they did something with his dads meds to adjust ( a shot of meds that can't be missed)...thank you. For some reason I still feel a level of guilt that just may be my own issues though.
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"because there is no one else left to help."

Yes, there IS other help available, but gma won't accept it and he accedes to her demands.

As long as he isn't willing to have a "I can't do this anymore, gma" conversation (HARDEST convo I EVER had with my mom; she was in her "right mind" but had had a small stroke and didn't get that I would lose my job if I had to keep running away from work in order to put out fires), he is doomed to lose his life to her F.O.G.--Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Look it up.

I would not attach myself to someone who can't see that he has some hard choices to make in favor of his continued existence.
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Happytimes1982 Apr 2022
He seems to be having more "I can't do this anymore" convos with her but she's not hearing it..and he ends up going there and doing more for them. He's not strong enough to not give in to her demands. She cries and he just feels really bad for her and then I feel I get blamed somehow. I will look up that FOG...
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So, it sounds like this is a complex caregiving situation.

What resources has he involved in helping his family find care? Being a caregiver doesn't necessarily involve being on site and doing hands on care, nor should it prevent you from earning your living, saving for retirement and having loving relationships with others.

If any or all of those things obtain when you are caregiving, you need help.

For starts, he needs to call the local Area Agency on Aging and get his family members "needs assessments" so that he has a good idea of what they ACTUALLY need and not just continue to put out fires. Experienced Social Workers and RNs who work at these community agencies can see the big picture in a way that most family members cannot.

They can also identify resources (aside from your fiance) that can help with caregiving.

Does anyone have POA and Health Care proxies for these folks?

Some folks see themselves as superheros and like to ride in on a white stallion in the midst of an emergency. Then they get stuck in the trenches and their lives go down the drain because of caregiving.

Grandma should have gone to rehab, not returned home weak and disabled. Is she getting home therapy? Can that be arranged?

We have a poster here named Beatty who says "there will be no plan if YOU are the plan".

If gma is in her "right mind", Fiance needs to ask her what her plan is when he returns to work. He's done his share.
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Happytimes1982 Apr 2022
Thank you! Yes the situation is very complex. Fiancé feels he has been thrown into it because there is no one else left to help. He's basically been doing hands on care, and putting out fires as well as talking to so many doctors on the phone. I will advise him on calling the local area on aging for more help and assistance. He has the POA for them. He def seems to have hero syndrome, and feels if he isn't doing it then he gave up. I agree its completely unsustainable and counterproductive.
Grandmom went to rehab but complained and complained so he brought her home. She is receiving physical therapy at home now though. She is in her right mind, but her answer is "let me just die at home" with no real plan in place of caregiving and it all falls on him. This is why I am resentful and feel it isn't fair. She is of such sound mind she is able to pay her own bills, keep track of doctors appointments, etc even at 97...just extremely physically weak and very emotional (constantly crying). Its a terrible situation.
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He should take them all to the ER, tell them it's unsafe to discharge them to their home, and refuse to take them home if the hospital tries to get him to pick them up. The hospital will find placement for each of them.
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Happytimes1982 Apr 2022
He just did this...dad went to the ER and was in hospital for 3 weeks...they tried to find him a rehab facility for 1.5 weeks and still nothing so finally discharged him and told fiancé he had no choice but to pick him up...

Grandmom went from hospital to rehab facility and then was discharged as well.

so if they both went to the ER again it would be starting that same process all over.
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Go with your gut. This will not get better. His parents are already having health problems. He cannot take care of 4 people. Those people have to find their own solutions. I would not marry into this circus.
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