Long story short, my fiancé has been dealt a tough card of being the caregiver of a 97 year old, a mentally ill father in his 60's, as well as an uncle who also requires assistance. All three live together, his father and grandmother recently came home from the hospital after a 3 week stay (diabetes and major mental health issues for his father). His grandmother refuses to go to a nursing home yet she is extremely weak and requires complete care, but she is cognitively there--just very emotionally fragile. Hard to imagine but she constantly orders her son and my fiancé around. She then cries and my fiancé feels so bad that he gives in to whatever she wants/needs.
My fiancé is completely burnt out. ..took over 3 weeks off work (unpaid) to go to the hospital several times a day, deal with doctors, etc as he was dealing with multiple crisis situations at once with his dad and grandmother. He also had to check on his uncle (who was now alone, doesn't drive, and needs assistance) several times a day during all of this. I was away traveling for work at the start of all of this and he had to also come back to care for his 14 year old dog.
We live together about 30 minutes away. I am a single mom with two little kids and no family nearby and a professional career with lots of travel and heavy work responsibility. I also drive over an hour to and from work on the daily basis and have to cart my kids all over the state for travel sporting events. (just trying to paint the picture here of the situation).
I feel extremely guilty for being very resentful of my fiancé's situation. The situation has become progressively worse. He continues to say he is trying to get it under control so he can live his life, be more available for our family and my kids, stabilize the situation and go back to work, yet I don't see enough forward movement. (hiring more caregivers, etc). I progressively warned him that he shouldn't have them come home without all the help in place since it's unsafe for his gram to be home without people all the time, as well as making sure the house was in his name and not theirs---since there is a chance of a nursing home stay in the near future. She was in a rehab facility but kept demanding to go home, he gave in. Nothing has happened---he continues to drag his feet and do it all.... I'm very afraid he's going to start having major health issues himself from all of this.
I feel so bad for him but also resentful which makes me feel horrible. I feel like his family isn't thinking of him with all of this (him taking off work and then ends up falling on me to pick up the financial slack) and then I get the "who wouldn't help their family" from him and then I feel like such a horrible person.
My issue is that I feel like there's no end in sight and that me and my kids are the casualties with all of this. But maybe I am not being empathetic enough. I truly wish I was able to assist more to take the burden off him, yet my own schedule and life is barely do-able if that makes sense. I have to hire my own help here (cleaning person, etc) due to my crazy schedule and my Childrens crazy schedules.
How can I lessen the burden on all of us?? I am about ready to tell him to go move in with them and maybe we should take a break while everything is figured out. Yet he is insistent that he doesn't want to live there.
I'll add this in, we got engaged a year ago and right after that was when things seemed to go downhill with his family. We haven't been able to plan for our own future, plan a wedding or do anything because of having to worry about the next crisis. I am 39 (he's 48) and this all feels very overwhelming--I think for both of us.
I also want to say I feel for all of you that are caregivers. This situation has made me want to strongly plan for my own future so that my children aren't stuck picking up the pieces if I get ill.
If he keeps going with the martyr syndrome, you might be taking care of 4 people. He could have a med emergency from the sheer stress. You have to think about that because he won't say no.
Is the dad on meds? Sounds like he isn't if he had to be hospitalized. I wouldn't want kids around someone off their meds if that is the case. Or have them learn how to manipulate others, by having melt downs, or crying. Kids are sponges. They see everything. The entire household would be on pins and needles for his family's care. Waiting for the next crying jag etc. What if you planned an outing, and they found out? Would there be an emergency? Or calm?
Im glad you took a step back. He has to see, he needs to let others in for their care. That is way to much for 1 person. Maybe he needs a therapist to help him say no, or stop being so co dependent.
What happens if you get married? You will be expected to pitch in to be a care giver. Then they will try to manipulate you. When it doesnt work, because you have a back bone, there will be a lot of drama. Especially if one says no outside help. No nursing home. You might become the meddling outsider, because you bucked the system they have going. You already said they didn't want to meet you. That is a huge red flag. Instead of having an argument with one, it might be 4. Your fiance already can't say no to them. You won't come first. Their family does. He has already shown you who he is.
What if one of them runs out of money? What happens then? Something to consider.
Good luck.
Thanks for sharing more information. I have been caregiving for my mother for 9 years now, and I don't expect my wife to do anything that she is not willing to do. We both work and are saving steady for retirement while managing the schedules of different caregivers that come to the house. We use my mother's retirement check to pay for Caregivers and whatever else she needs (she doesn't qualify for social security because of the government pension offset rule). We strongly believe that we should be involved primarily as the caregivers' supervision, coach, and scheduler, not as their shadow, or to even do ALL the work ourselves. If your fiancé cannot simply manage a team of caregivers, or find a facility for each family member to be cared for, this is a big problem.
Looking at the long-term future plans...
Your fiancé needs to work consistently to support himself and his life with you and children, and this cannot be done while trying to miss paychecks as issues arise with his dad, uncle, and gma.
I encourage you to have the tough conversations with him about the future. He needs to present his plan to you on what his retirement savings plan is, and what retirement looks like before you say "I do." If he doesn't have a plan, you are dealing with someone who needs more than you should be giving. Couple this with the caregiving issues and you have a recipe of the worst tasting cake you can imagine.
I am sure that absent the caregiving drama, you enjoy his company, and you believe that he can be a good husband and step father to your children, but love can blind you on the long list of his short comings.
Hold off on marriage till he can do the following:
1) He needs to demonstrate that he has a plan to address the caregiving needs of his family without losing time off from work --- unpaid!
2) He needs to show you with his actions that you and your children are a priority in his life. This means you writing down all of your concerns and having a thorough discussion on each concern that you mutually agree to. You have to consider how your decisions will impact your children. You are an example, and they may take on a "project" human being because they see you doing it.
3) He must not be dependent on you in any way - especially financially as you cover things he is unable to cover.
4) He needs to present his plan to save for retirement, and if it only involves a social security check, he is clueless, and both of you need to sit down and hear the hard truth from a financial planner -- he may be so far behind that it will literally take decades to catch up --- will you want to wait or sponsor him in the meantime?
You sound like you are a very intelligent woman and mother, so you don't need a "project" or to raise a grown man.
You want him to commit to your family…I mean I doubt strongly that you’d kick your kid out at 18 because he said so. But you don’t wanna get involved with his family even now let alone when it gets more acute,
Maybe the best thing is to find a partner with young kids and no parents nearby.
Right now, you are heading towards your peak earning and saving for retirement years. I can't tell you how important it is for you to be squirrelling every cent possible into your tax-advantaged savings and college funds for your kids.
Every cent that you "cover" for him now is magnified into dollars in the years ahead when it needs to be there for your kids and your retirement.
Please consider this all carefully.
Find out if your state allows "spousal refusal": if it doesn't, you will find YOUR retirement assets funding HIS long term care.
I know most folks don't think about these things when they are in love, but in a second marriage, with kids, with unequal assets and earning power, it will loom large in a very few years. And Medicaid doesn't care about pre-nups.
If he is being promised an inheritance in exchange for caregiving, let him read some of the tragic tales on this board of folks who slaved for their "loved ones" for years, only to be left homeless, penniless, unemployed and unemployable seniors with serious physical ailments stemming from caregiving.
The way the system works in most states is that you use your funds to pay for care and then accept Medicaid. Medicaid then liens any real property that has been exempt, so the house needs to be sold to pay for that. There will be no inheritance after these 3 elders he is caring for are dead in 25 years or so.
Gma has been very foolish and short-sighted not to have arranged for a special needs trust for her sons if she wanted to "take care of her boys,"
Are you sure they're not a trio of grifters?
I believe that his family is very old school, just believing he should simply take care of them. I don’t think anything else beyond that(swindling), I honestly don’t think any of them have the foresight for that. I do think there’s been some strong manipulation of all the boys from gram, including fiancé. Her husband died 40 years ago (fiancé was 13), and I think she latched onto “her boys” after. I do believe she created a team that felt incapable of their own lives. This all came to light quite recently as I did think it was two quite disabled men until I realized that I think she created a good bit of this.
Those are folks who end up homeless. Or with a house that needs 100k worth of repairs because of delayed maintenance. And no money to pay the RE taxes and utilities (are YOU going to be paying for that while dad and uncle are living there?). If the house goes to fiancé after gma's death, he's on the hook for all of those costs, right?
The thing is, Medicaid USED to work that way and lots of people don't realize that the rules got changed when MERP became the law of the land-- Medicaid, managed by each state differently, has to do recovery from exempted assets after the recipient's death.
Gma sounds like master manipulator. She has disabled 3 grown men into doing her bidding rather than launching their own lives. Very sad.
Don't get sucked down this drain. Your and your children's futures are at stake.
You mentioned in an earlier post about getting gma to put the house in fiance's name now. Don't let that happen without a trip to a CELA-level eldercare attorney. That would be "gifting" and disallowed by Medicaid. Don't be confused by IRS gifting regs and Medicaids--those are two completely different animals.
I do wonder what this whole situation will look like once she’s gone. Fiancé take over this role? I can’t imagine him doing it long term. Fiancé is not someone who could be a homebody, at all. Temporarily maybe, but not long term.
Taking him on as a legal partner in marriage will complicate your life in too many ways.