My mom has dementia and lives in memory care. Recently she met another man while at an event in the community. This man lives in the assisted living side of the community. She says he works and has his own car. As her guardian, she gave him my phone number so he can get permission to take her out on a date. He has called and left me a message, but I haven't talked to him yet. I also haven't called the facility because I'm trying to determine the best way to go about it. Today she let me know that he surprised my mom by paying for a haircut and color at the onsite salon. I thought it was very sweet, but I am also concerned with where this will all lead. My mom is a very sneaky woman and has a history of trying to escape the facilities she has been at and being hypersexual. She has already made comments about wanting to have sex with this man. Because of this, I'm not comfortable with him being able to take her out of the community to go on a date. I wouldn't mind if they communicated and spent time with each other on-site. However, can I put boundaries on where they can go? The community is fairly large and the assisted living apartments are not in the main building where she lives. I don't want to stop her from having somewhat of a life but I'm very nervous that she will try to talk him into taking her out even when it is not allowed or get into trouble. Has anyone dealt with this? Any advice on the best way to handle this situation?
Why is mom in memory care? And are you really a guardian? Something does not add up. Your profile says mom lives with you? What is the story?
Why is he paying for her salon bill? I would object to him to paying for these services. Tell her that in the future you expect her to pay for her own services.
Can you notify the salon and ask them not to accept payments from this man? I wonder if he pays for other women’s hair appointments.
You said that you haven’t met this man. You don’t know anything about him. I wouldn’t accept any gifts from him because he may not be giving them out of the ‘goodness’ of his heart. He may expect something in return from your mom for his generosity.
Your mom is vulnerable and probably feels that his payment to the salon very flattering.
Best wishes to you and your family.
You most certainly can set some boundaries. Make sure the staff at her memory care is aware of this relationship and that this man is not allowed to spend time with your mother anywhere but the common areas of the memory care.
No going into her room or anywhere else even semi-private. She cannot give consent for sex because she is not mentally competent to. Her "friend" should also be told this as well as being told in no uncertain terms that if he were to go ahead and attempt sex with her, he could be arrested for sexual assault on a person with diminished capacity.
Why is this man even allowed to get into the MC?
If someone is in MC, they cannot give legal consent. And, since she is not competent to give consent, you should not give consent, either. Your job is to look out for her welfare.
He has already found her unsuitable in grooming by gifting her a beauty treatment.
There's nothing wrong with getting her a beauty treatment or with him spending time with her. So long as it is in the memory care facility and under supervision.