She's depressed, lonely, scared! She won't eat right, misses meals, can't sleep, is a horder, at the same time a clean freak germaphobe, is argumentative, a complete family gossip, incapable of learning anything new yet resentful that we all have iPods and new phones, drives when she wants to and at other times has to rely others at her own whim. The list goes on and on. I make frozen homemade meals for her each week (she always has plenty of food); we take her out to eat at least 2-3 times a week; she has a First Alert which I pay for yet she doesn't wear it all the time and hides the remote unit in the bottom of her purse; she will not take ant sleeping pills or antidepressants,she won't do her back exercises for her severe back problems (yet I took her to rehab for three months two times a week); her house and paperwork are out of control (stacks and stacks of junk mail which she has a fit if anyone touches it) . She won't let anyone clean for her and the few times doc the adult grandkids did, she talked incessantly about how bad of a job they did. She never feels good except yet she's not dying of anything and catastrophises every little ache and pain. I take her to all her Dr appt and hear exactly what the Drs say and she'll totally make up a diagnoses when telling someone else (Dr put her on the lowest possible amount of oxygen only at night so she might sleep better and now she tells everyone he said she could die without it! When I say she's negative about everything, I mean everything. She loves being around the great grandkids talking about how sweet, smart and adorable they are. But somehow it all slides into either worry about safety or health (and if course no one is raising their kids as well as she did hers) or she thinks the ones who have working moms are "poor little things not getting the right attention". Her constant companion while at home is Fox News (she hears half of the story and makes up the rest) or The Golden Girls (she loves their hairstyles!). My kids just keep telling me to accept what is and believe me I work on it daily! My mom lost her sister three years ago, then her youngest child, my 8 years younger brother of a sudden heart attack almost 3 years ago, then my dad 18 months ago... So I realize she's had major hits in life. She will never, ever, ever leave the house she and Daddy built and to even bring it up makes her fighting mad. She won't allow help or anyone even coming in part time foray reason. She's starting to forget a lot of things but no where near where we could do anything legally. It's just all so wearing on me and I find myself feeling guilty when I do something for myself. I know it's all going to get worse as she fails and I want so much for these years to be happy for her. After Daddy died she was with me and my husband for6 months. That's another long story...she wasn't happy here yet resented it terribly when she went home. She spends the night with me frequently or with another adult grandchild. No attest what we coif never seems enough.
You are an amazing daughter. I'm so sorry to hear what you've had to put up with. Certainly not easy. I hope you can get some respite. Please try to be as kind and gentle to yourself. Give yourself a break. Its overwhelming when dealing an elderly parent. Thinking of you.
Your mom sounds challenging, and I think all of us who have commented feel your pain, in some way. It is a fine line between caring and taking over their lives. We're now moving into the very unpleasant side of caring for Mother..she id becoming alternately rude as all get out, or so sweet you don't know who she is.
Take some time to step back and consider all options. As far as her "issues"--well they are hers and can't be your unless you choose to make them so. That's hard to do and easy to say. I do have to distance myself from my mother. But I have a child who has chosen to distance herself from me, so I know how that hurts..but she has to, to stay sane, I guess. It hurts when you are on both sides of that coin.
Could be, he did die pretty quick when it was mentioned he was gong to long term care.
On some of these Hoarders episodes, the hoarder has also used plastic bottles for urine and/or have crapped on the floor or pile and not cleaned it up.
Depression can cause people to act in very odd ways. I think I might see if treatment for that would help her. And also rule out any other kind of illness, but, if her functioning is as low as you describe, then, I wouldn't just write it off as too early to do anything about it. Because that may not be the case. I would consult with an Elder Law attorney who deals with Competency hearings and get an opinion on what evidence is required. Often, it's not always about memory, but the ability to run your own household, make appropriate decisions, use good judgment and resist being the victim of exploitation. Find out what to look for so you can gather your evidence. You'l have it when you need it. It sounds like she's pretty feisty and may not accept help.
I'm still wondering why you would feel guilty for doing something for yourself. It seems to be a common thing with caregivers. I wonder if it means you are trying too hard. Consider what is reasonable and try to accept what cannot be changed.
A lot of the things that you describe sound like my mom too! I decided to fight the big battles and the rest, I let it go. lol Antidepressants have helped her a lot, but certain things, I don't expect to change.
You are describing my mother! How is this possible? Were they twins separated at birth?
I am not trying to be disrespectful--I am saying that you are not alone in this--many of us struggle with a parent's odd (to us) behavior--which is often just their coping skills in action.
And what can you do? Not much. SHE isn't going to change, and yes, we want our mothers to be happy, healthy, etc., and when they don't "cooperate", we feel like we need to step in and make it all right, and we can't. Accepting that mom is changing, life is changing, is hard.
I do see signs of dementia in my mother--but now at least I don't take her rude comments so much to heart. If she wants to live in a hoarded, cramped environment, well, all I can do is makes sure she has a clear pathway to walk. I can only do so much--as you can.
I'd be prepared, mentally, as much as [possible for the inevitable decline, and likely, like my mother, it's not pleasant to think about, but we've all made sure she's got POA established, her affairs are as in "order" as they can be, and we all just go with the flow.
My mother can be the sweetest thing--then turn around in the same sentence and say the most awful stuff about people. I try not to let it bother me--but it's hard.
It does sound like your mom is just being 87 with the problems that come with being 87 and having gone through a lot of bad stuff in a short time. Just be there for her, kind of let the bad stuff slide off you and try not to take it personally. (I'm also talking to myself here). SHE isn't going to change. So you have to. Distance yourself if you need to and take time for yourself. Sounds like she has a lot of care in her life, if she opts to not use it, well----she can do that.
I wish you well!
One thing I've noticed when I was younger is when people start using their bathtubs or showers for storage. I guess I really didn't connect the dots much when I was younger, but when the bathroom starts getting too full to really use for its intended purpose, that's a problem. When you see these kinds of bathrooms, you realize the person in question may not be bathing well and you can only wonder how they're keeping clean. There are various signs to look for when an elderly person is in trouble, and the bathroom is definitely a sign.
Another sign to look for when an elderly person is in trouble is an overgrown lawn. It may be something as simple as either not having a lawnmower or the blades not being sharp enough to mow. It may also be that they probably just need some help mowing because maybe for physical reasons they're just not able, we never know until we check into it.
Another sign to look for is piled up newspapers and other mail, this is a telltale sign someone's in trouble.
Be aware that people who are secretly not eating well may wear baggy clothes to hide the fact they're losing too much weight. My foster dad did this and for a long time no one really knew. I just happen to notice when I went to hug him and my hand was in the right spot when I noticed something just wasn't right. Though I was able to help him start eating a little more, I was never able to help him get to a healthy weight. There were some things he was hiding because he was very secretive in certain areas such as he is doctor-patient relationship. I didn't know anything was off with that until I noticed he no longer had any medications filled that he was previously taking regularly. When I asked him out of concern, he said he didn't have a doctor anymore. I wondered if the doctor may have found something of concern and tried to address it, maybe suspecting dad was in trouble and no one else knew it. Some people have clever ways of hiding things they don't want others knowing or finding even by accident. Sooner or later some of them will slip up though. Anytime an elder is in trouble, it's always a good idea to get some help. In cases of downright stubborn people, a last resort for those who won't leave their homes no matter what, sometimes an absolute last resort is to grab a hold of them and just drag them out especially if it's for their own good and especially more so if it's to save their life
Take care and God Speed
You diagnosed your mom in your first sentence...depressed, scared, lonely.
And then some.Family loss is so hard to deal with which can deepen dementia.She at some level may feel her "world" is falling apart and is unable to figure it out as she has done in the past. Perhaps you can hire one of HER beloved family members or friend to help her. Then she may accept help and alleviate you some.Also, if possible attend a dementia support group, at least once. My 88yo mom with alzheimer lives with me for past 4yrs.
Another important difference: When my mom was my age, she was a "housewife" with no kids at home. In contrast, my so-called 8-hour/day job keeps me out of the house 10.5-11 hours/day. Most of our moms have no idea what it's like to squeeze everything into Saturday and Sunday. Thrown in a touch of narcissism and entitlement, and they don't care. Thrown in dementia -- even mild dementia -- and they really don't care.
Therapy, counseling, boundaries.......run, don't walk. Full disclosure: I did not take some this advice when I was in the thick of it. And I was -- and am -- all the worse for it.
Only you can reclaim your life. With deliberate effort. And professional support. Although they mean well, the family members who tell you to let it go are the same people who will call YOU the minute anything at mom's house changes for the worse. Not one of your siblings, not county elder services, not Home Instead, not mom's doctor, not 911. They'll call you. Without the tools to steel yourself against this, you'll be right back in the pit of despair.
Best to you. This is rough. Take action toward self-preservation. If it feels unnatural or uncomfortable, you'll know you're doing the right thing!
Has she appointed anyone POA for health and/or finances? If not, THAT's what you need to work on right now. Because what is going to happen is this:
She's going to fall, or end up in the hospital with a "real" something and decisions will have to be made. If she has all her paperwork in order, her loving family will make good decisions for her. You might point out to her that if none of you has the ability to speak to doctors on her behalf, decisions are going to be made for her by strangers.
At this point, you are waiting for the fall or other major medical event to occur. For YOU, meditation, therapy and perhaps antidepressants may give you some relief. Even if she won't take steps to improve the quality of her mental health, set a good example for her by doing it yourself.