Husband going for heart cath tomorrow. This month is the 5 year anniversary of my mom's death. I am terrified of getting into another caregiver situation. The marriage hasn't been good even though it has been 46 years. Just last week, I was consolidating my possessions and looking for another place to live (unbeknownst to him). Now, he has been diagnosed with a heart blockage that, minimally, may require stenting or, worse, heart bypass surgery. He was already difficult with which to live - verbally and emotionally abusive. I just don't know if I have it in me to be his caregiver. Our two kids are too busy to even visit, much less help out. Mentally, he has started slipping - not to the point of requiring POA - but denies it. He refuses to do a will or POA. Oh, he is 66 and I am 63, both retired. I just need a hug and what to expect life to be like after stent or bypass.
Many friends and my children repeatedly tell me to "take care of myself". First! If you are like me, you will find that the hardest thing to do. I just can't seem to manage to do that with all that is expected of me now. BUT, the best thing I did was to find a therapist to see once a week. At the very least, it gets me out of the house for a couple hours. At best, I leave the session feeling renewed, restored, and empowered. I encourage you to find one. You can say and report things you simply don't want to share with family and friends. You can cry, and not be told to "be strong". (You ARE strong). I just don't know what I would do without it, to look forward to when moments are rough, and for replenishing when I'm depleted.
Many hugs to you. I send you my best. Love, m
That said, whatever you decide, we are here for you. One thing I had to implement during the last recovery was my own version of time outs. I simply remove myself to another room. There’s always something I need to do in another room. And I’ve found he doesn’t make the effort to follow me to continue his haranguing. I simply announce, here’s your water, a snack, I’ll be working in another room, will be back to check on you. After an hour, I reappear. If he starts verbally abusing me, I leave again, another hour. He’s most likely a narcissist, as he will never apologize. He wasn’t like this when we married. Now the closet Narc is out. I’m just not putting up with it. If I’m sick, I have a TV in bedroom. It’s not the best way to live. I understand your situation. Due to the length of marriage, 10+ years, you will be able to file for Social Security under his benefits, if higher than yours, even if you divorce. It’s the paltry reward built into the system, to compensate women for being home, raising the children. But you can get it if you choose to leave.
Head up, chin up, come here whenever you need.
Surgery has come a long way I hear.
Verbal abuse is no fun and can be as bad or worse than physical abuse..
Practice saying something nice once a day to eachother? Maybe?
He probably won't go for that.
Take up a class of some sort or volunteer for a bit.
Hugs and Prayers are being sent to you :)
You are a valued member of this community. I just went back and read a whole bunch of your responses to others who were suffering in difficult situations.
In EVERY instance, you told folks to stand up for themselves and get themselves to a better situation. That it was their right to live as they chose.
So, you are enduring an emotionally abusive marriage and have been for a long time. (D)H is going to have what is in essence an outpatient procedure that should improve his overall health. That's good news for him....and for you.
Pack your stuff. Stash your money. Figure out where you are going to stay short term.
You've been given a gift of an extra week. Call his cardiologist and talk to her/him. Believe me, they've heard it before. You're just letting him know that you are NOT going to be his patient's long term caregiver and why. Tell the doc that H may need a referral for home health and for other services because you won't be around.
Are you in therapy? Do you have supportive friends, relatives who can encourage you and support you in your new life.
Stick around with us; we have your back!
I pray that his better humble attitude becomes habit.
Great big HUG! You are a valuable person, please don't let him continue to abuse you. If he needs care and you aren't around, he'll figure it out or not.
( a few days late ) Just wanted you to know my 🙏 prayers are with you. Here’s a big HUG‼️ Not the same illness, went through same thing. I am a Caregiver and over the top with stress. Everyone tells me I need to take care of myself! No one has been able to tell me how? I’ve been married 45 years in our 13th. of marriage he had his first Manic Attack. I have stuck by his side thru years of verbal abuse. I’m NOT asking for sympathy, just wanted you to know, there are a lot of us out there going thru the same situations 💔. Big HUGS help me, so get as many as possible‼️
I wish you the very best. I can’t give any advise. I was never able to take any of the advise I received 🤷♀️
🙏 🙏 🙏 🙏 💝 ❤️ 💖 💞 🥰
You have given me consolation this morning. Hugs to you. THANK YOU.
You have a very tough situation. Hugs! I hope you will be at peace with whatever you decide.
I can understand you staying with him for now. I wish you the best.
My younger brother was in this situation. His wife had cancer and he decided to leave while she was in treatment. Most men are reluctant to speak about abuse. It took him quite awhile to open up. His wife would beat him after he would go to sleep with spike heel shoes. She pushed him after he had back surgery. His doctor said she could have paralyzed him. She never stopped. Emotionally abused him, locked him out of their home, he slept in his car in their driveway. Was awful for him. Went to his job and cursed him out. He was almost fired.
My SIL’s sister finally got her to commit herself into mental hospital. She had mental illness. He tried to stick by her during the cancer but couldn’t. He never hit her back because he believes a man should never hit a woman.
So if you feel that the marriage is over, sometimes you have to leave. I wish you well.
My story is too long to tell, I am 76. my husband 77.
I am his caregiver, vascular dementia. My daughters ask me how do I do it? Only by the grace of God! I'm not a bible thumping preachy kind of woman but have to say that prayer is a very powerful tool! Some days get a bit hairy but I get through them. Will pray for you to be led in the right direction and make decisions that will be of help to both you and your husband. God bless.
It's the 'what to expect' issue. It may be that the improvements this treatment aims to deliver will help to put right some things that have gone wrong, for example. Your husband might feel so much better he's a new man, and a lot more like the one you used to like.
Or, if you've always had your reservations, it may be that you need to forge ahead with your plans for a different life in retirement; but in that case rather than fearing his care needs you will want to detach and plan for them as well, instead.
Right now here is a hug, and a 'let's see.'
The cath has been pushed to next Wednesday.
The surgery itself went well. The worst part is when you see them post op in ICU immediately after. I am a RN and have cared for many intubated post op patients but it’s another entire ball game when the patient is your little, petite, tough as nails mother - all of about 120lbs of her.
But my next visit, the breathing tube was out and they were getting her up in a chair long enough to change her sheets. She was dc’d and attended cardiac rehab.
My point is that chances are your husband will do ok and recover from whatever procedure he has. But you my dear are a different story.
Continue to gather your own assets and try to save some money unbeknownst to him. Figure out a plan to leave him and stick with it. Save enough to retain a divorce attorney and start the ball rolling.
I can tell that you are “done” with him and his lack of respect towards you for years. You are still young enough to enjoy life going forward. Don’t allow him to keep you down or continue his disrespectful behaviors.
Best of luck to you. At our age (I ‘m 61) you realize life is too short to suffer and you’ve got some great years ahead.
When he came home from the hospital, he had to take it easy, but did very well and he was 75 years old at the time. He said he felt better than he had felt in a long time (better blood flow and more oxygen in the blood). Bottom line; you can expect a full recovery. He is young and Lord willing, everything will be fine. Stay strong - you WILL be OK. You have my prayers and lots of ((hugs)).
Also, I would expect that before any procedure is done, the hospital will require that your husband complete a MPOA. They did for both my Dad and my husband. They can take care of this at the hospital.
PS My husband won't make a will either. My heart goes out to you Katie. 💚💚💚
I went through this with my DH last summer. He had 2 heart attacks in 2 weeks. Stents were placed and he began healing. I have to say, he is a terrible patient and we've been through the wringer with him and health/lifestyle issues for 43 years.
I, too, had a bag packed, unbeknownst to him, before he had the first heart attack. It stayed packed. He came home to rehab. 2nd heart attack and back home with double the meds and triple the crappy attitude.
Had I known I even had a CHOICE, I would not have brought him home to rehab. He just assumed I'd be happy to be his slave once again.
2nd heart attack--I was too slow on the draw and again, he was sent home. On my birthday---well, that's not here nor there.
During the 'healing'---we did have a quite a few huge fights, which we really never did, nor do. I did tell him I was going to leave him--and he was totally shocked. And he changed. Went to his psych doc and was prescribed and anti-depressant even though they are not really supposed to take them post h/a. Luckily, these worked, he began to listen to me.....and eventually, I unpacked the bag.
He knows now that I have a limit. He knows I will leave him if things gets that bad again.
IF you are planning, without question, to split from him, you'll get NO judgment from me.
Although--dumping this on him when he will be feeling emotionally unbalanced is kind of cruel--that's why I didn't do it.
You need an advocate in this. And you can talk to his drs and explain that you are not capable of caring for him. They'll have heard it all, don't worry about how it appears to others. I'm sure the drs have to sign off on his release and he cannot go home to 'no care'.
A stent being placed is practically an outpatient procedure. A bypass, of course is much more involved.
Let the drs know you will not be a part of his caregiving team going forward. No doubt your husband will have a fit, but sounds like that's "normal" for him.
He probably won't be sick enough for FT care in a rehab place--I honestly don't know. I wasn't at the hospital for the discharge planning and I wasn't happy with the 2nd one at ALL. I wanted him to go to a facility and I didn't get to the hospital fast enough, and I wasn't 'brave' enough to fight for one.
If things aren't good now, a bypass or stents aren't going to make him nicer or make your marriage better or stronger. Only you can make that decision. Stay and care for a man you no longer wish to be with...or go and start a new life w/o him.
I can't make that decision for you--I can only empathize--and I do, with all my heart.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
And you may think your kids don't want to be involved, but they should be, at least as far as supporting both of you. I have 5 kids and within 12 hours of the first h/a, 4 of the 5 were here, supporting me. (#5 had just had a baby, and couldn't get here). My kids all said to me "If you need to divorce dad to have peace and joy in your life, we're there for you."
I had their quiet support and we weathered it. Not well, I will say that the recovery was and still is, pretty awful at times. But I think he'd trying to be less of a jerk and I am trying to forgive him for being him.
So sorry for what you r going thru and have been going thru. But this is the time for a POA not when he is incompetent, before he gets to that point. You may want to tell him that legally you really have no say in his care. He has to permit you to make decisions when he can't. Make sure he signs a HIPPA statement saying that its OK for you to talk to his doctors. Usually Drs. will but legally they don't have to. Tell him by not giving you POA he could eventually become a Ward of the state and they will make the decisions for him. Without a will the state gets involved. Wills make everything cut and dry.
Both times, they had him go to Silver Sneakers three times a week to exercise - 12 weeks, I think. They had him go to a nutrition class to learn to eat better. The second time, the stent was a drug eluding stent. He was put on Plavix for a year. That made things a little more complicated, since he needed to use caution - he learned to use gloves when he did things around the house. Both times, I was amazed afterward that he'd had a heart attack, had cardiac procedures, was out in a couple days, and you'd have never known to look at him. He was golfing the next week.
I, however, had a hefty panic attack a few days later - both times. I've since realized that after every family health crisis, when things are settled down, my body says "ok, time to flip out". Now I expect the let down and try to mitigate it with hydrating, lots of knitting (to zen out) and I just roll with the panic attack until it's gone.
I didn't feel like I was a caregiver either time, as he was up and about right away. I went to doctor appointments and to exercise class, cooked healthy and explained the nutrition part. Other than that, no caregiver duties.
(((((HUGS)))))
My DH was NOT up and wouldn't GET up. He laid in bed for 3 months just being a lump.
The procedures themselves are amazing! Dh COULD have been up and doing well, but he chose to play pity party. Now we're 9 months out and he's FINE but every little hiccup or sneeze and he's in instant "I'm having a heart attack" mode. I don't know how long that will last.