He's retired and has had 6 major heart attacks and several minor ones in the last 20 years. He has memory issues and is prone to mood swings and sudden bursts of anger. He will do the dishes, but leaves them in the sink to "soak" and forgets they are there. When he remembers, he washes them in the cold, soapless water and doesn't get them clean. He cooks, but not well. He doesn't believe in mopping, will only wash the stove when my mother - I'll get to her - nags at him to. He sleeps on the living room on the couch, and that is off-limits too. They have 4 small dogs that are pad trained, but doesn't clean the area but once a night, when my mother goes to bed. So, they spread the love through the house. He WILL pick those up, though he won't disenfect when he does. He won't allow anyone to help him, and if he's nagged into it, he follows you around to make sure that you're not "dirtying stuff up", and talks at you the whole time, getting in the way.
My mother works - they're both in their late 60's - and refuses to do ANYTHING when she gets off work. No housework, unless she's got someone coming over. That is the only time she'll clean - ever. Every time she asks me to help, her husband gets angry at ME and does his best to chase me off. And, I'm embarrassed to say that it's working.
I am being blasted from both sides, and it seems like a no-win scenario. I'm not their caregiver, because they both insisit that they don't need one yet, and Mom isn't incompetent, just very, very selfish. I think my stepfather is in the early stages of dementia. What should I do?
If your stepdad is not all there mentally then you need to keep an eye out for abuse from your mom. If she is nasty and mean to him that is unacceptable, especially if he is losing his executive function skills.
Bow out. This will only cause anger and disention. They have made it clear you are not wanted. Your insistence will only ramp this up.
It will be disturbing to see, so don't look. Try to be supportive for your Mom as she is still competent and working and it looks as though she may soon be dealing with someone with dementia, the angry kind. And there may be placement needed and that needs to be HER decision; your interference now will ruin your chances of being supportive in future.
This is only my humble opinion . I am a neat freak who thinks we keep pets way past when we should have understood that this loving part of our lives needs to be over for many reasons. So I know what you are seeing. Sorry for all you are going through.