My sister#1 who lives in MD has a financial POA dated in 1984 for our father's care; my sister#2 who lives with me had a financial POA with me as secondary in 2005 for our dad, we got the POA because we live close to him. After a year or two, my sister after working on my dad’s fears and mistrust finally got him to switch to have her take care of him. She believes that since our deceased mother asked her along with the rest of us to take care of our dad, she thinks she is the only one who should take care of him. Unfortunately, she doesn't take care of everything, she wasn’t keeping up with his bills or handling his other issues, but he was happy and so was she and we left it alone. Last year, my sister#1 decided that she could no longer care for our dad because of her family and health issues so I started taking care of him in Nov 2018 and I immediately got financial and medical POAs signed. Things went well until June 2019 when my dad told my sister in MD that he couldn’t get his money from the bank which wasn’t true because I took him to the bank a few days before when he withdrew a few hundred dollars and he also caught the bus on his own a few days before that to withdraw funds. My sister, without talking to anyone, had her son bring her to PA and she took our dad to his bank and had him open another checking account that transferred funds from the account with dad and my name on it to the new account with dad and her name one it. She never called me after the fact to tell me exactly what she did. Her son, told me what happened and said the bank manager told them that he didn’t see anything wrong with what I was doing. Since my dad doesn’t get that much in SS and pension, cutting the funds in half didn’t leave enough money for the expenses. A month later my dad got angry with me (we try to stop him from getting on the bus at age 99) and he demanded his check book back and he pulled a knife on me. When he gets angry, he changes who he wants to take care of him (thus different POAs). I decided to just let my sister#1 go back to taking care of our dad and I asked her to get new POAs; she never did that she just pulls out the 1984 POA. Things got really bad when he fell three times within the last two weeks, each time, he went to the hospital and he asked someone to call me to help him. The last fall was in his home and he was on the floor for a long time, he almost died. My sister can’t drive so it took 2 ½ days before she saw him in the hospital and that’s her first visit since changing the bank accounts in July but sis#1 doesn’t want anyone else to care for him. Since our dad is currently not in good condition, it's best to let her continue paying his bills since any changes would require him to go to the bank and he’s not capable of that now. I have to take care of our dad again because sis#1's health and her son can’t continue to take off of work to drive her. I have a no-nonsense personality and I tend to project that in situations like this, my sister can’t stand it she doesn’t even want to hear me and I’m still angry about her doing what she did and she keeps interfering. While he's in rehab I'm paying out of my pocket for some of his things like cloths while he's there. The other issue is there is no room for him to get around in his apartment if he comes home so to help him, some furniture has to go, I’m not sure I can do that without his approval, he won’t even let me toss trash. I’m trying to do something about the flies; he left meat out that got rancid and flies are all over his apartment. I’m not sure what to do about my sister or what I should do about this situation. Can we toss some of his furniture that he bought from second hand shop over time to make room for his needs without his okay? He does have dementia.
I'm sorry to sound callous about it. But this lady has over decades *insisted* on making your father her very own problem. Fine! Let her solve it.
Go and visit your father and spend time just being with him. If you take clothes, send in the bill. If sister 1 needs help, help her - but set very clear boundaries about what you will and won't do.
E.g. cleaning out his apartment ONCE before he goes back to it, fine. Taking responsibility for his housekeeping routine - no, not fine, she can get him a cleaner.
The furniture issue your sister can sort out with whichever occupational therapist assesses your father's needs at home. It's exactly that kind of thing that your sister was and is so determined to have control of; and the bright side is that you can sit back and not worry about it.
Food left out. Rancid and bugs? You have a sanitation issue. What’s next, food poisoning?
Please do right by your father and place him in a facility. This isn’t about quarrels between all of you. I get it. Families argue but this is a safety concern for him.
Make arrangements soon. Please, he deserves it and you will be at peace knowing you did the right thing.
You sisters have to come together now and present a united front about how to best care for dad and that means keeping him safe, most of all. See how things go in rehab.....its likely they will not agree to release him to independent living,,,, in fact, it would be shocking if they did, considering his dementia alone. You can then transition him to stay in long term care at the rehab facility and apply for Medicaid to foot the tab. Even if he is resistant to the idea, if he won't be allowed to live alone after rehab, you'd have to agree to move him into you or your sisters home in order for him to be released, or else move into his apartment to care for him. The choices will likely be very limited.
Prepare yourselves for what comes next. Good luck and Godspeed to you with this difficult situation
If he has dementia, his decision-making and logic are impaired. You and your family are orbiting around him more and more. Things won't get better for him or any of his caregivers. I think it is time to consider a good, reputable facility where he will get the right care and be with people and his family won't be exhausted physically, emotionally or financially -- and there may be the hope of having his remaining time more peaceful than its been. He probably will be very resistant to a NH, but there comes a time when it makes no sense to continue doing what obviously isn't really working for anyone. You have a perfect opportunity to have him go from rehab directly into a facility. If he goes back to his apartment you can be sure this cycle will repeat. I understand the stress and emotional family dynamics, and I wish you a good outcome, no matter what you all choose to do.