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I know it’s hard not feeling guilty. But do not let yourself be manipulated into a situation that will effect your health. When we get stressed and etc. our health can take a hit. You don’t want that. Of course your sibs want her to live with you then they don’t have to deal with her. But she is grown she can be independent or move to a assisted living center or senior center where she can be entertained.
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"I feel that all my family is selfish and very manipulative"

You're right. What do you do next? Whatever you want! Just don't let selfish, manipulative family members be an anchor weighing you down.

Sounds like you did a stellar job raising your own kids btw.
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Good for mom...she actually showed she can take care of herself! Which goes to show that she doesn’t need to be living with any of you. She’s only 75? Lordy what is wrong with her.
yes everyone is being manipulative and good for you for having boundaries. I support your decision 100%.

There's a saying "that we teach people how to treat us". You have shown her and your sibs it’s not ok to treat you in this manner. Stand firm!!
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There is nothing to do because you are already doing it by saying NO and sticking by your boundaries. Good for you!

Your family didn't manipulate you and/or make you feel guilty, you did NOT fall into their trap.

Be proud of yourself and keep on doing what you are doing and please don't question yourself anymore. You are doing a great job with your own family.

Jenna
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happyandchirpy Jun 2020
Hi Jenna! This is Happyandchirpy. That movie is hilarious! I have seen it on several occasions. (Turner Classic station) Hope you have a good week. Stay well! Stay safe!
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I reallyI really feel that itand although I don't like saying that because I know you're already burdened that you should try to look a little clearer it what these things can be you'll be very sorry if you lose your mother and I don't think you're seeing it realistically every day is a blessing and good luck with all.
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Harpcat Jun 2020
Your reply was run-on and made no sense. Her mother is pouting like a small child and was the one who made the decision not to speak to her daughter. Her daughter has a right to set boundaries and can still maintain a relationship. It’s now in her mom's court to behave like an adult.
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Your mother sounds like a very difficult, angry person. You are doing the right thing by separating yourself from this and saying no to her living with you. She wants you to make things easier for her, and does not care about what you want. And your siblings don't want to worry about her so, sticking you with her is their solution. She might be well-situated now but this likely not remain so and she will be looking for you to fix her situation again. So just be sure to tell them the decision is final. As your mother gets older, she will begin to need more care and supervision. This is not your responsibility to provide so don't get sucked into that.
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"What to do next?"

I suppose try to keep things polite & with time (& hope) this chapter will close. It may even be quickly forgotten by your sibs. Your Mother will settle into her new living place & may forget she pressured you too.

Of course you are hurt. Forgive them of you can but remember so you can keep your boundaries strong if they start this up again.
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Stay strong and courageous for yourself. Stay distant from the family of origin. Get on without them. We can't pick our families, but we can certainly choose who's BS we are willing to put up with, and who's BS we're not going to be able to take. It's all about finding yourself and deciding what is best for YOU.
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You provide a long list of reasons because you know this isn’t right for you, but you feel you need permission to say no.

Don’t let others change your mind - your decision is already clear.

Any sibling who wants peace of mind can step up themselves.
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Tell her no. (Sounds like you did well by your kids and your independent life from your biological family. Good work!).
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Great advice here - stick to your boundaries and what you know is best for you. Don't allow anyone else to tell you what you should be doing. I have a mother who is very similar to yours and always pushes at my boundaries, sometimes lying to try to get her way. I'm an only child, but she made choices to live where she lives and won't consider any input other than her own, disregarding me and everyone else it would affect. Give your energies to decisions that will bring you happiness and peace. It's your right. I wish you and everyone else dealing with such issues the best!
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I wouldn't take her even if she pays; manipulation and verbal abuse is horrible to live with - been there.
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happyandchirpy Jun 2020
You said it, sister!
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The answer is a simple "no". We don't need all the explanations and neither does your family. Simply and gently make it clear that you are sorry, but this is not an option . Please be accepting of human limitations. Sainthood is an ugly job description in which the entire world shoots you full of arrows until you are DEAD; then they pray to you for eternity to fix everything for them. I am THANKFUL more than I can say to see the words "I do not feel guilty". That is so rare here. And for the life of me, unless you intentionally harm another for fun, or unless you are a felon, I don't see what in the world you HAVE to be guilty about. You have MADE A LIFE THAT WORKS FOR YOU.
Continue on in that world, knowing you are lucky, and staying GENTLY strong in your conviction.
You might consider, if there is a whole mess of them, mailing one form letter in which you promise you will not apply for Sainthood anytime in the future, in which you tell them that you understand they will have their own judgements about you but that you are well and truly uninterested in hearing them. That you are making a QUALITY life that works well for you, and wish them ALL good luck with doing the same for themselves. That you love them, but that you are ENTIRELY unable (as well as unwilling) to "do it their way".
Hugs! YOU GOT THIS RIGHT!
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Doggomom Jun 2020
I love what you said here about sainthood. I wrote it down for future reference.
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I agree with the others on your making the right choice for you. It’s time for you to live your life and enjoy the success of your adult children. Just curious as to how she is now able to afford renting in a private home and what happened to the need for $700.00? If the subject of Mom moving in come up again when one of your children moves out I would not even start the conversation unless it includes what she would be paying for rent and how she will contribute to household expenses. What reimbursement for mileage you would get to take her to appointments and what you will be paid hourly for caregiving. Once those terms are met get it in writing and have an attorney review it.
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First, I am the oldest of 4, my sister is deceased but I have two brothers 7 and 10 yrs younger. They did thank me for taking care of Mom but that was it. I can see where you are coming from. I lived in the same town so everything like Dr visits and ER visits fell on me.

You have set boundries stick by them. A very good reason...you don't have the room. You now have 3 ADULTS living in your home. All with their own likes, dislikes and schedules. I have a feeling that Mom moving in would disrupt a situation that is working well for everyone. Seems like she is pretty independent if she travels and has a home in another country. So why does she need to live with any of her children? You don't need the added stress of someone who fights with you and probably makes no bones about telling everyone what they should and shouldn't do. Your children need a quiet place where they can study and have time to themselves.

I want to congratulate you on raising 4 kids alone. And they seem to be intelligent well adjusted adults. Not easy to do when you need to work too. You need to do what is best for you and your kids. They are your family. They will go on to maybe marry and maybe have kids. You want to be involved in their lives. These are the ones who may be doing for you in your old age. Not your siblings.
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I'd be proud of standing up for yourself. You knew what would work for you and you set that boundary. People who want their own will over your wishes aren't being respectful. Better she be resentful and you be having a happy life than the other way around. It sounds like she's made alternate arrangements, so, I'd let her simmer down and come to terms with things. Also, some people will never be happy. Working on making them happy may be a difficult and a miserable job. I'd be relieved I didn't sign up for it. And having someone living in your home that you don't want living in your home is a horrible place to be. Just read around this site and you'll see some pretty sad situations. Mostly, people want to know HOW do I get out of this mess?
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Good for you got sticking to your boundaries. You have given a great example to all of us on how to do that.

Yes, they were trying to abuse you.

What do you do now? You live your life as you wish. Don't try to connect with them (Mum and sisters), they are going to be pissy because you did not ask how high when they said jump.

I am curious where is your brother in all this? Is he not expected to step up?

Congratulations on raising strong children who understand the importance of education.
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You and your sons are your family.

Do not feel bad about protecting yourself from the family you were born into. They all could have stepped up and they obviously have not. Don't buy into their manipulation. If they think she should be living with one of her adult children then let them move her in.
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Your last statement says it all. "Family is selfish and very manipulative." Continue standing firm! Don't be sucked into their making decisions for you. Each needs to make their own life by their own means. Your mother sounds capable of being on her own and making decisions and the right decision for YOU is not having her live with you. There comes a time when it is two adults not mother telling daughter what to do and she does it, as she has done since being a child. I had to do that in the past.
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You’re an adult, free to make the decisions you feel are best for your own health. You don’t owe others an explanation for your decisions. Your mother is equally responsible for providing herself a place to live, it’s not on her adult children to do this for her. Sounds like you chose wisely. Now don’t try to defend yourself to family, you don’t need to, just enjoy life with people who fill you with positivity
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