Hi everyone,
I'm in a predicament and am hoping someone can shed some light on it.
My mother who is 64 has about $200,000 in debt, is living off credit cards, has her mother in a nursing home back in Europe, just finished fixing the foundation of the house because water was leaking into the basement for $10,000 which she had to borrow from the bank (they only gave her $5K) , remortgaged her house twice to pay for bills and now her work just shut its doors for the month due to covid. She will be getting about 55% of her salary (which wasn't huge to begin with) but regardless, she was never able to pay for her debt and expenses with a full salary either, clearly. Bank advisors and family members have suggested to her that she sell her house so she can pay off her debt and finally live comfortably, but she refuses to sell the house because she wants to leave it for her kids and both my brother and I have expressed that we have no interest in living there or having the house. We just want her to be debt free and to life a worry-free life which she can totally have if she just sold the house, she is being so stubborn about it I don't even know what to do. My first reaction when I heard that her worked closed and that she was only going to get 55% of her salary was that I was going to go live with her instead of paying rent for my apartment and help her with some cash. However, I thought about this for a good while and realized that helping her would only keep her in this crazy situation that she seems to be comfortable in. She keeps on telling me that she has faith that some miracle will happen and everything will work out and to trust God, but this is beyond God's help now. I feel sad because I want to help her but why would I have to sacrifice my life for her bad decisions? Am I being insensitive? What would you do?
Thank you so much in advance for your advice.
Kind regards,
Sunshine.
Something else to think of:
She wants to leave something for you, but she also may be afraid of being forgotten. There are other things that she could leave besides love and memories. Has the family taken lots of photographs and video over the years? Help your Mom get these organized and put on disk. Has your Mom or other family members put together a family history or done any genealogy. Get her to record and write down all her memories. Interview her by asking questions provided by some genealogy websites. Your Mom would be leaving a tremendous legacy and will also know that she will not be forgotten.
I also plan to leave my home to my children and grandchildren. They would not want to move here to live as they have jobs elsewhere. They could rent out the house for the income or they could sell it to help put the grandchildren through college. Or they could take the vacation of a lifetime.
I suppose none of us wants to be forgotten, we seem to have an internal need to let it be known that we were here. That we lived. My family will have many photos, videos and genealogical records that I’m leaving for them.
As in Beyonce’s – “I Was Here” lyrics:
I want to leave my footprints on the sand of time.
Know there was something that, something that I left behind.
When I leave this world, I'll leave no regrets.
Leave something to remember, so they won't forget.
Good luck to you, your brother, and your mother.
If you suspect that she may be incompetent, than you need to struggle with how to get her evaluated medically
As long as your Mom is of sound mind, however, this is not your business. You have advised her (thst is all you can do) she has heard opinions of bankers, financial advisors, etc. Be there to support and love her when she makes good decisions and bad ones.
Come to peace with this situation.
I'd go with her to a bankruptcy attorney for a free initial consultation to get some information on her best options.
Bankruptcy is the option.
200K in unsecured not mortgage / car debt is huge debt unless it’s like 180k in medical bills and the rest is usual CC / Visa spending. Or she was making big $ like over 400k - 500k a yr.
I’m guessing that was neither of the 2 are the moms backstory but it’s more she’s been layering CC and racking them up to the max and then getting new CC.
The mom has few options to get out from her debt and killer interest that’s topping it off each month. Bankruptcy is it.
If the mom is lucky, she might, just might be able to get those mortgage holders to do a “validation of debt” so that she can keep the home. She’d need to be totally current on her mortgages, if not she’d need to bring it up to current. Ditto for any car loans. The securitized debtors can opt to allow a revalidation on the debt for bankruptcy.
But lenders don’t have to do it (validation of debt).
You kinda have to make yourself “attractive” to them, like being current and able to show full insurance on the house / car that has the securitized lending.
I found when faced with some hard issues my family had denial over (medical) that involving a third party could be very useful. Would there be a person who counsels in your Mother's faith? You don't have to air the dirty laundry or cause shame - but some prior wording them up that feelings surrounding a financial matter would benefit. Invite this person over for afternoon tea, introduce them & they hopefully will gain your Mother's trust. It may lead to a financial councillor recommendation who could assist with the actual financial matters.
Sort of like a soft, supportive version of an intervention.
If not, then your mother will eventually be made bankrupt. The house will be sold but she will be able to keep most of her personal possessions – look up bankruptcy rules in your state to find out what. Bankruptcy gives a fresh start, and even for older people it takes away a huge burden of worry. Financial counselors rarely recommend bankruptcy because they don’t make any money out of it themselves, but it can be the best option.
Stop paddling mother’s canoe, it isn’t going anywhere – it’s sinking.
I admire her faith but I hope that she doesn’t belong to a “prosperity gospel” church where she is “sewing a seed” in other words, making a pastor rich while she is getting poorer because the church teaches that she will get her money back ten fold.
These types of preachers are all over television too! They prey on the vulnerability of others. It’s good to be charitable but not to people who take advantage of others.
You have said your piece. What else can you do? She knows what is necessary but it is hard for her to let go of her material belongings.
It’s a very sad dilemma. I am so sorry that you are struggling with this awful situation.
I see where you are coming from, I believe God/the universe always has a plan for us and to trust, but as I said in my response to Beatty: I think God can only do so much, he also gives us family members to advise us because they have our best interest and logic to help us in life. I.e. he gives us legs but we need to learn how to walk.
If she can grown to accept her situation, then she can make a roadmap out. This may well be downsizing to clear debt.
"..that some miracle will happen and everything will work out". She does not have to lose faith or hope, but I think more useful to have ACTIVE HOPE. Where she can actively take steps towards a new hopeful phase in her life.
I think her thoughts surrounding "leave it for her kids" speak volumes.
She may be thinking to leave you the house = will ensure you are left financially stable? Or shows how much she loves you? Ask her. The reality is you both have homes already so the house would become a business (or even burden) to rent out. You don't have to mention that... You could acknowledge her generousity in wanting to leave you the house. Tell her how proud you are she bought it. You will be even more proud & happy if she can accept change in these very tough times, work together & change direction as required.
I think I wouldn't give much financial advice, because if things continue in this manner you don't want to be blamed (without cause or reason) for outcomes in future. Just be gently there to listen, and be as supportive as you can.
Thank you for your response.
It is definitely causing chaos within my and within my brother. Sometimes it's even hard to be happy around her or go visit because it reminds us what she is going through. The house is also so old and falling apart and doesn't/won't have the money to fix it either. It's really a crazy situation, your reply is pretty much my thoughts and what I was planning on doing. Thank you for the reassurance!
I'd highly advise against moving in with her, or having her move in with you as that would likely just reinforce/further enable her poor financial decisions.