My mother has dementia, which I am sorry but at times I think she is faking cause can anybody be so out there!?! She has now started a new thing which is gross but I have a strong stomach but times its not possible not to vomit. Mom is now pooping and peeing EVERYWHERE like an untrained puppy. She wears depends but she will pull them down anywhere and go. Example such as in bed poop under her pillow, sits on edge of tub and does #1 and 2, in garbage cans, in the middle of floors, under coach coushins, she has even tried to do in the middle of Wal-Mart!! She of course uses her hand to wipe down there so now there is poo everywhere in her hair, mouth, face,walls, clothes, between her toes and under her finger nails. She is sly she will wait till I leave room to do it!! So she knows what she is doing! She likes to hide her poo I have caught her carry her poo to hide somewhere! She thinks it's funny!!!!! boy does that make me mad! Especially when I step in it!!! I try to hide most of this from the hubby and kids so they won't be grossed. WHAT DO I DO!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!
You and your husband decided to take FIL in. You can decide to continue to care for him. You can decide that this is too hard for you and that all 3 of you would be better off if he were placed in a setting with professionals trained to deal with this kind of behavior.
You can't decide that he won't have dementia any more. You can't decide to teach him better behavior. You can't decide that his brain is going to recover.
Realize that you have choices, and what those choices are. That is generally better than feeling trapped or continuing to try to achieve the impossible.
If your choice is to keep him in your home, please call Social Services and see what kind of help is available to you.
Because your FIL's behavior is similar to a very young child, you are assuming that you can train him and he will improve just as very young children do. Wrong! The chances of being able to retrain this person are very remote. Dementia is NOT like childhood. It does not progress to more mature behavior. It gets worse, and it progresses to more infantile behavior. Yes, a toddler can learn. A person with "a pickled brain" cannot. You are setting yourself up for big failure if you think you are supposed to be able to teach FIL more acceptable behavior.
So ... this is the way it is going to be. Keeping this a secret from your husband seems a very bad strategy to me, and one likely to backfire. Isn't how to deal with FIL a decision you need to make together? Shouldn't you both know all the facts as you discuss this? You are not the bad wife. You did not cause this difficult situation. There is no reason to think that you should be able to cope with it single-handedly. Just having more patience or more discipline or being more caring is NOT going to change things.
I am very, very sorry that you are in the situation you are in. I am sorry for your husband's father, too. But sorry doesn't change things.
You and hubby need to have many heart-to-heart conversations about this situation, with all the facts on the table.
And I ask you again, why is your father-in-law in your home? Yes, he definitely needs care. Are you the most qualified to care for him? Is being with you bringing him joy? Is it bringing you joy? Is it good for your marriage?
Why is he there?
I know this is a hardship for you, but your FIL has a disease that is destroying his brain. Being angry and doing the boot camp thing is not the answer.
Please check with your Department of Social Services and see if your FIL qualifies for Medicaid or other services. Also, visit your local Area on Aging and see if they can give you any assistance.
It may be that taking care of someone with your FIL's medical issues is not something you can do at this time in your life. There's no shame in that; it's a very difficult job. Doing what is best for him may mean placing him is a nursing home. Check the agencies, you may have more options than you think.
Good luck and very best wishes. Cattails.
You say that you don't have money for placement. You don't have to have money. Your FIL is the one who would be expected to pay. If he can't, he will qualify for medicaide and/or other progams.
Not having money is no reason for you and your husband to provide hands-on 24/7 care. Do not abandom your FIL-- that is not what I'm suggesting at all -- but do realize that there are ways to see that he gets good care that don't involve him being in your home.
Wishing you could teach him doesn't make it possible.
She is being a naughty little child. hugs to you!
Give all of this serious thought. You must make time to reflect and understand why you are in this situation. Whatever the reason, if it is affecting your health, you must be still inside and address all the underling issues.
We can help you and support you. You just have to be honest with yourself. I'm sure you want the best for your mom, but you count too.
Love and hugs....please stay in touch. Cattails
Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand
I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.
Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold me, Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.
Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.
______________________
Alzheimers patients have the ability to read body language and voice inflections long into their illness.
They will still feel frustration, anger, loss, happiness, sadness, joy and love
BUT…they lose the ability to channel those feelings productively due to their brain.
A change in Environment is devastating, heightens behavior problems, disrupts sleeping, eating and toileting problems also impacting greatly on the caretaker.
I sure hope you find a solution! You will be in my prayers.