My mother is destroying her life (and ours) with prescription pills. What should I do?

I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. I have experience with someone with an addictive personality, even though it wasn't a senior.

I can only tell you this: I suspect you made a mistake. You cannot be responsible for your mother. You are not responsible for her, believe it or not. What matters is your life and your marriage. Addicts don't change.

There's a group called "Al-Anon" that I went to a few times, but their basic message is that the addict doesn't change. There's no reason to sacrifice your life for your mom. She's not going to change this late in the game. This is a call for you to finally forgive yourself for her problems and let it go. Send her home, or put her somewhere else. Save your soul and your marriage.

sounds to me like YOU need to take all her pills from her (lock them up) and YOU dispense them to her when she needs them in the timeframe prescribed.  That way she can't over do it.  However, I am not sure what Ambien is unless it is something to calm her so she can sleep........IF it is....my dad took that one time (the doctor that gave it to him prescribed a too high dose) and when he got up to use bathroom he fell........that was the last time we allowed him to take that pill.  I also called the doctors and told them what happened.......so we didn't go back to that quack.  YOU do NOT have to PAY for your mothers care, that should be coming out of HER money......and if she doesn't have any.....you need to get in contact with a good Elder Attorney and he will get you on the path of filing for Medicaid for HER.  Do not continue to pay for anything for her care..........It almost sounds like she should be in an assisted care place where they can actually give her the meds on time, the correct amount and check on her daily.  You can visit but this way it won't strain your marriage and you (again) should not be using YOUR money to pay for HER stuff.  I wish you luck.

My mother is 86 and takes medication for high blood pressure, anticoagulants (as she has had lung clots twice) and calcium for her bones. She won't do any form of exercise (which is why she got the blood clots) and takes ibuprofen probably every day for pain in her shoulder. I got a physio to assess her shoulder but she just said 'I have no intention of doing the exercises that woman suggested'. To us, it seems that gobbling NSAIDs and warfarin is a dangerous mix, but what can we do when she is supposedly compos mentis and we don't yet have any POA or anything. The drugs she is on also possibly make her vertigo worse, which is her excuse for not walking, so there seems little anyone can do for her.

A lot of people on this forum will tell you to put your mom in a home. I don’t think you should give up on her so quickly. Without you, she will have a terrible time and decline fast.

I’m sorry - this is a difficult time. As you have probably already guessed, it will probably get harder.

This will be a test for your marriage - if your marriage is great it will get greater; if it is vulnerable, this experience could threaten your relationship.

Although you can’t control what OTC meds your mom takes, you should talk to her doctors about concerns that she is abusing medications. If the doctors don’t listen, find a new doctor.

I’m sorry. This journey is tough.

I still think a compassionate approach to someone who is suffering from what we may label 'addiction' is a better approach than the bulldozer effect of attacking the person you're concerned about, and simply calling them out and 'fixing them'.

Times have changed TREMENDOUSLY over the past 7-10 years regarding what Drs are allowed to prescribe. I think the pendulum has swung WAY too far to the 'no opioids for anyone, ever!' attitude.

Until I walked the 'bad back' surgeries, resulting in chronic pain that no amount of physical therapy can handle-combined with GAD--w/o the JUDICIOUS use of drugs, I would have long since taken my own life. The pain, mental and physical was beyond endurance, the emotional actually being worse.

Checking myself into the hospital as being suicidal 20 years ago helped me to learn I was sick, mentally and that there was help and hope. They did not keep me, as I expected, but began treating the depression, anxiety, etc that came as a result of very horrible abuse as a child that I had blocked completely.


Have I been judged beyond belief by my 'loved ones?" You better believe it. And by those who have absolutely no idea what my pain is like.

Yes, I am 'addicted' to meds that calm my troubled mind and body. I do not drink, nor smoke. I try to eat healthy and get exercise, but I think I am probably as 'good' as I am going to get. Esp after a year of treating cancer. The back problems are a daily challenge. W/O pain pills I would be bedridden by now. What would ANYONE have to gain by my being of no use???

I think that all meds must be watched and monitored by a good doc, and I would hesitate to call the cops on a dr b/c they prescribed meds you felt were 'inappropriate'. 2 of my kids are drs..trust me, they walk a fine line in prescribing meds and they HATE the govt's interference in their need to treat their patients.

Very few drs are 'pill pushing'. The opioid crisis is being monitored very tightly.

Sorry, I know I come off a little hot about this. It was through compassionate doctors that I am still around and functioning. What I take for meds is MY business, not my kids' or even my husband's.

This is going to be blunt, sorry in advance:
"Recovering alcoholic" = addict
HOW is your mother getting her hands onto drugs??
STOP supplying her.
Direct drug interactions also must be considered.
Remove ALL pills from her (OTC + Rx)
She is acting like a junkie who is being encouraged to ingest whatever, she can.
Addiction is a physical need, that your brain convinces you, that it must have to survive.

Benadryl + Ambian might be directly interacting with each other.
If those drugs are metabolized thru the same portal (P450 for example). In VERY layman's terms, she will experience different affects b/c each drug will be processed or not metabolized depending upon present competitors, that is why drugs should never be ingested together, wait 20 mins between each drug.
If she is also ingesting CBD, then she is really screwed.
CBD is a P450 neanderthal, bully.

Please understand you MUST take physical control of pills that she puts into her body. grab ALL drugs and eject ALL drugs from that house.

Ok I see, and I an approaching your dilemma with a personal story of mine - cause I've been there.
They “ say” ambien is a sleeping pill but youll never convince me of that. I took ambien for over 10 years and I would argue anyone that it was the only way i could sleep. I struggled nightly to sleep- despite needing to take 4-5 10mg.a day. You see just 1 would put me to sleep but it would not keep me asleep, therefor I was groggy and dragging all day.
Im willing to bet your mother is taking them during the days as well. ( oh yes I took them all day and night) Ambien is the next best thing to drinking)
I was addicted to pain pills as well. Its been about 12 years since Ive taken Ambien. And about 8 years away from opioids. I can walk past a pain pill sitting on the counter tempting me- but an Ambien scares the heck outta me. Ill b the first to say “ don't tell me you have them, don't ask me if i want them, do not prescribe them too me if i ask. It os still my greatest weakness”
I think you need to take control of her meds. Lock them in a safe and wear the key around your neck. She will not go through a physical withdrawal from the Ambien ( though she may swear she is) She will go through a very painful withdrawal from the opioids and its actually dangerous.
I personally would not flush them as I view that as demeaning and hurtful. She is still your mother not a child. And shes going to go through a lot of depression.
Without knowing what kind of pain pills she is taking I would say she isnt too old for a treatment program. I decided to get help only because my son kept stealing my pills and selling them to a neighbor. I couldnt afford to spend 500.00 a week anymore. ( I worked my way up to that habit over the years- and because of the Ambien i didnt know what was going on so it was easy to steal from me) At first i went to a state sponsored treatment program but that was just a bunch of my fellow addicts sitting around sharing enough circle time that was required to receive our daily dose of suboxone, then I would sit in my car on lunch break and watch them wheel and deal their drugs for better ones. Plus they told us in the beginning we would only get the meds for 2 weeks. So i knew that program wasn't for me.
I found a great doctor who actually told me from the beginning,” we will take this at your own pace. That relieved a great deal of stress ( as the stress of kicking my habit in 2 weeks actually made me increase all the drugs i was trying to quit) For the first time in 20+ years I felt like a normal person when i got on the Suboxone. And i stayed on it for almost a year before I told my Dr. I was ready to start tapering off of it. He told me he would continue to prescribe 2 pills a day- I was to take 1 pill and see how i felt, and taper off that way. About 3 month later i lost my patience with myself and quit
cold turkey.

I have had 4 spinal fusion surgeries in the last 4 years. The worst one was on July 13th of this year where my C2-T2 was fused. I am telling you this so you understand that I know what it is like to have intense pain. After each surgery my surgeon has directed me to a pain management doctor. I had to sign contracts that I wouldn't get pain meds from any other doctor, not even my GP. This last surgery I was told by my surgeon I would have in his words "horrendous pain for the first 4 weeks where you may have wished you had just died". It wasn't quite that bad but it was really bad. My pain doctor's objective was to get my pain under control BUT not get me addicted.

You said she has 2 pain doctors. Are these pain management doctors? And do they know about each other? That was one condition of my doc, that I see nobody else. And my doctors (GP, surgeons, pain management) were all in the same system, so anyone could pull up my meds and see what other doctors had prescribed.

My suggestion would be to find a good pain management doctor. Bring in all of her pills. Let her have an honest talk (with you there) with the doctor and he can start weaning her off instead of making her stop immediately. When I started getting off the oxy I could cut my dose by 1/2 tablet a day for a week. Next week I would cut it another 1/2 tablet. I went from 10 mg 5 times a day to 1/2 of a 7.5 mg tablet 3 times a day. My next cut will be switching to Tylenol 3 when those pills are gone.

I fear if she goes back to her husband, she will just go back to the way she was. But if she doesn't follow through, then you have no choice. Addicts will always find a way to get their drug of choice. Don't ruin your marriage if she refuses to make a plan to gradually wean off. Huge hugs.

I need to say this before I read other comments. I’m sorry if I am too blunt but you seem to be grasping. First of all, your mother is not a “recovered alcoholic” because there is no such thing. And in reality she is not even recovering. She just replaced one drug for another. You need to get her back into AA and yourself to Alanon. You need to be educated about addiction if you’re going to help your addicted mother.

Drugs and alcohol are used to hide feeling that one either won’t or can’t deal with or doesn’t understand. 9 times out 10 it was some sort of abuse.

Her physical pain is not a manifestation, it’s very real. But her doctors are WRONG for prescribing Ambien for pain. It’s a sedative-hypnotic, calms the brain to induce sleep, not a pain pill.

some drugs when stopped suddenly and completely can be dangerous to a person. Did you ASK her how she felt about being removed from her home and husband? Maybe she resents that you did that. Have you asked yourself what you thought you were going to accomplish?
Are you willing to admit that maybe this is more than you can or should be Good luck and I’m sending you positive energy.

Flush 'em ! And call her doctor-- tell him to discontinue all meds until further review. Make it an order -- get her to sign over all POA responsibilities to you.
Do not wait.

Imho, the statement "she has had various addiction problems" is partially true as she presently is in active addiction, as in PRESENT tense. Ambien has made her sleep walk, has hooked her and made her become a huge fall risk. Moving her in with you and your husband wasn't a good idea. She will continue to "doctor shop" to feed her addiction at all costs. Pray tell, what happened to her husband who wasn't taking care of her?

I have a little idea. She says that Ambien (zolpidem) is the only thing that works as a sleep aid. Yet she is up in the middle of the night and probably takes another dose to put her back to sleep. She is working with the assumption that she needs to be sleeping until dawn. It may just be that she doesn't need to be sleeping as much as she thinks she does. I have heard that some people get by on 4 hours of sleep. Perhaps when she wakes she should consider that her night's sleep is over. Then she could sit up, grab a book and read until the household is awake.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=can+only+sleep+4+hours+a+night&docid=608010306768406819&mid=2CA24E1512C9EDEC2C3E2CA24E1512C9EDEC2C3E&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

Nobody is ever a 'recovered' addict; they are always & forever 'recovering' as you are witnessing with your mother. It's common to replace one addiction for another when getting off of a substance...........to replace alcohol, for instance, with sleeping pills, or pain pills, or even shopping or eating. Addiction is a very very sly and cunning little problem that affects a person on every level of life. My DH likes to say, "To the exclusion of all else, that is addiction." Your mother doesn't want to know or hear about anything else except what she wants. She will doctor shop until she gets what she wants and what her body needs.

That said, you don't have to deal with HER addiction, nor should you be dealing with it. You have a new marriage and an out-of-work DH to deal with, which is plenty.

Give your mother an ultimatum: Get OFF of ALL drugs or move out. Period.

She will choose the latter. Or, she will blow smoke up your butt saying that she's 'off' of her drugs of choice so she can stay in your home. You will know that she's lying because you will keep very close tabs on her. Plus, if she continues falling, there's your answer.

Get her into Assisted Living and onto the medication program where THEY dole out the drugs based on what prescriptions are written by the doctor. Speak to her doctor about her addictions and let him/her know that Ambien does not agree with her. In AL, she will have no other choice but to dry out.

Tough love. It will probably save her life and your marriage and sanity.

Good luck!

Both my parents were pharmaceutical Junkies before they crashed and burned about 8 years ago. They had so many drugs in their house it rivaled Walgreens. We ended up having to go to court in Las Vegas (where they lived) and activate our medical POA and their Trust. Once that happened, we moved them to Utah to be closer to my younger sister and put them in a great AL. Once they were "cleaned up", which took them about 10 months - it was life changing for them. About 85% of the reasons they were taking all these meds disappeared. It also uncovered medical conditions which the drugs were masking. We discovered that my father's dementia was worse than what we thought and that their pain levels were not what they told their doctors. Two suggestions - #1 Your mother's husband is responsible for her care & should be taking on that responsibility. #2 Seek out a Pharmacist who specializes in Elder care and medications, give her a consultation. I know they exist because my DIL is one in Chicago. They will sit down and go through all her meds & OTCs and try to reduce taking all those pills. The LESS medication she is on and the more "holistic" who lives her life, the more she will achieve a longer lasting life. Someone posting here recommended CBD oil or CBD balm, calming teas and melatonin for sleep all help. #3. If none of the above work - then you'll have to let her live her drug-driven life, but not in your home. YOUR home, YOUR rules! I wish you the best of luck.

I didn’t see any mention of pain meds, just Ambien and Benadryl. Still, you need to regulate them. You can buy a pill dispenser that you fill weekly, it locks, and automatically opens when it’s time for the next dose. There’s no way to get into it to take them early. The best one is under cabinet mounted. Then you can lock the rest of the meds away.

This is only if she is unable to make her own decisions, or will let you take over. If she is still competent and refuses, you’ll have to allow her to make her own mistakes.

I agree with everyone else, see if you can get her stabilized with the Ambien, then send her home. She will ruin your lives and your marriage.

What and how much meds is she taking .mom's pain management should make the decisions. They are there to control her pain period. If you try to take her off her meds she can have serious symptoms of illness and even Seizures that can kill her .

You are doing the right thing getting her off these drugs! Ambien is addictive, it also explains her loss of memory that is one of the side effects. So she probably is being honest when she doesn't remember falling. They put my sister on these drugs to the point where she was constantly falling. I would try to get her off all sleeping pills and anxiety pills. Once we removed them from my sister she began to get much better. There are natural alternatives you can try. Melatonin will help with sleep. CBD oil can help her relax and help with pain. She may need magnesium in her diet. It is something many elderly need to supplement with.

It is good that you got her away from the doctors prescribing all this. You may want to look into a homeopathic doctor in addition to her other doctors. It is nice to find out alternatives... then you can decide together with your mother and try the reassure her what she was doing was making her worse. She needs to try something else. Let her know you LOVE her most of all and comfort her through this time. God Bless You!

Hey EASWOL my name is Brittany and I’m a full-time home healthcare nurse. I came across your post and it’s just heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you don’t mind me asking what state do you live in? The best advice I know to give is this, it sounds to me like you and your husband need to monitor your mother’s medication. But before you start that you need to get a lock box that you know she can’t get into and also hide it. Whither it’s in your car, your closet or anywhere else you can think of but make sure only you and your husband know where it is. Also make a list of everything she’s taking, prescriptions and OTC, and also get a daily medication holder, the ones that you fill by the week, I’m not sure what all she takes or how many times a day but, get the one best suitable for y’all. Monitor her while she takes them also to make sure she’s taking what she’s suppose to be taking and nothing more or less. At first you’re going to get a lot of attitude from her and she’s going to tell you she doesn’t need you to watch her like she’s child. But make sure you tell her it’s for her own good and that you’re helping her and that you love her. Also make sure you reassure her that without her you’d be lost and that if she continues to keep taking her medication the way she is that she could either end up in the hospital or dead because of an overdose. I know it’s very straight forward and might sound harsh but, but you need to be very honest with her and the truth isn’t what she WANTS to hear but it’s what she NEEDS to hear. Also talk to her GP one on one about your concerns and he will help you through this process the best way that he can. You also need to stick with the plan no matter what. I know that when most people say that someone is an attic they think it’s hard core drugs like meth, cocaine, heroin, opioids and other things. But it sounds to me that your mother is addicted to the ambian and she needs to be wined off of it slowly and if she does have a sleeping problem there are other medications that aren’t so habit forming. And if she’s also on pain medication those two meds together aren’t the best thing. I’ve dealt with addiction personally and professionally and it’s a long road. Especially since she’s also a recovering alcoholic. Talk to her doctor about seeing a psychiatrist and possibly getting her into a Suboxone clinic. The reason I say Suboxone over Methadone is because Methadone is more habit forming than Suboxone and it’s also a long term medication that she would probably have to be on the rest of her life. Suboxone isn’t. But do your research on both of them, talk to her GP and y’all find a solution that better suits her. I’m also going to pray for y’all and pray that you get guidance to help through this tuff time. I hope my answer helps y’all and I hope you don’t think I’m being to judge-mental. But like I said I’ve dealt with addiction myself and I lost my best friend because of an addiction and if I could help at least one person in this world because of that, I’d be happy. If you have any other questions please don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll also give you my number and personal email if you’d like it. Good luck!!

Brittany

The more narcotics and psychotropics, the more likely they will fall and have other complications including incarcerated bowel. If you suspect a doctor is pull pushing narcotics, call your local sheriff's department and file a police report.

I find it incredible that she can sweet talk ANY doctor into free-range pill dispensing! Every single med that I am on is on file at all drs offices and the pharmacy. There is literally no way I can ever get 'more' of anything.

During the first of COVID, I was going bonkers with anxiety, I had just barely finished chemo for NHL and I got shingles. Just a hot mess all around.

My psych doc OKed a ONE time 'early refill' of my clonazepam, and it was only 2 days early. Put me on Seroquel for sleep, which has been a godsend....but as far as chronic pain--the chemo made my arthritis 10xs worse, and my PCP would not increase the amt of pain meds. I had to bite the bullet, so to speak and simply count pills and never, ever take extra.

It was a brutal 6 weeks, but I got through it. Please be sensitive to your mom. Being labeled a 'drug addict' when you are sick, in pain and miserable and feeling judged on top of that--well, what I NEEDED what understanding and compassion. In fact my psych doc said that total withdrawal of benzos can cause seizures and death.

It's easy to point that judgmental finer at people. I'm just saying--be kind in your approach to mom. Life is hard. And chronic pain is awful.

BTW, I never fell down or banged my head or any of those things. I am very aware of what I take, what I need to feel like I can function. Will I ever be totally OFF all these meds? I doubt it, but I hope so.

Mostly I want to live a full, pain free life. So far, judicious use of pharmaceuticals has kept me functioning.

What a horrible situation for you - it must be fixed at once. Make sure you have a Power of Attorney. Then talk to every doctor you know she sees and make them aware of everything and also speak with every druggist she deals with. Make sure YOU get all medications away from her. Either you have to have a caretaker or you have to place her in a facility. You cannot have her in your home because if you allow that, YOUR lives will be destroyed forever. She is going to get worse and you do NOT deserve that. Find a way to get her out of there at once. Good luck.

When I came home to take care of mom she was a real basket case.

I looked on the internet and found all the side effects of the pills she was on and most of them were worse that what she taking them for.

I quickly got her off of most of them and she recovered.

Being a natural path I can find herbs to replace most of her meds. Her doctor is great and we talk about it before we take off of any meds.

So sorry, Dementia is awful and no one ever taught us that this is our future.Call her doctor and let them know your concerns.

are you sure that you can care for your mother 24/7 why not get some in home help which in turn will help you perhaps everyone must think and see that when we get older doctors prescribe pills rather than alternate therapies due to age and
insurance coverage I know that fibromyalgia is a painful disease as I have it too
My recommendation for you would be to have a talk with her family do ctor or in
ternist and review all the medications and when she is taking them and have her in the room with you always involve her as that is probably most of her anger Some pills may be prescribed in smaller milligrams and ambien could be replaced
with a milder pill and then maybe you can decrease the total amount
Good luck and stay strong but always take care of yourself first

I moved in with my mom to help prolong her independence when she began showing signs of Alzheimer's disease. It didn't take me long to realize that she was abusing prescription drugs. It didn't matter how much I talked and pleaded with her, she would not stop on her own. I had to take all the drugs away from her and lock them up while I weaned her off. She almost broke down my door on numerous occasions trying to get to them. She yelled, screamed, cussed at me, at the pharmacists and at the doctors trying to get more drugs. She was a full blown addict. The main reason I was able to get her off the drugs was because her dementia progressed to the point that I was able to substitute sugar pills into her prescription bottles and fool her into thinking she still had her drugs. Good luck to you.

It won’t survive. Make a plan now. Your mother needs rehab. She may have recovered but will always be vulnerable. It’s a lot to handle. You and your new husband need time to bond and privacy so your marriage can thrive. PLEASE get some help for her and move her out! You will be a much better daughter in the end.

I should go back to that GP and ask him what his withdrawal plan is. It isn't that I don't agree with the radical review of her prescription, it's that I'm astonished he didn't address the issue of how she would feel about it. She is *dependent* on these meds. How does he recommend she be weaned off them, without trauma to her or you and your husband?

Your mom has an addiction problem. It might be easier to get her into an inpatient treatment program to detox than trying to do this at home. As an RN, I have cared for people going through detox - it is not pretty or easy! Your mom should not be in charge of her medications with her cognitive problems and addictive problems. She probably can not remember when she took her medications and is not taking them in a way to help all her problems. All medications, and possibly harmful substances, should be under YOUR lock and key and she should not have access.

Please prepare a list of all her medications and their schedule. Please get the powers of attorney for medical and financial drawn up through a family practice lawyer so you can mange her care. When you have those powers secured, work out arrangements that her primary care doctor manages her medical problems and that ONE - and only 1 - doctor manages her pain. Your mom will not like that you are taking over her medications, but in time she should have a healthier, less pain-filled life.

God bless you and help you. I am 86, healthy, strong, painfree, and med free. I am going throughthe same thingsyou are experiencing with my beloved 65 year old daughter. Age has little or nothing to do with dementia or any mental problems. It is almost always so called meds rather than age that damages brains. Of course, head injuries at any age can also cause dementia.I have managedto get my poor daughter into a good assisted livinh favility. I hope you can do the same for your loved one. Peopl with such problems need day and night supervision. They also need a nurse to be totally in charge of all meds.They must not be allowed any control over meds whatsoever. Aso, it is unfair for you to be incharge of the necessary med control and constant supervision.May God have mercy.

Well, the first thing, now you know it wasn't the husband's fault of your mom's bruises, falls, ect.

She is hooked on pain pills. Her Dr should be able to get her records and chznge up her meds to gradually get her to taking less. But,, no one likes pain so they need to do something about it and if mexs is all there is then mexs is what it'll have to be.

Whatever meds that make her fall, that she takes at night, she'll either have to stop taking them or wear Depends, an Adult Pull Up Diaper at night, so she won't have to get out of bed to pee.

Or, you might put a bed side commode next to her bed for night time use.

But, to not destroy your marriage, you may have to move your mom back in with her husband if she can't or won't agree with the new rules or meds.

Juse talk to your mom and see what she wants to do as it's her life.

Id she moves back with her husband, you can have Nest Cameras installed at her house so you can check on her 24 7 and time you want. She can also wear a Furst Alert in case she Falls unless her husband is alert enough to help.

She's been on pain meds for so long, she probably is having to take more ti do what less use to do to control the pain.

Talk to mom
Talk to Dr

This is only the beginning of a Long Long and difficult Road and to tell you the truth, being a newly wed is hard enough than letting your mom or anyone else to move in with you.

Maybe you can get her meds changed and then have her move back in with her husband. She might also prefer this.