My mother is destroying her life (and ours) with prescription pills. What should I do?

Hey EASWOL my name is Brittany and I’m a full-time home healthcare nurse. I came across your post and it’s just heartbreaking. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you don’t mind me asking what state do you live in? The best advice I know to give is this, it sounds to me like you and your husband need to monitor your mother’s medication. But before you start that you need to get a lock box that you know she can’t get into and also hide it. Whither it’s in your car, your closet or anywhere else you can think of but make sure only you and your husband know where it is. Also make a list of everything she’s taking, prescriptions and OTC, and also get a daily medication holder, the ones that you fill by the week, I’m not sure what all she takes or how many times a day but, get the one best suitable for y’all. Monitor her while she takes them also to make sure she’s taking what she’s suppose to be taking and nothing more or less. At first you’re going to get a lot of attitude from her and she’s going to tell you she doesn’t need you to watch her like she’s child. But make sure you tell her it’s for her own good and that you’re helping her and that you love her. Also make sure you reassure her that without her you’d be lost and that if she continues to keep taking her medication the way she is that she could either end up in the hospital or dead because of an overdose. I know it’s very straight forward and might sound harsh but, but you need to be very honest with her and the truth isn’t what she WANTS to hear but it’s what she NEEDS to hear. Also talk to her GP one on one about your concerns and he will help you through this process the best way that he can. You also need to stick with the plan no matter what. I know that when most people say that someone is an attic they think it’s hard core drugs like meth, cocaine, heroin, opioids and other things. But it sounds to me that your mother is addicted to the ambian and she needs to be wined off of it slowly and if she does have a sleeping problem there are other medications that aren’t so habit forming. And if she’s also on pain medication those two meds together aren’t the best thing. I’ve dealt with addiction personally and professionally and it’s a long road. Especially since she’s also a recovering alcoholic. Talk to her doctor about seeing a psychiatrist and possibly getting her into a Suboxone clinic. The reason I say Suboxone over Methadone is because Methadone is more habit forming than Suboxone and it’s also a long term medication that she would probably have to be on the rest of her life. Suboxone isn’t. But do your research on both of them, talk to her GP and y’all find a solution that better suits her. I’m also going to pray for y’all and pray that you get guidance to help through this tuff time. I hope my answer helps y’all and I hope you don’t think I’m being to judge-mental. But like I said I’ve dealt with addiction myself and I lost my best friend because of an addiction and if I could help at least one person in this world because of that, I’d be happy. If you have any other questions please don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll also give you my number and personal email if you’d like it. Good luck!!

Brittany

You are doing the right thing getting her off these drugs! Ambien is addictive, it also explains her loss of memory that is one of the side effects. So she probably is being honest when she doesn't remember falling. They put my sister on these drugs to the point where she was constantly falling. I would try to get her off all sleeping pills and anxiety pills. Once we removed them from my sister she began to get much better. There are natural alternatives you can try. Melatonin will help with sleep. CBD oil can help her relax and help with pain. She may need magnesium in her diet. It is something many elderly need to supplement with.

It is good that you got her away from the doctors prescribing all this. You may want to look into a homeopathic doctor in addition to her other doctors. It is nice to find out alternatives... then you can decide together with your mother and try the reassure her what she was doing was making her worse. She needs to try something else. Let her know you LOVE her most of all and comfort her through this time. God Bless You!

What and how much meds is she taking .mom's pain management should make the decisions. They are there to control her pain period. If you try to take her off her meds she can have serious symptoms of illness and even Seizures that can kill her .

I didn’t see any mention of pain meds, just Ambien and Benadryl. Still, you need to regulate them. You can buy a pill dispenser that you fill weekly, it locks, and automatically opens when it’s time for the next dose. There’s no way to get into it to take them early. The best one is under cabinet mounted. Then you can lock the rest of the meds away.

This is only if she is unable to make her own decisions, or will let you take over. If she is still competent and refuses, you’ll have to allow her to make her own mistakes.

I agree with everyone else, see if you can get her stabilized with the Ambien, then send her home. She will ruin your lives and your marriage.

Both my parents were pharmaceutical Junkies before they crashed and burned about 8 years ago. They had so many drugs in their house it rivaled Walgreens. We ended up having to go to court in Las Vegas (where they lived) and activate our medical POA and their Trust. Once that happened, we moved them to Utah to be closer to my younger sister and put them in a great AL. Once they were "cleaned up", which took them about 10 months - it was life changing for them. About 85% of the reasons they were taking all these meds disappeared. It also uncovered medical conditions which the drugs were masking. We discovered that my father's dementia was worse than what we thought and that their pain levels were not what they told their doctors. Two suggestions - #1 Your mother's husband is responsible for her care & should be taking on that responsibility. #2 Seek out a Pharmacist who specializes in Elder care and medications, give her a consultation. I know they exist because my DIL is one in Chicago. They will sit down and go through all her meds & OTCs and try to reduce taking all those pills. The LESS medication she is on and the more "holistic" who lives her life, the more she will achieve a longer lasting life. Someone posting here recommended CBD oil or CBD balm, calming teas and melatonin for sleep all help. #3. If none of the above work - then you'll have to let her live her drug-driven life, but not in your home. YOUR home, YOUR rules! I wish you the best of luck.

Nobody is ever a 'recovered' addict; they are always & forever 'recovering' as you are witnessing with your mother. It's common to replace one addiction for another when getting off of a substance...........to replace alcohol, for instance, with sleeping pills, or pain pills, or even shopping or eating. Addiction is a very very sly and cunning little problem that affects a person on every level of life. My DH likes to say, "To the exclusion of all else, that is addiction." Your mother doesn't want to know or hear about anything else except what she wants. She will doctor shop until she gets what she wants and what her body needs.

That said, you don't have to deal with HER addiction, nor should you be dealing with it. You have a new marriage and an out-of-work DH to deal with, which is plenty.

Give your mother an ultimatum: Get OFF of ALL drugs or move out. Period.

She will choose the latter. Or, she will blow smoke up your butt saying that she's 'off' of her drugs of choice so she can stay in your home. You will know that she's lying because you will keep very close tabs on her. Plus, if she continues falling, there's your answer.

Get her into Assisted Living and onto the medication program where THEY dole out the drugs based on what prescriptions are written by the doctor. Speak to her doctor about her addictions and let him/her know that Ambien does not agree with her. In AL, she will have no other choice but to dry out.

Tough love. It will probably save her life and your marriage and sanity.

Good luck!

I have a little idea. She says that Ambien (zolpidem) is the only thing that works as a sleep aid. Yet she is up in the middle of the night and probably takes another dose to put her back to sleep. She is working with the assumption that she needs to be sleeping until dawn. It may just be that she doesn't need to be sleeping as much as she thinks she does. I have heard that some people get by on 4 hours of sleep. Perhaps when she wakes she should consider that her night's sleep is over. Then she could sit up, grab a book and read until the household is awake.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=can+only+sleep+4+hours+a+night&docid=608010306768406819&mid=2CA24E1512C9EDEC2C3E2CA24E1512C9EDEC2C3E&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

Imho, the statement "she has had various addiction problems" is partially true as she presently is in active addiction, as in PRESENT tense. Ambien has made her sleep walk, has hooked her and made her become a huge fall risk. Moving her in with you and your husband wasn't a good idea. She will continue to "doctor shop" to feed her addiction at all costs. Pray tell, what happened to her husband who wasn't taking care of her?

Flush 'em ! And call her doctor-- tell him to discontinue all meds until further review. Make it an order -- get her to sign over all POA responsibilities to you.
Do not wait.

I need to say this before I read other comments. I’m sorry if I am too blunt but you seem to be grasping. First of all, your mother is not a “recovered alcoholic” because there is no such thing. And in reality she is not even recovering. She just replaced one drug for another. You need to get her back into AA and yourself to Alanon. You need to be educated about addiction if you’re going to help your addicted mother.

Drugs and alcohol are used to hide feeling that one either won’t or can’t deal with or doesn’t understand. 9 times out 10 it was some sort of abuse.

Her physical pain is not a manifestation, it’s very real. But her doctors are WRONG for prescribing Ambien for pain. It’s a sedative-hypnotic, calms the brain to induce sleep, not a pain pill.

some drugs when stopped suddenly and completely can be dangerous to a person. Did you ASK her how she felt about being removed from her home and husband? Maybe she resents that you did that. Have you asked yourself what you thought you were going to accomplish?
Are you willing to admit that maybe this is more than you can or should be Good luck and I’m sending you positive energy.

I have had 4 spinal fusion surgeries in the last 4 years. The worst one was on July 13th of this year where my C2-T2 was fused. I am telling you this so you understand that I know what it is like to have intense pain. After each surgery my surgeon has directed me to a pain management doctor. I had to sign contracts that I wouldn't get pain meds from any other doctor, not even my GP. This last surgery I was told by my surgeon I would have in his words "horrendous pain for the first 4 weeks where you may have wished you had just died". It wasn't quite that bad but it was really bad. My pain doctor's objective was to get my pain under control BUT not get me addicted.

You said she has 2 pain doctors. Are these pain management doctors? And do they know about each other? That was one condition of my doc, that I see nobody else. And my doctors (GP, surgeons, pain management) were all in the same system, so anyone could pull up my meds and see what other doctors had prescribed.

My suggestion would be to find a good pain management doctor. Bring in all of her pills. Let her have an honest talk (with you there) with the doctor and he can start weaning her off instead of making her stop immediately. When I started getting off the oxy I could cut my dose by 1/2 tablet a day for a week. Next week I would cut it another 1/2 tablet. I went from 10 mg 5 times a day to 1/2 of a 7.5 mg tablet 3 times a day. My next cut will be switching to Tylenol 3 when those pills are gone.

I fear if she goes back to her husband, she will just go back to the way she was. But if she doesn't follow through, then you have no choice. Addicts will always find a way to get their drug of choice. Don't ruin your marriage if she refuses to make a plan to gradually wean off. Huge hugs.

Ok I see, and I an approaching your dilemma with a personal story of mine - cause I've been there.
They “ say” ambien is a sleeping pill but youll never convince me of that. I took ambien for over 10 years and I would argue anyone that it was the only way i could sleep. I struggled nightly to sleep- despite needing to take 4-5 10mg.a day. You see just 1 would put me to sleep but it would not keep me asleep, therefor I was groggy and dragging all day.
Im willing to bet your mother is taking them during the days as well. ( oh yes I took them all day and night) Ambien is the next best thing to drinking)
I was addicted to pain pills as well. Its been about 12 years since Ive taken Ambien. And about 8 years away from opioids. I can walk past a pain pill sitting on the counter tempting me- but an Ambien scares the heck outta me. Ill b the first to say “ don't tell me you have them, don't ask me if i want them, do not prescribe them too me if i ask. It os still my greatest weakness”
I think you need to take control of her meds. Lock them in a safe and wear the key around your neck. She will not go through a physical withdrawal from the Ambien ( though she may swear she is) She will go through a very painful withdrawal from the opioids and its actually dangerous.
I personally would not flush them as I view that as demeaning and hurtful. She is still your mother not a child. And shes going to go through a lot of depression.
Without knowing what kind of pain pills she is taking I would say she isnt too old for a treatment program. I decided to get help only because my son kept stealing my pills and selling them to a neighbor. I couldnt afford to spend 500.00 a week anymore. ( I worked my way up to that habit over the years- and because of the Ambien i didnt know what was going on so it was easy to steal from me) At first i went to a state sponsored treatment program but that was just a bunch of my fellow addicts sitting around sharing enough circle time that was required to receive our daily dose of suboxone, then I would sit in my car on lunch break and watch them wheel and deal their drugs for better ones. Plus they told us in the beginning we would only get the meds for 2 weeks. So i knew that program wasn't for me.
I found a great doctor who actually told me from the beginning,” we will take this at your own pace. That relieved a great deal of stress ( as the stress of kicking my habit in 2 weeks actually made me increase all the drugs i was trying to quit) For the first time in 20+ years I felt like a normal person when i got on the Suboxone. And i stayed on it for almost a year before I told my Dr. I was ready to start tapering off of it. He told me he would continue to prescribe 2 pills a day- I was to take 1 pill and see how i felt, and taper off that way. About 3 month later i lost my patience with myself and quit
cold turkey.

This is going to be blunt, sorry in advance:
"Recovering alcoholic" = addict
HOW is your mother getting her hands onto drugs??
STOP supplying her.
Direct drug interactions also must be considered.
Remove ALL pills from her (OTC + Rx)
She is acting like a junkie who is being encouraged to ingest whatever, she can.
Addiction is a physical need, that your brain convinces you, that it must have to survive.

Benadryl + Ambian might be directly interacting with each other.
If those drugs are metabolized thru the same portal (P450 for example). In VERY layman's terms, she will experience different affects b/c each drug will be processed or not metabolized depending upon present competitors, that is why drugs should never be ingested together, wait 20 mins between each drug.
If she is also ingesting CBD, then she is really screwed.
CBD is a P450 neanderthal, bully.

Please understand you MUST take physical control of pills that she puts into her body. grab ALL drugs and eject ALL drugs from that house.

I still think a compassionate approach to someone who is suffering from what we may label 'addiction' is a better approach than the bulldozer effect of attacking the person you're concerned about, and simply calling them out and 'fixing them'.

Times have changed TREMENDOUSLY over the past 7-10 years regarding what Drs are allowed to prescribe. I think the pendulum has swung WAY too far to the 'no opioids for anyone, ever!' attitude.

Until I walked the 'bad back' surgeries, resulting in chronic pain that no amount of physical therapy can handle-combined with GAD--w/o the JUDICIOUS use of drugs, I would have long since taken my own life. The pain, mental and physical was beyond endurance, the emotional actually being worse.

Checking myself into the hospital as being suicidal 20 years ago helped me to learn I was sick, mentally and that there was help and hope. They did not keep me, as I expected, but began treating the depression, anxiety, etc that came as a result of very horrible abuse as a child that I had blocked completely.


Have I been judged beyond belief by my 'loved ones?" You better believe it. And by those who have absolutely no idea what my pain is like.

Yes, I am 'addicted' to meds that calm my troubled mind and body. I do not drink, nor smoke. I try to eat healthy and get exercise, but I think I am probably as 'good' as I am going to get. Esp after a year of treating cancer. The back problems are a daily challenge. W/O pain pills I would be bedridden by now. What would ANYONE have to gain by my being of no use???

I think that all meds must be watched and monitored by a good doc, and I would hesitate to call the cops on a dr b/c they prescribed meds you felt were 'inappropriate'. 2 of my kids are drs..trust me, they walk a fine line in prescribing meds and they HATE the govt's interference in their need to treat their patients.

Very few drs are 'pill pushing'. The opioid crisis is being monitored very tightly.

Sorry, I know I come off a little hot about this. It was through compassionate doctors that I am still around and functioning. What I take for meds is MY business, not my kids' or even my husband's.

A lot of people on this forum will tell you to put your mom in a home. I don’t think you should give up on her so quickly. Without you, she will have a terrible time and decline fast.

I’m sorry - this is a difficult time. As you have probably already guessed, it will probably get harder.

This will be a test for your marriage - if your marriage is great it will get greater; if it is vulnerable, this experience could threaten your relationship.

Although you can’t control what OTC meds your mom takes, you should talk to her doctors about concerns that she is abusing medications. If the doctors don’t listen, find a new doctor.

I’m sorry. This journey is tough.

My mother is 86 and takes medication for high blood pressure, anticoagulants (as she has had lung clots twice) and calcium for her bones. She won't do any form of exercise (which is why she got the blood clots) and takes ibuprofen probably every day for pain in her shoulder. I got a physio to assess her shoulder but she just said 'I have no intention of doing the exercises that woman suggested'. To us, it seems that gobbling NSAIDs and warfarin is a dangerous mix, but what can we do when she is supposedly compos mentis and we don't yet have any POA or anything. The drugs she is on also possibly make her vertigo worse, which is her excuse for not walking, so there seems little anyone can do for her.

sounds to me like YOU need to take all her pills from her (lock them up) and YOU dispense them to her when she needs them in the timeframe prescribed.  That way she can't over do it.  However, I am not sure what Ambien is unless it is something to calm her so she can sleep........IF it is....my dad took that one time (the doctor that gave it to him prescribed a too high dose) and when he got up to use bathroom he fell........that was the last time we allowed him to take that pill.  I also called the doctors and told them what happened.......so we didn't go back to that quack.  YOU do NOT have to PAY for your mothers care, that should be coming out of HER money......and if she doesn't have any.....you need to get in contact with a good Elder Attorney and he will get you on the path of filing for Medicaid for HER.  Do not continue to pay for anything for her care..........It almost sounds like she should be in an assisted care place where they can actually give her the meds on time, the correct amount and check on her daily.  You can visit but this way it won't strain your marriage and you (again) should not be using YOUR money to pay for HER stuff.  I wish you luck.

I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. I have experience with someone with an addictive personality, even though it wasn't a senior.

I can only tell you this: I suspect you made a mistake. You cannot be responsible for your mother. You are not responsible for her, believe it or not. What matters is your life and your marriage. Addicts don't change.

There's a group called "Al-Anon" that I went to a few times, but their basic message is that the addict doesn't change. There's no reason to sacrifice your life for your mom. She's not going to change this late in the game. This is a call for you to finally forgive yourself for her problems and let it go. Send her home, or put her somewhere else. Save your soul and your marriage.