She lives in a two-story townhouse. She has expensive taste but no money. Refuses to find something closer to me because there is nothing affordable up to her standards like granite countertops, wood flooring, etc. Also refuses a condo.
I just had to drive there because she has C-Diff and clean her up and call an ambulance because she couldn’t get out of bed by herself. We were on our way to a train for a birthday celebration for my husband.
She has always been narcissistic and self-entitled. When the diarrhea first started, I called my aunt and she drove three hours and she wouldn’t let her in. Then refused treatment from EMT that I called. Three days later she could not get up.
I need to have her move and I’m happy to take care of her. I have a new grandson I will be watching so I cannot go back and forth.
That sets the perfect stage for her to decide to find an assisted living facility near where she is now. They’ll take care of her and you can spend time with your beloved grandson.
If this demanding narcissist moves anywhere near you, you’ll be miserable within a few months. Her health will deteriorate and you’ll be on the hook to manage her whole life, for which she is not taking responsibility even now. Moving her in with you is not an option. You’d die before she would.
”But what will she do without my help?”
Her circus, her monkeys. Your grandchild, your happiness. Plus it’s easier to change a baby’s diapers than an elderly sick woman’s.
Now on to the age. You don't mention general debility. Does Mom still drive at this age? Is there any dementia or is she not suffering from that at all? How is her health other than this current bout which is very serious? Is there any way you could stay with her during this illness and its treatment, or do you feel that you are currently having to go back and forth so often that you are enabling her not to be able to choose in facility care?
Only you can say to your Mom that you cannot come any more and if she doesn't have anyone else to call she needs to consider entering Board and Care or other facility. I am so sorry both of you are looking at this crossroad. And do know that until that C-diff is cured there will likely not be an extended care facility accepting due to the somewhat infectious nature of the illness.
Again, I am so sorry and I wish you well.
If she does decide to move, you need to consider how much help you are prepared to provide. If she will only accept help from you, prepare to be at her beck and call 24 hours a day. I would set boundaries before she moves, including how much time and care you are prepared to provide. If she can't accept these boundaries, find another solution. If she does move and doesn't adhere to these boundaries, let any subsequent disasters happen and then make alternative arrangements.
Champagne taste on a beer budget is just that: taste. A Formica countertop will serve the same purpose as a granite countertop except on the Formica one, she may have a few bucks left over to fix food on it with.
Some old folks never grow up but that doesn't mean we "children" swoop in to rescue them from their own childish behaviors. Call APS to do a wellness check on her and if her living conditions are bad enough, THEY will force her into managed care where she's likely to share a toilet and fuggedabout countertops.
You do not drive to clean her up. I don't care if it is 1 minute away, 1 hour away. If she calls you and says that you need to come you tell her that in an emergency you are too far away then call 911 and tell them she needs assistance. If she refuses to let them in that is on her. If you show up 2 hours later, a day later and she is in need of an ER visit you call 911 and they can take her. (If she is the condition like last time they will take her even if she refuses)
Is this the only assistance you give her or do you do other things that make her seem independent but she really isn't?
This sounds like a person that I would not want to be jumping to care for all the time. She would probably be better in Assisted Living where she has people there to help her whenever she needs it.
Your grandson should take priority. What happens if you are babysitting and you get a call from mom, and she has moved 15 minutes away. Packing up all a baby's items, loading them into a car, getting the baby into the car, getting to mom....now how do you clean up mom...that may take an hour to clean her and whatever is soiled... and keep your grandchild occupied and safe while doing that. Might be easier as a baby but in 9 or 10 months it will be more difficult.
You do not have to run there when she beckons call 911. If she wants to be independent, then let her be independent, since you are running there to care for her she is NOT independent and no longer can live alone.
Read around here, your plan has all the benchmarks of not being a doable one.
There are many nice facilities available, she can sell her home and get the care she needs, the days of her fantasy lifestyle are over.
Good Luck!
Uhm no, you didn't have to do any of that, you could have sent EMS, and if she chose to not admit them she could suffer the consequences. The way I see it she has zero motivation to change when she knows she can bend you to her will.
She has expensive tastes and no money? So even if you did get her to move closer, who's going to pay for her expensive tastes in housing? You? How much is her townhouse worth? Would that be the only money she would have to support herself? Does she get SS, pension?
Or are you planning to move her in with you? If so, are you sure you want to do that? You're new here, but there are a lot of threads and posts about people who have regretted moving their parents in with them.