She is incontinent, and walks with a walker when she feels like it although she has fallen several times. She told me if I put her in a home she will stop eating and die and it will be on me. I am 65 years old, still working, and take care of my grandchildren 3 days a week. My husband and I have not been on a vacation in over 10 years. How do I get her to understand I can’t take care of her and help my husband too? She has always been very selfish and doesn’t do anything. I clean her in law apartment downstairs and have tried to get help come in but she refuses. Can I just tell her she has to go???
Anyone considering moving an elder parent into their home should read this post. If you must move them in talk to elder about deal breakers for continuing to stay in your home. Etc. Get it in writing so they can't claim the conversation never happened.
It makes me very angry to hear about elders who refuse to go to Assisted Living and come with ridiculous arguments about 'being starved to death' or 'thrown out like garbage' when in reality, it's like adult day camp in AL! My mother had the time of her life when she lived in AL, between happy hour on Friday, all the trips they took on the mini bus, the meals in the dining room, the activities, the parties, etc etc. We should all be so lucky in our old age to have the finances TO live in AL. My 94.5 y/o mother now lives in the Memory Care bldg of the same ALF where things are a bit different, but she's still better off there with friends and activities than she would be here, with nobody home and nothing to do all day!
Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution to your dilemma!
It sounds line you've been sold a bill of goods, i.e., "only people who don't love their parents put them in nursing homes".
It's NOT true.
Your mom needs more attention than you can give her.
Your husband should come first and it sounds like he needs alot of care.
Don't fall for your mom's manipulation.
If your mother needs more care than you can manage in addition to caring for your husband, more permanent placement will be necessary for her.
You are not going to get her to LIKE this decision.
She may not like it (you can add you don't either! ☹️). She didn't choose to get old & your Husband didn't choose to get cancer. But that's the reality.
It would be nice if she agrees to help you both, but if not, go ahead & arrange what you need to do.
Trying to reason with unreasonable people is a losing battle.
Next time she tells you she will stop eating and die if she goes to a facility turn the tables on her and ask her if she wants you to die from the stress of trying to do it all for her on top of the million other things you have to do. Ask her how she would feel if you died first. The stress you feel trying to do what she wants. Her answers may help alleviate some of your guilt about placing her.
It isn't that she doesn't understand. It's that she doesn't *agree.* Doesn't agree, that is, that her needs have to be balanced with those of others who are equally dear to you; and quite possibly too doesn't agree (because she won't see it, because she won't think about it) that meeting her needs takes too much out of you and others in the household.
This is what you're asking her to agree to (note: this is *her* point of view. I'm not asking you to agree with this!): "My daughter has her hands too full to look after me. So now that I am old and useless I must help to look after myself by moving to a place where I don't know anybody, where I will be forgotten about by my loved ones, and where I will very probably die of starvation and neglect because my daughter doesn't love me any more and has forgotten everything I ever did for her. Fine. Where do I sign?"
Not going to happen. Not ever. So forget the getting her to understand part.
Find your facility. Book her in for a respite stay, using as your reason that husband has XYZ procedures or treatments coming up and he'll have to be in hospital and so you won't be home for that given period. Tell her this is happening, as opposed to ask her permission. Do it. Take it from there.
Meanwhile, hire a cleaner for heaven's sake. Stop giving her the option of free services from Blondie97's Acme Cleaning Co.
My friend told her granny to save her a place.
When your mother makes such ridiculous threats to you, tell her to wait a couple of minutes while you make a phone call. Then do it.
DO WHAT YOU’VE GOT TO DO. You’ll still feel guilty, because you’re a good daughter, but you won’t feel miserable all the time. And she WILL get over it. She’s just threatening with you with the only card she has to play, but it’s doubtful that she would live up to it.
Look after your poor husband, and bite the big one with your mom. It doesn’t make you a bad daughter. It makes you a responsible one.
But in light of her ridiculous threats, which I hope you have reported to her doctor it definitely is time to start the process of moving her out.
Also why on earth are you cleaning her space? She should be paying someone to do it for her. If she balks at strangers, tough beans, it is not her call. She either keeps it clean on her own or pays for it to be done. You are not her slave.
Yes, you can just tell her she has to go. Before though, find a good home and have a plan in place so the transition can be as 'easy' as possible. Keep it matter of fact, straightforward...the time has come where you need to move to a care home. She may even be happier but will never admit it
It is her choice whether she eats or not (I would guess she will) but that decision is on her not you.
And go on vacation... like a really good one.
How childIsh of her. Don’t believe it. It’s just another manipulation tactic. Like little children who threaten to run away if you make them eat their veggies.
Yes, you can tell her to go. It’s YOUR house, your rules. She won’t go on her own accord.