My mom is 73 and she’s found every way to stay our childhood home when she needs to leave and go somewhere affordable. She recently broke her knee doing lawn work and is now rehabbing in the living room. She has very little resources, she has no income other than social security, the bank owns the house, and she is still thinking she can sell it for over the bank price owed. She won’t listen to reason in regards to making a plan for her future. It’s costing me and my brother lots of money to enable her lifestyle (it’s a big house). What are the logical next steps and should we include her in the decision making?
And do not continue to put your hard earned money in her pocket! You have to save for your future!! I wish you the best in figuring this out. Liz😊
Some are Individualism (stresses individual goals and the rights of the individual person).
Others are Collectivism (focuses on group goals, what is best for the collective group).
Many newer arrivals to my country found the idea of hiring aides instead of doing the elder care themselves weird & uncaring.
But then when every adult in the household is working to make ends meet (until 67) & their parent is elderly needing anything from supervision to full nursing care & can live to 100 they get a different perspective.
My family back in Europe/UK I expect looked after their own parents. But had larger families, maybe 6 or so adult children, all living local. People got old, sick & died. (Don't think they lived 15yrs with dementia or 20 after stroke like folk can today, certainly not to 100).
I have older parents now + a sibling with multiple disabilities. One other sibling lives far away. I work 5 days. I don't need a house to inherit one day (when I'm 75) I need wages to live on now.
In an ideal world family can always care for each other... But I want my children to go to university, not become handmaidens for my relatives.
I am not alone with this situation. It is how our modern society evolved & that's the reality I have to deal with.
Second, the thought of making such a big decision is often overwhelming for anyone looking at downsizing. It took 4 months to get my mon sorted out and moved to AL. And another 6 months to finish clearing out 57 years of accumulated junk. Do some research or hire someone to help with this process.
I rented a storage locker and stored anything Mom wanted to keep, as well as seasonal decorations.
Third, looks like your Mom is going to need Medicaid or some other form of government assistance since she won’t have the money from the house to use. Make an appointment with a social worker to find out what resources you might be able to access. Is she eligible for a VA pension? Mom got $1200 a month because my dad had served during a war.
Note that Medicaid does not pay for Assisted Living although many places will accept a waiver for a long term resident. Medicaid will only pay for a bed in skilled nursing care.
Forth, now is the time to start looking into alternative housing options. See if there are any low income apartments that charge rent based on the residents income. There might be long wait lists so get her name on a list ASAP.
And lastly, yes include your mother in the decision of when and where to move. It will be much easier for all of you if she is as least somewhat willing. Places, are,opening up for tours again so you might be able to tour some facilities. Good luck!
.
She needs a serious dose of reality syrup. If you can get the information
1) Total due on the MTG (first, HEL or reverse?) including monthly payment
2) value of the home
3) net income
4) utility costs
5) food costs
6) RE taxes
7) misc expenses
Tally this all up.
If you can SHOW her that her income is less than all her expenses, that's a starting point.
Value of the home can be guesstimated
- get assessed value from town (usually less than sale, but condition matters)
- check online places like Zillow (I find they are WAY over estimated!)
If you can demonstrate that the value (downgrade for any needed work, such as roofing, yard cleanup, major repairs needed like windows, etc) is less than or close to what she owes, it can help break that bubble. The housing market is fickle. Depending on the condition, location, desirability and local market, it might be worth less than the valuation. For my mother's condo, it was a desirable location AND it was the only 55+ on the market in the entire area. The offer(s) were for more than the asking price. BUT, there were major repairs that had to be done before it went on the market. Heating system died and glass all started losing the seals, so they would fog up.
On a separate list, tally up all the duties your family has. Assumption is you are still raising kids, perhaps planning/saving for college funds, saving for your own retirement, jobs, house duties, kid duties (including help with home schooling!) and activities. You can just tell her there are not enough hours in the day to get all your own chores and repairs done. You can tell her that it takes 2 incomes to support a family today, so you can't afford to pay all her debts as well.
Question: Did she care for her own parents?
If yes, did that include taking on debts and multiple duties such as painting and yard work? An occasional assist here and there isn't a big deal, but I doubt that she did this for her parents.
If no, then why does she expect you to do this?
By today's standards, 73 isn't that old yet. Should she be brick laying? No. But if she can't care for her own home (cleaning, etc), can't afford to pay the bills and can't afford to hire someone to do the work, it is time to move! Unfortunately, this is not your decision. The only decision you can make is to back off with assisting to maintain her "independence." She is NOT independent if she can't do these things and/or can't hire someone to do it. You can provide the information for her, regarding the costs of homeowning, showing her the income in insufficient to support this "lifestyle" and encourage her to consider downsizing to something affordable with less care needed.
As noted several times, your mother is only a few years older than me. I will NOT expect my kids to "prop" me up. I have been taking pains to ensure there are funds for my care, should I ever need it. I do have a mortgage, only because I bought this 6 years ago and having lost my job before selling the other home, some funding issues occurred, but I worked it out myself! If I can get back on track to finish the needed repairs here, the plan is to start paying more on the mortgage to get rid of it! As I get older, I will want to hire people to help out with plowing (have my own right now), shoveling, painting the exterior, etc. IF I ask my kids to help out, I PAY them. They are not and will not be my butler and maid!
Final thought - If your mother broke her knee doing yard work, no way she should be doing ladders (for that matter, most painting can be done inside without a ladder - they make poles for the rollers!) She needs to move, but that has to be HER decision, not yours. She needs a reckoning and the only way she will get that is to show her the bottom line(s) AND back off with assistance, physical and financial.
If she is clinging to the idea that she needs to do this or that to sell it call her on that, she can turn over the control of all of that to you and your brother and you will do the research to sell it and help her find a place and move but she has to give you that control. Bring a realtor in to tell you what you might get for it and what might increase that and what won’t. The market in many places is still a sellers market so this may be the time for the best chance to get out from under the house not just get mom in a place she can handle. It won’t be easy for any of you either way but if it’s more than she will do and won’t go along with it you really need to let her fail. It’s the same thing many of us have had to do with unhealthy non safe loved ones living alone who refuse help, we have to wait for the inevitable emergency event that sends them to the hospital.
I know how difficult this is but it sounds like you and your brother are both involved so at least you have a support system, present as a united front, that’s worth so much in this journey of caring for your parent. Good luck