Hello, I’m new to the forum and it’s been really interesting and comforting to read about other people's situations and advice! My mom, 85, has been living with me, my husband and 2 teenagers for the last six months. We’ve been taking care of her while she has a total hip replacement and regains her mobility. Mom normally lives about 8 hours drive away close to my older sister who was unable to take on the care during this operation.
Mom’s memory is getting worse, diagnosed as mild cognitive dysfunction at the moment. I’ve been trying to talk with mom about what’s next for her. We can’t keep her with us for much longer as it’s starting to affect my marriage and my relationship with the kids. I’m also an artist and getting to my studio to work has been really difficult while mom has been here. I’ve asked her if she wants to return to her home and if she thinks she could manage. She says yes but then says ‘but it’s so lonely there’. She has not made any friends or joined any groups or has any interests outside her direct family since dad died 26 years ago. Her support network at her home consists of my auntie and uncle down the street (they’re in their 70s and will pop in but can't offer much more than that) and my sister who is 62 and has been really good often helping mom with shopping, doctor's appointments and socially but who is finding it tougher and tougher as mom's needs increase and is unemployed herself, has very little personal support (no significant other or family of her own) and in her own words “is relying on drink to cope.” When I try to push mom further on what she wants and whether she can cope, she just says "I can’t think about that at the moment. I’m in too much pain." Her pain seems a lot better since the operation, which was about a month ago. Ideally for my and my family’s sake I’d like to get her back home in August (as long as she keeps progressing well mobility wise) but I’m really worried that it will end in her being unable to cope or my sister trying to live with her to care for her ( last year my sister tried living at mom's house for about 6 weeks and it ended with my sister drunkenly raging on the phone to me about my mom and the next day my mom was sobbing on the phone to me saying that my sister was going to abandon her - my sister said mom was hungover at this point but mom's not meant to drink much with her medication) I’m worried about both of them. I have 3 brothers, all living in different places, all offering various different levels of short periods of help mom but they don’t seem to want to take on anything but the easier less messy stuff and they’ve all fallen out with my sister as she can be really difficult and say hurtful things especially when she’s been drinking.
Anyway, how do I help my mom with her future if she won’t or can’t talk about it?
Sister’s attempt to keep your mother ended up with both of them drinking a lot too much – sister raving drunkenly on the phone, mother drinking too much to be OK with her medication, sobbing that sister was going to abandon her. But the extra complication in them living together is that “Mom has also been helping my sis out financially for years, so they’ve been dependent on each other”.
And behind it all, is that Mom was married to an alcoholic, and can’t have good memories of that! Nor can you, your sister, and your three brothers.
Question: how much do your three brothers know about all this? It’s all the sort of things that get swept under the family carpet for shame reasons. Brothers know that sister has a nasty tongue, and that’s why they stay away. However if it’s a case of an AL near somewhere permanent, they might step up. They and possibly your SILs may be willing to do weekly visits and be a more stable base to live. Perhaps even with grandchildren? Is it possible for sister’s financial needs to be met, without her wanting to hang on to mother?
All that I can suggest is the painful process of putting it all on the table for all of you. Siblings first, then mother if that suggests any good options. Covering up this mess is never going to work out, except by death. Perhaps even this email, with tweaks, might be a place to start. It comes from a stranger, they can say ‘what’s wrong with that’.
When I look at my little old mom doing as much as she can around the kitchen for me to be helpful it breaks my heart to think of her in care with strangers. I feel so guilty about any decision that isn’t living with us but my realistic head knows that my husband and kids are not coping well with mom being around all the time and if I’m completely HONEST I hate not being able to get to the studio and do my work although mom doesn’t see the importance of art to me it’s my work and what makes me me.
We’re going to have a family meeting online tomorrow. All 3 brothers, sis and me. I realise from your messages that during this we all need to be completely honest with what we can and can’t offer. My sis is focused on her and mom moving in together - mom selling her house and buying a place for both of them nearer to conveniences - part of me feels like at least mom would be with family which on the surface is what mom would prefer but with sis drinking to cope my realistic head thinks that would be big mistake. My sis gets so like my alcoholic dad when drinking that it’d be like putting mom back into that situation again just like when I was a kid which I feel is just wrong no matter how much my sister blames me for ‘condemning mom to an awful life” in AL or for saying that sis hasn’t been looking after mom ‘all this time’ based on ‘one slip when she wasn’t coping’. It wasn’t just one time but it has been just once when sis was living in moms home and when mom can no longer get away from it by walking out. Mom is now much more vulnerable and can’t get away from a situation if she needs to. I think that the shopping, social interaction, doctors appointments, hospital visits that my sis has done was good not perfect but who is perfect and good enough is all mom needed. Mom has also been helping my sis out financially for years so they’ve been dependent on each other. It seems so complicated!
Maybe AL near me would be the best idea, I’d be ok with that so I know moms safe when I’m not there and I can visit regularly. I am concerned with mom agreeing to this as I think she’ll want to go home as soon as AL is mentioned also I’m pretty sure we’ll be here until the kids graduate from school - 3-4 years - but after that my husbands work might mean we have to move (we’ve had to move a lot with his job in the past including overseas) and I’m worried that then having to move mom again might mean this isn’t the best choice now - I’m trying to think about how the future might go. Oh it’s all so difficult and as you say nothing seems like the ‘right’ one.
At the minute my sis and oldest brother have joint POA. Depending on where mom ends up that might have to change.
I feel like this is rambling but it is helping to get my thoughts straightened out.
Important that there now be a POA who can act. If Mom has only mild impairment diagnosis now she can understand and sign these form.
Important now to say that there are no GOOD ANSWERS to what is coming, but that it is COMING, and that there have to be the best answers you can find together.
I doubt seriously that three brothers, the living conditions, ability to help, willlingness is all unclear will end up anything but a whirling stew.
Be honest. No beating about the bushes. Time to truly honestly discuss what is coming next.
I always advise against taking a senior "temporarily into your home" as that leads to this sort of expectations ramble in which people try tomake it right, and try to be nice, but eventually always come down to the reality of having SOMEONE to make decisions of what will be done. That may, in this case, be the POA. You are going to need a single decision maker. When that person is in place then you make clear what you will do and what you will not.
Of course the sister who already broke once attempting this care is not a good option to attempt it again.
Start with family meeting without Mom. Then move to family meeting with Mom.
Start with POA. Then move to "options".
This won't happen in a day, but with honestly it will happen. Not without tears. Not with a perfect situation found. But it will happen.
You make the decision where Mom is going. Hopefully she has the money for an Assisted Living. If she has a house it can be sold to pay for her care. You tell her since she can't decide you and Sis needed to make the decision for her. Your sorry, but she can't stay with you. And since she has said she would be lonely going back to her home, you thought an assisted living would be a good choice. She would have a room to herself with her things. She would eat in the dining room with other people. Have socialization and activities. This would be a nice solution for all.
Have a sit down with your mom, give solutions, set a deadline…
start visiting AL , so she can get the gest of what they are like.. when planning for her move, where she ultimately moves to , be sure, they will take Medicaid, some take Medicaid after , 1 or 2 or 3 years of self pay… And also has a memory care. Plan for the long haul .
if I could have convinced my mom to move here from another state, instead of her first AL , those are things I would want.
What immediately jumped out to me was Mom saying 'but it’s so lonely there’.
She may not be able to plan well anymore (mild cognitive decline will do that) but she has told you what she wants in a way... Not to be 'abandoned' by your sister & more company. Use that to start.
Somewhere with some staff & other people, activities, services that can be stepped up if mild cognitive issues worsen. So..
Q1 Assisted/Supported Living for Mom close to which one - you or your sister?
Of course factor in which location would suit you better, which would be best for Mom & sister's preferences too.
They may not align at first..
Maybe a few chats with your sister. Middle of day can be better to call some people as you may have found. (Avoiding hangover or tipsy times). Is she up to being nearest relative & visitor for Mom (in an AL) or need a complete break? That would not equate to you having take Mom on, but a real chat now may avoid having to move Mom an extra time.
Your alcoholic sister was doing a lot for your mother prior to that, with both of them living 8 hours away from you. Apparently your mother was also drinking. ? Your mother shouldn't go back to her previous living situation.
And then you have 3 brothers who don't do much at all other than the "easier less messy stuff."
Who is POA? HCPOA? What is her financial situation?
Your mother would probably like to continue living with you. Don't let her lack of a decision determine the future. You do NOT have to allow her to continue living with her.
So tell us more, and then we will have some ideas for you.
BTW, welcome to the forum!
Did your mom go to rehab after her hip replacement?
Is she getting PT at home?
Have you consulted her surgeon/doctor about the pain?
https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/mayo-clinic-q-and-a-pain-near-artificial-hip-should-be-evaluated-without-delay/
I think the thing to do here is to come up with 2 or 3 choices that suit YOU and present them to mom. Either mom makes a choice or you will.
It doesn't sound like "going home" to loneliness and your alcoholic sister is a viable choice.
How about Assisted Living nearby? Senior apartment, nearby.
What are her finances like?
Do you have POA for Healthcare and finances? Get those done asap.
More information will get you better advice from us.