My mom refuses to cook. Thoughts?

Is that really a hill you want to die on? Meals? It will turn into a battle, and you will resent her even more than you do now. And probably have a crying jag, or a blow up over it. Wont solve the living situation. I completely understand the resentment, and intrusion into your life. You like your family's privacy. And didn't think she would be living with you. I totally get that! Your not a bad person for having these thoughts. It's normal. Read that again. Its normal. It's what we do about it that matters, and will make living life better, or a nightmare.

I think you need some personal outlets. You are more than a mom, and a care taker. Try to do something just for you. It's not frivolous, but a necessity. That will be an outlet, you can decompress, and face life with a calmness you didnt have before. It's not being selfish, but a necessity.

Are you able to get her to set the table, do dishes, or something else, maybe dust, fold laundry, set her up to mop a floor? Put groceries away? Does she have cognitive issues, even occasionally? People who have mild cognitive issues can get belligerent and hide it. Perhaps cooking a meal is to many steps? Or following a recipe. It is easier to be belligerent then say, I can't do it.

If you can find something she can do, that might be a decent trade off. Maybe involve the kids, and her. Make it fun. And teach kids it is not a boring chore, but we are all chipping in and helping the family. A very important lesson. And isnt it nice to have fresh clothes, a made bed, and a clean family room. How helpful they are. My mom kicked us kids out to clean. I had to learn how to do it on my own as a young adult. I would have loved knowing a good weekly system.

When I was in school, we had chores. I always felt good knowing we were setting tables, and doing dishes for the good of everyone. It was nice knowing that. It never seemed like this is awful. Why do I have to do this chore? Different mind set makes all the difference!

(In another thought) I found some ladies on YouTube that put crock pot meals together, then freeze them. It doesn't take long, and it is so nice to have back up meals when you dont want to cook. It might take a half hour or more, depending on how many meals you want to do ahead of time. You can get the kids, and mom to help. It teaches kids how to plan ahead. It is basically dumping items in freezer bags. There are stands you can buy to hold the bags open, so they dont spill contents out. The kids can dump and mix meals. Mom can open the meat or a can. You can supervise and read the recipe out. See how everyone is working together for the greater good of the family? Be sure to praise everyone for helping. They were such good helpers! Now you have meals for a month. One less thing to think about. Yea!

The meals are tasty, and I enjoyed knowing I had serveral back up meals in my freezer ready to go. It's nice to know I can just toss in the crock pot, and dinner is almost done. A big relief, when you dont want to cook, or have to figure out what to make, and what's in the cupboard. They have 5,10, 20 etc meal recipies. You just pick how many you want to do. That reminds me, I need to put more together :D They are so handy.

Id find something your mom can do, and let it go. At least she isn't complaining about your meals.

Your probably going to have to treat her as an extra kid. I'd pick something she can do, and leave it at that. It will also teach your kids, about caring for elderly, and to have patience. Those little minds are always watching.

Is your mom a narc? Maybe, but I'd rather let the resentment go, and have a better day, than dwell on it. That resentment will just eat away at you, and effect your health and mental state. You dont want your kids thinking your always in a bad mood and resentful. Take the kids and mom on a walk, or kids get their bikes and go around the neighborhood and enjoy the day. Or have a game night, or movie night. Let it go. Good luk

I have been looking for this Dear Abby letter for ages every time the question "should my parent pay their way now they are living with me" comes up. This was in her column August 13, 1996.

DEAR 80 AND HOLDING: Thank you for sending it to me. I agree, the rules are worth repeating. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my husband's mother came to live with my husband and me 23 years ago, she made our lives so miserable I vowed I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them. One day, I wrote myself a letter containing some rules. I put it in an envelope marked, "To be opened on the day I go to live with one of my children" -- then I put it away.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for eight years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and move in with my daughter. I'm submitting that letter. Perhaps your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to. Here are the rules:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat. Fresh undies and daily baths are a must.
-- Remember, it is their home. Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- Try to make your own friends and develop interests outside the home.
-- If you suspect they would like to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they will be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinion on family matters unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 22 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- 76 AND HOLDING

When my Mom lived with me she had a house so most of her SS when to keeping it up till it sold. She did have a small pension check that I used on her needs. Did I charge her room and board, no because we did not need the money. But there are children that do need the money. One more person in their home can put a financial burden on them especially if the child needs to quit a job or cut down on hours to care for a parent. Then I see no reason the parent shouldn't pay something towards the house hold.

I want to thank those who provided kind and thoughtful responses. I realize this is not the place I want to be in for support. I also realize no one here knows truly my situation or the past that has painted a picture for my mom and I. I do know I have made decisions with the intent of helping someone in a hard situation, someone who I never quite had a great relationship to begin with, someone who I feel certainly displays some form of gaslighting and narcissistic tendencies, who I refuse to allow it to happen in my home. However, I try to better myself and heal myself at the same time so I can be there for her as I could never seen family on the street. Fears of what will happen if I don’t allow her to live with us, always worrying about her safety etc., haunt me as well. It feels like a double-edge sword. Anyway, I would love to close this post down as I realize it really is only me who can decide what’s best in my home, and that comments from a peanut gallery who offer nothing but criticism really don’t help me or my situation. If this post can’t be closed down, I’m just going to graciously exit and wish everyone the best! Again, thanks for those who actually offered support here, Those with harsh criticism really need to think hard about the words they say about a situation they know very little about to a person who is truly trying to do their best with the situation they have been handed. Peace ✌️

It can be difficult, within the household when someone sits and doesn't chip in when they seem perfectly capable. My mother is 90 (not 72) and while she is physically still able to cook, she can't handle the judgement and decision making. She struggles to focus cognitively. This loss of ability creeps up and creeps into someone you think you know. At first you may wonder "why doesn't she do something as simple as contributing to cooking", but it is much more complicated than that. I agree with other posts to look for other areas where she might contribute and accept that only you can adjust and manage the situation. The basics of her situation and attitude is unlikely to change.

You stated your mother pays you a decent rent, even though she has had financial difficulties; why would she then need to cook, clean, etc. for your family. If there is a narcissistic personality, it’s you. This is your MOTHER, who is 72 years old. She shouldn’t be paying you rent and you should be taking care of her, not the other way around.

So with your history with mom, you decided to let her move in, pay a good amount of rent then complain that she doesn't want to cook for your family. She would bit be living in her car. You could have gotten her on a list for HUD in the very beginning. It seems you don't like the fact that she doesn't want to cook for a brood of people, yet you sure are enjoying the rent she pays you every month. Find other things she doesn't mind doing.

Simple question for you:
What would your expectations be, if you were talking about your dad, rather than your mom?

Simplify: providing a meal doesn't have to mean 'cooking' necessarily; perhaps 'her' night of feeding family is 'Pizza night!' Or 'Pancake night!' She does not sound like a Narcissist, where it's all about her; she simply is not a cook. She let you know that from the getgo. She could give you a break from cooking in a simple way; soup and sandwich, still nutritious but not highly elaborate meals. And if she's 'retired' from kitchen/meal prep, as she told you up front after all, her other contributions to family life could substitute; have the conversation to find that compromise. Food made out of resentment loses the nurturing factor, when family meals could/should be about togetherness.

Maybe her mind is no longer sharp in cooking meals (can’t remember ingredients/steps, etc). To mask this, she may be using the excuse of not wanting to cook anymore. Be careful. If she’s cooking and not quite sharp, it may lead to a kitchen fire, injury, or something worse. Enlist her help in cooking meals for the whole family. Maybe she can do small tasks with you.

Mom might need a version of a rental agreement. I would suggest that you and your husband make a list of all the obligations to living in your home for everybody - list all the financial costs, list all the upkeep tasks, list all the tasks to keeping a family healthy and happy. Then, consider what would be "fair share" for each person to pay (sons are included in the shares, but you and hubby pay that). Might want to consider how long each task takes to complete. Have a meeting with mom and husband to go over the lists. Discuss together what each person will contribute financially and in work with consequences for not contributing. After the meeting, hand each person their own list of tasks, financial contributions, and consequences. Have each person sign a copy to keep on file.

You mother should not be expected to cook for your family. It's one thing for an older person to cook or put together meals for him or herself. It's a bigger project to cook for a family.

You moved your mother into ypur existing household. You did not hire a cook.

I do not like to cook, either.

I’m 80 years old and don’t like to cook anymore after years of cooking. I think it’s something we all feel as we age. However, I do manage to fix my own meals, and eat when I’m hungry. Up until three and a half, four years ago, my mother lived with me, paid me some rent, and she never had to cook, or clean, or do her laundry, unless she wanted to for something to do, and the most she would do, was the dusting in her room. Granted we had some moments, but I was so fortunate to have my mother live with me for sixteen years before she started showing signs of decline. Mom was placed in a home facility where she fell and fractured her femur. After surgery, recovery was at a rehab facility that also had long term care, and that is where she died at the age of 98, in March of 2020.
She’s your mother, not your cook, or maid.

No answers, just support. Some of these answers are way out of line.

I'd cheerfully take the cleaner and skip the cooking, especially if the cook didn't like cooking.

You are the one with the narcissist and self entitled attitude. You and your husband are adults who decided to have children, and decided to have this busy active lives in which your children are homeschooled.

It is not your mother's responsibility to be your chef nor become the housekeeper and babysitter.

You are being extremely unreasonable and this mindset of your is abusive and entitled.

This is a woman in her 70s who has paid and paved her dues to society, the workforce, and has raised children for most of her life.

She is retired now, and her abilities and capabilities are different now.

She has earned the right to do what she wants. How selfish of you to demand and expect her to cook or do anything for that matter. She hates cooking, she probably always hated it but did it to feed her family.

I don't know what you mean by revoking or restrict her access to food with you and your family because she doesn't want to cater to you. That sounds highly like elder abuse. Restricting to break her will so that she'll cave in and become your servant.


Also no one ever does "nothing". You don't know what's going on with her mentally, emotionally, physically, etc ... That she may spend most of her time trying to work through and process. She's had to endure, adjust, and adapt to a lot of changes. Such as having to uproot her life, becoming older, retiring, adjusting to living with you all, becoming less capable and independent, a demanding daughter who she may be unsure that loves her, etc...you don't know what she's doing or going through.

Even if she loved cooking and offered to cook. It is not her responsibility to feed your family. That responsibility falls on you and your husband. No one else's. You aren't a little girl anymore, coming home from school and waking up to home cooked meals. Knowing that you'd get home cooked meals everyday or whenever she cooked.

Those days are completely over with. You can't recreate those days. You can be happy and grateful that you have those memories to cherish.


Feed your mom, drop the expectations and demands.

Figure out, and feed your family with your husband.


Get take in, order in, get easy to fix meals. Perhaps oven and microwavable, already prepared meals.

Leave your mom alone.

Perhaps you should go to therapy. You obviously have some resentment issues towards your mother and maybe others, and perhaps issues with the life you've chosen for yourself.

Easy get meals on Wheels for her she will receive a nutritious lunch - buy a microwave and put it in her room along with a small refrigerator- Trader Joe’s has great frozen dinners . Also lunch meats and cold cuts she can make herself a sandwich 🥪 problem solved .

i'm sorry you have felt unsupported here--i think just the way the post was written, as many others have said, left out some background info that might have produced different and more supportive responses. my own knee-jerk reaction to the title of this post was that most elderly women eventually decide they've retired from cooking and they've earned that right, so it sounded a bit nitpicky. especially since she offers to clean up instead AND pays rent--not knowing the backstory, that sounded totally fair and reasonable to me, unless she's demanding you cook something separate for her beyond what you cook for your family, that would of course be unreasonable. but after reading your follow-ups i know now that there is a lot more going on so my opinion has changed. there is also the fact that most people here are dealing with a parent with dementia, in which case they really can't cook for themselves and others, so we would never expect our parent to cook. it sounds like your mother does not have dementia, though, so it is not a case of her being unable to cook or care for herself. while my mom was living alone she resorted to frozen dinners all of the time because she said she was done with cooking. eventually when she couldn't even handle that any more due to dementia i would cook meals and bring them to her. if she lived with me (which she never did, thankfully we had other options because i could never survive that!) i would have been fine with cooking for her as i'm already cooking for myself, and i would have been thrilled if she cleaned up afterward--i LOATHE cleaning! all of that said, my mom is a true narcissist (diagnosed, not just 'throwing that word around' as the more insensitive here like to say) and living with her would have been a total nightmare, and i too would be complaining about lots of little things as you are, when the real problem is your history and the fact that she's living with you at all. you say when you bring the issue up you can't have a normal conversation, and i definitely relate to that, my mom always gets extremely defensive and gaslights if you ever try to complain to her about anything she's done. it's impossible. THAT part could be narcissism, but i'm not sure the refusal to cook is.

I am 69 and living with chronic Hodgkin's lymphoma, diabetes, IBS and thyroid disease. I live alone. I stopped cooking about a year ago because it just wore me out. I got a cheap kitchen stool, which helped some. I now buy good deli sliced turkey and ultra thin bread. Balanced with fruit and fresh vegetables, that's breakfast lunch and dinner. Fast, nutritious and easy cleanup.

I'd laugh about it with her and find another way to have her contribute -- cleaning, help with home schooling, doing the laundry, yard work--or something she might suggest?

It sounds as though your difficult mother has found something to make a stand about, and she may be relishing it. Yes it is controlling, unless you know already that she is a terrible cook, always gets it wrong, can’t time 2 saucepans at once, etc. If she’s that bad, she wouldn’t be welcome in my own kitchen!

Whichever it is, while you wait for her to come to the top of the list on senior housing, you need some rules and some boundaries. If she has offered to clean up after meals, there is no need for all the rest of you to ‘pitch in’ to help. Let that be one of the things she does. If she will pay for take-out at least once a week, let her do it and choose her own meal (for all of six of you), as well as clean it up. If you think the rent is not enough, do some sums and make it a fair amount. Include the cost of utilities as well as whatever work you do to look after the areas she (unfortunately) shares. If getting senior housing is going to require a bond, put up the rent enough to save in a separate account for her bond.

If you simply have to wait this out, make the rules and the boundaries enough to let you feel that you are at least getting a fair deal. If you need to, buy a freezer with enough space for you to cook in bulk. It really does help! In the meantime, you do have my sympathy for being your current lack of alternatives. Best wishes, Margaret

I have similar issues with my parent who is 77 years old. I am also a homeschooling Mom and sometimes it all gets to be too much as far as cooking, chores, schooling, errands and having to deal with the emotional outbursts from my elderly parent. Thankfully my parent can still cook but he prefers to eat out.
What your parent has does sound like narcissism but only you know your parent best. Maybe it could also be depression. I have to deal with my Elderly parent's mood swings which goes from happy to angry and back all in one day. Other times he is mostly okay but when he is negative he stays that way and nothing I say will change that. Maybe if you are able to sit down and talk to her when she is in a good mood about what you need her to do for herself, that would help you out with your daily responsibilities.

This is what happens when we don't get the full story we go with what you have told us.

With your history with Mom, you should never have taken her in. And feel lucky that she pays you rent. There are those who can't get a penny out of a parent living with them.

So the cooking really isn't all of it. In my area there are HUD apts. They go by income and require 30% of monthly income. Heat is included and electric is only a certain amt a month. There are resources out there Mom could take advantage of. Get her name into these low income apts. Its usually the "good hearted" child the parent is sure will do for them and will take advantage of the child.

You set boundries for you and you stick by them. Moms boundary is she won't cook. But she will clean up. I make a mess in the kitchen. Would love for someone to clean up. Everyone can walk their dishes to the sink area. Push in their chairs and leave. Let Mom clean up and this includes sweeping the floor. Leftovers put away. Dishes put away after washing. Mom should be cleaning her room. Doing her laundry. If she has no car, using a Senior bus service to get to appts and shop.

Just because you didn’t like what some people had to say, doesn’t mean they’re ganging on you. Asking a question like this means anyone is able to reply, and some of them may be uncomfortable.

Anyway… as others have said, deep down you likely resent having Mom there for a second round. Or resent that she did not plan for the future and just assumed you would take care of her instead.

Mom refusing to cook dinner isn’t the problem. Your feelings about Mom and her living with you again are the problem.

It sounds like Mom has ‘retired’, in that she’s decided these are her golden years and it’s time for her to act like a retiree. An attitude of “I’m old so I deserve to be cared for.” If she is physically and mentally able to do everyday things and drive, there’s no reason for her to live each day as if she is too infirm to do so.

72 is not terribly old. She could live another 20 years. Can you handle that? Can your family handle that?

Lastly, you mentioned that you’re homeschooling. There’s a misconception that homeschooling parents have more time during the day or can set whatever schedule they want. Which is seldom the case! Does your mom see how much homeschooling takes up your time and efforts?

No, it doesn't sound like narcissism, it sounds like a person who hates to cook and won't pretend otherwise.

One of my aunts was like that. She wasn't interested, she had better things to do with her time, and left to her own devices she lived on... do you know, I can't remember *any* dishes she preferred. I do remember her making faces because there was Port Salut cheese in my mother's fridge and she thought it too smelly (it's barely more strong-smelling than its plastic packaging). Anyway: food, not interested.

The other aunt was pretty good at mass catering, buffets, family get-togethers and so on, but as a Coeliac couldn't enjoy a very varied diet.

My mother beat herself up about it, as she did about gardening for that matter, and felt that she wouldn't go to heaven unless she could force herself to enjoy cooking for her family.

But back to your MIL. Okay, she doesn't have to wield a saucepan if that's not her thing, but 2 x weekly it is her turn to feed the five of you. If that's take-out or microwave dinners or shop-bought sandwiches so be it, but it IS her turn. (Personally, if it were me, I'd allocate her those evenings when I'm likely to be out).

Don't get punitive about it. It'll only make you feel worse about the issue.

To add to this post, I noticed many comments are terribly unwarranted and extremely judgmental and rude. I could have gone on to explain how my mother has gaslighted me my entire life, how I couldn’t wait to move out of my home with her when younger because she didn’t give me space or have boundaries, has a sense of entitlement, and now faced with this terribly difficult situation in which I’m backed into a corner. BUT because I have a huge heart, I have taken her into my home or else she’d be living in her car. I have to put up major boundaries or else she will cross all of them. Some people hit the nail on the head, where it’s probably not even about the cooking. There are deeply
rooted issues that I don’t even know how to get over. I could go on and on but I didn’t want to turn this into a bash-fest. That’s not my intention. I was seeking opinions because there is no guide book to follow with all of this. Everyone I have spoken to said they could never live with their mothers. And, to those who say she’s not my child…well, it feels as if she is! It has felt that way for many years when she can’t manage her own finances when we have repeatedly tried to help her. I have no support because I know no one else in this situation. I come here, big mistake! There have only been a couple compassionate comments and I am truly grateful for those who can see through the difficulty and challenges this situation brings to people who are in it.

Here’s an idea. Every weekend mom pays for pizza or pad Thai or curry as her treat.

How did you provide meals for your family before mom moved in?

My mother lives with us and also does not cook since she moved in 6 years ago. Very annoying, before she had dementia. She'd brag to her friends about not cooking and I wanted to smack her. I thought it was somewhat easier just to let it go but in hindsight I wish I'd put my foot down and "made" her provide dinner a couple of nights a week. But if your mom doesn't want to cook and told you that upfront, I think you need to find a way to deal with that and stop wasting your energy being angry about it.

I would keep including her in your meals. If not, I think it would be terribly awkward.

I love to cook and would be happy to have someone willing to clear up after dinner.

That's actually the deal when we have long term guests, I cook, you clean.

You say she does nothing all day, does that mean she isn't taking care of her own laundry and cleaning? Does she help with the common areas that she uses?

Maybe it's time for a schedule of her responsibilities in the home.

Paying rent doesn't get you a servant in my home. Everyone contributes to the upkeep of the house and yard, if not, bye-bye now.

You have taken responsibility for your mom and you obviously resent having to open your home because she failed to plan or wasn't able to. Perhaps stepping back from owning her responsibilities and making her look at what options she has will help you feel less responsible for her, because you're not. She could live a loooong time and you don't want this to be your home environment, it's unhealthy for all of you.

I am capable of cooking, but I don't like to. I'd choose to wash up any day too!

I also never want to mess with my daughter's kitchen.
I'd never cook for my SILs as I'd be corrected at every turn.
Or my MIL, as I know (as your Mother may well) that each Castle has only One Queen.

Now short term 'guests' in your home may cook a meal to 'pay' for their stay. But Mother is a 'tennant' & pays her rent.

Her boundary is cooking. She said it from the start.
For the sake of your relationship, I'd honor her boundary.

I've found when people continue to try to knock down my boundaries on clearly stated issues, I put up greater walls. Over time, if they persist, the walls thicken & degrade the relationship.

Not all family can live together. I'd keep looking out for the next abode for Mom.

Peace2019, I also hate to cook.... hate it with a passion. Everything was like a science project that went terribly wrong. Oh, I struggled with it, but it was so very stressful.

Narcissism? Nope, just from the tone of your post, sounds like your Mom could be afraid to touch anything in your house. Food for thought.