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Imho, do not engage in acrimony.
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I had a similar situation with my sisters when my mom died 6 years ago. The most important advice I can give you is to let it go as soon as possible. You do not own their drama, their relationship with each other or their relationship with your mom. I allowed my sister's drama to define my Mom's death. Their drama, their inability to try to understand each other and to try to forgive each other complicated my grieving process as well as their own. It was in my thoughts for years and was an expenditure of my precious time and energy. It's not worth it! Rise above it!
Focus on the relationship you had with your mom and cherish the good memories of her. If you've planned a funeral or service follow through with it - it will provide closure. Your sisters are adults - they can be there or not - its up to them.
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Do what you usually do and refuse to be in the middle. I am a middle that made peace for 56 years. I know your pain. Focus on saying goodbye to your Mother. Tell both sides you love them and cherish the good times you share. Understand their feelings, but do not give advice or try to talk them into anything. Let each one make her own decision. It is not your load to carry. I am sorry for your loss.
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Dearest Hopeful4me, I have walked in your shoes. Your sisters will be at the funeral. They are just playing another on of their head games. As for you, after the funeral, consider yourself, "Family Free!" Shut that door! A window of opportunity awaits you. Keep your faith. Chin up, head high, smile as big as the sky. The best is yet to come! I'm in your corner. I'm on your side. My thoughts will be upon you. My prayer of peace goes out to you.
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First of all, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. As far as your sisters go, DON'T let them drag you into their craziness. Their (sad) hatred for one another has nothing to do with you. You do what is best for you and leave your sisters be. It is their petty loss. Find support in your friends and other family members. With Covid, if I'm correct, only 10 people can attend a funeral. Take someone with you to support you and leave your dualing sisters where they are. Again, my condolences to you.
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Good, you be the Good daughter then....don't worry if they don't come, it is on them, not you. This will cause you less stress....as they would probably cause a scene between each other. I am sure you will have other relatives and friends visiting the wake and funeral than you will ever need. Forget the two bickering sisters, you just be where you've gotta be..
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So sorry to hear about your Mother passing. Also, sorry to hear about your sisters fighting. Death brings out the worst in people, especially siblings for some reason.
First piece of advice: Quit being the go between. I have learned the hard way, just dealing with my adult children, who seem to always have one issue or another with each other. Every time I try to smooth things over, so my children will come and enjoy a holiday together, it always back fires. They even blackmailed my husband and I (like your sisters in a way - "we won't come if the other is there or she can't stay in the house"). One adult child said they wouldn't be coming over with their family and our grandchildren unless we told the other child to watch her kids at all times, and we as Grandparents couldn't play or hug the other kids while they were there. Childish behavior - just like your sisters.
Second: Lay down the law. Once we decided we wouldn't be the buffer anymore between the 3 siblings, we stated our views and made tough decisions.
We tell them now when and what times we will be doing different holidays, vacations or get togethers. We tell them they are all invited and we would love to see them all. However, we will not tolerate disrespect and rudeness in our home. If they choose to come we are glad, if they choose not to come, we let them know maybe next time. This was hard due to the grandkids as you can imagine. But we had to stick to our guns or always have this pettiness going back and forth and affecting the poor innocent cousins who love each other and always want to play with each other.
Third: Keep communication open with each of them, however, limited discussions about your family and their family. Try to avoid bringing in any discussions about the other families. Sometimes even uplifting or accomplishments about the other family breeds resentment.
Lastly, hold unto pleasant memories of your Mom and be glad she does not have to listen and see the childish behavior of her adult children. You can not force an adult to behave. You can point out to each of them how disrespectful this is to the memory of your Mom. That this is not the time for their mental abuse of each other or you. You would love that you could see all of them at this time and share your Mother's death and your grief together. However, we all make choices and have to live with those choices. Maybe they will change their mind and remember that it's about your Mom and not them for a change. Selfish people think about themselves and how things affect them and don't care about others. Say your peace and let it be.
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When you talk with either of them, nip it in the bud if they decide to talk about other sibling. Tell them NO MORE. If they can't say something nice, do not mention the other sibling. And if either of them tries to continue, tell them you have something to attend to and hang up. You end it. If you are consistent with that reply, they will get the message.

If both of them are so childish as to miss their mother's funeral to make a point to each other, so be it. Their loss. You can't fix that for them. The sister that is going to talk w/her husband to determine if they will attend - they already know the other sister is not attending, right? Sounds like one or both of them trying to get you to take a side. Like I said, don't play their games and if they don't attend, it's their loss. And it is very stupid and childish on their part.

For any other info that you need to share with them, send a group text or email that include their names and your own. Share the info. If they argue on the msg with each other, it's between them. Don't play the game that both of them want you to play. You have evidently played peacemaker for a long time. Give yourself a break and handle things the best you can. No one can ask more than that.
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Tell them, "your spat is not my problem. I am going to see that my mom is buried and mourned and you do what you have to do. You are the ones that will have to live with the consequences." My prayers are with you.
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I'm sorry for your loss. My mother passed away in January. I learned a long time ago (after much anguish and heartbreak) that it was a waste of energy and emotional trauma to try to persuade anyone to attend family events to honor my mother (birthday parties, Christmas gatherings, etc). I called it "begging someone to have a good time". By the time my mother passed, I had decided to announce the funeral date and let it go. I didn't ask any family member to help with arrangements because I didn't want to hear any excuses why they wouldn't help. Instead, I asked a close friend to help with a specific task and she responded with an unconditional yes. Church members stepped in without being asked and filled in everything else. The day of the funeral was as untraumatic as possible. I didn't have any expectations of help from family. Family members did attend, more than I had imagined. As for the ones who did not attend (including the oldest granddaughter), I never asked them why or expected an explanation. The oldest granddaughter later stated that she regretted not attending. Well, I'm trying to say that you can go ahead and plan your mother's funeral and attend it on your own, without your sisters, and it will be all right. You will be all right. Your sisters must make their own decisions, and they will have to live with their own decisions. When I stopped trying to pull and push people to attend events for my mother when she was still alive, I felt a great rush of relief. By the time of her funeral, I was able to go through the experience without worrying what other family members were doing. I was surrounded by loving people who were there simply to honor my mother and to support me. I know it's difficult, but you can get through this. You take care of you. You will be all right.
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disgustedtoo Jul 2020
"When I stopped trying to pull and push people to attend events for my mother when she was still alive, I felt a great rush of relief."

Takes a load of in some respect, and I no longer had to waste my time trying to chase my brother down (text messages - seriously, you can't just say Yes or No in response?) Relief? A bit, but mainly because it freed up my time and space in my head thinking about it! It still irked me that they aren't visiting with her. Up until the lock down, I was the only one of three to visit her in MC.

OB isn't local, but I also no longer talk to him and he isn't welcome anywhere near me, ever (abuse in childhood is one thing, from a grown-ass man? Nope. Done.) Even if he was, I doubt he would be visiting. His last trip up, over 2 years ago, to help get the condo set, he went once and refused to go again, saying he "didn't know what to do with her."

YB wouldn't respond to inquiries about upcoming 'special' meals, and other special days. Several would have to be sent, over time, not like I pestered him 50 times/day! It got so bad that one time he asked if he could still go the morning of the 'special' day! Eventually I just stopped asking.

Funny thing is, mom used to occasionally ask me if I'd heard from one or the other of them. I would give some vague answer, something to satisfy her. Eventually she stopped asking. Hmmm.... Out of sight, out of mind? She still knew who I was, although she is/was living about 40 years ago. Hopefully she hasn't forgotten me during this lock down! She has really bad hearing, so no phone. No window access (faces interior garden.) Any other method wouldn't work because of her hearing and dementia. They have recently started outdoor visits, but you have to stay 6' away, so she won't be able to hear me!
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This is a terrible situation that your sisters have put you in. Trust Me - you are stronger than you think. You can handle this. They have their families to support and comfort them. You are handling your grief on your own. With a very long drive to make, Nothing should be on your mind but being with your mother at the funeral. Keep the house open to whoever wants to stay there As Long As You Stay There. No one can force you out. Let them sleep on the sidewalk if they want. For a sister to say F**k You At A Time Like This Is Unacceptable. I don't care how they are handling their grief and she may have said that out of grief but it is Still Unacceptable. Do you have a good close friend who would be willing to come with you? At any rate, make the trip, take your time, be safe and just be there at the funeral For Yourself and For Your Mother. Take Care Of Yourself. They will do what they want to do, it is out of your control and you should not have to deal with the drama. You have my deepest sympathy and I wish you well and only the best.
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First, condolences. The passing of this significant person, a mother, is like no other...and while everyone grieves in their own way, anger actually IS one of the stages of grief. So let the sisters be angry. Whatever stage of grief you are in, let it play out as well. Don’t try to control them, you can only control yourself. And although you say you are “alone”, none of us are truly alone in this kind of darkest hour, so tap into your good friends and ask One or more of them for their help. Ask them to attend your mother’s funeral, not for her, for you. You deserve the support. As a will or trust may also bring out the “best” or “worst” in siblings, get a good attorney and pay them to take the heat. Stay out of it. It’s well worth the peace of mind. No more damage needs to be done at this trying time. Being as you can’t unring a bell, things said while under duress can do a lot of damage to an already fragile dynamic. Let the sisters calm down and grieve. You also need to work though it. Funerals are for the living. If one of the sisters refuses to go, she will have to make it up later if she wants to come through the grief process whole again. I wish all of you siblings luck in finding your own peace.
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if your sister are so petty as to not go to there moms funeral. they are the ones who are losing out. they are the ones who are being so selfish to your mom. they are the ones who will regret it in the future. that they did not help your mom and now won't go to her funeral. you did your best in talking to them now it is on them. i am sorry for your mom passing away. at least she had one daughter with respect for her mom. you are a good daughter.
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Emotions run high during a death; it is far easier to be angry than to cry. Anger is also a stage of grieving.

When mom died I opted for a simple cremation, no ceremony. When a person dies, that's it. They are gone.

Mom's ashes are in a beautiful wooden cigar box and kept in an antique cabinet at home.

The best thing to do for your mom is carry on and go on living. That's what she would want.
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My deepest condolences for the loss of your mother. It's very sad that your two sisters can't come together as a family to honor the memory of your mother. It's really very selfish because this is not about them. They both should be thinking about what their mother would want them to do at this time. Sounds like you've done all you can to keep the peace. Are there any other family members or close friends that you can call on for support? Maybe they will come to their senses and behave accordingly. They will regret not attending the funeral. Take care of yourself.
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There is very little you can do if you want to stay out of the drama. When something similar happened to me I went to the funeral with a friend, arrived just in the nick of time, sat in the back of the church and left as soon as the service was over. It eliminated any opportunity to start a fight. Hopefully you can do something similar
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Mysteryshopper Jul 2020
I think this is perfect. I did this very thing a few years back. A former partner of my current significant other was present and I had no way to predict her reaction to seeing me. My fear was that she would do something and we would both end up somehow looking bad. We can't control others - only ourselves. And, not giving others the chance to cause a scene is actually a way of being loving towards them from afar. It's a very real risk that even though I would never call someone out at a funeral, it doesn't mean someone else won't try it when emotions are raw.
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I had the same issues with my older brother and younger sister, whom did not inform me of my mothers decline until it was too late. Its a long story. This is the best advice I can give you. Just do YOU, don't worry about their decisions. You can only control yourself and your own reactions. Don't get in the middle and if they call and make you upset, tell them you will respect any decision they make and just hang up politely. This is normal I see it all the time. Just go to your moms funeral and be at peace. Don't worry about them and their families for now. They will drag you down and into this at any cost. Just be calm and say I respect your decision and thank you for the information.
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# 1 It sounds as if the younger sister is very immature. Leave her alone. If she does decide to come let her know her dramatics will not be tolerated. Just talk with your other sister and explain how family needs to come together and help each other in this trying time. I am sure she will come around.

# 2 You are not alone. Take comfort in Christ. You are in my morning prayers.

I must depend upon the Holy Spirit to guide me how to maintain a loving relationship with others while purging myself of toxic folks so they do not create unnecessary drama and chaos in my life.
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First of all my condolences to your mother's passing. As they old saying goes" you cant make everyone happy". The only happiness you should be responsible for is yours. Your sisters threatening to not attend your moms funeral will be a decision they will regret for the rest of their lives. But that's their decision. Why have them bring negativity to an event that should be focused on your mother. Your not their therapist. ( sounds like they need one) Many funerals are now being streamed to family members by ZOOM or Facebook. Let them utilize that option.
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I’m sorry to hear this. But I understand your pain. All you can do is be the strong one that you are. Attend the funeral of course. But if your sisters have all this drama. Let them have it. Stay true to yourself and your heart. Obviously there was drama before your moms passing. They have to grow up and deal with themselves. May your mom Rest In Peace
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I am so sorry about your lost and hope that in the end you will have the opportunity to bid fairwell to your mother with dignity and honor. Disfuntional relationships are a part of most family in our society, you are not alone! If in your heart you belive that you are not the cause or reason for your sisters problem the you must look ahead and focus on this unique moment of live. In the end time will be the best master in sorting out your sister trouble. May God bless you and your family in this time of need.
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Hopeful4me, great big warm hug!

I am so sorry for your loss and that your sisters can't just stop their nonsense for 1 day.

May God give you strength and wisdom during this difficult time. May HE give you peace and grieving mercies to hold you up during this time.
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Hopeful,
Sorry for the loss of your mother, Sending my thoughts and prayers to you during this most difficult time. You can private message me anytime for support.
You have enough to deal with. Emotions are high during a death of a parent. Do not get involved with your sisters squabbles, it is their relationship. Let them do what they want about the funeral. Very sad they can't set aside their feelings for the sake of your dear mother, how selfish and cruel. You have every right to have your sister stay with you. The other sister sounds quite controlling, let her be. Plan your mother's funeral and stay away from negative energy. It is really their problem to begin with. You can't fix them. Personal hardships sometimes bring out the best or the worst in a person. You are the strong and compassionate one, your mother would be proud. Stay focused on what needs to be done. Remember you are never alone, God is not far away. Hugs to you!!
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Don’t let anyone take one moment of this time from you. And don’t give them one moment. So no more go - betweening as the peacemaker. This time after your mums death is all about you and her so don’t get distracted. They’re adults. They’ll figure it out one way or another. Take a deep breath and let everything else fade into the background so you can honour your mum, cry, remember. Take care,
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If your sisters have all of the information on the funeral, then you could simply not answer your phone. Sometimes the parent is the only link holding siblings together. Once your grief eases, you can decide if and how you want your sisters in your life.
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So sorry for your loss.
My two cents: Deaths tend to accentuate family dynamics to an acute level. And shift things in a momentous way for the future depending on how we relate to the events. Many times, people who use another's death to try to get attention for themselves and their own negativity are cementing a path in their own lives which will continue to play out over the years, so you may see your sisters become even more embittered beyond this event. In which case it's wise to begin to distance yourself and get on with your life without them in it. Your sisters could choose to use this as an opportunity to heal, but they seem terrified, clinging to old familiar ways of being - which are, unfortunately, corrosive. In the aftermath, there will be consequences for the ones who chose to behave in ways that were other than uplifting towards the the legacy and memory of the one who passed on. You are on the right path. They need counseling and support to see their selfish inability to embrace in an emotionally mature way, the loss of their mother.
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When you are involved in a triangle relationship it is hard to stay above the fray. Sadly in a triangle we all have are roles. What role are you? The peacemaker. The balance that won’t tip the scales. The person who listens to the garbage drama. Start having linear relationships with your sisters. Decide once and for all not to get involved the triangle. It is hard, I know.But, when you make a change they might get the message that you really are above the fray. Their drama might be normal for sisters but it is not healthy for you especially at this time. Your chances of changing your sisters attitudes is low, even if you feel they are selfish boobs, especially if the drama has been going on for twenty years. Repeat the sentence - Your chances of changing your sisters attitude is low, since the drama has been going on twenty years. Get yourself mentally and maybe physically out of the triangle. Simple is not always easy.
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naddahap Jul 2020
Our roles, not are roles. No way to edit bad grammar once I hit that button.
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Unfortunately something sounds very wrong with your sisters’ relationship with each other and they are only hurting themselves and not each other by refusing to go to the funeral. They will never be able to undo not attending and may regret their decision later. Luckily your mother in heaven knows the truth and I hope you can go and honor your mothers life for your own self. Don’t try to fix your sisters. They have to want that for themselves.
I’m so sorry you are going thru this but stay strong, insulate yourself and be with your mother for yourself. May God bless and give you comfort. Just went thru the death of my mom last March. Couldn’t go to her burial as Covid had just hit. Very sad. But Mom knows I loved her. The ceremony is for the living. Sorry your sisters might miss that. Mary
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Unfortunately something sounds very wrong with your sisters’ relationship with each other and they are only hurting themselves and not each other by refusing to go to the funeral. They will never be able to undo not attending and may regret their decision later. Luckily your mother in heaven knows the truth and I hope you can go and honor your mothers life for your own self. Don’t try to fix your sisters. They have to want that for themselves.
I’m so sorry you are going thru this but stay strong, insulate yourself and be with your mother for yourself. May God bless and give you comfort. Just went thru the death of my mom last March. Couldn’t go to her burial as Covid had just hit. Very sad. But Mom knows I loved her. The ceremony is for the living. Sorry your sisters might miss that. Mary
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Their behavior speaks to who they choose to be. Your behavior is a reflection of you. You do you and allow them the time they need to reconnect with you. If they can not get their act together at this crucial time, it is NO reflection on. you.
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