I am the middle child and get along well with most everyone including my two sisters. However they hate each other and are constantly making snide remarks to me about each other. I stay out of it and don't comment. Both are married with families. I am single. I am grieving my mother passing and will be driving 9 hours to the funeral on Monday. My older sister and her family will stay with me in my mother's house to give me some company. I have also been the go between giving the older sister important information on my mother's declining health and also the funeral arrangements. I felt that it was important as my mother's child also that she stayed informed. The younger sister doesn't want the older sister to stay in our mother's house and told me that she would fight with her on this. She then said that I was taking sides when I said why and said F*ck you too and hung up on me. She then sent me a text saying that she would not be attending our mother's funeral. The older sister also said the she and her husband would talk about it and may not attend either because they refuse to get involved in the drama. I am more than stressed out and very anxious. I will be attending alone and I am alone.
When mom died I opted for a simple cremation, no ceremony. When a person dies, that's it. They are gone.
Mom's ashes are in a beautiful wooden cigar box and kept in an antique cabinet at home.
The best thing to do for your mom is carry on and go on living. That's what she would want.
Takes a load of in some respect, and I no longer had to waste my time trying to chase my brother down (text messages - seriously, you can't just say Yes or No in response?) Relief? A bit, but mainly because it freed up my time and space in my head thinking about it! It still irked me that they aren't visiting with her. Up until the lock down, I was the only one of three to visit her in MC.
OB isn't local, but I also no longer talk to him and he isn't welcome anywhere near me, ever (abuse in childhood is one thing, from a grown-ass man? Nope. Done.) Even if he was, I doubt he would be visiting. His last trip up, over 2 years ago, to help get the condo set, he went once and refused to go again, saying he "didn't know what to do with her."
YB wouldn't respond to inquiries about upcoming 'special' meals, and other special days. Several would have to be sent, over time, not like I pestered him 50 times/day! It got so bad that one time he asked if he could still go the morning of the 'special' day! Eventually I just stopped asking.
Funny thing is, mom used to occasionally ask me if I'd heard from one or the other of them. I would give some vague answer, something to satisfy her. Eventually she stopped asking. Hmmm.... Out of sight, out of mind? She still knew who I was, although she is/was living about 40 years ago. Hopefully she hasn't forgotten me during this lock down! She has really bad hearing, so no phone. No window access (faces interior garden.) Any other method wouldn't work because of her hearing and dementia. They have recently started outdoor visits, but you have to stay 6' away, so she won't be able to hear me!
If both of them are so childish as to miss their mother's funeral to make a point to each other, so be it. Their loss. You can't fix that for them. The sister that is going to talk w/her husband to determine if they will attend - they already know the other sister is not attending, right? Sounds like one or both of them trying to get you to take a side. Like I said, don't play their games and if they don't attend, it's their loss. And it is very stupid and childish on their part.
For any other info that you need to share with them, send a group text or email that include their names and your own. Share the info. If they argue on the msg with each other, it's between them. Don't play the game that both of them want you to play. You have evidently played peacemaker for a long time. Give yourself a break and handle things the best you can. No one can ask more than that.
First piece of advice: Quit being the go between. I have learned the hard way, just dealing with my adult children, who seem to always have one issue or another with each other. Every time I try to smooth things over, so my children will come and enjoy a holiday together, it always back fires. They even blackmailed my husband and I (like your sisters in a way - "we won't come if the other is there or she can't stay in the house"). One adult child said they wouldn't be coming over with their family and our grandchildren unless we told the other child to watch her kids at all times, and we as Grandparents couldn't play or hug the other kids while they were there. Childish behavior - just like your sisters.
Second: Lay down the law. Once we decided we wouldn't be the buffer anymore between the 3 siblings, we stated our views and made tough decisions.
We tell them now when and what times we will be doing different holidays, vacations or get togethers. We tell them they are all invited and we would love to see them all. However, we will not tolerate disrespect and rudeness in our home. If they choose to come we are glad, if they choose not to come, we let them know maybe next time. This was hard due to the grandkids as you can imagine. But we had to stick to our guns or always have this pettiness going back and forth and affecting the poor innocent cousins who love each other and always want to play with each other.
Third: Keep communication open with each of them, however, limited discussions about your family and their family. Try to avoid bringing in any discussions about the other families. Sometimes even uplifting or accomplishments about the other family breeds resentment.
Lastly, hold unto pleasant memories of your Mom and be glad she does not have to listen and see the childish behavior of her adult children. You can not force an adult to behave. You can point out to each of them how disrespectful this is to the memory of your Mom. That this is not the time for their mental abuse of each other or you. You would love that you could see all of them at this time and share your Mother's death and your grief together. However, we all make choices and have to live with those choices. Maybe they will change their mind and remember that it's about your Mom and not them for a change. Selfish people think about themselves and how things affect them and don't care about others. Say your peace and let it be.
Focus on the relationship you had with your mom and cherish the good memories of her. If you've planned a funeral or service follow through with it - it will provide closure. Your sisters are adults - they can be there or not - its up to them.
2. Once a loved one dies, as emotionally devastating as it ican be, there is no emergency. Your sisters yelling in your ear maybe putting you in emergency mode, but keep reminding yourself that nothing here is an emergency.
3. It sounds like the triangulation with your sisters is an old family dynamic. With the death of a central figure of a family, like a mother, comes the opportunity to change unhealthy dynamics. Beyond repeating to both of them things like, "I love you both and cannot listen to you speaking ill of the other," "I don't know, you'll have to ask her," and "I don't think this conversation is going to help solve anything. I love you, and will talk to you later," please consider seeking supporti in understanding and changing your role in this triangle. You might need that for a little while as you navigate both your grief and this harmful, unfair situation with your sisters.
Good luck, and take good care of yourself.
I think when you're/have been a caregiver, you get so used to bouncing from one emergency to the next that you start to think anything that causes anyone some stress is an emergency that has to be handled right away. (I believe the old expression is "bouncing between pillar and post"?)
Hope, I offer you my deepest condolences on the loss of your mom, and also on the selfishness of your sisters, especially as you are probably feeling very alone right now and could really use some family support. I sincerely hope you have some other supportive people in your life whose shoulders will take the place of your sisters' to cry on.
Sending you warmest (((hugs)))
You have no control over either of your sisters.....they have control of themselves and they alone will decide how they will treat you, your deceased mother and each other. You are not responsible for their actions. They are responsible for their own actions.
Personally, I would get on with my life because I own my life and I decide what I will do with that life. Naturally this is a trying time for you and you, too, have to get used to the sad fact that your Mother is no longer here. How would your Mother have wanted you to act toward your two sisters? You could try “to act” as your Mother would have wished but that is totally up to you.
Your two sisters dislike/hate each other.....not your problem it is their problem - and the problem is between your two sisters. Don’t place yourself in the middle....stand alone. Standing alone is something that you have done probably most of your life. Each life is different - one is not better or worse than the other - each life is unique.
Personally I would pull myself out of their equation and legally do the things that your Mother had asked you to do regarding your two sisters. If you do your best to fulfill your mother’s wishes you will have done the right thing and she would ‘thank you’ for it.
You can’t change your sisters, you can’t change other family member’s reactions. The only thing you have control over is YOURSELF. Love and respect yourself and move on...always going forward and only looking back occasionally at the relationship that you had with your Mother. I don’t know if it was a loving relationship or a relationship that was full of turmoil....either way keep moving forward in your own path. Allow your sisters to move along in their path and acknowledge that your paths may never meet again since your Mom is no longer here to act as a buffer. God Bless, Corvette2006
There are resources out there to help you such as Elder Options, depends on where you live. If a Veterans family seek out the Veterans administration, for a social worker someone who can heliport things out for you who is impartial.
As one of us said, do what you think your mother would want 'you' to do there is no emergency now. Just take care of yourself. Maybe one day you and your sisters will realize things and come together.
I had stepped back from some family members because of drama and hateful things but was contacted via Facebook by one cousin after 35 yrs and it's like nothing happened. Seek your higher power and have faith.
So sorry for your loss.
Remember your mom and do what she wanted.
They will have their own regrets and feelings they need to work through for themselves.
Unfortunately when family members die and there are belongs,money and other items peoples true personality comes to light. Just keep your head up and do the right thing by your mothers wishes especially if she had a will in place.
Tare care and God Bless. Sorry for your loss.
a wise Lama once said “In order to let something/an emotion go you must first own completely.” Own your stress and let it go.
Sending you love and light,
Sabrina
There is very little you can do ... other than to honor your mom and do what you believe is best ... your sisters will have to live with their choices.
if there are pictures from a time in life when all four of you were happy and together I might send them both that picture with a hope that you could all be together one more time to honor your mom.
If this is about who got before and who gets what now .... you might ask them for a truce ... so you all can all mourn the loss of Mom ... hopefully with some of the good memories Of the past..
The only advice I can give is talk with the friends that you have that you are close too, and try to think about yourself. It's a very hard time - take care of your needs first. Easier said than done - but try to avoid the negativity and don't take the bait by your sibling to rope you in or use you as a pawn.
What ever it is you do, push forward and try your best to get past this and I'm sure it will pass. Do what you humanly can do to bring the family together if they are willing to conform to your wishes. If you have a close friend or someone close to mom ask if they can be there with you during this time or at the funeral. People although are now concerned with the social distancing so be ready to tell them what's in place for that during this time. Your mom is resting and know that she is not hurting. Stay Strong and maybe one day you can really see what the problem is between the two sisters, Maybe suggest therapy for them. Sorry for your loss.
I was getting tired of the same old place that eveyone goes too. Seriously the last 7 funerals? :( I wanted something different and near the place I wanted to have lunch.
With all this drama... why do a "functional funeral"? I chipped my tooth over this. It was aweful... When my next loved one dies... I am NOT TELLING ANYONE, unless they ask. Yup.. Nobody call me for updates... Sop why the heck should I call when she dies?>>>> she has paid for the expenses 20 years ago..
My family, just is not worth typing about..........