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As I have posted before, my mom is in a nursing home and desperately depressed. At least for the moment, given the level of care she needs, there are no good alternatives to the NH, but she does not accept that and says that if I don't get her out of there she will stop eating and drinking so she can die. I don't really think she can go through with it since she has been threatening to do so for several months and has not missed more than one meal in a day, but I am having a hard time knowing how to respond to her. To be honest, if I were in her position, I would want to hasten the end as well. So, I just tell her I understand and that I hope she feels better. Every time we have one of those conversations though (which is happening more and more frequently), it absolutely tears me up inside.

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Me, call her bluff just like you would a child. "If you want to stop eating Mom, thats your decision. But, I will miss u."

I bet she is depressed but this is how it is. No one wants to live the end of their life in a NH. Are there activities she can join in on? Can you be there and take her to them. Maybe eventually she will go on her own.
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Stopping eating when one wishes not to live any more is an option being taken by more and more seniors. Time to discuss this with Mom's doctors so that anti depressants can be given a try. She may actually be ready to go. It is difficult for those of us who are not yet there to imagine such a thing, but my father discussed rationally and gently with me for several years the fact that he had had a wonderful life, felt very lucky, but was exhausted with it all and more than ready to go, that he longed only for the peace and sleep that lasts forever.
Your Mom will make daily decisions now about how much she wishes to eat. That is a basic human right. If she doesn't wish to eat or drink she shouldn't be forced to.
But do encourage her to seek advice and help of her doctor.
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Get her doctor involved and see about increasing her anti depressants. If hospice is warranted, get the doctor to write an order for an evaluation. It's pretty impossible to starve oneself to death, so I doubt she's being serious. I would listen to my mother threaten to kill herself all the time too during her lifetime, but most markedly during the last decade of her life. She would threaten to throw herself out the window, run out in traffic, or find a gun and shoot herself. She'd never threaten to starve herself b/c she loved food too much. She lived to 95 and did nothing at all to hasten her demise. It's hard to listen to these types of threats, I know. You can always tell her you'll call 911 the next time she threatens to kill herself and have her sent to the hospital for a psych evaluation, if you think that will nip this in the bud. But I'd call her doctor first and see about the anti depressants.

You can also tell her that this type of talk is hurtful to YOU, because you're trying your best to help her. It's not your fault she's old and sickly, either, so by speaking like this, she's adding to your stress and making YOU sick. Do you think appealing to her like that would help in any way?

Emotional blackmail such as what she's doing isn't fair to YOU, in spite of the fact that she's not happy in the SNF. What can you do to fix her situation? Nothing. You can try telling her that you empathize with her situation, but that you'll have to take a break from seeing her for a while if she insists on talking to you like this b/c it's causing YOU such distress. Put it back on her to stop the drama.

I'm sorry you are going thru this with mom, and sorry that she's so miserable with her situation right now. I sincerely hope the doctor can prescribe her something to take the edge off, because all this talk is toxic. Good luck.
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Cover999 Jul 2022
So dope her up into catatonia?
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The best you can do is be a sympathetic ear as you have been.

Life sometimes gives us lemons, and no amount of sugar can make lemonade.

That's the fact of aging and decline and I can totally understand her despair, but it isn't the NH she's not accepting -- it's her decline. She just thinks that going home will cure what ails her, but sadly, it won't.
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Beatty Jul 2022
"it isn't the NH she's not accepting -- it's her decline"

Very well said.

Besides the antiDs, is there access to talk therapy? If she was open to it, a Psychologist or Councillor experienced in life changes can help her to adjust & turn her thinking.

Also (or instead if she refuses above) add in physio. It's amazing how adding in exercise can lift the mood over time. PTs can also motivate, help set goals & refocus her on what she can still do.
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