Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I believe that FunkyGrandma59 has shared great insight with us concerning how to manage the guilt the daughter feels over her mother's depression and desire to die. It is very important for caregivers to make certain they participate in "self-care". Seeing a therapist or counselor on a short-term basis could be very helpful for the daughter. The sad reality, however, is that it is very difficult now for people to be accepted into a practice with a therapist or counselor due to the high number of people experiencing COVID + pandemic-related depression. Perhaps the daughter could look into getting support from a religious counselor (rabbi, priest etc. many of whom are actually trained counselors).
My own 94 year old mother is extremely depressed and frequently expresses the desire to die. I used to argue the point with her until I realized it left her in a more agitated stated. Now I try to give my mother more of an opportunity to express these feelings. When she says, "I want to die", I reply in a gentle way, "I know you do, Mom. You're having a hard time and you're so unhappy." Then I pause to give her a chance to respond to that. I have found that often, she primarily wants reassurance that I have heard her and that I understand what she is feeling. Once she feels "listened to", she is more willing to move on to other topics.
Please know that as a caregiver, you are not alone. There are many of us coping with very similar circumstances. This site is a great place to vent, discuss, and find possible solutions. Keep visiting. I, for one, will keep a look out for your posts and look forward to getting to know you through this site. Best wishes for a more peaceful time ahead.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Next time Mom tells you she wants to die, say that you don't, so she cannot say this to you again until she achieves a behavioral goal. Three days of not being combative to staff, say. Or attending an in-house social event. (Plenty of people with hearing loss enjoy these events.)

Until she does that, your conversations with her end with the "I wanna DIE" thing once you confirm she doesn't want to try that right now. In which case you get the NH home involved. Otherwise, it's "end of the conversation, don't bring it up until you do X thing."

To the extent she can moderate her behavior, I think she probably will. Which will be better for her. You too.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
AliBoBali Dec 2021
I found your answer here really interesting, PeggySue, since I'm studying behavior analysis in school right now. I think you're on the right track with withholding positive reinforcement for undesired behavior, but a better overall approach could be... providing preferred reinforcers/"good stuff" for alternative behaviors, aka praising/giving rewards for anything you want mom to do more. At this age/ability level, a punishment plan to reduce the combative/depressed behavior isn't likely to be effective and could make depression worse. Instead provide some extra fun things like favorite foods or activities for when mom engages in any way that is more socially appropriate. Just my $.02.

And, ultimately, I'm not sure any behavior intervention will help a 79-yo with depression and dementia, but it could help OP to have a better plan for how to approach her mom when mom displays this behavior. Psychiatric supports would be a first-line treatment, then OP can do a differential reinforcement plan to encourage an increase in mom's prosocial behaviors.
(7)
Report
Funkygrandma below is spot on. With your mom guilt tripping you, try something like, "I can't change the circumstances you're in but want to help you make the best of it: tell me what you think that would take and I'll do whatever is Within My Power." In other words, put the ball in Her Court: ask HER for suggestions. Our elders see nursing homes as 'end of the line' (my own mom remarked when we were on a little road trip and took a train ride that passed thru a tunnel, "I didn't like that little tunnel, It Makes Me Think of Something I Don't Want To Think About"...amazing, huh? it was kind of heartbreaking, but we all have to face our mortality sooner or later.) We grieve the loss of how our lives 'used to be'...it's up to each of us to find a way to 'make lemonade out of lemons.'
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

First I have to say that you are not responsible for your mothers happiness,(only your own)so quit trying. Some people as they age will never be happy(their choice)no matter how hard family members may try to make them.
You have to quit letting your mom make you feel guilty about this, as this is on her and not you. You cared for her as long as you possibly could and you should not allow her to make you feel bad for having to place her.
She's making the choice to not interact with the other folks at the facility. If she was really wanting things to be different she would at least try and get engaged with others there.
I would just make sure that she is on some type of antidepressant, and then just let her be, and ignore her negative texts. You can make it clear that as long as she is going to talk/text so negatively, that you just aren't going to participate until she can find something to be positive about.
With her now having dementia, she will only get worse, so you have to learn to live with the fact that your mom will never be the same.
Please take care of yourself and quit carrying around all this needless guilt.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

sending hugs!!
it sounds very tough.

and you lovingly cared for her 10 years in your home.

what do you think might help her in NH?
is there something she could look forward to, a nice event with you? special food? does she still smile/laugh sometimes?

you wrote:
"When she texts me she usually asks for me to let her die"

...by the way, actor john cleese talked about his mother (she lived in a NH).

...his mother often said she wanted to die.
her son managed to make her laugh...till age 101.

at some point, in her 90s, john cleese got tired of his mother always saying she wanted to die. so he offered to kill her to cheer her up.
:)

he said to her, he has a friend, and if she still felt the same way a week from now, he could, only if she would like, give him a call, and he could come down and kill her.

the mother was a bit surprised. and then burst out laughing.

---

hugs.
it's not easy.
i hope your mother, you, your whole family, can be happier!!

it's soon xmas. i hope your mother can look forward to that :) :).
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
JoanZP Dec 2021
Thank you for sharing the story about John Cleese. My mother (at 94) often expresses the desire to die. It is very difficult to respond in a way that is helpful to her yet emotionally comfortable for me. I think I'm going to start introducing more humor into our daily phone conversations, like Mr. Cleese did with his mother. I hope it might bring a bright spot to her day. Thanks again for this story.
(6)
Report
See 2 more replies
Is her depression being treated by a geriatric psychiatrist?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Can you introduce her to a companionship aide? Tell mom it's a friend. Someone who just pops in weekly, always peppy, making sure Mom's got what she wants from the store, maybe taking her down to park concerts or what have you?
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter