My mom has dementia, she doesn’t want to admit it. My husband and I are moving closer and our teen son is angry, calling us selfish. Am I?

It's kind of you to think of your mother, brother and sister, but it's a big deal for a teen to relocate in the middle of high school and to have to make new friends, get adjusted to the new school and location, etc. Since your mother has your brother and sister caring for her, perhaps you can postpone moving until your son graduates. Spend a week or two with your mother from time to time, to give your brother and sister breaks. Dementia can go on for a long time. Some people, like your mother, don't realize that they have dementia. You, your brother and sister should have a talk, preferably with your mother, about what she wants to do if she becomes incapacitated. Would she want in-home care, or to be in a senior facility? What can she afford? Be realistic about what you'll be able to do. Advanced dementia can require nursing home type care, where the person needs to be fed and helped with everything, may no longer be able to walk or even transfer by themselves from bed to wheel chair, and may be bedridden at the end. Also make sure that your mother's paperwork is all in order while she is able to sign legal papers. You don't say how serious her dementia is. She'll need to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial decisions, I'm assuming her POA will be your brother or sister, as they are currently living closer to her. She needs a living will, with her medical directives, a will if she has assets. Most financial insitutions (banks, credit card companies, etc.) have their own POA forms. The POA also needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on your mother's behalf. Your mother may need an attorney to help with these forms.

Depends on how bad the dementia is and if you could put the move off until son Graduates.

Whoa, whoa, whoa on the immediate move, please and a big exhilation. It is so wonderful that you care about your sibling and want to care for your Mom but please consider - Caregiving is a 26/8 job with a family to take care of you will probably burn out very quickly and then who will care for any of your children? You have indicated that you already have some issues with your marriage and if you are going into counseling, it sounds like you would like to save the union at this point.... will the problems be exacerbated with the move? How is your husband feeling about the move, about being married to a caregiver, about possibly becoming a caregiver himself? Your mother's dementia is going to worsen and this road could be long given her current age.

A move is difficult for all children although younger ones frequently bounce back a little more quickly than teenagers. I'm glad your son is in therapy but his issues are only subject to increase with this move. For some reason, he apparently is not particularly close to his grandmother already and this move will probably not teach him anything positive about caring for a family member. He is going to focus his anger on you and his grandmother. Not what you want.

Perhaps a family council with your brother and wife to research other ways you can help from a distance. - hiring in house caregivers and even better, since her condition is going to worsen.... placement in an assisted living with a MC unit so that she can move to that unit when it becomes necessary. If funds are an issue, you will need to find a facility that accepts Medicaid when the time arrives. Maybe you could volunteer to do the initial research after the finances and location to be considered are worked out.

Then another family meeting with your family including your kids to tell them that you will not be moving at this time but you will be participating in Grandmom's care from a distance. This will let your son graduate with his current friends (I do hope he has some plans lined up for his future after high school graduation because if he continues to be angry and just lives with you for the rest of his young adult life..........well that is not going to do anyone any good and that includes yourself and your younger children), allow you and your husband time to work on your issues and allow the younger children to develop to the point where they may be better able to learn the lesson of "family caring".

I wish you strength and peace on your journey whatever decision you make. This is a great forum so please keep us updated.

It might be good to have

DO NOT MOVE! - Your child comes first! Your mom already has people nearby and you can visit her whenever you want.

I have a big problem with your last remark: "He's such an angry guy anyway" - Maybe you should focus on the cause of his anger and find a way to give him more emotional support.

Honestly, it sounds to me like you're wanting the easy way out.

Your heart must be torn and it sounds like you’re in pain over your mother’s demise.

Your post offers information that needs tweezing apart to understand what’s really going on.

You say “our aging parents” which implies your parents and your in-laws. Are you and DH moving to help with more than mom? You mention your siblings care for your mom, but does your husband need to care for his parents?

If your siblings are taking care of your parents, do they need your physical presence to help mom? Or do feel left out? Are you lonely or unhappy and want all the mom time you can get?

If the siblings need help (or even if they don’t), can you go for a week at a time? Or contact the caregiver respite services that take in elderly to give caregiver breaks?

A move is a huge lifestyle change - jobs, friends, community, doctors, schools - so what’s really going on? You need your family support? You and husband want a fresh start?

Why is your son generally angry and shouldn’t that be your priority? Or do you see yourself enlisting the siblings to help “fix” him? Does he have the resiliency to make this move? Ideally yes and learning to deal with adversity builds resilience. But if he can’t, can you manage his anger and resentment and your guilt or anger at his attitude - plus your emotions with mom’s demise?

My gut sense is that more that you’re trying to fix something in your life other than the parents needing you and DH to be caregivers because there’s nothing in your post suggesting things are out of control.

Maybe if you figure out the real reason to want to move, you can see if it makes sense or if the upheaval to your son’s life is unreasonable. Then you can answer the question you posted.

On last thought: There’s an old adage “watch what you wish for” because caregiving is a longterm emotionally draining commitment.

NightHeron,

This is in response to your comment to me.

Yes, I believe everything that I've said was totally necessary. I did not say any if it with malicious intent or to try and be harsh to the poster.
Her teenage son did not create the tough situation the poster finds herself in. He is not the reason why his grandparents became elderly and needy. Nor is he responsible in any way for the toxic marriage his parents have created and choose to live in.
All this being said, I'll call a spade a spade and say it is selfish and unfair as all hell to make this kid pay the price for his parents' life choices. He should not have his whole life disrupted because his mother wants to be closer to her parents. It sounds to me like what mom really wants is a divorce from dad and will need a place to live. This is where the 'caregiving' for the elderly grandparents comes in.
Best to leave the kid with his father and not ruin his life in order to change her own. The kids come first, not the grandparents. That is the natural order of things.

I think you are making a big mistake to have your mother move in with you. She's going to need full time care either in home care or help in a good facility and I mean she will need help with bathing, dressing, and every little task around the clock. Her dementia is likely to worsen over time. I think your remark about your son being such an angry guy is just terrible, and it sounds like he should be getting more emotional support from you than you're giving him. I would NOT move your mother into your home at all. Plus, your son deserves to grow in a healthy environment and have his own life with friends and activities outside of your home.

Having raised four children to adulthood and moving multiple times, I can say with certainty that I wouldn’t move a kid in high school. It’s a cruel time and age to uproot them. And your children take priority until they’re grown

alli have to say is, your parents took care of and raised you; now when they need you it is your turn to return the love and care that they gave you. Your son will adjust; kids will adjust, they will make new friends, and girlfriends in his case. Think about your mother and give her the care she needs. I took care of my mother fro 9 1/2 years my childern adjusted and gew closer to family and their grandmother. You will not regret it when her time comes to go be with the lord you will feel that you have grown even closer to your mother and father, and you will be happy you did.

No. This is the perfect opportunity to teach an immature human how to be less selfish themselves. I grew up a military brat. We moved all the time. Were my parents selfish? No. They were supporting our family and this country. Ask him if that's what he intends to do when you are the one that needs help? Grown ups sometimes have to do things they hate to do. That's maturity.

I think in this case two things: First of all, given you son is younger than your mother and is situated in his high school, it is critically important that you stay where you are and allow him to finish his school. Forcing him to move could provide problems down the road you can't see yet. Do not do it. DO NOT MOVE. He has to come first. Second, I know you love your mother but she has dementia which will only get worse and the day will come, if not already, where having her very close will have a terrible negative impact on YOU and your son and your family. And the dementia will get worse. I suggest the following options. Find a suitable caretaker for her and visit and check on her. Two find her a place close to you BUT NOT IN YOUR HOME - she has dementia so DO NOT DO THAT - or, third, place her in a facility where she is cared for. Your son comes first, then you, then your mother. Don't screw around with this. Please listen to what I tell you - I am experienced in all of this.

Is it possible for him to stay with friends? or is it possible to move your mother closer?

I moved in 8th grade and it was a very hard time to move. I never really fit into the new school and it was traumatic. All kids are different. some can adjust easily and for some much tougher. You know your son best so listen to your gut.

My female 1st cousin, Amy, was in nearly the same situation as you: Horrible marriage; 2 teenage boys in HS; Mom who lived 5 hours away suffering debilitating post-stroke aftermath.

Amy naively believed the kids would want to move to Grandma's small town 5 hours away, and the husband would be willing to relocate whether or not the marriage survived. They did not. Nor was her husband willing to relocate. A bitter divorce ensued. Court made now ex-husband primary custodian, giving Amy just two weekend visits per month which she had to drive back to the kids hometown to have.

Amy regrets it, she's horribly depressed, feels guilty for what she's done to her boys, misses them terribly, and realizes now how selfish she was, and even realizes she was not such a good wife for her husband.

Jkassd, my advice is to stay where you are. I know marriage is tough, and the hardest thing we'll ever do. Been there. I've been divorced a few times. But you know what's harder than a tough marriage? -- Getting divorced with young children. I have just one. You have four. Especially with what you're proposing for your children, you'll be in for an extremely bitter and expensive contested divorce, which you will lose. At a minimum, your eldest will resent and not forgive you. He has legal influence at his age, and will want to stay with Dad. He'll be a huge influence on his younger siblings too. The court will see that the new situation, 8 hours from home, sharing a home with their dementia grandparent, will be less beneficial for them than staying put with Dad. The divorce lawyers will consume your marital assets. My ex and I have spent a combined $1.2 Million on divorce attorneys' fees so far. The fees never stop and will continue until your youngest is out of high school. You'll always be taking each other back to court for one reason or another.

That's not the way to go.

If you feel guilty about the burden on your brother and sister, chip in by paying out of pocket for a Visiting Angel type person to step in several days per week to give your siblings a break.

Moreover, children NEED to live under the same roof as their biological fathers. If your husband is truly a monster and you believe the kids would be better off without him (this would be rare), I urge you to be very honest with yourself about that, and not let your ill feelings and disrespect toward your husband automatically translate to him being a horrible father too -- "He's a lousy husband -- therefore, he's a lousy human being -- therefore, he's an unfit father." Lot's and lots of women selfishly make this mistake. My ex-wife did. I'm not judging you and your situation. Only you can do that. But do a Google search for "Social and Psychological consequences for children who grow up without their biological fathers". This will open your eyes real wide. The consequences are enormous, undeniable, and affect them adversely for the rest of their lives. Your husband's lawyer knows this too. I'm 53, and the consequences of my own parents' divorce when I was 7 are still having enormous impact on who I am and how my life has unfolded.

I know there's nothing lonelier than a lousy marriage. But for the sake of your kids, try to make it work. And for your sake...I think you're underestimating how devastating to your soul divorce is, and what it's going to be like caring for four young children alone (if against all odds you're awarded full custody, which I don't think you will), while caring for your own mother in the same house slipping deep into dementia/Alzheimer's. My own mother is too, BTW, and she won't admit it, and it's a seriously difficult job taking care of her. WAY harder than I thought it would be.

If you must pull the trigger, put your eldest into a private parochial school in the new town (preferably all-boys). I went to 3 different high schools. The boys' Catholic school was my favorite by far. Easiest transition.

Godspeed!

There are so many angles to look at this. Moving a child in their sophomore year of high school is not a good idea. They have established relationships with friends at that time. What about moving your parents closer to you? Your son may never forgive you for doing this to him. You may never forgive yourself if you don't help your parents. Difficult situation. in terms of teaching children lessons, we teach them what they are going to absorb during the formative years which I believe is about two or three until about six or seven years old. Teenagers are selfish.
Perhaps there is another way of dealing with your parent's situation until your son graduates high school? Have you explored the options of getting help for your dad in the home so that he gets a break from your mom? Have you explored putting them both into assisted-living? What does your father think you should do? Is he open or needing of help with your mom?

Maybe it would be less disruptive to move MOM closer to YOU. I totally understand why your son feels this way. Sophomore year is hard enough but to start in a new place will be very hard on him and leaving all his friends at this age is devastating. This is your child. Your mom has had her childhood… just my personal opinion but I think moving mom is the better choice

jkassd: Imho, your son is your priority.

Teenagers only think about themselves. Even if you don’t move, your son will expect you to cater to his needs first, and not caring about the rest of the family. Your parents are lucky to have you, and you should do what you believe is best. You are the adult. Your son will be in for a lifetime of disappointment if he doesn’t learn to adjust.
Many years ago I had a chance to move 4 hours away to my parents’ home after they had passed. My 14-year-old daughter was very angry and threatened to run away, so I didn’t move. Within three years she was married and starting her own family, while I was still in my home. I was not able to get the family home back, but within 10 years I did move to that area. Your son will soon be out on his own and your parents may no longer be around. Whether or not he stays angry will be his choice. He may need some professional help with that. Don’t allow him to blame you and make you feel guilty. Teaching him that families care for one another will be the important thing.
My family moved a lot due to employment. I attended 14 different schools. It was harder on me when I was in my teens, but the family came first.  I still believe in that.

Seems it would be wiser to deal with the toxic marriage - not try to run away from it. After all, you can talk to siblings and see what support they could use in caring for your parents. They might actually prefer it if you did not move there.

I saw one poster say what I am thinking. You have a toxic marriage and you are looking for a way out. You will need a place to live with your 4 kids and moving by your family under the guise of 'helping' is a win-win in your eyes.

There are so many red flags with this plan. Your family is not going to have time to help you get through your divorce because they are already busy dealing with your parents and they will expect you to pitch in. If you think you are stressed now, wait until you get there. Totally uprooted with at least one very angry child, no form of support, no place of your own to live, and now the responsibility of elderly parents. And as I pointed out before....will you be allowed to move 8 hours away? My ex did not want me moving more than 2 counties away so he could have visitation.

Your son is crying out to you that he feels invisible to you and that his feelings/opinions do not matter. Please listen to him. My father made me feel like my feelings and opinions did not matter ever. Everyone else was more important to him. I grew up resenting him. After my mom passed he expected me to 'take care of him' and I did (with boundaries of steel) but I resented every last second of it because of how I was treated as a kid. I was only important to him when he needed me and no one else was around. My father was not abusive, just really inconsiderate and self centered. It still left a lasting mark.

My suggestion to you is to lose the abusive ex and create your own life where you are now. Once you are in a good place, see what type of help you can offer your siblings. I really think your move was more about being around people who would support you against your ex and in that respect it was unfair to your son. I had terrible guilt about my divorce and the effect on my kids. They were only toddlers. I kept them in the same daycare which was alot more work for me, just so they wouldn't have to suffer for the lousy choices their father made. Your first responsibility is for the well being of your children.

I have to agree with what others have said - don't move your son now. Figure out a different care plan for your mom. I have a son with ADD/ODD, anxiety, mood issues. Live 3 hours from my parents and dad suffered from dementia for many years (passed 2 years ago). Have 2 siblings that live closer. My siblings totally understood that my first priority was MY family. They did not resent me NOT being there more hands-on. It would never have considered moving my son at that age. I was able to contribute to my father's care in other ways. I made regular trips to visit by myself and coordinated home health care remotely. My son's health and well-being and my relationship with him was/is primary. I am sorry you are struggling. NONE of this is easy! Sending you peace and strength.

If given a choice, (it seems you have a choice) I would allow my child to finish his 3 years of high school. After that, do what is best for you. I moved my 2 kids in 9th and 11th grade (for a different reason) and my 44 year old son still tells me how unsettling it was for him. Your mom is in good hands but your son needs to stay in his "safe" place with your support.

Wow! My heart goes out to you!

Would it be possible for you to travel to your mom's area once a month for a long weekend and take over her care so your sister and brother can have regular breaks? Or, can you pay for once-a-week assistance for a few hours? A lot of times, the primary caretaker doesn't really want someone else to take over, even for a few days a week. It can be disrupting to have "too many chiefs" involved in the process. Ask them what they want and tell them what you are able to do. Your son matters, too, and is at a critical period in his life. If your siblings have children, they should understand.

Involve him in some way in her care, too. Give him a regular task so he can participate. Ask him what ideas he has to assist the family with the problem and don't criticize him if you don't agree with his answer. Be adaptable. This is new for him and it would be a difficult adjustment for him at this age. Do involve him in her care. Even if its just sending a card or letter once a week or making a phone call of encouragement, involve him in this family task. Things are changing for him, too.

It seems like you need some support, too. Tell your son (gently) how much this situation hurts you and how difficult you are finding it to lose your mother. Even though she's still here physically, she's no longer able to parent you or grandparent your children. It hurts! Your son needs to hear that. Its not only a matter of caring for her physically but caring for you as well. You need to participate in her care and to make a connection with her throughout her last days. Try to help your son understand those feelings. Tell him you are looking for solutions that will give you the opportunity to show love to him and love to your mother. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation.

Have you checked with your siblings? Do they feel you don’t help enough?

If they are okay perhaps there is some other way to help from a distance. Meal delivery service, maybe an agency that provides housekeeping or elder care services. You could pay for these as your way of helping out (if you are in the financial position to do so).

Then you will have time to work with your son’s school situation. Maybe college or employment will relocate him then you won’t be moving him from his comfort zone.

Good luck.

Your IMMEDIATE family comes first. It's difficult to put your parents aside for the sake of your son but that is what has to be done. DON"T MOVE YET ! when he graduates ( turns 18 ) then he can have a life of his own. God Bless you and your family

As others have said, there are many ways to help your siblings.

In my experience, 8 hours away is still very far. How do you plan to be there to care for your mom? In what capacity? How often? For how many hours at a time?

I fear the relaity of this move is to uproot your son and still won't provide your mom the support you know she needs without forming a clear plan for what you will be doing from 8 hours away that you can't do now.

As an educator, I feel I should add that the comparison of your experience moving as a freshman in high school to your son's current situation is not in tune with the stress and strain students have felt for three interrupted school years due to COVID. If ever there was a time to work for your son's stability, it is now.

I commend you on wanting to help out your siblings, thats awesome! In my situation, im the sibling doing the caregiving, and i wish my brother would step in more...he has two teenage boys in high school, but i understand their need for continuity and a sense of community, so i would never want them to leave their life! Occassionally my brother visits for 2 nights, but its 24/7 for me, mom has vascular dementia and has had multiple strokes, she's 87 and dad is 91. I decided to use my brother as a sounding board and a complaint center since he can't be here, it isnt perfect but it helps..siblings at least can understand family dynamics while friends really cant...
I think your last sentence illuminates your feelings clearly..."he's such an angry guy anyway".
Sadly, it seems like hes right, you are more concerned about how the rest of family feels rather than your kid. Teenage years are so difficult anyway, moving adds so much more stress to his world. The reality is, you are unlikely to teach him the value of family, at this late juncture but rather you may add more seperation to your relationship with your son.....he will have left the house sooner than you think, years you will never get back, cherish him...
If possible, get mom to move in with you, or closer, so you can help her daily; or stay for 2 weeks with her intermittently ...
.this will be more likely to teach your son, "family" values..
Sadly, with dementia, you will lose your mom; however, your son needs you now, and in the future..
Such difficulties this life poses for us...good luck to you in a very difficult situation....so many of them are no-win, and this is one of those...

I changed schools/moved to another state half way through my junior year of HS. It wasn't as bad as you think. I was able to stay in touch with my close friends and even go to visit. This was long before cell phones were invented! We had to write letters and pay for long distance calls. Am I still close with HS friends? Only 2. I guess I lost all the years of homecomings and other reunion type events, but are they really that important?

Your son is angry about a lot of things. He may even have a metabolic disorder or inherited behavior disorder. He may just have a bad case of being a teenager. Does he have "problem" friends? Trust yourself to do what is best for your kids, which may not be what they want.

First priority is you. If you are feeling OK and functional, you can make many things work. Until then everything could turn into a crushing burden.

Marriage is rough when one partner feels the need to punish the other. What will this move cost you in terms of safety, security, and financial stability? Will you "owe" him for his support? Are the kids better off with him at a distance? Are you? Assume the kids know how he treats you and try to hide how he treats them. What do things look like now?

You sound like your head is on the right way but you are stressed and insecure. Get any and all help that you can before making a final decision.

Finally, if you have been reading this forum, you realize that being a caregiver for an elderly parent just gets harder with time. You will need to make long-term plans for Mom or your kids won't have you when they need you - you will be too involved with taking care of their grandmother.

May Gd bless you and help you through your travails.

It’s not a good idea to move your son during the prime of his teenage years in high school where most of his friends and memories are being formed. Your immediate family comes first and that means your children and husband. It’s best to make other arrangements for your mom until your son is 18 and on his own and can make decisions for himself. Then you can move closer to your mon.
Why can’t you have your mom move in with you or maybe move her closer. Don’t disrupt your son’s life right now. You will regret it.

Does nobody else think some of the responses on this thread are taking it too far? They concern me and are quite saddening.

Support means encouragement and comfort.

Never take your pain and use it on someone else. Share wisely - do not share to just be cruel and judge another person.

I really am taken back that nobody seems to think someone in troubled times and who was looking for help could come back here a week later and see this and really be beaten down by some of these vile things said. It is not okay to think you can lash out on another person and be cruel.