She’s in above average health for an 82y, but does have early dementia. I’m planning on having her live with me until the day she dies. So basically this would be her home for the rest of her life. Our home is quite crowded, and she would be more comfortable in her own home with her own belongings, but we should be right there for her.
10 years ago I began to suspect that my mother was more than just difficult, and developing dementia. By the time I recognized that she should transition to a care home, the pandemic started and several family members died, so we kept her in her granny flat. I was stuck as her sole caregiver. What a nightmare that became! She was bossy and combative. We couldn’t escape her. She was certain my children were stealing from her. She demanded me, and only me, 24/7. I hired caregivers 4 hours/day, every other day, just so I could shop, look after my own house and nap. She tried to block their entry to her home. Tried to fire them.
Like you, I hoped she’d live there until the day she died. My mental and physical health declined from her multiple daily ambushes and negativity. We had to close our pool when she (a non-swimmer) decided she had to swim her daily lengths. She boarded up the windows with scrap cardboard. She walked into danger. (steep ravine with flowing water) She accused us of holding her hostage and tried to get back to the home she’d sold to move here. She threatened and tried to kill herself when she didn’t get her way.
I’m just scratching the surface here.
Never underestimate the determination of a person with dementia. Perhaps your mother won’t be like mine. Plan for later because her capabilities today are the best they’ll ever be.
Note: Having said all of this, what my mother paid to build her granny flat was less than she would have paid in rent in our area, as she did live in it for almost 18 years. She is now in care.
You experienced firsthand what it is like to allow a parent to build a home on your property.
Initially, it may appear to be an ideal solution, but as you point out so clearly, none of us can predict the future outcome of a situation like this.
AARP Magazine of August/September 2023 has an article pushing this policy. It’s all about sunshine and flowers and family togetherness, but not a word about how it will be when Granny starts wandering all over the neighborhood in the middle of the night when she gets dementia. Or who’s going to be changing Grampa’s Depends while she’s still got a full time job and three teens to raise.
I cannot support this insanity. Our many aging and vulnerable members of society need and deserve professional care, not a granny flat and an exhausted family caregiver who has no more to give. Lord help us.
If you wish to plow ahead with this plan, please talk to an elder law attorney, and estate planner and a Medicaid Planner for her home state. ALso please read some of the hundreds of posts on this forum by people who build homes for their parents and then an unanticipated debaucle ensued.
I live next door to my Mom (94). She's single and I'm her only. She really really doesn't want to go into a facility but I told her that if she wants me to continue to provide hands-on care and manage her affairs as her PoA then she must agree to a facility the minute she's unsafe at home or I'm overwhelmed. She grudgingly agrees to this and I don't delude myself that she will remember but at least I have a clear conscience that we discussed it.
An advantage of helping your Mom settle into a nice facility is that she can be part of the decision-making process; she will most likely benefit from the social exposure and activities; and you'll have peace of mind and your life and privacy intact.
My Mom recently forgot how to use the microwave, so was not even able to heat her own simple dinner, so I had to trudge over there through the MN winter to do it for her because she wasn't able to follow instructions over the phone.
If you really want to build a home for her, make sure it can accommodate a rollator and a wheelchair, a large zero-clearance shower and other things to for people who need assistance. Please just do your homework thoroughly and realistically and don't make promises to your Mother that you may not be able or willing to keep. I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you make decisions.
In your profile you say, "Due to cognitive decline and mild dementia, my mom recently had to move out of her own home and move in with my sister." So why then do you feel mom will be fine moving BACK into her own home once again? Because it's a smaller "cottage" located on your property??? The things going wrong that required her to move out of her home in the first place will continue to go wrong in the new cottage on your property, except with dementia being progressive, she'll continue to decline until she needs help with absolutely everything including using the bathroom every single time. How will she alert you she needs help, when she'll forget how to use the phone? Or what happens if/when she wanders out the door and off the property?
In reality, your mother needs 24/7 care AND supervision which means you either move her into your home (with caregivers if you work ) or a Memory Care Assisted Living facility. Unless she has the funds to hire caregivers in the cottage.
Understanding the the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller is a great book to pick up on Amazon or eBay to help you understand what both of you are facing.
Good luck to you.
You need to plan for the long term. That means realizing that at some point, your mother may not be able to be cared for at home. So you need to make sure that you don't unwittingly make her ineligible for Long Term Care Medicaid benefits.
You and mom need to consult a certified Elder Law attorney in your state. Medicaid is VERY state specific and what is okay in one state isn't allowed in the state next door.
You also need to make sure that your mom has the POA and Health Care Proxy documents in order. If you are doing the caregiving, YOU need to be POA so that you don't have to begging for resources from someone else
Good luck!
Who is the "we" that should be right there for her? Assuming that other members of your household are willing to inconvenience themselves for your mom is unrealistic. She will need someone to shower her, perhaps to change her Depends (double or single incontinence), monitor who she lets in and out of her house, stay with her at night when she becomes afraid or starts to wander, and so on. All of this may fall to you. Caregiving a dementia patient is HARD, and even those with the best of intentions become exhausted fairly quickly.
She'd be better off in a facility where she has her own room or apartment and people to congregate with, eat with, go out with, and all under the care of 24/7 professionals who know what they're doing.
I wish I had put her in AL years ago. When she could have adjusted better and done more activities and made more friends. I would use the money your mom has from selling her house and try AL. Caring for someone with dementia is very challenging.
If you insist upon doing the very difficult, add a nice big bedroom with her own bathroom onto your house for her so you can actually have eyes on her.
Your plan of having her live with you till death do you part, is noble, just IMO not a good one.
She needs to be with people her own age, enjoying in house activities and a place that has a step up program when the dementia gets to the point she no longer knows you or has totally lost her mind, she will be safe and not left to her own devices in a tiny home behind your house and the ability to wander.
I would see an attorney and check your building codes.
Your mother does not have to live in your backyard for you to care for her, you can be her daughter and not only a caregiver if you place her in a facility.
Your plan sounds good on paper, but does not take into consideration what will happen the future. Read around this site, learn more about dementia for both you and her.
Good Luck!
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