I moved her from GA to TX in May, purchased a home with elevator to accommodate her and she’s miserable and uses me as a punching bag as she’s angry at the world. This is the 4th time in 3 months she stated she want to return to GA and I’m ready to help her pack! I avoid her like the plague she’s extremely mean spirited! Suggestions?
Please don't continue to take her abuse. You deserve so much better.
I spent $$$$$ doing a garage conversion to allow 500 sq ft of space for her and dad. She has this “special” cynical laughter which is what I get if I ask her about food, comfort, personal needs.
I had to hire a caregiver because it’s two- both mom and dad (both 94).
there are no siblings since my sis passed 1 1/2 yrs ago(by the way, they didn’t come to the funeral), no family members to help. My niece and nephews are lined up waiting to get the inheritance before their death and never come by .
I have a ball and chain tied to the house, unable to leave them alone for any given time because they wander off. They are horrible to my little dog, mean to the core to the caregiver and just hateful 24/7.
Guilt? I can write the book on guilt.
I started reading a book “Boundaries” recently. I read at 2:00 am when I wake up drenched in sweat (not because of menopause) because of anxiety.
I feel for you. I’m sending you lots of good wishes and a mental hug. I sincerely hope you find strength to make necessary changes to make yourself happy. I’m a weak person and can’t find the way out.
Who said you're a "weak person" who "can't find the way out"? Because neither of those things are true!
You aren't weak; you're hurt. And have every right to be. You've gone the extra mile and then some, and still your parents are unappreciative and ungrateful. You know they won't change. You know the way out... to have them placed and take your life back once and for all. It's just a hard, scary step to take. But you have to... these people have had enough time ruining your life. You're done.
Whatever you do, keep your dog away from them! They sound heartless enough to truly hurt or kill it.
With that... they are under your roof. And your roof = your rules. Your home is to be respected. Your rules include being polite to caregivers and NOT harming, or trying to harm, your pet in any way, shape, or form. If they can't stick to that, it's time for them to go. There's a lot of advice on here about getting parents on Medicaid and getting them placed.
If they're constantly wandering, you have no other option but to place them. Eventually they will be hurt, get lost, or fall in the street.
You sound so broken. It's not your fault! You have evil people for parents and nothing you do will fix it. They will never appreciate you. It's their loss and their problem. If you are hoping they'll finally love you after doing all you've done for them... they won't. You deserve better than that.
If they pull the "you're supposed to take care of us" card, tell them you've TRIED to care for them, spent money on them, and they're not happy. You can't do anything more for them, so they need to pick another place. The blame is on them.
Guilt is warranted when YOU have done wrong. You haven't.
Good luck!
You love your mother, you just don't like "her ways."
YAY, YOU. CHEEEEERS : )
You still love your mother regardless of her being mean. Good for you. Most people can't understand that.
You say your mother acts miserable and has mentioned 4 times that she wants to go back to GA. It could be that she is not happy in TX.
If her wish is to go back to GA, honor her wishes.
Be Blessed : )
Was there a medical reason?
Was this to make it "easy" for you to manage her appointments and other things? If so there are Care Managers that can do this for you and for her since she would be paying for the service.
If you are avoiding her then she might as well be back in GA.
If this is what she wants and if this is what you want then help her find a place that is suitable in GA for her.
Look for Assisted Living facilities that also have Memory Care. There is a possibility that with the Parkinson's she may eventually be diagnosed with LBD (Lewy Body Disease, another form of Dementia.) One of the symptoms of LBD can be outbursts and violence.
But as long as she would be safe where she ends up then it would be a "win-win" she would be back in GA and you would not have contact with her.
My advice is to make space.
I moved him from FL to MN near me so that I could monitor his health first hand and to do things for him that would difficult to do remotely, but easy if he lived near by.
But i did not want to live under the same roof since he's always been a downer, negative, unpleasant. So, we found a complex that offered both independent and assisted living. He liked that idea.
Sometimes we'd talk about topics that made me mad. But over time I was able to separate necessary conversations from ugly talk. I started to tell him I was not interested in the ugly talk. I would cut him off when he started down the path of ugly talk. I would leave if needed.
But I always returned to clean, pay bills, take to dr... I felt good for taking care of him. Maybe he wanted a sounding board for complaints and that I could not provide. But I did the best I could for him. That's all anyone can do.
Can you find the space, separation, you need in your house? If not then consider an apartment for her. I know you bought a house with her in mind so this would be a big change of plans. But do consider it.
As others have said also consider moving her back to GA. If she really wants that then it's not a bad option. It will be much harder for you to care for her. You will need to rely on others more.
If she is going to live independent then look into an emergency pendent and a service for daily call. And other in home services for cleaning and food.
I wonder, does your Mom have any friends in TX? Does she have any activities that she will participate in? Does she have any other in home caregivers? Moving her from GA to TX does separate her from friends and possibly family that she knew for a long time and misses now. Check out her Insurance and see if she has coverage for a therapist for her (I did this for mother). It turned out to be a good thing even though she had dementia and didn't remember why the lady came every two weeks. It turned out Mom thought she was a friend that had come to visit and she loved it.
Don't stay angry with her it is not worth the damage you are doing to yourself. Get that therapist and find your way to peace with her even if is only within yourself.
my second suggestion is to let her go, help her pack and enjoy your new life.
it reckless in regards to you own life to still be trying to be responsible for your mother and still be trying to please someone that is unpleasable. Her own shadows will end up haunting you forever and you will resent her and that is no way for you to live. You deserve a full life, just like she already had and can continue to once you let her go💝 peace to you. Tammy- adult daughter of a miserable mother. Let it go~
She wants to return to GA.
So... what's stopping her?
I hope it isn't you. Where she lives is properly her own choice to make.
The reality, though, is likely to be that if you change your tune and do - with good grace, mind - offer to help her pack, that will be the last you hear of that idea. She will probably switch to how it's all your fault that she now can't move back to GA even though she longs to because it's impossible for reasons that... are probably all your fault too.
Am I guessing right, approximately?
Has she always been like this, or are the limitations and pains of old age ruining her temper?
We put dad on an antidepressants that has helped a lot. It took 2 weeks to work. I have learned to walk away from confrontation and take deep breaths. I found a fabulous book on dementia and a couple support groups. I go to Bible study and pray a lot too.
If your mother was always mean and used you as a punching bag she may have Narcissistic Personality disorder.
Search for it on your search engine of choice.
If she does have NPD, she will never change.
If her behavior is recent and unusual behavior it may be that she is hates the move.
I agree with the person who mentioned that she may suddenly behave if you use some reverse psychology and tell her you will help her move back to GA.
This may chasten her.
With that said, if she does have NPD, even that will not change anything.
.....in my experience the anger comes in waves...Its taken a lot of time and therapy but Ive learned and am still learning to not take it personally...the behavior will dissipate for a while and then rear its ugly head for a while so just expect it. Have empathy but set boundaries if you need to...try not to argue or enable the behavior...its also ok to just smile and say, "ok mom"...with older people less is more..take breaths, take care of yourself and take "breaks" when you need to, get help when you need it...thats about all you can do..
After years of my NM complaining about living with my brother in Co, my Mom decided to move near me in Montana.
Now all she does is complain about her current living situation !
I offered to help her move back to Co!!
It might be easier for you to take her verbal abuse from long distance!
By all means, send her packing!!
You're not her "Whipping Boy "!
Hang in there!!
You say "I moved her" did she agree to this?
You and Mom need to lay out ground rules and boundaries of conduct. Make it clear to her if she cannot keep whatver these commitments are then she will need to go somewhere else.
If your Mom is reasonably capable of living on her own in GA then let her return.
Start making plans now for when the time comes she will not be able to live on her own. Get her agreement to that plan. When that time comes implement the plan.
you bought a home with an elevator, moved her from GA to TX. You have put out a lot of money and a lot of time. If you did all this without her being on board you are really being quite controlling of your Mother and she may not be ready for it.
Has she always been mean spirited? Leopards seldom change their spots as they get older and if she has always been this way..... well, you kind of knew this was going to be a bumpy road. You do realize that any medical problems she had in May that are related to aging are only going to get worse, not better. If she was living alone in GA and was capable and competent, perhaps you should let her go. If you are an only child and she doesn't not have close friends, you should prepare yourself to be, at the very least, next of kin for phone calls from hospitals, etc should she become ill or incapacitated. This can be a very difficult conversation (maybe have it after you goth develop a "return to GA" plan.... when she may be in a good mood, but if you don't have it place, discuss with her the benefit to her of having a current DPOA, medical proxy and living will in place. You will be happy to have those in force regardless of her location. Good luck on your journey.
Unfortunately, I can answer the "Why?" question.
When you grow up with a narcissistic mother, you are systematically programmed to believe that you are loved for what you do instead of being loved for who you are.
I grew up believing that everyone's mom was like mine.
I had to "earn " love, so I became a classic overpleaser.
We're not supposed to hate mom!! Right??
It's a hard habit to break!!
It is possible to love someone, but detest the things they do.
It's heartbreaking!!
Even if outgoing, it takes time to join new groups & make new connections. To feel like you fit into your new area - even just finding a new coffee shop. For quieter types or those with depression, it's a harder task. Then add any Covid complications shutting things down/limiting things too.
The 'poor old me - it's all your fault' attitude is silly (unless you really did force her of course). So don't take that. Explain she chose to move & it will take time.
What was the reason? If living physically closer to you was the goal - she has achieved that.
Or did she actually want to live with you & you look after all her needs yourself? Sometimes.. when you ask.. you get shocked at the answer!