My mom lives in northern Illinois. I live in Florida and have a very happy life with my significant other of 30 years.
Mom is the primary caregiver for her husband, who has been diagnosed with dementia. She and her husband both have diabetes, and my mom’s is not well controlled.
Recently, mom fell and broke her ankle, requiring surgery. I flew in and stayed with them for a week, and my younger brother drive in from 2 hours away and stayed with them. My older brother lives 15 minutes from them, but is too busy and unwilling to check in on them.
three weeks after the surgery, mom became quite ill, but refused to call her doctor, resulting in a trip to the hospital in Thanksgiving (my older brother refused to take her and argued with her when she called him for help saying “you need to call 911. I am not taking you.”
things are complicated because mom’s husband cannot really stay home alone. He has a daughter who lives nearby and she has helped tremendously.
this has brought several issues to the surface. When I suggest caregiver support, my mom gives a resounding “no.” When I beg her to call her doctor, it’s another “no.” She feels that all support should come from us kids.
I am certain that she also feels I am her ultimate plan. She brought my grandmother to live with us, and she seems to feel I should do the same. I watched her relationship with my grandmother deteriorate, and watched every romantic relationship my mom had fall apart. She was so unhappy.
Yet I overheard her talking to a friend while I was there, and both said “you just can’t expect the same level of care from the boys.”
basically, she expects me to be her 24/7 caregiver at some point, because that is what she did, and I am the girl.
Everyone I have asked about this has said that moving her in with me is a bad idea. How do I have that conversation without hurting her? How do I convince her that I love her and I am here to help, but I do not want give up my life the way she did? Admittedly, we have grown apart in recent years, but I do love her and want to be sure she is taken care of. How do I reconcile the fact that she expects this of me automatically because I am the daughter?
I feel incredibly scared, sad and guilty about these feelings. I do not know what to do.
It sounds to me that you need to feel okay about yourself, who you are, and clear on what you will and won't do. If you are having all these feelings, you are not confident in yourself, which is required if you want to maintain a quality of life for yourself. Otherwise, without professional support, I believe you will 'lose' your life (style) to your mother, caring for her. And, likely feeling resentful and angry through it all. Do not set yourself up for this.
While you may feel guilty and scared, it is 'more' disrespectful of your mom if you allowing her to believe in her fantasy of her care in the future. You need to have this conversation NOW. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for months or years of guilt and fear, and the accompanying emotional and psychological, and physical manifestations that come with it - you will ruin your own health / quality of life. It is best for all concerned to discuss these matters NOW.
It sounds like one of your brothers has done this - right or wrong - he has set boundaries on what he will and will not do. You need to do the same.
You reconcile by doing what you realistically can by deciding what you will take on, what level of care you will take on, and discuss ways to manage care as needed. You may need a three way conversation with a therapist and your mother to get the support you need to have this talk. Additionally, I imagine there is some / perhaps a lot of anger on your part with the care your siblings take on. Nothing falls on your shoulders UNLESS you allow that to happen. You need to build yourself up inside. Therapy can help although you do need to understand these feelings are decades in the making and will not be so easy to change. You will feel sad, grief stricken, guilt - it is what you do with these feelings / how you work through them that matter.
Realize too that her expectations are HERS. If she did not discuss or ask you about care in the future, she needs to understand that she is making huge projections without any factual basis. This will be hard for her to realize, if not understand, too. It likely will be some very confrontational interactions / conversations. They need to happen - and the sooner the better for all concerned. I would hope you could have a family intervention of sorts - so everyone can be there to 'put their cards on the table' - nothing is black or white. It is the shades of grey that need addressing. The point is to open this conversation NOW. As time moves forward, what is discussed now of the 'who does what' may change. Gena.
Set her expectations without directly saying no. Ease her into your reality so she doesn’t count on you and so that there is no painful confrontation or humiliation in front of others.
New Zealand looks nice 😁 (and currently Covid free 😇)
Everyone went ape to ensure everything went smoothly for the boy. My mother got him immigration. Another, a doctor, pulled strings for his medical residency. And back when I was in HS, I was asked to meet the marriage candidate my mom had set him up with.
She was just like "I love your uncle" and I was like, well are you going to love having MIL around to live with you after you get through your honeymoon. I reported back to my mom that this plan would fail.
Which it did within a couple years. The grandma ended up being paid for and strings pulled for her until she died in a NH (probably the nicest that Medicaid offers) in 1996.
My parents' plans involve them immediately going to an independent/assisted/snf when the other one dies. If one of them falls severely ill then they've already indicated they want to be in a snf. They are immigrants, and they've come a long way in 40 years.
Compared to SO's family. His parents have in recent months both fallen ill--her with a cancer dx and he with a stroke. Everything around that has been around getting "family" to help first so that they're not paying. Eventually they got an overnight/weekend person and hired their DIL as day manager. Because of work SO is not going to be able to come by at drop of a hat to lift them, so their newest plan is to enlist the sons of aging widows who are their friends to "drop by" whenever they need to upload him or her into a vehicle, or have them watch their domestics, or whatever.
I can't even express the depth of selfishness this is.
I know a lot of these men. They know they have no chance at dating. They are socially regressed and almost uniformly angry at the position they've been put in, where they get even less respect than women doing this job. And SO's parents want to deploy some Mom who has the nads to actually command their son to go over there.
They make me sick actually with that suggestion.
When you do this, the person can make plans for their own old age.
It is very antiquated for a parent sto expect a child to be your caregiver as you age.
Some may want to take on this role, and that is fine.
Still, it should not be expected. If a parent expects their child to be their old age insurance policy than they will be disappointed.
Many children have enough of their own issues and can not afford to take care of a parent. They have jobs, children, spouses, and lives of their own.
If your mother loves you without expectation, she will understand.
Your parent decided to have children on their own. You did not have a choice regarding who your parents were.
There are many elderly who do not have children and manage to figure out how to take care of themselves.
Lastly, perhaps you can suggest that your mother visit an estate planning attorney and an elder care attorney for advice on how to proceed without depending on her children.
If you have the resources to outsource her care....then that is fine. Still, most people do not have the spare cash to outsource parental care and if they do not live locally, airfare can break them financially.
Do not feel guilty. You are not your mother's slave.
Your brother is right, too. Your mom can call 911, if she is alone and needs help, that is why she pays taxes and that is what 911 is there for.
It is a process a person must go through to get through.
And, I doubt 'the mother' will understand. She might in time however, with her expectations, she may be shocked, stunned, angry, frightened 'first'.
Otherwise, I agree with your post 110%.
Perhaps some of the strength for the daughter could come from the son who knows how to set his limits and boundaries. A talk with him might help. Even asking "how do you do it? and why?"
In my own situation, I found out real fast when the caregiver role ended, how some as surviving (for lack of a better term) family felt about me. I mean we all were getting whatever we were getting as an inherited portion of any estate left over from it all. I certianly could have said "No" to it. The 2 years, I had with Dad & dog, I have those memories, nobody else will because they opted out. At a certain point into it, I couldn't just turn my back & walk away from either of them. It's really what your character is about. All of this other stuff, will be left on this side of the life & after-life experience any way. I can see why this world really is where it is. The reward(s) truly are on the other side. Just remember eternity is a lot longer than even the as much as +/-century anyone gets on this side. If you don't believe in something higher, you will if you ever are caregiver and there at the last moments of who you cared for. There are a lot of things that happen if you're paying attention,
At the end we had home healthcare for the final 5 days, anyone they sent over for a shift, they observe what anyone would call the "supernatural" for lack of a better term for that. I lived with them, so I stayed there, I asked others to join me there in the final days, nobody would take that offer up just the same. So they missed out on it, not me though, greatest event I ever was able to witness. We all have an aura, call me crazy or insane all you want, but what I witnessed was that release of energy back into the universe, you're either there to witness it or you miss it. I cemetery visit periodically, prior to that need the dreams come back of a lifetime of memories as cherished events. I come away with a rejuvenation from those visits. I regret moving even as far away as I have, the 1st year post mortem, I had the luxury of riding a bike there, now it's a 3 hour round trip. I'm also the only one to have shovelled dirt, buried their dog with both parents. To the day I pass, I won't regret not moving on. Where I live now, I have my own cemetery of sorts, I was able to keep enough ashe residue from the plastic bags to ceremonially create that memorial for myself. That much is worth more than any worldly possession anyone ever received. If you survived 2020 to this point, I've survived hurricanes, life events themselves. All of it is really insignificant in the grand scheme of being there at the end. My parents passed before COVID, those that lost in this COVID era have something similar that I will never know of in that. We all are given a time frame that may or may not mean anything to another. That time is your frame of reference of life with loved ones. Take that and cherish it for eternity. The moment you cross over, you may meet up with them or not. In that moment, you may spend eternity with or without them. I truly believe we are reunited, that is if anyone is worthy of that reunited event. The rules change on that side, there is no disease, no man-made financial hardships, you're either worthy or you aren't, aura & character.
And by the way....."perpetuating the human race" = having unprotected sex. Which doesn't entitle those two people to lifelong care by the offspring produced. It's a CHOICE to have children and a requirement by the parents to care for them, and a CHOICE to do caregiving for elders.
That day I had broken up a phone fight between my SO and his brother's wife about whether he, SO, should volunteer to do her daytime shift on top of his nighttime shift. This was the first time I went along to one of the nighttime shifts and I mentioned the fight to the FMIL: She's working 70 plus hours and he's working 120 plus here, wouldn't it be good if they both got a break?
Her response? First the crying, then telling me that she had paid for his car insurance and threatening to bring out her checkbook so I could personally see, then banishing me upstairs to my room, a la Handmaid's Tale.
That's only part of it but it solidified my decision. If he wanted to elect to be paid nothing and live there full time versus getting a real job with real benefits, I told him there'd be no point in him living with me.
His parents are literal 1 percenters. They have two boys. The Brother's Wife is now employed there at 50 hours and has taken the role on as manager. I can't stand Brother's Wife and will not work, let alone volunteer underneath her, for one minute. SO probably dislikes her more.
He's on the verge of getting a job now. A real good one. But every day the calls from Mommy and Brother's Wife continue.
I was raised in a city that I refused to raise children in, so I moved away. It is after all my life and my choice where I want to live my life.
My step children moved to Tennessee, we honor the fact that they CHOOSE to live their lives in a different city then they were raised.
We don't think for one minute that they are selfish but, we would be VERY SELFISH to lay a guilt trip on them because we don't want to have strangers in our home or move to a facility. Our choices don't obligate them to servitude and neither does your moms.
Excellent post, and you sound like an excellent caring generous mother.
I, too, do not expect my children to care for me.
I want to give them wings to fly. That includes encouraging them to relocate far from me, if that is what they wish and they find another area that attracts them.
I have planned carefully for my geezerhood. IMO, every caring parent should do that as a final gift to their children.
I have also set aside money for an inheritance in equal amounts to all. This money is set up in a way that it will be protected from any money I spend on my elder care.
I am the parent, and a parents role is to take care of the children and give them the guidance to be able to fend for themselves.
Parenting does not end when the child becomes an adult, IMO.
To lay a guilt trip on children is selfish.
I chose to have children, knowing that a mother is suppose to take care of their children.
My children did not choose me and should not be burdened with the need to be my caregiver.
You hit the nail on the head when you said once she realized you would not be her caretaker, she cut you off.
That is typical of an abusive parent.
To an abusive parent, the groomed child is simply "emotional supply". Once they no longer play along with the abuser, the abuser cuts them off.
This site has info about finding care and making a care plan. POA can't wait, get that soon. One person answered with wonderful, gentle ways to get the conversation started. (Sorry, I don't recall who). Lovingly offering to help develop a plan together, in her best interest, may open her mind to the idea. Wanting the best for both of you, needing to be sure all her needs are met, doing what is in everyone's best interest, etc. Caring for her husband with Alzheimer's should be an eye-ooener for what kind of a commitment it is.
Best of luck to you.
I am extremely exhausted and stressed out from trying to manage it all, to be honest. This makes me even more aware of the fact that I am not cut out to do this 24/7, even if I wanted to. I have been feeling tremendous guilt over my feelings and to be honest have found myself crying on my kitchen floor more than once from being so overwhelmed. And this is just dealing with one hospitalization. I see what others on this forum deal with and I have so little confidence that I can do it.
the thing I am struggling with now is really what happens from here. She is extremely fatigued, but my hope is that this is just a side effect of everything she has been through in the past week. My hope is that she will get better so I can have these conversations about the future with her.
Despite what some may think, I do love her very much. I am trying to find balance and feel like I am fighting for our separate lives: fighting for her to be healthy and independent and fighting to keep the life I have worked to build for myself.
My confidence and self esteem have taken a real hit lately. I am so grateful to everyone for your thoughtful comments and advice. It really helps. I appreciate you all so much.
As tough as this has been I'm glad it gave you some clarity as to what you can and can not do.
I don't question the love you have for your mom for one second! You can be her advocate while also letting the professionals take on a bigger role, and eventually placement when she needs 24/7 care.
Keep coming here for support, ideas and to vent. You are not alone!
Sending you a huge hug!
Of course the conversation will be difficult, of course she will guilt trip you, of course she will throw everything that she has ever done for you in your face, however, that doesn't change the FACT that you are not willing to be her solution.
I had to tell my mom that she can expect anything she wants to but, I will not be doing any hands on care. I will advocate for her, I will make sure that she has the care she needs but, I won't fight her. If she says no in home help I say, okay, I am not now responsible to do it for you because you refuse anyone else. Many tears, lots of accusations and general heartache but, I am not her solution and I never waiver. You have to take any hope that she can wear you down away from her, period. If she thinks that you might cave in she will be relentless and make you crazy.
I would approach it from the conversation you over heard. "Hey mom, I heard you speaking with...and I just wanted to clarify that I am not going to be taking you in. So I think that we should discuss what you want. Keeping in mind that you moving into my home or me moving here isn't going to happen. As much as I love you I am just not capable of taking on that role. So what is your plan in the event that you can't continue to live alone?" Put it on her to come up with an alternative and stand your ground, you deserve to do as you choose as far as being a caregiver for her and no amount of drama from her changes that.
Best of luck. It is a rotten position to be put in by our parents. I personally think it is selfish to even think that you can move in on your adult children without their agreement.
The parents are miserable for living so long in misery.
The children are miserable caring for miserable parents.
So who wins? No one!
Just curious, I wonder how many of our parents took care of their parents?
My parents did not care for their parents so they had no clue how hard it was to be a caregiver.
I think adult children should be more concerned with their own future rather than focusing on their parents care.
This has nothing to do with love. Love does not mean that children must care more about their parents than they do themselves.
If a child chooses to be a martyr for a parent that is their business but they should not feel that their choice is right for everyone.
Have you noticed that people who preach this nonsense do not have anyone living in their own home and if you ask them why not they always have an excuse! Unless they offer to care for your loved one, they need to keep their mouth shut!
Caregiving is an individual choice and no one else’s business but your own. No need to defend or explain to others.
It's not what family is for, to bring them into the world as defacto caretakers. Not at all.
If you have the luxury as a 24/7 caregiver, that's just paying it forward. Everyone does what they can. I slept light to hope to catch anything before it was a catastrophic event. Did that for Mom & Dad's dog too, the dog was family too.
You’re an animal lover to boot!
I found your posting quite refreshing. Thanks for your perspective. Others can learn lessons from your perspective.
Many hugs for you! 💗
I lost count of the hours I spent in the ER with my father over FRIVILOUS things! You have no idea how much of my life I lost appeasing him. And then I JUST HAD ENOUGH!!! I couldn't do it anymore. I just stopped. No more sitting with him in the ER over nothing. Maybe I'd give him a ride to the ER if I was in the area but I was not going in. And he better have cab fare to get home because I did not live in the area. I was so tired of trying to fix things for him because there was always something else needing fixing (in his mind). There is a point where they ask too much and there is no shame is saying it is more than I can give.
Moving her in with you CLEARLY SETS THE EXPECTATION YOU WILL CARE FOR HER.
Sit down with her have a very clear and frank discussion. Have your spouse and or sibling there with you when you have this conversation. Do not have it with her alone or she WILL deny the conversation ever happened. Have a plan be ready when you have this discussion or be prepared to help her map out the alternative plan
Your mom made the choice to take her mother in. That is on her and in no way obligates you. You have a choice too and if you choose not to be a martyr, do not feel guilty. You are entitled to a life and you can love your mom and assist your mom without running yourself into the ground and making yourself miserable. When the time comes you can help her move and find a nice facility to go to...it can even be closer to you if you or her would want that, so that you can visit with more frequency.
Do not move her in...you will regret it and be miserable.