My MIL, who is currently in rehabilitation, can’t live alone anymore. She needs to move in with my wife and I. Should I leave?
Hello. My wife’s mother has had heart trouble for the past 5 to seven years. I am 43 and my wife is 47. She is currently in rehabilitation unable to walk, wearing diapers and unwilling to even attempt to walk again. I love my wife, but I don’t think I can handle having her MIL move in with us. I have told my wife numerous times that it is not a good idea, but she is unwilling to keep her at a nursing home or care facility. I guess that would be the same thing. This situation is currently causing severe stress on me and my career. My wife is also now insisting that I purchase us a larger home so that we have more space for her mother. While I don’t want to leave my wife and do love her, I don’t feel like it should be my responsibility to purchase and pay for a larger home just so we have room for her mother. I already support my wife 100% and pay for everything because my wife can’t work while looking after her mother. My MIL doesn’t speak English so she needs to help her with everything. I also lost my mom in the beginning of 2024 and it she was diagnosed and passed away within 6 months. This has also been and still is extremely difficult and painful for me. My brother and I are still dealing with probate and other issues involved with the whole process of losing a single parent. Should I just leave and start over? I have an excellent career and have inherited a decent amount of money. I refuse to use any of this money towards care for my MIL because she didn’t plan her life properly and can’t afford care. Now she is going to move in, take all of my wife’s time and make our lives miserable. I only know this, because over the past few years when she would visit, even for a few days we were miserable. This was before when she could walk and use the restroom on her own. Am I being selfish or do I deserve to be completely happy? I would not choose to leave my wife under different circumstances. I honestly don’t know what to do.
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Your wife has apparently made her choice and it is her mother.
I, like you, would not choose this for my life, and it would be, for me, a deal breaker.
I would tell your wife that it's time now to visit an attorney for a legal separation and a division of assets. This will leave you with one half the assets you have during the marriage. You can force sale of home if you choose. Your wife and her mother will be left to live best they can together in an apartment. In one year's time, given things are unchanged I would move on to divorce. Dependent on how long your wife has been dependent on you you will likely be paying alimony for some time. Of course this is what comes when there is no understanding of where spouses stand regarding choices in future about children, about faith, about elders, and other basic things.
Sorry. Not everything can be fixed.
As I said, she has made her choice.
Taking on caregiving for someone when you don't wish to would make of your life a total 24/7 nightmare. Why would you choose to do that. I couldn't.
As to buying another home with more room? That has to be some sort of bad joke on the part of a wife who has been told that her mother isn't welcome in the CURRENT home.
I hope that you as a new member will fill in your profile if you plan on staying on the forum. I wish all of you the very best of luck going forward. I don't believe a life choice this large, when you stand opposed, can be worked out. One of you would come to dislike the other. I hope that you have no children.
She is bed bound, as it sounds, which would mean she would need constant care such as turning, changing diapers, skin care, feeding, bathing, preventing immobility problems such as pneumonia, etc. She may need to see a physician or dentist occasionally, necessitating transfers to those places. So much involved.
People new to this don't always understand just how demanding and draining this situation will be.
Having an invalid live with you is a lot of work. Diapers need to be checked and possibly changed every 2 hours including overnight to prevent bed sores. Med management is a lot of work. Dental care is challenging when someone is housebound. Supplies are expensive. Chux (bed pads and adult diapers are expensive. Modifying the house for accessibility can be expensive (wheel chair ramp on exterior etc.) Are the doors in your existing house ADA width so that a wheel chair can get through.
We had paid for CNA's to care for Mom in her home but still it was exceptionally challenging for me. Even with paid for CNA's it was a lot of work for me.
MIL not speaking English does add another facet of challenge to her situation.
Maybe help her look for any other solutions besides living with you. Maybe take her (your wife) to visit a good reputable facility so she sees they are not all awful. Find other posts dealing with the same issue from this very forum (and there's lots of them). They outline in painful detail how it did or is in the process of ruining marriages and children and finances.
Speaking of finances... does MIL have the funds to pay for a facility? This is something else that your marriage should not shoulder.
DO NOT buy a bigger house and get in further debt for her Mother. I would make it clear she has to choose between YOU (her sole provider an husband) and her Mother. She is not a medical professional and should be realistic that this situation is not going to work and will likely cause a divorce. She will expect YOU to pay for it all, too. Since you have a career and inherited money, you are the Sugar Daddy. Plus facilities have staff that can speak other languages.
Did she help you with your Mom? Did your Mom live with you?
Her Mom may only live a short time longer in her condition. It doesn't sound good. Tell her NO. Mom needs medical personnel, equipment and treatment. Wife is not a doctor or nurse. She is in panic mode and needs to stop the ideas and is in no position to be a 24 hr caregiver, unless YOU pay for it. Facilities have 3 shifts to cover bedridden patients!
IMO, I would consider leaving and starting over myself, but that's me. American men don't jeopardize their careers with this stress! Tell your wife this is not fair to you, and you are the sole breadwinner. You will refuse to buy a bigger house or take her Mother in, and you are prepared to end the marriage.
If you allow it, it will end your marriage eventually anyway. There will not be a good or happy outcome, no matter what.
Lots of good advice is given. Pay close attention.
Sorry about your Mom.
Trust your gut. If it was miserable before with short visits with MIL when she was presumably well and healthier, it WILL be miserable AND undoubtedly your marriage will eventually end anyway if you allow MIL to move in with you.
As another has pointed out, your wife will be in a worse position then as her mother will go into a Medicaid facility in crisis AND she will need to find a way to support herself and ONLY be able to help her mother in a very limited capacity due to time constraints of earning an income.
Since there is a language barrier for MIL, possibly also consider cross-cultural issues and expectations coming into play. Although my husband was born in Canada and raised in a Western culture and his mother was completely modern and independent from her roots (left home and country wo permission, had a career, would have never allowed her father to arrange a marriage, ultimately entered into an interfaith marriage), regarding elder care neither my husband nor she (my MIL) can escape the cultural expectations laid down centuries/maybe millennia ago.
LAST red flag “unwilling to even try to walk again.” If someone becomes uncooperative in their own care, it can take 2-3 people to do really simple daily tasks like administer eye drops. Your wife is not going to be capable of caring for her by herself in your home.
It may be heart-breaking for her, but your wife needs to come to terms with some dire circumstances.
I agree counselling may be in order, but frankly you don’t have enough time. Rehab is only 100 days max and that is WITH patient cooperation. Your MIL could be discharged in as short as 3 days if she is not making progress and applying herself to her PT and OT goals.
Is there someone at rehab w a medical background that can make a determination that MIL simply CAN’T return to a home environment? Does the rehab facility know your concerns about her moving in with you? If not, please advise ASAP as they need to be working on an appropriate long-term placement. Your wife’s hands will be full with coordinating care and helping with translation or devising communication methods. She can still be integral to her mother’s care and advocacy, but at least she — and you — will have a safe home for your own respite and your own healing.
This is no small matter. Take your concerns seriously.
Someone’s DH (dear husband) recommended that you move out temporarily to get yourself some headspace and allow your wife to see how life is on her own. Though it’s a creative idea and may seem tempting or liberating for you, I would NOT do that.
But rather, if necessary, allow HER some space to think through options at an AirBNB close to home. I would not give her the opportunity to change locks on you, move her mother in, and/or drain accounts.
Counselling after your MIL is settled in her new living situation may be helpful for you together, individually or both.