My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have been married for 3 of those years. We are boomers and last year, my 93 yr old mother-in-law moved in with us. In retrospect, I'd say that was the day my marriage ended.
She has dementia and requires his full attention so he retired early to take care of her. The "we" in our married life is gone and I feel like the 3rd wheel in this house. I have turned into a stranger living among two strangers. I feel totally displaced in my own space.
My husband setup a camera in her bedroom and in the family room where she sits during the day. He also has baby monitors in her bedroom and bathroom. We could be watching a movie in bed and he would have his tablet propped up so he can watch his mother on the camera. The baby monitors emit all kinds of noise all night and it disrupts our sleep. Added to that is mother-in-law roaming around the house and knocking at our bedroom door, sometimes 3x in one night.
He tells me he wants to find ways to make it better for us so we went to a couple's counseling session. That didn't help and we didn't feel encouraged to go back. I am ready to give it up. I will be 64 next month and will be retiring by next year. I want to just relax and not be stressed by this situation.
This late in life, I never thought I'd be starting over but that's what I have to do for my sanity.
Am I being selfish?
This is an impossible situation. I am glad that you have only wasted one year of your life in this situation, and have decided to move on.
I'm curious -- what kind of care other than night-time monitoring, does your MIL require. Toileting? Incontinence issues? Since she's up and wandering at night, she must be fully ambulatory? Were you ever asked to help? What kind of nightmare has your H signed up for?
The non-participatory brother irks me. Is your H determined to never place his mother in a facility? Is the estate going to be split between he and his brother? (So, so unfair, if this is the case, as it's your H who is doing the caregiving!)
Do you and your H both own the house? Will splitting marital assets be difficult? (Just wondering; sounds like you have planned your future well.)
Keep us updated. I am impressed that you have decided so soon to get out of the situation. Too many posters on this site let an untenable situation stretch on for way too long.
No, my husband bought his home before we were married, so he has full ownership of it and honestly, I have no financial interest in the house, his 401K, etc. I have prepared for my own subsistence and don't rely on him for that.
Yes, MIL is ambulatory and uses a walker. She can bathe and dress herself with minimal assistance but that's where it stops. She goes to the bathroom on her own but has lots of "accidents" that need cleaning up. Meds, meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. have ro be done for her bc she is totally incapable of those. Until recently, I helped out a lot but now, I limit myself to doing her laundry and looking after her when H has to run an errand. There was a time when I did so much that my back started to hurt and I felt stressed out. I wised up eventually and gave it all to my H. After all, he signed up for it and I didn't.
I got married 11 years ago and then my parents moved here from Florida, which disrupted my marriage in spite of the fact that they didn't move in with us. Here it is 9 years later and my mother is still alive, still acting out, still complaining and 'wanting to die' but living in Memory Care, at least, which is STILL enough of a burden on me to give me chronic anxiety as an only child. If I had no other choice but to move her in with us, I'd just as soon shoot myself. Honestly.
Move out for now and let him see what it feels like to bear the burden of his mother alone and with nobody to talk to. He may just see the light.
Good luck!
In answer to your question are you being selfish? To me, selfish is when you take something all for yourself - something 1)you don't really need; 2) you don't really want; 3) it would cause you no hardship to share whatever the thing is and sharing that thing would bring other people joy. I think someone is truly selfish when they do all those things.
It is not selfish to want to preserve your mental health and well being. It is not selfish to want to be happy. It is not selfish to want to purge yourself of the things that make you unhappy. And even if it was, SO WHAT? It doesn't change the fact that you're clearly unhappy in the current situation and want out of it.
It's a shame your husband is behaving this way. Yes, you guys made a mistake taking his mom in. It was not a mistake you could have anticipated, not having possession of all the facts - not knowing, really, how much caregiving would take over your life - but you are in an enviable position in that you DO have options, should you wish to use them. I'm sorry your husband doesn't see that, for whatever reason.
If you're reluctant to close the door on this relationship, so to speak, I don't know, maybe try counseling again. Or just ask him without the counselor "We made the decision to move mom in here together. Clearly, that was a mistake. But it's not a mistake that can't be rectified, if you're willing to explore other options. If you're not, why do you feel that the way we're living is our only choice now?" Write down a list of other possible options: mom goes into a facility; you hire in-home help; you explore the idea of expanding your living space so mom isn't constantly in your faces 24/7...if he shoots down each idea you come up with out of hand, without even considering the possibilities, then in my opinion he has no real interest in improving the situation, he just wants to continue along his present course. That doesn't mean you're obligated to go along for the ride.
You're not being selfish. Your feelings matter, too. Your feelings matter just as much as your husband's and his mother's. And it is NOT selfish to acknowledge that to yourself or others.
Good luck!
He said he didn't sign up to be his Mom's caregiver but "life happens" and so, what about the vows we made when we got married...to be there for each other during both good times and bad and well, this is a 'bad' time, so am I then saying I can't be there for him? - I find this statement to be very unfair. First of all, he DID sign up to be his Mom's caregiver; no doubt about that, and him using our marriage vows as leverage to make me commit to living his dreadful life as a caregiver is just plain unfair. You are correct - I, too, have feelings...just like him and his Mom.
Was any consideration given to the loss of privacy you would both experience having a third person in your home?
I'm about your age. I was in my late 40s when I met my current husband. Before we got married, we agreed that in no case would either of our elderly mothers ever move in with us. It was an important conversation to have.
What about the therapy session felt discouraging? Is your husband not seeing that there are alternatives to having his mom live with you?
Do you think that telling him that you are planning to leave will make him re-think his priorities?
good luck and hoping you and your husband are able to work it out.
This website cites NYS law only I think. But you run the risk of a judge deciding that you owe spousal support because you "abandoned" him in his hour of need. That's how HIS lawyer is going to argue it.
If you can do a mediated divorce, it's a better choice. You are in an economically vulnerable position because you are still earning.
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