My husband wants to move in my mother-in-law with us. Advice, tips, pros/cons appreciated!

Wow!!! I wish I had someone to ask these questions of when we had this decision to make. My mom moved in with us about 4 years ago. At that time, she was mobile and had all her faculties about her. It was short lived, I'm afraid. She is now 95 years old and her faculties are mostly there, but her mobility and mental stability is missing. You don't think of these things when you are making your decision. I didn't. Mom did not age gracefully. She resented everything that went wrong over these years, from neuropathy in her feet and hands, to congestive heart failure to severe dry eye. She is dependent on aides to do everything for her. My husband was so willing to take her in and was so supportive. Now, fast forward 4 years. Mom is not happy, my husband is not happy, and I am not happy. It is impossible to know how you will react in a situation until you live it. But, if you can take some advice from others who walked a similar path, you are doing yourself a favor. My biggest sadness is that I can't be a daughter and a caretaker in the same breath. She needs the care, so I have to be that person. I would love to be her daughter and have enjoyable times again. Not sure, with this covid going on how that will happen. You have a life changing decision to make. Good Luck. It will change your life....be prepared for that. Only you know how you will fare.

My immediate answer is NO. Not yet anyway. That doesn’t mean that is right for you. You are already thinking about the most important thing “your marriage” Moving in with my MIL only seemed logical...love of family, the right thing, strong couple that put family first. This is NOT enough. If you have children it is really not enough. Personalities play a huge factor. Then there is your roll, what is it? Wife, daughter-in-law, friend, mother, caretaker. You are no longer visiting on your best behavior with a way out. Your husband may feel that since he moved her in his part is done. #problem/solution BUT like getting a “free” dog the cost will only get bigger and that is where you come in depending on your life situation. You might be shaking your head no to all of this because all family situations are different. MY BEST ADVICE...if she is fine and in need of a little help do that. Take this time to start asking a million questions and prepare for the future. She’s fine. Make sure the chain of command and responsibilities are CRYSTAL CLEAR. You and your hubby have to always have a united front. It is harder than with your kids...it’s his mommy. Do a lot of pre-planning.

NEVER NEVER have anyone live in the house with you & your newly-wed husband —EVER! Not even an attached MIL apartment would work.
Been there done that!! Doesn’t work for anyone in the family including Mo-in-law—So my advice is to find an elderly housing unit near you or in next town over where she can make friends her age & they all are experiencing the same things in life & they can chat together & commiserate together. They usually have a van to take them shopping, church or Doctor appts—Also would be great if a senior center was near where she lives as she can go there daily & do all kinds of things with people her age (dancing, knitting, exercise, painting classes etc). She should always enjoy seeing you & you her. Stay in your separate houses & visit only. I am 80 yo & moved in with my mother & her sister as a newly wed & it was like that until we finally bought our own house; but Aunt had died & mother came & lived with us—she was a sweetheart, no problem except she was in my ‘space’ (2 women cannot be in the same kitchen or watch TV every night together—it just doesn’t work—EVER!!). I finally had to ask her to move; which she did & my kids & I stopped taking her for granted & started treating her as a mother & grandmother should be treated; with respect & affection—we all loved her—just not living with us.

Why don’t you compromise by encouraging that she find a place to live nearby. It would be nice if she could move somewhere that allows her to meet friends and develop a social life.

You could be there to help, and to see her for once weekly outings, etc. If she is important to your husband, he will be very grateful to you.

Bear in mind that your MIL could easily live another 20 years. I will be 70 in December of 2020 and there is no way I would do this to my son and the woman he plans to marry. (Eerily, I have also had injuries which led to knee replacement surgery. I do understand the difficulties your MIL faces. The best cure for depression, though, is to be busy making your own world as nice as you can, not whining to your grown children.) Newlyweds need their own space in which to make their own mistakes and their own blessings. It is wonderful to have relatives nearby, but a big mistake to have them in your house. Even if your MIL meant well (and she does not seem like she will be a benign presence), she would be there in the middle of your family discussions.

I agree with the others who have said that if you fear for your marriage if she does not move in, you have no hope for your marriage if she does.

Have a serious discussion with your husband. My current husband of nearly 35 years was my second marriage. Within a year of our marriage we had a very frank discussion about our strong-minded families. We agreed that any family member was welcome to visit for 1 to 2 weeks, but that nobody would ever move in. All these years later we are happy we decided once and for all. Both our mothers had/have issues that make staying in their own homes doubtful/unwise. Their option is to move into residential care.

This is not as unfeeling as it might seem. Full time care of another person requires skills, resources, and certain personality traits. If you haven't got them all you could really end up in a terrible situation. The best way to remain friends with your MIL could be minimal contact. Visit her or encourage your husband to visit her once a week, and call her several more times each week. Don't get sucked into the black hole of someone else's neediness.

Say no while you still have some leverage! I am not trying to be crude, but if you just got married and starting a brand new life I would not recommend going into it like this! It's hard enough when you are finished raising a family and need to take on a gargantuan job like caring for an elder. Mine are 89 and 93! His mom is only in her Seventies! Nowadays seniors are living until they are in their 90s or more! She is going through a lot losing her husband, she would still be depressed around you guys! She would be much happier in a senior community with others her age to make friends with, and she certainly can still be part of your life! Praying for you all.

You are right with both answers.

Your marriage will suffer a lot more if she does move in.
It has been 3 years since moving my mother in and the biggest regret of my life.
We have no privacy, tied down and mentally exhausted.

From a lifetime of experience being involved with issues like this, please do NOT allow another senior into your life as it will have an effect on you and your marriage. If his mother is suffering from depression and anxiety, and forgetful, it is the beginning of worse times to come. Unless YOU are willing to be the caretaker for his mother, don't do it. Instead, I would encourage both of you to get caretakers for his mother so you don't have your life and marriage affected. Once you have her with you, it will all fall on your shoulders and I don't know what your life is like now - work? Homemaker? Think long and hard. And if you just got married a year ago, I think you and your husband must concentrate on cementing YOUR relationship without added problems. Please do NOT do this....you will be sorry.

As you can see, the majority are saying no, or at least do some serious thinking and asking of questions. While sometimes this works out well, it is usually better if tackled after years of stable marriage, kids older or on their own, etc. Even then it isn't all rosy skies and blossoms!

When they list stress inducing changes in life, your situation hits several of them:

Marriage
House buying
Having children

Not even a year of marriage, you are still more or less newlyweds. There will be many ups and downs over the years that you will have to weather before you can claim a "stable" marriage. You haven't purchased a house yet or had kids.

While those last two are exciting moments in our lives, they are also disruptive and can be seriously challenging or even life-changing. Just trying to care for yourself AND a new baby will be difficult enough without having to worry about another person! It can take months to settle into a good routine, but even then there will be difficult times.

MIL is relatively young by today's standards and really should be living independently. If she is mobile enough and can do ADLs, then some kind of independent living should be the goal. 55+ condos, senior apartments, IL facilities with AL and/or MC associated. She can still visit with you, you with her, make more friends, etc and have her needs met without impinging on you.

I would make a list of pros and cons and have a serious discussion with hubby - NOT with MIL, this is NOT her decision.

What's in it for you two? What's in it for her?
- knowing she's in a safe place
- having a safe zone for later as she declines

Is she paying her way? If not, why not?
- not a good idea to "pool" resources to buy
- she should be paying her own way, rent, utils, etc

How "separate" would this arrangement be, at least initially?
- is she sharing meals or doing her own?
- if you go on vaca or out together, what is her plan?

What are the benefits of some kind of IL not at your home?
- independence for her
- socialization
- potential to increase care as needed via the facility

If/when she needs care, who is going to provide it?
- too often the "woman" gets all the duties
- even if the plan is to share duties, watch out for slides!

What are the down-sides for you two and for her?
- lack of privacy
- invasion of privacy
- driving a wedge between you two
- interfering with child care

Given a new marriage, plans to buy a home, and plans to have a family, these are all going to be issues if you agree to this. As someone else said, try to avoid an outright no to hubby, but rather discuss many of the issues I and others posted and find out what his "plan" is to manage all this.

She is relatively young and should be socializing with people in her own age with similar interests. Staying socially active is beneficial for her health and well-being. She should be addressing depression and anxiety by seeking medical care, not relying on moving in with you all. If she's unhappy, distressed and depressed, how is moving in with you going to change that? Serious question for hubster - happiness comes from within. If her only source of happiness is to cling to her son, you all are in for a rude awakening.

My vote is no, but it is your decision. We are just trying to provide "food for thought."

It's not for everyone, the stress, health issues that can arise for caretakers....the time....the finances
But it can work and it will be stressful and can cause health issues and you would both give up alot and your future children could either hate and resent grandma or become unselfish, loving, caring humans.
If she were in your home, having outside help would be good for her and a must for you both, but getting good help can be so stressful.
But putting them in a nursing home or assisted living can have stress or/ and relieve
I have had 3 family members who needed home care and my husband was one of the main caretakers for 2 of them and I helped for a couple years with my mother who recently died. Not in our home, in theres... it was not easy. Our children were toddlers when it stared and young adults at the end. They recently were saying (with love) that most of their lives we were taking care of a family member. When I look back at what we did, I know that it was only by the Grace of God that we were able to do it.
I think your husband must have such a good heart and if it does not work for her to be in your home, to know he wanted to take care of her that way says alot.
Our aging parents... the ones we love and cherish .... its so so hard
Check resources in her area for what is available for her. Has your husband gone to doctors appointments with her to see what doctors say about her health, is home health care a option?
Is having her in a apartment close by a option?
Read, research, write, talk with your husband and pray.

I will say a prayer for you and your husband.

I am in the midst of writing a directive for my four loving children. I have lived as caretaker for my husband for 15 years, who has been slowly declining into dementia and may soon be gone. I have dealt with the resentment that our last years together have been mainly housebound, and many friends have dropped away because of his constant talk about UFOs, etc., and computer troubles.
I am 83, and I do not wish this on my children. So far I'm in fairly good health and could have ten more years. My directive says that I wish to stay in my house until I start getting too "fuzzy-brained" then either find me an independent living or assisted living arrangement. I don't want them to devote their years after child-raising to caring for me.
Your MIL is still young at 74. She could live 20 more years. Maybe as long as your children will be in your home. Taking her in now may seem like having a live-in maid as she can help you put, but not the full 20 years! Either find her a live-in caretaker in her OWN place to begin with, or sell her home to pay for AL and then apply for Medicaid to pay for it.

Hello Hoosier fan!
My MIL and FIL have been living with us for over 7 years, so far. She is 82 and he's almost 94. 3 years ago, he turned the whole family against us. MIL was kept in the dark about it. We told her but she doesn't believe that her husband could do something that evil. She is an ostrich. Anyway, always tension in this house. FIL is a narcist. He lies and curses a lot. My husband and I both have high blood pressure and take medication, due to the stress here. I actually suffered a stroke in February and was in the hospital a few days. I am 63. As for my husband and me, we have become a stronger couple, for sure. We love each other and cling to one another more now, than ever before. We pray a lot. We talk a lot. We cry a lot, but, we laugh even more....

Very hard position to be in. I lived with my mil for four years, and took care of my paralysed father for 6, all while raising 3 kids as well. Be aware, her depression and anxiety will only worsen with time. It's a common issue among the elderly, no matter what you do to try to improve it. Sadly, it will consume a lot of your time and energy. It's exhausting
The same goes for her health and mobility. When in the role of caregiver, you are essentially fighting a losing battle everyday. They do not get better, they gradually get worse, in mind and body. 😞 With every new diagnoses, or worsening of a chronic conndition, comes more and more daily responsabilities that will be tasked upon you and your husband to manage yourselves.
Set strict personal boundaries from the get go, and keep reinforcing them.
I found out the hard way, that nothing is sacred when an elderly person is not getting their way. They have a tendency to emotionally manipulate the entire household. Kids included.
My mil often attempted to place herself in the same category as tho she were one of our kids.
Playing mom and dad against eachother, jealous when one of our kids would receive something new and she didn't... Same with me. My husband couldn't buy me anything without her throwing a fit.
And honestly, that's just the tip of the iceburg.
Don't get me started on my dad and his crying that everything was elder abuse.
He decided he was tired of being put to bed at 11 p.m. every night, so he proceeded to call the cops. 😂😭😂
The house was to hot/ elder abuse! The house was to cold/ elder abuse!
One minute he would demand I put him in a home,,, then the next minute he's trying to cry on his 9 yr old granddaughters shoulder about me trying to put him in a home.
It's detrimental you and hubby sit down, agree on personal boundaries and put up a united front from the get go.
I also recommend having a strong network of support, back up caregivers/sitters, reach out to to your local dept of aging to secure resources she may qualify for as well.
You and your husband will need breaks, and it's hard when they reach a point where you can no longer leave them alone for even a short amount of time.
Set boundaries with them for the caregivers as well,,, most do not like sitters and will do what they can to chase them off, or make things difficult for them, to where they don't want to come back, or simply cut your alone time short cuz they're sick of it and leaving.
And if it's not a friend or family member helping... They can be very expensive.
These are just a few of my personal recommendations based on my extensive experience caring for an aging parent.
Just things to consider and be aware of.
I also suggest seeking a Facebook support group for caregiving for an elderly parent.. I found mine to be very helpful and informative.
I suggest you join one now simply for more insight into what this kind of journey entails.
Don't get me wrong, there were very loving a beautiful moments in the time spent with them as well, and in many ways it's an obligation as old as time that kids care for their aging parents.
However, it is not easy, and many things crop up that aren't expected. Just when you think your in a stable position and have it all under contol and things are going fairly smoothly,,, something comes up, or happens, where you're finding yourself scrambling to sort out a new normal. (If that makes sense?)
I wish you guys the best. Best for you and your husband, as well as what's best for mom. ❤

so sorry

If you think your marriage will suffer in any event, say no.

It seems to me that on some issues there is variance of opinion on here. Reading through the comments, this is not one of those cases. Every comment I have read (and I scanned quickly so maybe I missed a couple) is not only no, but HECK no.

I have seen this work a couple times in rare circumstances. A good friend of mine suggested to his wife that they bring in HER mother. She was a saint, easy going lady. The MIL refused at first, not wanting to be a burden, so that shows the kind of person she is

But they knew she didn't have a whole lot of time left, and it worked. But that is by far the exception.

Tough spot. Sit down and talk with him about the care that will be required and how that could be accomplished. Does she have a home that could be sold to pay for in-home care for her? Does she have the finances to pay for such care? Money to cover these things will play a big role in putting her in your house if you/he cannot do for her 24/7. There will be accidents and messes to clean up - does he think he can handle it. If you are not willing to take this task on, he needs to know that he will be handling it alone if her finances cannot cover it.

It can create a strain even if both are willing to give it a go. There are doctor appointments and other things that will burn most of a day. Do both of you have ability to take off work whenever you want - or is one of you more free to be off than the other. The one with more leniency will be doing all of these things. More than likely, he is considering this right now because it 'appears' doable and it really might me at the moment. The conversation needs to be about how can she be taken care of when she loses more mobility or mind deteriorates further.

Having a mother in law suite in the home is never a bad idea. It could be used to bring her for periodic visits if she moved to an assisted living facility. Or used for company. It is a plus where your new home is concerned. If I were buying again, I would definitely get as much as I could afford in regard to a separate suite area.

Do NOT do it. Please do a search here and see all the comments about your situation. The stress will overpower your life and you will soon not recognize yourself or your past life.

I am newly married and my MIL was in the beginning stage of Alzheimer’s. I cared for his mother but I ran out of energy to care for him or even myself. He resented me for not spending time taking care of him, making him feel special, and putting him first. His mother needed so much that she came first. He hadn’t thought about that when he said yes to her. My part was I wavered and didn’t come straight out and say No. I caved after weeks of discussion. She has since passed and our beginning memories are not pleasant, they are filled with resentment and sadness. im not sure our marriage will survive and I’m mad at myself for not speaking my truth but I was afraid to say no and thought I was being selfish.

if I were in your spot knowing what I know now, I would hand him Your iPad or sit him down at the computer with this stream of answers, ask him to read it all and then ask him what he thinks the right thing for everyone is given this new information. Then, if necessary state her position.

I am newly married and my MIL was in the beginning stage of Alzheimer’s. I cared for his mother but I ran out of energy to care for him or even myself. He resented me for not spending time taking care of him, making him feel special, and putting him first. His mother needed so much that she came first. He hadn’t thought about that when he said yes to her. My part was I wavered and didn’t come straight out and say No. I caved after weeks of discussion. She has since passed and our beginning memories are not pleasant, they are filled with resentment and sadness. im not sure our marriage will survive and I’m mad at myself for not speaking my truth but I was afraid to say no and thought I was being selfish.

if I were in your spot knowing what I know now, I would hand him Your iPad or sit him down at the computer with this stream of answers, ask him to read it all and then ask him what he thinks the right thing for everyone is given this new information. Then, if necessary state her position.

Run.....away, NOW!!! Him even mentioning it is already too much. 74 is very young still. Her depression will become your depression. Her anxiety will become your anxiety. You are mentally and physically putting your Self in the line of fire. I say, leave the marriage. Your life is already at risk with him considering it, this man is not worth the pain the suffering...this is just the beginning for all of these troubles...Red Flag...unfortunately you did not see this before you got married. You can still get a divorce, and remain friends. Your life is precious, you will never ever be able to go back to enjoy your life if you do this...it is basically death. You will lose your sense of Self. If you have children, the whole household will become this dark endless hole of pain and suffering all of you brought down by one person. I am a believer that medicine has intervened with God's plan/work by keeping people alive that should have passed on naturally. This intervention has caused a segment of family caregivers pain, suffering, financial hardship, a loss of Self, mental illness, and a load of other negatives. I know this may sound cruel or over-the-top...sadly...it's very real.

Show your husband the answers to your post. I took in my own mom almost 7 years ago after discussing with my wonderful husband and we both feeling her health was such that surely it wouldn’t be but just a minor and relatively short inconvenience to us. Wrong! While her health has improved tremendously, ours has declined rapidly and severely due to the unanticipated stress and increasing demands this arrangement has caused. I love my mom. I am and always will remain the dutiful daughter, however, I wish a million times over that I would have never asked my husband could we move my aging mom into our very spacious and accommodating home. Maybe if you share these responses with your husband he will realize that his request, while coming from love and tradition, is hugely problematic. Hopefully he can assuage the guilt and responsibility he feels towards his mom into something constructive like finding a wonderful senior residential living/care community close to family. Good luck.

Worse health crisis time is not good to move in an outside family member. Please get professional advise before making these physical and financial decisions. My prayers go out to you, and Good Luck!

I did that, with my wife’s mother. It was hard, I remember. You’re right. Your marriage suffers either way. But, I would’ve been the bad guy on top of that had I said no. Marriage suffers, or marriage suffers by being the bad person.
After a while, we ended up refinancing, and built her own cottage in our backyard. Now that she’s passed, we get extra income for renting.
Would I do that again? Yes. Again, you’re damned if you do, and especially damned if you don’t. My humble opinion.

Don't do it. She may seem manageable now but think about ten years from now. If you have children they will still be very young and you and your husband will be responsible for their care and ML. That's a lot of stress and strain. You want to be able to enjoy your children, your marriage and your youth. This is a short ride. You should be able to enjoy your life and ML should be able to enjoy hers. I really do feel that she would have a better quality of life if she is in a situation where she can be around others her own age and engage in activities that are designed for her enjoyment. You can't provide that in your home. My mother came to live with me 18 years ago. At 99 years old she is in relative good health but she gets bored and I can't always entertain her. She would have been much happier and fulfilled in an assisted living situation which she could have easily afforded. I regret everyday that I let her come and live with me. Both of us would have been much better off she had not come to live with me.

This is a tough situation for sure, h00sierfan; I look forward to reading the comments. I do think, that at least if your MIL could have her own living space (separate bath, kitchenette), that would be a relative luxury compared to so many folks who don't have that option. Good luck.

I am sure your husband is loving and caring and right now wants to do the best for both you and his mother. The best , from the day he married you, is to focus on you and your marriage. It does not mean he is forgetting his mother. His helping her find the care and living condition that will work well for HER life is what is needed. The care she needs, the type of housing, the dollar cost, etc.

Now possibly he feels that what ever income she has coming in or savings, will help pay for a new home........well that is nothing to what that will cost, in YOU or both, doing the care over time.

Was this something that you had talked about before the marriage?

Time for both of you to sit down and each write on your own piece of paper columns of the plusses and minuses of her moving in with you, now and later. After you have both completed your paper, compare the columns. The proof will be before you. Which column is longer on each of your papers? Also both of your feelings are right in front of both of you. The old saying, the handwriting is on the wall!!

Please listen to the people that have answered your post and even have your husband read through the responses. Having and starting a family is one of the most stressful times in a couples life. It is a joyous time but also a high stress time. My mil moved in when my daughter turned 3 and has been here for 8 years. My husband does all of the taking care of her. I do her laundry. It has been a tremendous time suck. All of his extra time goes towards her pretty much. He's angry all the time bc of what he has to do. Our marriage has suffered a great deal bc of it. We can't go anywhere or do anything. He is an only child. I think she has "brain washed" him by always telling him to take care of your elders growing up. She has been no help to our family. When she got here she came and sat. She doesn't even ask him how his day was when he goes to give her dinner. It's weird. She is 85 now and just recently went into rehab. We had a discussion that we would be putting her in al and that she wouldn't be coming back. I've laid out my feelings and I hate that I had to do it bc I feel like I'm the bad person. The 6 weeks is almost up and I am starting to stress that my husband won't follow through with our discussion. Our relationship has already gotten better in the 5 weeks she has been gone. I guess we shall see if he follows through. I'm not going to bug him about this, I just need him to follow through. Enjoy your young marriage! Find MIL help outside of your home. If she ends up moving in from the beginning it is all your husband's responsibility! Don't do it! I like the idea of finding MIL a place where she can be social. You can develop a relationship with her. Get her on the correct meds for her anxiety and depression. My MIL is manipulative. She's a constant source of stress for me, a source of guilt, and a source of resentment for the hardships on my family and marriage. So sorry you are going through this.

Please please please do not have her move in. My mother moved in with us and is still here. She has Alzheimer’s and I can tell you with absolute certainty that it is a significant strain on a marriage. It is amazing how the boundaries shrink and you don’t even realize it until it is too late - I am basically housebound now because I can’t leave her alone. There are many wonderful facilities which could be suitable and you can visit and take her for outings as much as you like!

She is his mother. He has to look after her. I would definitely set major boundaries, though, if she moves in. And just make sure you have your space and your needs and happiness met. She is his mother, not yours, so feelings are different with regards to her moving in. If she is going to have her own room and her own spot, she needs to respect you and help you out too, as much as she could. Everyone is suppose to help in a household, including the elders.