My husband and I just got married less than a year ago. We are talking about buying our first house, starting a family, and all the exciting steps of a newly married couple. His mother is 74, divorced, and is suffering from depression and anxiety that has gotten much worse during COVID-19. She had a horrible fall last year that cause a traumatic leg injury, but thankfully she is still pretty mobile, but is starting to forget some things. He's asked that we look for homes large enough where she could have a MIL suite or her own live-in area. I'm worried our marriage will suffer if I say yes. I'm worried our marriage will suffer if I say no. Any advice???
Where are the one that keep and nurse their own moms w/out complying? And are proud of being good to them.
This is story old as world: daughters in low cannot stand husbands mother.
Simple as that. Nor they visit and care about when they stuck them in nursing
homes.
But a lot of those women have boys, and they are going to experience same they
done to mother in low. I say will serve them right.
In some cases husbands/sons are wusses that allow that to happen.
Nyet, Nada, Ney, Nei, Nej, Ne, Non - whatever language you like... "Tell him he's dreamin" as an Australian would say.
Get yourself some BIG scissors to cut those apron strings ✂️.
Better to create your "home life" first and assist MIL in in her home. She should be seeing a psychiatrist - regularly - for her mental health issues. If she is starting to forget things, she should be tested by her doctor for dementia. There are many methods to to assist in "reminding" that do not involve her moving in with you. She should be encouraged to be as independent as possible. Your husband's family should create a plan for checking in on "mom" regularly to make sure she is ok.... until her cognition or mental health issues require an assisted living situation (preferably in an assisted living facility).
If I were you, I would steer him in the direction of a home without the MIL suite, maybe looking at the potential to build one on, if needs be, down the road. It will buy you some time, and it might give your husband pause to think whether or not it would be worth the expense to add on, especially if his mom might end up in memory care later on anyway. By the time that rolls around, you might have children and his opinion about moving his mom in might change when he sees how much time kids need.
Listen to all these people!
Just say NO.
So many people come here, having mingled their and their parent's funds to buy "something bigger" only to find that their parent is disqualified from Medicaid because of this.
Just a few weeks ago, a poster's parent was denied Medicaid for LTC because she sold her home at below market price to the person who made her the first offer. It wasn't a relative; just a low bidder. Medicaid requires 5 years of financial statements and there must be no "gifting" (like using parent's funds to help buy a bigger house) or accepting less than market value for any sizable transaction.
Please urge your husband to get his mother's anxiety and depression treated; it will be much easier to determine what her needs are when those are under control.
If he insists, run like hell, he doesn't care enough about you. I like the answer with nothing but a continuous No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no!
That was over 5 years ago. She now has dementia and every single day and night is a constant challenge. We are barely able to keep it together most days but our marriage remains strong. We tell each other all the time that we have to stick together and we will get through this. If caring for my mom was something we had to do at the start of our relationship, we probably wouldn't have made it. It truly is THAT taxing...mentally, physically, emotionally, you are all in. It will be your daily reality.
My honest advice would be to say no. It sounds like your MIL is still pretty mobile and independent so allow her to be as long as possible!!! Once she moves in, she is going to end up that much more dependent and potentially rely on you two to take care of everything. Slowly but surely it will happen. Speak to her doctor, get her on medications to help with the anxiety and depression. Maybe find an independent living facility near you that has the option to move over to assisted living as her needs change. I know it will be difficult during Covid but certainly worth checking out. If you are looking forward to buying a house and starting a family then that's what you should do. The fact that you have immediate doubts should be a red flag. I know it's easier said than done but we went into our situation with both eyes open, both in total agreement for what needed to be done and it is still an impossibly difficult situation!!! But, gratefully, we have each other and we won't let anything destroy our relationship.
First, was he a hands on father or left it all to You? You can expect more of same.
Do you get along with her? Will she take direction from you? It's tough.
AL is crazy high. I don't get why just room and board in a safe environment costs thousands each month. If they have to lift a finger, that gets higher quickly.
If it's in your head that it isn't a good idea, trust your instincts. However, if you are just nervous, consider how she will fit in. What are her needs? Strengths? Can she get her own breakfast, for instance?
Although I typically give mom breakfast she can get it herself. But she will forget. So I go behind her on those days, make sure she took her meds, etc.
Have you voiced your concerns to your husband? What does he say? Can y'all split certain duties? It's a big undertaking. Do you have options for respite care? It requires communication. My husband's mostly bedridden but complains of being bored. I get resentful because I'm doing everything! It's my mom but he agreed. I get resentful of my sister, as well, because she goes on vacations. I haven't spent 2 days in a row out of this house since moving in 3 years ago!
I'm not trying to tell you yes or no, because it's such a personal decision, like getting married! But you are right in taking time to consider everything.
My moms would have cost about $4,500/ month but when we moved in she wanted to charge us rent! I almost moved right back out! Then she kept throwing in my face that we weren't paying rent. And she told me to get rid of our 2 little dogs she doesn't have to see, because they're on a different level. (But she loved babysitting my sister's dog. Notice the pattern?) What do you do? Keep reminding her that she's losing her memory and the alternative is for her to leave her home and pay thousands of dollars a month? OK so I did finally break down and tell her that. She said I won't go! I said They'll force you! Who? Social workers and the police! She shut up. I felt awful. She forgot the whole conversation and 2 hours later reminded me that we don't pay rent, and asked what's for dinner. (We pay for all household expenses!)
I hope I gave you some insight.