My husband and I just got married less than a year ago. We are talking about buying our first house, starting a family, and all the exciting steps of a newly married couple. His mother is 74, divorced, and is suffering from depression and anxiety that has gotten much worse during COVID-19. She had a horrible fall last year that cause a traumatic leg injury, but thankfully she is still pretty mobile, but is starting to forget some things. He's asked that we look for homes large enough where she could have a MIL suite or her own live-in area. I'm worried our marriage will suffer if I say yes. I'm worried our marriage will suffer if I say no. Any advice???
It has been a struggle. We ageee that it is her right to be cared for at home as long as possible, and our responsibility to do so. However, her dysfunctional patterns and stranglehold on my husband's time and attention (plus her benzodiazepine addiction, now resolved, that made life very difficult for a while) have really challenged us.
What has hurt us is her resentment of me (this was HER house for many years), my husband's health issues and desire to enjoy his retirement, and our total lack of privacy, time together, and freedom to travel or be spontaneous.
What has helped us, after some deeply traumatic conflicts, has been setting clear boundaries (and I had to really push my husband to back me up), coming up with agreed-upon strategies to handle her vicious tongue, her nosiness, her manipulations (even her doctor finally told her to quit making us take her to the ER every time she didnt get her way), her attempts to drive wedges between the two of us and set everyone on the family against each other, her tantrums, etc.....you get the idea. She's not easy and we only half joke that she's going to outlive us all.
This could be a source of unending bitterness but we have been able to navigate so far. The key for us has been to stay united and strategize our responses. We have used behavior modification techniques to tone down some of her behaviors, and are daily learning when to stand and when to bend. And it works, mostly. She has become more independent, we manage her meds to avoid any more substance abuse problems, and we carved out some privacy and independence for ourselves.
Now, due to my DIL's acute alcoholism and a messy divorce, I have daytime caregiving responsibilities for very young grandchildren (3 and an autistic 6 year old) so the tables are somewhat turned and MY difficult family members are posing an intrusion and disruption -- the techniques and strategies we hammered out dealing with MIL are helping.
I can't say having MIL (or grandbabies) in residence has been easy, or always particularly enjoyable, but there are ways to make it manageable.
You are a very helpful and wise woman! You should be a therapist!! We have been though similar scenarios with my FIL who is 93 and lives with us. My MIL takes care of him and she is only 82. This helps a lot, but we have to clean up after these two. We manage, but it does get tiring. Separate vacations and no privacy for now. As my father used to say, this too shall pass. Take care of yourself. You are awesome!!!
By the way, that’s a huge age difference between his mother and him if he is only starting a family with you. But, that’s neither here nor there.
DON’T DO IT
I'm in a similar situation. MIL stays over A LOT - 2/3 nights a week it used to be. She used to help with childcare was the excuse but now its not so much.
Now shes a nice enough lady my MIL. But shes 80 and does have her moments and does tend to take over a little. If I saw her now and again, I'd have zero problems with her. Kids especially my youngest aged 7 love her to bits and shes so good to them as well - youngest always says "is nanna staying?" (look of horror from me).
I've tried to explain to my wife, yes you're mother is nice enough. BUT shes my MIL I didn't marry her. If my best friend was sitting at the dinner table 3 nights a week I'd get sick of them being here. My just thinks "shes harmless enough, the kids love her, why can;t she stay". I try and remind her - how many husbands would be ok with their mil staying every week?
Part of the problem we've got is when MIL stays with us the siblings bail out and think "problem sorted". There are 4 of them but they go into hiding. For them, they'd love if MIL moved in full time with us.
Dunno if you're the same? Can your husb see this? Its his mother you're MIL after all.
Even worse at the moment for us, MIL has been at home for months (Its been nice!) but is now full tilt wanting to stay all the time. Don't want to be mean but lets stick to a few days....
so I say Don’t do it!
Let MIL stay at her own home and find a day companion/sitter for her. Visit when you can. Do not start providing all the care for her. It will be a strain on your young marriage and you will have no privacy!
My dad moved his mom into our home when I was a teen/young adult. I used to think she was this wonderful lady, but she was a horror for my mother. Mom hated to come home from work each day once another woman infiltrated her space, which made for an extremely tense household. To her credit, mom put her foot down & told dad: “She goes or I go!” And dad moved his mom out. Mom & Dad are still together in their late 70s now, having been high school sweethearts, but they never would’ve made it if the MIL stayed.
She suffered from anxiety, depression, obsession, personality disorder, jealousy and all other emotional issues.
She thought she was the woman of my house going against me with everything. She had NO life of her own and wanted to be included in everything. She tried with all her might to come in between our marriage but it didn't work. My husband and I actually became closer after we ended up getting her out. She now lives right next door which is still annoying but its better than seeing her everyday.
It is best to help your husband help her into a senior living facility where she can be with people her age and if she decides to feel sorry for herself, she doesn't have to affect your life.
Good luck! I pray it all works out for you!!
My rent went up over $80.00 a month which I couldn't afford. I wanted to move into a senior living apt building but my lease at the old place never managed to match when the new place had an available apt.
My son lives in Wisconsin, I live in Ohio. I suggested to my son that I put my stuff in storage and stay with them until the new apt. had an opening, then move back to Ohio, take stuff out of storage and move into new place. (I would pay them rent).
They came up with a better idea. If an apt. became available within two to three months before my lease was up, to go ahead and take it and they would pay rent on old apt. while I paid for new apt. That worked. I got the new apt. 2 months before my lease ran out. I was able to move in slowly and time it so my church friends could help me move.
At first I was beginning to wonder if my son and daughter weren't thrilled with me moving in, even temporary. But.... spent Christmas with them this past year and my son, who has ptsd had a really bad episode. I got to see first hand what my daughter in law was having to go through with him. I was able to get some time alone with her and told her I thought she was a saint for putting up with that and thanked her for hanging in there.
I had my mother in law live with me off and on for years. I loved her and we got along great. But I was lucky it worked out that way. I'm thankful that my own son and daughter in law wanted to spare me from having to deal with my son having melt downs that he really couldn't help. And they made it possible for me to move into a great apartment with people my own age.
Having said all this, you are in a new marriage. You need your own space. Help her find a senior apartment that has stuff going on (or at least will have after the virus restrictions get better). You'll all be better off. All of you.
He was blessed to have a wife that loves him through it. I believe that he will recover and in a large part because of her. He chose well!
Found wonderful Assisted Living facility where she has been for last 18 months. She is very comfortable & content there.
AND what has happened in last 18 mos.? She came down w/ severe case of Covid 19 was in ICU & Rehab for extended period ( now back @ AL & doing great 🙏) AND my husband passed away suddenly 😥 in May ....NO WAY I could handle her here thru all that ...not to hubby & I were married 35+ Years ...no newlywed needs this ...SAY NO
Hope it all works out for you. Keep us posted. ❤️🙏❤️
May God grant you grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time. May your path be lighted by HIS presence. 🤗
I read through several of the responses.
I’m curious: What is your current living situation? Do you need to buy another house soon? Maybe waiting to buy another home until after you have a child. That will give you more time to get to know your MIL. I’m thinking negative but is your husband the one wanting to buy another home?
I’m curious about your MIL’s current living situation. How close does she live to you now in an apt, private family home, rent, Senior housing? What are her finances? Could she continue to live on her own? What was your MIL’s behavior (Pleasant?partipating? Helpful? Or Critical? Meddling? Rude?) at your wedding?
Did and and do you enjoy having her around? How does your husband act with her around? Did he get anxious and/or inconsiderate to you? OR Does he include you as aTEAM when helping his Mother? Do you take the lead when his Mother was ill or do you support his taking the Lead? How does he treat his Mom?
What family support does your husband have nearby for his Mother?
Ask yourself some of these few questions, Make aPros and Cons list together with your husband.
sending you a hug!
Now that we have my grandies he is mostly responsible for her needs, and I don't expect him to take care if the grandies.
It is very unwise to just let the situation dictate itself, as we did the first year or so of our marriage, without sitting down and hashing these things out.
Our biggest problem is that MIL has stirred up enough conflict and hurt enough feelings among the rest of the family that no one else is willing to help care for her.
5 Second Rule: Say it in the beginning, quickly. Save yourself hang wringing angst and emotional distraught, worry and future resentment. People will always expect us to do what they want us to do, even if it’s subconsciously.
“NO honey, I don’t want to care your mother in our home. I’m not going to start our new marriage/ life with me as her caregiver.”
Hope this helps someone.
Hope this is an encouragement.
Ask how HE plans on the physical care of his mother-particularly when she declines, and she will decline. Ask how HE will ensure, as she declines, how HE will ensure round-the-clock care. Ask how HE will take on the physical care of her HIMSELF.
How often will HE drive her to places she wants to go. How is HE going to entertain her.
Way too often, it's the DIL who ends up caring for the MIL while the Son/Hubby goes on his merry way. In your talk with deciding this, whether Yes or No, HE MUST understand this is HIS mother and the burden-responsibility-good fortune falls to him. HE is the primary should you two decide Yes.
So I think you are spot on with your advice to @h00sierfan.
My 82 years young mother recent lost her second husband from cancer leaving her basically penniless. My sister and I stepped in to help her only to find many past due medical bills, no retirement savings, and an upside down mortgage on their home leaving me with some feelings of resentment for their irresponsibility. I never once considered suggesting to my new husband that she come live with me. Instead I did all I could to help her find a cheaper place to live within her budget on her small SS monthly check. And made it very clear to her that she would pay her way.
I won’t drone on about my personal story. Just beware. Discuss it thoroughly with your new husband. Just know that you will be better off by far if your MIL is feeding herself, at her own dinner table, and far enough away to not engage in your affairs as you create your new life. You need your privacy...if you catch my drift...
And shame on you for trying to guilt h00sierfan into doing it.