He lies in bed 24 hours a day. I gave up a trip to Spain bc he said he couldn’t be alone. He promised he would take anti-anxiety meds but he never did. Now he’s needing PT after a stay in the hospital but he won’t do it. He just wants to be taken care of. I’m sorry he’s had cancer for 10 years but he’s made choices as to how to live. I just turned 70 and want to get out and do things, travel, see the world. I know I’ll be harshly judged if I leave. But none of my friends or family have been through this, they all have active social lives. Meanwhile, he lives in his bedroom all day and night. I want my own apartment, where I can live my own life but still check in on him as needed. I don’t feel I’m in love with him though I do care about him. When is it my turn to live? I am so depressed and lonely and see no end in sight.
Yep, it’s divorce time I think.
Have you ever asked him why he spends so much time in bed?
If you combine a place to escape to with some home health-care for him, that would give you a break. It also gives you time to think about if you really want to stay with him, long-term. You care about him, but aren’t in love. That could be thoughtfully considered in a quiet place of your own.
If you find yourself reluctant to return home to him after spending some time in your space, that will give you all of the information that you need about the direction that your life needs to take. If, on the other hand, you feel differently, that will be helpful too.
My ex husband 5"6 was 350 lbs, diabetic. I saw my life at 50 as not a very fun future. I left him and he got control of his diabetes and lost 100 lbs. I suspect if I stayed he probably would be gone by now.
Leaving was the best thing for both of us.
If your husband had cancer 10 years there is no reason that he cannot function while you take days or even weeks off. He needs perhaps someone hired for those weeks and you could use any agency such as Visiting Angels with their minimum of four hours per day three days per week, to come in, do cleanup and make a few meals.
There are emergency numbers for him to call.
If you have enabled him over 10 years to be this needy I don't quite know what to say. You are walking the streets, shopping, cleaning with cancer patients every day. I am one of them and walk miles a day. He isn't in Hospice dying over a period of 10 years, so why have YOU stopped living? That's on YOU.
You don't give us details of his needs.
As to can you leave him? Sure. As to the judgement of others? Who cares. That's all up to you. A Forum of oddball strangers don't mean a fig in how you must live your life.
I wish you the best. Take your trips. Arrange it with good setup. Unless he is actively dying it will be good for you both to have a break. Care can be arranged as a part of the cost of your trip.
What reason does he give for not taking his anti-anxiety meds?
You can draw up paperwork (seperation or divorce) and show them to him, informing him that you're burnt out because he doesn't participate in his own improvement and your marriage is basically dead. If he continues to refuse anxiety/depression meds, refuses to join you in couples therapy you will physicallyleave (you can also show him an unsigned lease agreement of a place you've picked out). Hopefully showing him how serious it is snaps him out of it.
Is he physically able to get around? Drive? Do ADLs? If so make a clean break and start living. If not you can arrange care for him or he can go into a LTC facility, or hospice.
"I want my own apartment, where I can live my own life but still check in on him as needed."
Is this guilt talking? This is called enabling. I would not do this... instead I would make a clean break in a new place, finding new non-judgmental friends and move on with my life before it's too late.
We are taught "until death do us part," but more and more it isn't death that parts us! It's their anger, their alcoholism, drug addiction, their horrible kids from a previous marriage. Or they won't contribute to household expenses. Worse, yet, they steal from you. Or hit you. Or your kids. On and on and on. Thank goodness for divorce! We deserve to be respected, treated with kindness, and safe in our own homes. We deserve love.
If a marriage is lacking those things, it's time to go. There's little stigma in leaving a bad marriage these days.
Why don't you have your husband placed in the appropriate facility where he will receive that care he requires and you can just be his advocate and wife and still have a life of your own, while knowing that your husband is being looked after?
That way you can still go and do the things you enjoy, so you won't be so depressed and lonely.
It would be win win for you both....husband gets the care he requires and you get back some of your life.
(I mention this because if he can not physically get up and out of bed then it is a safely matter and he can not be left alone. And if that is the case you can say that you can no longer care for him safely at home and make plans to either getting full time caregivers or placing him in Skilled Nursing. Skilled Nursing would be necessary as AL can not use equipment to transfer someone)
You can leave for an hour, 3 hours, a day, 3 days, 3 weeks how ever long you want.,
Will you get flack from friends and family? probably. Probably not if they know what you have been dealing with.
You can continue on or you can go about your life and do the travel you want.
You can make this a legal separation or divorce.
I would discuss this with a lawyer so that this would not be perceived as "abandonment". You also want to protect yourself financially.
Sorry about all of this, no way to live.