A couple of days ago he stopped talking to me and says I am the cause. He still drives and if I ask him to take me to Drs for appt. He says “all I am is your chauffeur. I do not know what I did to cause his behavior. He will not eat anything I offer him. He seems to hate me!
Ellie5940, there are too many reasons this can happen, UTI's included - you need to alert his physician to find out the cause of this drastic change, and see if it can be reversed before a pattern-change sets in.
Praying for you.
We found mom an AL facility and some medication from the psychiatrist and she’s happier. They always have been adversarial so this works well. I don’t want them together 24/7, it’s not good for HER. He visits and they are polite to each other. Asked if they wanted to move into the AL together (same room) both quickly said NO!
The filters are off. Whatever he has thought comes out plus craziness with it!
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/husband-was-diagnosed-with-alzheimers-this-year-he-is-80-years-old-and-is-very-mad-at-me-439348.htm
I hope she has called 911 as suggested.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/husband-was-diagnosed-with-alzheimers-this-year-he-is-80-years-old-and-is-very-mad-at-me-439348.htm
Yes, in Moms NH setting, it’s very interesting to observe the various ways that the residents behave. I’m there every day so I get to follow some of their “progress” or decline. She is not on the dementia floor, but it’s obvious that many have it in some stage. Some are mild, some mean, some crabby, some nonverbal, some talk crazy and are definitely inside their own heads. Every single one is different. She is the happiest one there, but I do wonder if they are just farther along than she is? She never was “meek” as you mentioned...she was a single mom and a career woman as they called it back then. Very independent and held her own in a mans environment, and taught me to do the same. Always a positive person. I wonder sometimes about the previous lives of the mean and crabby ones. And I also notice that those rarely have family visit. Are they crabby because they have no visitors, or vise-verse? It’s a fascinating place to observe people.
So there's some genetic history and common causality there. But I also wonder if meek women are more prone to being targets of aggressive men, formerly in authoritative positions. (As I read that over, I realize I'm not connecting or articulating my thoughts that well, but it's still early for me!).
Rocket, your mother sounds like a basically happy person. So, I wonder, is her dementia affecting a different part of her brain, or is the dementia more related to her lifelong personality, i.e., does dementia manifest in different ways depending on the person's own individual personality? I suppose that's a common conclusion, common sense perhaps. Still....I wonder....
Ellie, his former profession as a police officer explains a LOT. He would have become accustomed to being in control, of having authority and power over others. I'm not saying he would misuse that power, but it is a LOT of power to wield.
You wrote that you cry a lot - that could be interpreted as weakness to a man who has been in a profession of showing strength. And it could be a reminder of what he's going to lose, one way or another, through dementia. I'm guessing he's a kind of "suck it up!" guy? Was he by any chance in the military at one time in his life?
But now he's losing control...of something that's probably the most important to each of us - our own lives. I think that happens to others in similar professions of being paid to exert a measured and appropriate amount of control over the lives of others, under specific circumstances.
BTW, I was unable to find your new update. Is it on this thread? Also, could you update your profile to enable others to see your answers? I searched for another thread but couldn't find it, so as yet I haven't seen your latest update.
Rockektjcat and Ahmi, our brains still hold mysteries to be discovered, especially relating to dementia. I'm still working on getting better acquainted with mine, as it often surprises me!
It seems that the portions affected must control emotions and rational thinking, but also behavior, because those seem to be fairly common with those who have some form of dementia. Pretty obvious, I guess. From there, the different kinds can manifest in different ways. But I think there is a commonality.
I've wondered if the different strains of dementia arise from the source...i.e., I've noticed that when I'm stressed and eat too much chocolate, it sometimes calms me, but if it's food that's not dark chocolate and has a different composition (with refined sugar and refined flour), I respond differently, more like a scatterbrain and unable to think clearly. (That' the best reason to get rid of the goodies, which I did when I threw them out last week.)
I don't know enough about the brain (my own included) to know which parts can and are affected, beyond that the nerve endings are apparently one where the connections are severed - telomeres and something like that. I think amazing progress has been made though in the connection between dementia and football injuries. However, most of us don't play football and presumably don't suffer concussions.
Please stop guessing and doubting yourself.
If your husband has been someone who verbally abused you during your entire marriage and you're done with, that's one thing.
But if this has been a good marriage of true partners and now he's verbally abusive all of a sudden, you need to call his doctor and say " he's acting crazy, paranoid and abusive. I'm afraid for my safety. What should I do?"
In our area we have Vera House which is an advocacy group for women who are being emotionally/sexually abused. Your situation has a twist in that your husband also has possible dementia, (has he actually been diagnosed?) but a similar group in your area may help lead you to more action plans or support. Just a thought.
GA, I’ve been pondering the same question you raised...what is happening inside the mind of our loved ones. My Mom was always a happy and sweet lady. Even with her dementia progressing, and subsequent vision loss, amazingly she was still happy and singing and seemingly unconcerned about her condition and never complained. She has started on Namenda about a month ago in an attempt to deal with sundowning, and now she seems to be a little more aware of what’s going on. She can hold a better conversation and seems a little sharper. But she also seems a little more fearful or afraid of her surroundings, a little sadder than I’ve ever seen and has gotten more needy for my presence to reassure her that she’s safe and well taken care of. Yesterday she said she doesn’t “ like herself”. Never heard that before. Not sure if it’s the medication or just progression of the dementia, but I’m not liking this new “awareness”.
I wish some of the people so intent on creating and perfecting Artificial Intelligence devices would focus on more widespread needs such as developing an AI robot that can similar dementia. I'm sure all those geniuses could create a brain with placques and discover something that's beneficial to medical science.
Trouble is, we don’t live in their world or in their minds. And like you wrote, Medical science has yet to pinpoint the reasons why anger and paranoia can be such a huge part of Alzheimer’s and dementia. They yell at, insult us and carry on and we always seem to be a step behind them. They’ve moved on and we’re still smarting from the accusations. It is sad and frightening. For everyone involved.
If so, I often wonder as well if they recognize that they're slipping away, losing cognitive function, and become frightened or resentful (or both), and lash out at others in frustration. Or perhaps that resentment is a function of which area of the brain is specifically compromised at that point in time. I don't know if medicine has progressed to the point that it can identify which portions of the brain have been compromised and where the placques are.
It's such a sad and frightening disease.
Your hubby is not the person you remember him as. And, if he could go back to that time and see himself now, he’d probably be shocked and upset. When my mother was in a nursing home with dementia, she told me once that “someone” told her her aide was her daughter. I spent a half-hour saying “No, Mom. I’M your daughter!” It was fruitless, but she was very accepting about this aide being her daughter so I finally gave up.
I agree, if you don’t drive and if it’s possible, learn. If not, investigate whether your city offers door to door community transport services like ours does. Since this is a sticking point with your husband, you’ll need to find an alternative. Frankly, he probably shouldn’t be driving anyway.
We tend to sound like broken records when we say check for urinary tract infections, but they can be awful in seniors. My meek and mild mother became combative when she had one and wound up tied to the bed in the hospital.
As for eating, put the food in front of him and leave it. He will eat when he’s hungry enough. If he attempts to cook for himself, supervise from a distance, but let him. If he should by some chance throw the food on the floor, silently clean it up, wash the dish, put it away and leave the room.
Please come back and let us know how you’re doing. Someone is always here to listen!