My husband has been estranged from his dad for over 25 years, long story. Now he wants to reconnect. My husband is conflicted. Thoughts?
My MIL had cancer. She died. FIL hooked up with his old childhood neighbor who happened to be volunteering at the hospital where my MIL died and she moved into his home just a few weeks after my dear MIL died. She was a widow. They had gone to school together as children but was a complete stranger to us.
Shortly afterwards they moved several states away and we haven’t seen him in over 25 years. He tried to force the new woman in his life down our throats immediately after my MIL died. We couldn’t even grieve as a family. It was awful. If he wanted to be with her, that’s fine. We wanted time to mourn our loss.
We didn’t begrudge him from moving on with his life. We only wanted to grieve properly and get to know the other woman in time.
This other woman wanted to be ‘Queen Bee’ which is odd to me. She couldn’t accept that we needed to grieve a mother that we were very close to. She wanted to be instant mom to us and grandma to our kids. It was awkward and weird. If things had been able to develop naturally it would have been different.
He allowed her to dominate him. We ended up seeing her true colors and she had a nasty personality.
She told him to jump and he asked how high? She constantly lied. She caused a lot of trouble and grief. He is at fault too. He went along with it so he wouldn’t lose her. She threatened to leave him if he didn’t do everything she asked for.
They traveled extensively and bought a new home, etc.
He hasn’t spoken to us in over 25 years. Well, his lady friend finally died at 95 years old and he moved back to our home town of Louisiana in an assisted living facility about an hour away.
He called my husband and left a message to call him back. My husband has very conflicted feelings. My husband wasn’t even going to call back. I mentioned that he may not want to have regrets so he decided to call him.
My husband is hurt because his dad threw us out like garbage and now is telling my husband that he misses him and wants to see him. I told him that I support whatever he decides.
His father is 96 years old. I am not interested in seeing him unless my husband wants me to. My husband understands because his dad was very nasty with me. My children feel like grandpa forgot about them. They don’t have any interest in him anymore. Let’s face it. There are hurt feelings. My children would most likely go if they were asked to visit but he is a stranger to them. The oldest daughter remembers him from a small child. The younger daughter doesn’t even remember him.
He hasn’t decided if he wants to see him or not and it is his dad and his choice.
Has anyone else had a strained relationship with an estranged father who has been selfish and neglected their family and now at the end of their life because his lady friend died wants to reconnect? Any suggestions? Advice? Or just thoughts on the topic? Thanks.
89 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- I am wondering what do you do when your mother has allowed one of her kids to take over so much that I’m not even involved in her death?
- Advice on comments made for my ailing Mom?
- 95 year old father still bossing me around...
- My 90 year old dad has trouble communicating to us that he is not feeling well, and has told us it would be our fault if he falls down.
My husband and his siblings had nothing to do with their father for years.
When we first got married, my husband somehow tracked his father down (he was living in CT, we were in Westchester, NY.).
Ok....comes the day they were to meet. I go with my husband to the visit. “Dad” lived in a subsidized senior apartment building.
We ring the bell, ex dad comes down in the elevator to see who is buzzing his apartment. I recognized him quickly due to physical family traits (they all looked like each other). The dead beat dad (& he was- left 4 kids under 10, never paid child support, etc) gets off the elevator, comes out asking who is looking for him.
My poor husband. Said to that man who came out of the elevator “what’s the matter, dad, can’t recognize your own son?”. Well the deadbeat dad began trembling he was so taken aback.
That broke my heart.
Imagine how they must feel - your husband & mine, with all the hurt they kids went through because FIL liked his alcohol & women & chose them instead of their offspring.
My husband was just curious about meeting his dad and to his credit did not hold back his feelings to his father at that one meeting.
I for one do not think your husband owes his father anything. From an outsider looking back at the DH/deadbeat dad meeting, I saw nothing but sorrow come out of it. My husband left very disappointed, his dad was left shaking as he didn’t expect the visit. But it satiated my husband’s curiosity & he never made contact again. He was contacted as next of kin when dad died alone and penniless in Tifton, GA. My husband did arrange for dad’s cremation and we had him interred at Arlington National Cemetary. My husband did this only because he has a big heart.
So, no. Things can never return to how they were. In some instances you can indeed “never go back”. This is one of those instances.
I worry that your DH is going to gets his heart broken all over again- the floodgates will open with all those feelings of being abandoned and not being loved by your parent and the memories of FIL & how he disrespected MIL when she passed.
The time to reconnect has passed, & again the FIL is being selfish & maybe looking to guilt trip your husband.
Whatever your husband chooses to do, be ready for a roller coaster of feelings either way.
Maybe a cursory phone call but maybe not. That’s entirely up to your hubby as long as it’s his choice and he does what he feels comfortable doing.
I don’t care for absentee parents waltzing back into the lives of their children and expecting the child to just put the past away & now care for them because they are elderly & there is no one left.
I would shield DH from more heartbreak. His father isn’t going to change now, and has to be accountable for his past behaviors.
Good luck & I hope whatever path your husband chooses is one he feels most comfortable with.
Families. Can’t chose them, unfortunately. But parents too should be called out and made accountable for their past.
Thank you, just thank you a million times over as a concerned wife who has seen pain first hand! Your words mean more to me than you will ever know.
Look, healing is beautiful if it can occur but it isn’t always possible. It’s my husband’s choice however he decides. It’s between the two of them. I’m out of it. Not my decision to make.
Years pass, she - at least - is over and done.
Your FIL is very old. I think your DH needs to try to look ahead five years from now, and think about the terms on which he wants to have parted from his father. All things are possible, it's for him to decide. If you can, keep out of it.
I did. I am not interested in reconnecting with him. If my husband asks me to, I will consider it. But as of now, I am not emotionally connected to him. I’ve done my healing.
It’s been over 25 years since we have seen him. See, that complicates things for hubby too. He already lost his dad years ago. His dad is looking for peace I guess. But I have to tell you that neither of us expect him to apologize for the way they acted. They never owned accountability for anything. Never, ever apologized. Truly don’t think he will now and really all we wanted was a dad and grandpa. He had that chance and blew it. He chose the woman. Some people do that. I wish they would have allowed a relationship to develop naturally. Then it may have worked out.
My brother’s fourth wife chose my brother over her kids. Both of her sons are adults now and are sitting in jail cells for theft, drugs, etc. She was never around when they were growing up, abandoned them to fool around with my brother. Her sons turned to drugs. They had to steal to support their habits. Now they have long jail sentences. She actually said to me one day, “My rotten kids are in jail for drugs and stealing because I wanted a life when they were teenagers and dated your brother. What did I do wrong?”
My brother was married at the time she started dating him. She was married. They didn’t care about hurting their spouses or kids and she didn’t think that her actions were not the best choice when raising kids!
She was angry at her sons because they didn’t want anything to do with her lover, my brother while she was married to their dad. A freakin soap opera!
Well, she has my brother because he’s now too old to run around on her like he did with the other three wives. He has health issues and she is now more like a nurse now than a young lover. Karma is a bitch!
She is about 20 years younger than my brother. It cost her sharing a life with her sons. Worth it? Not to me. But whatever...some people don’t value their kids or grandkids.
For myself, I would try to develop a relationship with dad. Course that is easy for me to say, as I lost my dad 50 years ago, and he will never be coming back.
Stay out of it, this is a decision for your husband, alone. You do not want to be in the situation when dad dies, then hubs regrets he did not try to develop a relationship with his dad. In fact, if I were you I would encourage and support hubs to reconnect with his dad.
Let go of the hurt and anger.
We certainly did not disapprove of him moving on with his life. We did want to grieve and mourn for a my MIL which is normal. I ended up in therapy. The therapist said she and FIL overstepped boundaries by not allowing us to grieve and trying to force herself on us immediately after my MIL died.
The woman was very odd, as was hubby’s dad for wanting an instant relationship with us. Doesn’t work that way. Not with death or a divorce.
A relationship has to develop naturally over time and shouldn’t be forced, especially on my kids. She was a complete stranger and not a nice one, at that. The only way I can explain it is, she expected to be ‘Queen Bee’ and be something special in our lives immediately and we didn’t even know her. We were grieving and she wanted me to host elaborate dinner parties. of course she didn’t cook ever! She had a cook, maid, country club life when her husband was alive. So my FIL catered to her like that so he could keep her. She threatened to leave him if he didn’t give her everything she wanted. It was odd. She was extremely spoiled. My MIL was a down to earth woman, the opposite. Why was he attracted to her? Who knows?
If they had allowed us to grieve and then get to know her, perhaps it could have been different.
The only thing I would throw in is whether Dad wants to reconnect truly for the sake of the relationship or because he expects son to care for him. That would be something that would tip the scales for me if I were in DH’s shoes.
Good luck to your DH... you are right that supporting him as he works through this is the best thing you can do in a very crummy situation.
He didn’t marry her. She refused to marry. She wanted the travel, new house, gifts, fine dining, etc. but she wanted to make sure her kids got her money from her deceased hubby so in her words she, “didn’t want to mix up finances and just live off of his money.”
He was very frugal with his money before her. My husband’s mom was frugal too. I’m glad he saved some for assisted living. Hope he doesn’t run out of money.
I don’t blame you one stinking bit. It is your choice, no one else’s. It’s very personal. You must do what is right for you. Good for you. You figured out what that is. My husband isn’t at that point yet.
But I can tell you this. Even if his dad dies today, my husband emotionally lost his dad years ago. I bet you feel the same way. If someone isn’t available then how can they have a place in our hearts?
Also, if they are emotionally abusive, how can we feel connected to them? I’m preaching to the choir because you have obviously lived with this in your experience with your mother, right?
Hey, thanks again. Appreciate the input, a whole lot. I really do. I wish it were better for you with your mom, us with FIL but some things can’t be fixed. We’ll see...
I think you were absolutely right; the father has reached out to his son at the end of his life. He has almost certainly had some suffering at this disconnect from family, and there is a good chance, if the son refuses any connection that he will have to live with guilt and questioning himself all the rest of his life. I would encourage the son to do whatever brings HIM the most PEACE now and ongoing. When there is no connection this long a man is left having to choose between his new wife and his family. Very sad, and very difficult. Now she is gone and he doesn't have to make that uncomfortable choice that would cause him daily pain no matter which choice he made.
It is time to let go of hatred and pain, to my mind. There is no reason to have a lot of connection, not to do the "grandpa" thing, as they don't know one another, and are basically strangers. But I think it may give peace ongoing to reconnect. I would leave this to my husband with a full, generous heart, and all my support for his personal choice. Forgiveness helps the one who forgives more than the one who is forgiven in all truth. It brings true peace. We cannot always understand the choices of another, and forgiveness isn't dependent on that. But that's me. Your own choice would be up to you.
You make valid points. It’s so very true, some men can’t be alone after losing a wife. He wanted the marry this old childhood neighbor that he found again because she was volunteering at the hospital where my MIL was being treated for cancer. Ironic, huh? She had no interest in marriage. They lived together as companions while wearing their previous wedding bands from deceased spouses. Weird!
There isn’t any hatred from us. More like indifference, absolutely no good memories of her. She was hateful. We don’t feel anything for her. She was a stranger that wrecked our lives. Anyway, I feel FIL is somewhat different. He was in a vulnerable position and he allowed her to take advantage of him, emotionally and financially. I’m glad he is in an assisted living facility and is being looked after. We don’t hate him. The closeness is gone. We haven’t seen him in over 25 years. He made his choice. My husband played the voice mail for me. He sounds extremely weak like he is at death’s door. I don’t want my husband to have any regrets about not seeing him before his death is all. I am fully aware that only my husband can decide and I am not going to try to influence him in any certain direction. He needs to figure this out himself. Last time I stepped in to help my children and I were trampled on so...it’s their ballgame. I do support whatever hubby chooses.
Me? I would let sleeping dogs lie...people do not change and the old hurts will never be gone, and possibly will be renewed. Hugs to you and your kids, who grew up knowing they were not wanted by him. It’s a horrible feeling and many of us know it. Let us know what you decide to do.
The vast majority of the reunions turned out positive. Only a few were the adults didn't want any contact with the grown child.... to me, that is so hurtful.... but your hubby's Dad made the first move wanting to reunite.
I think it would be best for hubby to go see Dad, otherwise once Dad passes without hubby ever seeing him, that may weigh heavy on him wondering the "what ifs".
As AlvaDeerm had mentioned in her post, widowers tend to seek out a new mate as they can't deal with being alone. And yes, I feel that hubby's father ran too quickly to make this happen. I even seen this happen in my family tree marrying only a month after their wife had passed, especially if there were very young children at home...... yet widows didn't remarry until many years later, if at all.
Thus, I think hubby should see his Dad. He can always shut the door if this becomes too emotional for both sides.
Yep, his dad is 96! May not be much time left. I see your point and these family situations are always sad. I agree. I support him whatever he decides with no judgment. It’s his dad.
This is all in the past. Not saying it wasn't awful, in every way possible---but FIL cannot have a lot of time left.
This is up to your dad. He can make an effort and try to clear the air and let it be the same and there's no closure, or he can attempt to close this out on a 'higher' note.
Neither is right and neither is wrong. It just is.
I had a brother die 9(?) years ago. I had not spoken to him for 12 years before that. My mother was so upset that he had died estranged from all family....well it was HIS choice, not ours.
Do I ever have a second's regret about not having 'settled' things? Absolutely not. No looking back, no regrets. He was not sorry for what he'd done and why would I facilitate a meeting when he lies and cries and carries on--doing everything BUT asking for forgiveness?
Let Dh make his decision and move on, Dad sure did, didn't he? And I would fathom he did feel a lot of regret, but to keep peace, he never reached out to his kids.
Sadly, this is a common tale. Whatever you decide, I hope you have peace in that decision.
I totally agree with everything you’ve said. These things happen. It’s unfortunate but sadly crap happens.
You’re right about some men not being able to handle being alone. They just can’t.
All the best!
Your answer is very helpful and makes perfect sense to me. I also think being neutral is the way to go. After all, it was ages ago and what’s done is done. It can’t change now and honestly, I have no feelings for him anymore.
He is a human being and I respect him as a fellow human being but I don’t have the warmth that I used to have for him. He’s a stranger now.
It’s been over 25 years since I’ve spoken to him. It’s terribly sad because we were very close before all of this mess. Neither my husband or myself expect anything different now. I suppose he just wants to see his son before he dies. He is 96. He may live longer or he could die tomorrow.
My story is not so dramatic as others. My father was always around but he put everyone else before me. Everyone else was more important to him than I was. Then he got old. Friends died or moved away. Family doesn't visit more than once or twice a year. Guess who is a VIP in his eyes now. Me! He wants someone to take care of him. 40 years too late in my book. I make sure he is being cared for but it isn't by me. I don't enjoy spending time with him. The damage is done. He would never understand why I feel the way I do. In his eyes he was father of the year. Sure, maybe to my cousins but not me.
If your husband decides to go it need to be for him not his father.
I understand how you feel and I agree with you. I would feel as you do about your dad. Thanks for sharing and your input. I do realize that it’s difficult for my husband. It’s sad, really, and yes my FIL allowed everything to happen. It was his choice and he made it. Just like now it’s my husband’s choice to decide whatever he does.
After my dad's second marriage he blew off everyone except his wife. She was very controlling and after 20 years he wanted to leave her because of it but was too frail and dependant to go. Meanwhile he'd abandoned his kids and remaining former friends and relatives so had no one left. I did visit him several times in the few years before he died but found him even more nightmarish than before so I gave up for the last time. He tried to reel me back in with sweet phone calls and letters but I didn't take the bait.
Same story with my mother--long estrangement, she was unimaginably worse after reconnection so I left for the final time. I wasn't disappointed--knew it probably wouldn't work.
So it's true what the books, counselors and psychiatrists say--they get worse, not better. If your husband wants to reconnect but you don't he can go on his own or vice versa. Just don't invest much or expect much!
Yep! You said a mouthful. That’s exactly how it usually goes. Sad but true. None of us have any power to change anyone and would we if we could? Not me! If something doesn’t come from someone’s heart, what is it worth? Nothing in my opinion.
Why hold a grudge either? Waste of time and energy. I care about my husband. If my husband wants to see him fine, if not, fine. It’s up to him. I’m staying neutral.
Yes, I agree which is why I said to my husband that he may not want to have regrets. Still, it’s his decision and I will respect whatever he decides. 96 is old! How much time is anyone’s guess.
I just picked up my mom from the nursing home today. She was in skilled nursing rehab for several weeks and when I met with the social worker for a meeting I casually asked out of curiosity how old was the oldest resident. Her answer, are you ready? 115! Geeeez!
Shoot me please before I get that old! Haha. Anyway, I asked about her mental capacity at that age, to which the social worker replied, “Oh, she was a spitfire! She cursed everyone out daily! She had no filter but we all loved her!” Funny, huh?
Does it stir up emotions? I suppose to some extent. At the risk of using an overused expression, “It is what is is.” So be it.
Your answer touched my heart. Thanks so much. My husband is worth it. He’s a good man who stands by me. Our daughters mean the world to us.
To put it lightly, this hurt a lot of feelings. the action was filled with so many lies and complete betrayal - it was like none of us knew the person the sibling became at that moment. Fast forward to today and the suggestion: No matter what the wrong is, how much it hurts, you must Forgive. Not for their sake, but for yours. You need to keep your heart in the right place. It will give you peace now and later. I'm not suggesting being best buddies and daily phone calls, but if you hold that grudge, you only dwell in the pain, the despair and you don't want that muck to be in your life.
It took me five years to get to that point and sometimes wonder if I need five more, but I know it's the right thing, My sibling will have to deal with the isolation from family - might think it's great now, but after time, it's not so sweet and guilt will find - And it's funny, Karma does have a way of repeating history. No, I pity the old age for my sibling.
Embrace your own peace of mind, let go of the past and hurts. Hope this helps.
Once you pass
50 your a slave
To man power And money.
The more of it the better. Reagrdless were it comes from.
My SIL was thrown out of his house at age 16 because he defended his mother from getting beat up by his father while drunk. The father was in and out of prison (guns, drugs). Now he is out and wants to feel forgiven by his son. I'm staying out of this one.
You can try. You won’t regret it even if it doesn’t work. Because at least you tried.
It’s just sad that he disconnected from his family who loved him dearly, stood by him every step of the way during MIL’s illness, only to be treated like dirt, then thrown away.
Many people who were happily married remarry quickly because they miss the companionship. It’s hard to understand how you can know so much about their life without contact with them. Maybe you are making assumptions that didn’t exist. You also say it’s your husband’s decision while you rant about how you aren’t going to see him so how peaceful are you going to be if he does?
Truthfully I can see my stepsister writing exactly what you said but since I know both sides of that situation I know she created and furthered most of the turmoil. Only you can really examine your motives and heart.
Thanks for responding to my post.
I know because I lived it. This is how they treated us before they left town. Then, after he moved away we had no contact.
You are correct, he was a man who did not want to be alone. We had no problem with that. He should have seen her privately and allowed us to grieve for MIL immediately after she died.
We were extremely close to both of them. It was shocking that he was out dancing with this woman a couple of weeks after MIL died.
If he had allowed a relationship to build naturally it may have turned out differently.