My MIL lives alone about 20 minutes from us. While I like her, she's not the kind of person I can be around for long periods of time because she complains constantly and always wants everything to be about her. She was widowed two years ago and clearly struggles with depression but refuses to get help. She complains about being lonely but will not leave the house to try anything that might connect her with other people in her situation.
While I feel sorry for her, I don't like how she treats my husband and constantly demands that he come to her house to fix little things we suspect she breaks on purpose. My husband gets frustrated with her easily and then is difficult to deal with at home when he is stressed.
Yesterday, MIL fell in the garage and hurt her leg. Fortunately, she did not break anything, but this is her second fall in 2 months. She also has diabetes and mobility issues. It's clear that she can't continue to live at home on her own. We had been planning to try to move her closer to us into a retirement community with cottages where she might meet other people her age. Now the community that is being built is out of her price range.
My husband seems to have already decided that we are going to build an addition ($100,000!!!) to our house and move her in, even though in previous conversations, we have both agreed that we don't want her to live with us. I don't believe that having a separate living space would keep her from constantly being in our house, complaining and demanding attention. He seems to think she'll just stay in her own place and watch TV all day. We have only been married for a couple of years, and I think this is a terrible idea. We need our private space with our kids (blended family). I'm very concerned - and have told him so - that her presence will cause problems with our marriage.
I would appreciate any suggestions for how to convince him that we should not move MIL into our house, even into a separate space like a connected suite. He thinks that she will refuse to move into assisted living, but also seems to think they are terrible places. I've been to some and they are pretty nice (though expensive).
Thank you for your help!
Had to say all of that just so you know where I stand. I come to this site to learn from the experience of others. I must say I am surprised at the lack of empathy and humanity that I see from many on this site. Our parents may not be perfect but for many of us took care of us and spent many a sleepless nights cleaning up our pooh and vomit so IMHO one good turn deserves another. I’m not saying that the OP has to bring her MIL to the home I just think that the planning for her care should be done with love and kindness.
We will all be old and dependent on others one day. I hope you all are putting enough money away to pay for your care or senior living one day. This way you won’t be a burden on anyone.
Hope you all have a wonderful day.
I believe it is because of empathy and love that many of us advocate not keeping our seniors in our homes. Love for the senior, love for the spouse, love for the children, and love for ourselves.
No, I don't even think so, You have no clue what you're talking about. Throwing around all the nasty language you like does not change that fact.
There's no law saying people have to take in their elderly family members and become caregivers to them.
I challenge you to find such a law and post it here so we can all see it.
Im pretty sure no such thing exists.
I received an excellent education on Medicare because my cousin is a licensed Medicare agent (she does insurance). So she knows the ins and outs of Medicare and helped me when my father went into care.
Seniors in America over the age of 65 qualify for Medicare. True, there are some who don't like the ones who never paid into it. Those people are on Medicaid. Or their insurance coverage is from their job and part of their retirement.
Please, don't embarrass yourself further by telling me I need to get educated about Medicaid. I worked for my state's Department of Social Serices (DSS) for some time, so I know how Medicaid works.
Every senior can get care if they need it. Granted, it might not be great care or done on their terms but they can get it. There is something called a Medicaid Spend-Down. This means the senior needing care cannot hold onto assets and properties and preserve potential inheritances for their families while Medicaid picks up their tabs.
Medicaid doesn't usually pay for live-in homecare either. They do pay for care facility placement. Yes, a senior's monthly income gets taken if they go into a care facility. Yes, their assets have to be spent-down on their care before Medicaid kicks in, but Medicaid will kick in. I need to mention I'm referring to elderly American citizens. Not people illegally in the U.S. or people who have brought their elderly family members to this country then try to get them on Medicaid. I believe such people have to live here five years or around that long, I'm not certain.
YOU specifically told the OP that there would be no choice and she'd have to take her MIL in.
I'm challenging you to show some proof of that being a fact. Obviously, you're unable to produce such a thing so you go on the defensive.
Look, you are mistaken, Own it without resorting to bullying.
There is a donut hole in some states and just because you worked for your states DSS doesn't mean you know how every state works. Sorry, not trying to be rude but, each state runs it's programs differently, so taking a stand on that doesn't help anyone because it varies and it changes.
Everyone should check for their own situation with the proper programs in their state.
So, if you have some inside information to share it would be very appreciated.
Medicaid is a federal program. It is administered by each state's social services programs.
My point was a senior does not have to go without care in any state. When a senior goes into facility care, their income gets taken for their care as you know. What it doesn't cover gets picked up by Medicaid after their assets have been spent down on care.
There are seniors who are over-incomed and do not qualify for Medicaid to pay for homecare service. It happens. That doesn't mean the elder is just left to die in the street. Sometimes they have to go to facility care. You'll never hear me say that's the best option, but sometimes it's the only one and it's better than nothing.
I don't appreciate people getting told over here (not by you) in a support group that they will have no other choice than to take an elder in and provide care if the elder can't pay for themselves. This is simply not true and not helpful to anyone.
People join a group like this to benefit and learn from the experiences of others not to be told they have no choices.
I thought it would be a good idea but now I'm not too happy nor is my wife. If you have other options take them.
My mother was in facilities and they were quite nice to very nice. Why not tour some with your hub so he can see for himself? Hands down "No" to having her live with you in an addition or otherwise. She will need more and more care. Ask him how he will provide that. It's not on you to look after her.