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If your husband needs convincing, get him to read similar threads on this group. From my own experience I would say Don't do it!! It will take over your life and your relationship. My mum moved in with me over 5 years ago and it has ruined my health, physically and mentally and I have given up my life for her. I had to give up work and my relationship ended. I would advise anybody not to take in a relative as once they are in your home your life will never be your own again. In Home care is a much better option and if she protests then stand your ground. Older people can be very selfish but you need to be firm. Good Luck.
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I totally agree with you! Even if your MIL were an "angel," I'd agree with you. You and your husband are still newlyweds and cohabitating with any third person is a recipe for disaster. DON'T DO IT!
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Hi Scarlett,
First thing that jumped out at me is that husband gets frustrated dealing with his mom which makes home life difficult. Yet he’s planning to move her on to your property? At least now you and he have the buffer of distance.

Having been through it all (an elderly, difficult depressed Mom living on same property, then living in her own place, then in a IL apartment, and now AL), the best thing you can do for MIL is get her somewhere where she is safe and will have the help she needs. This will allow husband to be a son again, not her caregiver. It’s unlikely that MIL would be content living on your property and her presence will overshadow your lives. As my wise husband likes to say, “A house can only have one Queen.” And in my case, my mother wasn’t able to abide by that b/c in her eyes the position of mom trumps child.

Keeping in mind the intrinsic value of distance, you might consider helping with the cottage community entrance fee/deposit. Those fees are typically paid up front as a deposit and if she leaves the community before 8-10 years are up, you get a pro-rated amount back. Yes, the $100k could be spent on an addition to your home, but the cost to your marriage would be incalculable.

One last thing, the journey with my now 91 y/o mom is in its 18th year and will probably last several more. It’s been expensive to say the least, requiring all of her assets and some of mine too, but where she is now, her depression and anxiety is being treated, and she is actually content and at peace. First time in my lifetime to see her in that state, and it’s priceless.

Best wishes for a peaceful resolution.
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First, you have to admire your husband for not abandoning his mother.

Second, your husband admits he can’t handle being around her long term. He should move in with his mom for a month and experience 24/7 living. If he says it’s not the same because she’ll have the addition, counter with “true, but this only a 1 month test and you propose the rest of her life with us… even though her health and attitudes will only worsen.”

Third, additions take time to build and MIL needs a safe environment now so, God bless your husband, his emotions are overruling his logic. She needs assisted living NOW. You might look for a local facility that offers weekly or monthly stays.

My SIL’s husband had the same mentality as yours. MIL did not keep to her space and was demanding to where SIL and her husband avoided being home. In less than 6 months, everyone was miserable, everyone agreed assisted care was better and MIL is happy in assisted living.

If your MIL mobility issues don’t improve, does husband expect you to help her toilet, get in and out of shower, etc? Or will he?? Either way, logic suggests there won’t be a separation of space; the addition will be more square footage for you to clean as you care for MIL in her space. Or are you affluent enough to afford $100,000 addition and $40-50,000 per year for a caregiver?

Please advise your husband, caregiving is a slippery slope and even the best circumstances include How do we limit exposure to viruses? How do we leave for the weekend? How independent is mom when she can’t manage the can opener or a jar and gave up driving (our roads are a nightmare) so we’re her driver (just call Uber is a joke or $$$ luxury) and she needs help managing the house? AND this doesn’t include any personal care. What happens if you get sick or injured? Who schleps MIL to hair salon or dr appointment?

Even if you and your MiL all get along, including political ideology these days, and your MIL is independent, you’ll find little quirks of aging crop up.

Finally, your husband believes that isolating his mom with the tv for company is a viable solution and it’s not. He and you will become her only source of human contact, so buckle up….
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Anabanana Apr 2022
Yes! I was going to suggest the same, because they live in close proximity, a month together might give him a clearer picture.

As I mentioned in my earlier rant, self-isolation and constant complaining were the red flags as my mother developed dementia. She’d visit me daily and rage about things that happened 50+ years ago, with people long dead. I have the luxury of being a stay-at-home mother so I was there for her. I’d actually leave kitchen chores so I’d wash dishes or mix dough as she talked. I’d book her appts during school hours. She became my full time job. Which, in the past few years, became 24/7. (she is now in care)

Not all elderly mothers knit, watch tv, bake cookies with the grandkids, coo and dish out smooches.
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After reading all of these very emotionally charged answers, I decided to keep my advice practical. Keep on looking for alternate living places but in order to keep MIL (fall risk) in her own house - at least for the short term - you must go through it and make safety changes and updates. Install wifi cameras so you can monitor her from your cell phone at any time. Install safety rails in the bathrooms, brighter led lights in the lamps and motion lights in low outlets throughout the home. Remove scatter rugs, threshold saddles and all clutter since they are all tripping hazards. If she meets the requirements, sign her up for SNAP, the free meal delivery. Check with a local Senior Center for other free services she may be entitled to, which sometimes includes Social Worker visits.
Have your husband make sure his Mom has all legal, health and financial documents in order and if she doesn't - waste no time in getting to a good elder care and estate attorney to set her up while she's mentally competent. This is a MUST. A good lawyer will also advise on the steps needed to be eligible and apply for Medicaid to help with in-home or nursing home care. Currently there is a 5 year look-back so be prepared now.
Keep searching for alternate living solutions that are safe and appealing to everyone. Does MIL have money for private, local care? Consider shopping around for someone who would be a good fit for her. While she will most likely resist at first, having the company of another person who cares for her can be invaluable physically, mentally and emotionally. If she simply cannot afford it, the 100K hubby wants to invest can be used for part-time care for his Mom instead, to help with doctor appts, cleaning, laundry, meals, companionship, and peace of mind for all of you.
Keep in mind that your husband loves his mother & despite her annoyances it's a natural instinct to want to care for her. That said, he surely is unaware of how consuming this will eventually be in the long term. It would be hard even with the best of personalities and intentions. However, both of you need to be open to compromise and alternate solutions and to be more understanding of your MIL's physical and emotional needs and put personal bias aside.
Please look at your MIL with new eyes. Try to be sympathetic to this woman whose life has changed drastically since her husband passed. It's not easy for everyone to "connect" outside her home and no doubt, she is very, very lonely and feeling isolated. Perhaps you can help her with this.
Encourage calls/visits with your children, include her regularly in some family activities and create a dialogue and atmosphere where she feels loved and valued. I wish you the best.
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How on earth is it possible that your "no - I don't want that" doesn't stop the MIL moving in scenario? Do you not have an equal voice as to what happens in your house?

No does not mean abandoning MIL to an ice floe and giving it a shove. It removes one option of the available options for MIL next level of care. Research those, with MIL input.

Good luck.
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You have my sympathies. We moved my mom in with us for financial reasons…23 years ago. We bought a condo, with separate bedroom/bath/living room for mom, sharing the laundry/kitchen facilities. As she ages, life has become difficult. She is 98 now, still walks on her own, and just in the last few months has started to display signs of dementia. She became scared, refuses to sleep in her room, sleeps in a recliner. I sleep on a couch next to her. If she wakes and can’t see me she panics. My poor husband sleeps in our bedroom. He would love to retire(72), but knows he & mom would clash too much, which of course adds pressure to me.

I do not want to paint a completely negative picture. We all love each other and get along pretty well. But you have to consider you will seldom get alone time. Even going to the grocery can be an ordeal. My time is consumed with mom. She is actually jealous of my relationship with my husband & our kids. She often brags about how well she raised my children…she didn’t. Then I have to console her convincing her she isn’t a burden. I guess what I’m trying to say in this lengthy post is all might start off well, but the situation will deteriorate. After 53 years of marriage we are having issues handling this new chapter in our life. If this was a young marriage, blending family, I’m not sure we could have stood up under the pressure. My best wishes & prayers are with you!
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
Helpformom,

You should not have to live like you do and certainly your husband should not have to still work at his age because retirement would mean having to be home with your mother.
Break her out of the habit of going to sleep with you right next to her on the couch. That is ridiculous. Medicate her at night if necessary. She's developed a "shadowing" habit and you have to break that habit.
Whenever I would start a new caregiving position an elderly person so many times their adult child or spouse would say they can't leave them alone for a second otherwise they completely freak out. The spouses or adult children cannot even leave the room without the elder with them. What I always did with the family members or spouses is explain to them what "shadowing" is and how that habit can never be allowed to establish. If it has then the elder must be broken out of it.
Shadowing is when an elderly person almost always with some kind of dementia has to have their spouse or family member with them at all times.
I'd tell the 'shadowed' family member that when I come to work my hours, they leave. They're always against it at first but it's the only way to break the shadowing habit. Do not allow them to go to bed anywhere other than their room, and do not sleep in their room with them.
It's like with a baby. Sometimes you have to let the baby squawk a little bit in his crib. If mother goes running in every time he makes a sound, he will never be able to be alone. Same with a shadowing elder.
I know you love your mother and want what's best for her. Breaking her out of the shadowing habit is what's best for her.
Leaving her with hired caregivers for a few hours at a time is what's best for her. Giving her anti-anxiety medication and making her sleep by herself is what's best for her and for you.
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Don't be emotional when you talk with your husband...be factual. Tell him you need to have a heart to heart with him and his undivided attention. That way there is no mistaking what this is about. Explain that you would never expect him to make life changes so that you could move one of your parents into your home, and you expect the same curtesy and consideration from him. Tell him if he values your marriage he will hear you on this. Your marriage is too new to take this on.

Tell him that the best thing he can do for his mom is find her a great assisted living facility where she can socialize with others her age and have round the clock assistance should she need it. Adding on to your home doesn't give her that interaction with other folks in her same stage of life. She needs that. Your husband can visit her as often as he likes, bring her to your home for holiday meals, etc. Tell him that you are proud of him that he loves his mom and wants to take care of her, but there are other ways to do it besides moving her into your home.
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Stand your ground. You are still newlyweds and need your time alone to develop your personal relationship.

I'm sure you can find living arrangement for MIL that will not require you to pay a small fortune and yet be a place she can call home.

My DH called me selfish, a brat, unkind, all the lovely names to try to get me to move his mom in with us. I finally had to get downright mean and tell him he could have mommy move in with him, I would leave. And I would have. Having her live with us would have fallen 100% on me.

As time has passed and she has become more and more impossible to deal with, he has understood my staunch approach to keeping her in her home and he provides what little care she'll allow.

He has a sister who does EVERYTHING for MIL and I told him that his mom is happy with that, and living with us would be hell on earth.

He does agree, but still thinks I am not very nice for not 'wanting' his mom here.

If he can afford $100K to add on to your home, he can afford to help out with an ALF, if mom's funds don't cover one.
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DeckApe Apr 2022
The $100k to build an addition is an investment. It has the potential to increase property sale value, may be borrowed back with home equity loan or line of credit, may help with taxes with MIL as a dependent, permits the MIL’s income to “blend” with their income… you get the idea.

Putting MIL in an ALF or SNH is just like putting that $100k into a barrel and setting it on fire. (Not that I’d ever question the motivations of all the self-righteous mom-belongs-at-home-with-us crowd…)

Cheers!!
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Protect your sanctuary! No matter what - protect your sanctuary!

As caretaking becomes more intensive, he (and the rest of y'all) will need your home as a place to retreat and decompress from the constant unrelenting challenges of caring for her. I believe this is so even in the best of circumstances, but I KNOW it is so in less than optimal. My mother moved from her own home in a town an hour away to our town to an Assisted Living facility. I didn't realize it at move time, but her idea was that we could then spend all our time together. Never mind I have a job, regular other commitments and grown kids (and we are building our own house). When she discovered that she still didn't see me "all the time", she felt like I betrayed her - and I understand why she feels that way, but it simply never occurred to me that she would have such an expectation. I tried incorporating her into my extra activities, but she hated them all and wanted me to spend that time with her INSTEAD. Well - I enjoy things like my Tuesday evening ladies' dinners. And I enjoy hibernating at home sometimes. I can tell you that when I drive through the gate onto our property, I literally FEEL the stress fall away both physically and mentally for me after a long day of dealing with all my other stuff then doing whatever she needed me to do that day. And it's not just that my mom is difficult to deal with (because she is), but that it is frustrating and wearisome and disheartening to see the effects of old age setting in on her and causing her to have to deal with her impending mortality and you just need to be able to step away to catch a breath and get a little perspective. Dealing with end-of-life issues alongside your parent is much easier when you have that kind of time.

When we first began discussing moving her to our town, we briefly flirted with the idea of building her her own little cabin on our property. It would have been so convenient to not have to drive to see/help her. And we really want to have a small guest house on the property eventually and she had the money to make it happen. From the outside looking in, there just didn't seem to be a reason not to do it. My husband was like you - adamantly opposed to the idea. He said "are you going to feel like you have to stop and check on your mom every time you pass her house to get to ours, or when you leave our house?", "are you going to answer sweetly every time she sees you pass and calls you to see where you are going?", "are you going to feel obliged to include her whenever we have company?", "how will you feel when she comes down here uninvited?". "You love all our windows that look out over the land. How will you feel knowing she can see into them?", "do you really want to include her in dinner planning at every meal?", "on Saturdays when you want to sleep in a little, do you want her to knock on the door to get your help?" By the time he finished painting a very accurate picture of what our life with her as a neighbor would be, he didn't have to convince me that building her a house on our property was a bad idea - I KNEW it!

Consider also that your kids need to know and love their grandmother, but they don't need her to be an extra parent or adult telling them what to do. It can be hard enough for two parents to stand in agreement without another adult participating in the raising and that tends to be what happens when grandparents move in (or on the same property).

Protect your sanctuary!
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RudeAwake Apr 2022
Everyone, ANYONE, who considers moving their elderly family member next door or on their property MUST read what you have written on that! It seems like a good idea on paper, but what you have said is EXACTLY how it actually ends up playing out! Thank you so much for this!
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I don’t see any mention of dementia. From my experience, your MIL may be in the early stages. My mother changed from a social butterfly to refusing to leave the house and declining visitors, all while complaining daily about loneliness. She latched onto me and my family, constantly in our house, constantly complaining that we didn’t pay her enough attention. (angry that the kids would leave for school, etc) Then she added attention seeking behaviours. Lost items, broken things that weren’t, etc. She’d always been difficult so it was impossible for me to determine when she crossed into dementia territory, but these behaviours I describe took place within the past 10 years and she is now straddling late mid-stage to advanced. Incidentally, she now “recalls” how we held her hostage when she wanted to go to church, social events, etc., which couldn’t be further from the truth.

Now, about a few of the posts I’ve read, and I’m not even through them all...

karenchaya, you owe a LOT of people an apology - NOW. ‘Selfish, even, and not empathetic.’? Lucky you, to have never had to deal with a LO’s extreme attention seeking behaviours.. However, your lack of experience doesn’t negate the experiences of others.

And mapont2, the dynamic between a parent and young child is not the same as that between an adult child and and parent. If her MIL is indeed in the early stages of dementia, boundaries is not a concept to be learned by a broken brain. Nor is it likely to be accepted by an elder who still views herself as the ruling matriarch.

If some of you want to give up your relationships with your partner, children and friends, and give up your careers, hobbies and leisure, do it. But you’re not entitled to tell others to do the same.

Explain please, what makes her MIL’s wants and needs so much more valuable than her own?

People post here, seeking the experiences of others, not their judgement.
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Octogenarian Apr 2022
Anabanana,
Are you a doctor? Daughter of a pediatric psychiatrist and psychologist??
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Hi Scarlett, do *not* allow MIL to move in with you -- even with the best intentions and in a separate addition. DH and I had a similar idea. MIL had been divorced almost 20 years, living alone, suffering lots of health issues and surviving on a small SS income with no assets. One day DH announced MIL was about to become homeless after her lease ended, and the only option was for her to move in with us. I wasn’t involved in MIL’s affairs, and suddenly MIL was in CRISIS mode. Apparently I agreed to her moving in while DS was 2 months old, and we even packed up our house and MIL’s house, then and moved to a larger house complete with an “in-law” basement apartment. Having MIL apply for public housing and other benefits (food stamps, etc.) was beneath her and apparently also DH, and MIL even refused to discuss this. Besides, she convinced us  that she had 1 year left to live and wanted to live out her final months in peace (there was a grain of truth here, but twisted by MIL into narc guilt which I didn’t see at the time).  In the beginning I got along well enough with MIL, but it took a year to figure out that she had no interest in helping with anything, and she also isn’t interested in her 2 young grandkids (this is the saddest part). Fast forward 6 years later, and MIL is finally packing up to move out, only after I told DH that MIL needs to go or I will leave.  DH reluctantly told MIL she needs to go (a big deal for DH after decades of narc abuse), and I anxiously waited for MIL’s narcissistic rage to hit the “fan”. DH didn’t speak to me for 2 months and has started to emerge again. I’ll gladly be labeled as an evil scapegoat if it gives me a shot at saving my marriage and creates more happiness around our kids. You see, this entire situation has deeply affected the kids, too. 

So even if MIL moves into your house and you don’t see her most of the time or not even at all, a NOXIOUS KARMIC CLOUD will hang over your entire house. I’m not trying to sound unkind or extreme here, but there is a certain indescribable feeling when a ‘persona non grata’ lives in your house and there is no escape from the toxic cloud they ooze (maybe this is what imprisoned torture victims feel?). You already think it’s a terrible idea *now*, before MIL has actually moved in. I can’t emphasize enough how much more stressful your life will be after MIL moves in, not to mention a broken marriage later on while you try to figure out the best way to untangle your beautiful blended family so you can escape the awful situation. Everyone will lose, not just you, DH and children, but also MIL. Please put your foot down ASAP and do not let this happen!! It’s not worth DH finding out the hard way that you were right. In the meantime, you/DH need to set boundaries with MIL so she understands (whether she pretends to or not) that she is welcome to visit on special occasions or whatever timeline you want, and you/DH can help her find an assisted living place though your local senior housing authority. If she owns her house, you/DH can help her sell it so she can pay for a nice place. Other posts might have advice on how to apply for Medicaid once she has spent down any assets she may have.

Bottom line is that DH is not responsible for MIL’s happiness and comfort, and MIL’s outlook on her situation will not change whether she (1) moves in with you (NOT happening), (2) moves into the nice retirement community with cottages (probably won’t happen), or (3) grows up and looks at other options that will work (fingers crossed for this one).
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
Totally agree with you, Teak Magnolia. I've known many elders who wouldn't never dream of applying for things like food stamps and heating assistance because it was "beneath" them. Some in my own family.
My response is enjoy living hungry and cold then. Or get a tin cup and panhandle. People find the strength to swallow their pride when no one jumps to their rescue.
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You are newlyweds. You have a blended family with children who need your time and attention. You are NOT super-human beings with endless energy, bottomless finances, and patience of saints (unless you forgot to tell us these things in your post). This is a BAD idea. Noble - but bad. Try to have a heart to heart with your DH and try to come up with a better plan. Maybe a small house nearby with an aide for 4 to 6 hours a day, medical alert device, and camera surveillance?
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Just saying, the only times I have known of multi-generational families working at all were those times when Grandma moved in to help with childcare and housework early in the game--and kept quiet about Mom and Dad's business. Even then there were ups and downs, but grandma played an important role in keeping the family afloat financially, doing all the housework, cooking, and daytime childcare while the parents worked.

I have never known of a case where grandma moved late in life where it was anything but a disaster. However good the intentions might be, the result is terrible. The couple cannot get away from the irritations of attempting to care for someone whose disabilities are growing and whose abilities are declining. The addition of a separate dwelling unit is unimportant. If she cannot care for herself in her own home, she will not be able to care for herself in your home either.

Your husband has not thought realistically about what is really involved in caring for someone who needs care. Speak your mind now and be sure that you are heard. Insist that he face the fact that the falls and mobility issues are just the beginning. Invest that $100,000 in helping her to buy into a continuing care community. These can be very nice, but she may only be able to afford a more mediocre one. Too bad, but she will simply have to accept that whatever it is that she can afford is what she will have to accept. What we get in retirement is what we saved for when we were working. It is not fair for old people to expect their children to give them what they did not prepare for. (I say this as a 71 year-old who would never dream of moving into her children's home. I hope that my savings and investments will keep my life pretty much as it is now, but if I do something stupid and lose my money I would live in a Medicaid facility before I would move in on my sons.)
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BurntCaregiver Apr 2022
You're right about that LittleOrchid. When grandma moves in late in life it's always a disaster and never works.
I hope the OP takes your advice to heart because you are spot on and one hundred percent correct.
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Can you bring in part time/full time Caregiver to where she is now.. I only read response of "Little Orchid" below. I 100% agree.
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MargaretMcKen Apr 2022
Confusing! Little Orchid’s response was certainly not ‘Can you bring in part time/full time Caregiver to where she is now.’ All carers find that your suggestion needs a lot of oversight and is NOT an easy alternative to full time care around the clock. You aren't thinking if you '100% agree' with both.
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I got as far as Helpformom24s response and that was enough for me. Read her response several times, and then have your DH read it several times. Her mom is 98 and she's sleeping on a couch next to her every night while her DH sleeps alone in their bedroom. Is THIS the life you want? Your MIL has diabetes, to add insult to injury, which by itself can and often does wreak HAVOC (medically) on everyone who has to deal with it. My sister in law lost her foot up to the mid calf a while ago thanks to diabetes, which was only one of 12 issues she suffered, including cirrhosis of the liver and kidney failure. She died at 65 years old; we went thru her medications which were housed in a suitcase! That's how many there were: 26 in all that needed to be sorted into AM/Noon/Mid afternoon/late afternoon/evening and night dosages! Horrible existence the woman led. I could write a book.

I will tell you that my parents lived in an Assisted Living residence for 7 years, and an Independent Living apartment for seniors prior to that for 3 years. Both places were phenomenal. Like hotels, really. Anyone who tells you what 'horrible places' they are haven't a CLUE what they're talking about. We should all be so lucky to be able to afford such luxury and autonomy in our old age, let me tell you. Your MIL will THRIVE in such an environment, vs. living with you where she will get NO social stimulation and rely only on your DH (and you) to keep her entertained. And food, which will ramp up her diabetes and keep you taking her back & forth to a variety of doctors for her entertainment.

I hope you can talk some sense into your husband for the sake of your marriage. Go check out some affordable ILs and ALs in your area and get brochures to bring home. Set them down on the kitchen table and look them over with your husband AFTER you've gone on tour of a few of them. Be the salesperson so you can talk the places up, reminding him you can go visit MIL several times a week and have a better relationship as a result. Plus, you'll save $100K in the process.

Don't let 'guilt' drive your decisions here. Anyone telling you "how will you feel when the end arrives?" doesn't understand that there are MANY ways to care for an elder. In home is NOT the only way to do so! Believe me when I tell you there are a TON OF THINGS TO DO for your loved one while they are living in managed care as it is! It's not like we drop them off in their new apartment and adios, it's all over. In many ways, the work just begins at that point! I know from where I speak on that, believe me.

FWIW, I grew up with my grandmother living in our home; my mother fought with her tooth & nail, ruining MY childhood in the process. Yet mom was 'doing the right thing' by having grandma living with us. That was her nonsensical thought process, yet everyone in the house was MISERABLE as a result! Had my mother used her head, grandma would have gone into managed care and EVERYONE would have been happier as a result, including grandma who was verbally abused on a daily basis. People never seem to take those kinds of things into account when considering home care, and think "Oh it's UTOPIA for everyone & flowers & rainbows prevail." I'm here to tell you that's BS in many cases!

Wishing you the best of luck preserving your marriage AND finding your MIL a lifestyle that preserves HER dignity and autonomy at the same time, b/c that is the real goal here: for EVERYONE to be happy.
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Have the two of you toured senior apartments and assisted living facilities? Those places are amazing these days. That might be all the convincing he needs.
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Think long and hard about this. What she can do today, will only get harder later. If your husband is like mine was, they are non-existent helpers. Prepare yourself for urinary tract infections (which make her mean and very nasty). Changing bedsheets every morning. Putting a baby monitor in her room just so you know she is safe and hasn't fallen. Calling off work because you need to take her to the doctors, shopping, errands etc. My MIL hated all the "day caregivers" I hired... She even ran them off. I adored my Mother-in-Law. But the last few years were so taxing, when the hospice people finally came in, they were more worried about me than her. I aged a hundred years the last few of her life. If it's avoidable, I'd advise against it.
I'm 62 years young right now. I still actively work (from home) and my own mother lives with me. (I didn't learn my lesson the first go around) Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my active years? Caring for elderly is NOT for the faint of heart. Hugs to you. Not an easy decision.
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Assisted living are terrible places
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lealonnie1 Apr 2022
That's odd, bc my folks' Assisted Living place looked and felt like a high end hotel. Their apartment looked like a high end condo with brand new kitchen cabinets, counter tops, carpeting and fridge. Views to a garden, plantation shutters, etc. The dining room had French doors leading out to a magnificently landscaped garden that was 3 acres! Activity room with a dancefloor and library stocked with books. I could go on and on. But I won't b/c you said 'Assisted living are terrible places.'
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I would not bring your mother-in-law in. She would make everyone unhappy. The investment in an addition would be wasted. Better to visit different facilities together. There are many options. It only becomes more difficult as individuals age.

Be sure to get your ducks in a row before you struggle like DH & I do with his mother.

My in-laws buried their heads in the sand and now my MiL is in AL and hating it, but my husband and I agreed that she is NEVER coming to live with us. She has too many problems and refuses to get the proper care or cooperate.

The ALF even has trouble with her. We met with the facility director and we’re informed she never leaves her room or allows it to be cleaned. I said that was unacceptable and that they had the right & duty to clean the room and make sure she is clean. She will be in for a surprise. We can’t deal with her but did send her a note that if she didn’t cooperate she would lose her dog.

MIL’s mental state needs to be addressed and the dog is a crutch and suffers terribly because of her.
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PeggySue2020 Apr 2022
No, what she is saying is that the al will call the spca to remove the dog for neglect if they can’t even get in to clean her.
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Couples counseling and perhaps role reversal practice.
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First step would be asking her if she would consider moving into assisted living, it sounds like she hasnt been asked. After that maybe the first step could be a carer to go to her and a medical alarm that she wears if she falls or needs help. it could be suggested to her that if that doesnt work out that she would need to consider assisted living. I feel she she needs to be consulted in these decisions and you need to be honest with her about the need for you and your husband to have space for your marraige and family, but you are wanting to help in some way. They sometimes need to be reminded the picture is bigger than what they see and they need reassurance that you are there for them no matter what. A hard thing for a new marraige to go through I hope it goes well for you.
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Do not allow your MIL to move into your house for any reason. Do not build an extension on your home so she can have her own living quarters.
This sounds nice, but it will not be like what your husband thinks it will be. Your entire house will become her space. Then will come the competing with you for your husband's attention and affection. Then will come the instigating trouble, the incessant complaining, and the staged attention falls and fabricated health crises. She'll start doing this as a form of entertainment or because she wants to sabotage some special occasion that doesn't involve her.
I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I've seen many couples get broken up because an alpha MIL gets moved in.
Please don't do it.

One queen in a hive. No truer words have ever been said. You will have nothing but misery if you move her in. If you think she treats your husband bad and is demanding now, move her in then see what your lives become.

Find her an AL or senior community that she can afford.
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AngieGuido74 Apr 2022
aren't there places that are state run if you do not have finances to live there.
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Leave her in her home until it becomes absolutely necessary to move her. Get in home care as well. They can prolong her being able to live in her own home. If assisted living is not affordable she’ll have to move in with you. If you leave her in her home and an emergency arises where an ambulance has to go get her there is a chance adult services will be called due to neglect. Eventually though she’ll have to be moved and if she can’t afford assisted living she will have to live with you. Unfortunately those are your only options.
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PeggySue2020 Apr 2022
She doesn’t ever have to live with them. Especially if there is a home. If she can’t afford the aides then it’s on her to sell this home and get into some al that takes Medicaid once the spenddown has occurred.
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@NannaJ
I am no hypocrite.
The answer remains factual.
But I see there are a LOT of emotional tree stumps in this forum.
Me me me me me
What a great message to send to your kids.
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PeggySue2020 Apr 2022
Emotional tree stumps huh.
Not everyone is emotionally situated to deal with elder emotional crap let alone their physical crap.
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You don't have to convince your husband of anything.
It takes two people in a marriage to agree on important decisions.

If you say No, if you disagree, Mil is not moving in.

Owning a home together, it is the same. If you do not agree to sign the refinance papers, or spend the money, it is a No.

Women do not understand fully the power they do have. They already have that power. Just say "NO".
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Anabanana Apr 2022
‘What a great message to send to your kids.’

So mapont2, should I have put my mother in care or sent my children to boarding school?

mapont2, I am sending a great message to my kids. The message that their lives have importance. The message that I would provide care to my mother until it became all-consuming and left me next to no time to act as their mother. The message that my life has value too, and neither I, nor anyone else, should be shamed into a life of caregiving, instead of cherishing our own partners and children, pursuing our own dreams and caring for ourselves.

’Me me me me...’ indeed.
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Scarlettotara: Just say "No, MIL is not moving in here" and refuse to agree with any of the other preposterous ideology.
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your husband is annoyed yet feels guilty - how would you feel if it were your mom, and your husband didn't want her there!. not saying she should be with you but it does put your husband in an awkward position! it would be difficult bc you MIL complains and wants attention - her living with you even in an addition, would def put a strain on your marriage! she would constantly want her son to be with her, i don't think she would really ever be satisfied! you and your husband have to meet halfway - he needs to know that it could, not would, but could def have an impact on the two of you. you know maybe if you were to go with her, to senior places, where they have entertainment etc but get to go back home, it might help her to see there are other things out there! you have to look at it from the MIL point of view - she is older, scared and unsure of what to do! can you have a nice chat with her and tell her she is loved but she should at least try to go places. let her think she is making the decision, you may be surprised.
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"We have only been married for a couple of years, and I think this is a terrible idea. We need our private space with our kids (blended family). I'm very concerned - and have told him so - that her presence will cause problems with our marriage."

This is an extremely important and valid concern. You two have two goals to work on at the same time. That is more than most couples have to do. 1. Your marital identity which takes plenty of private space and energy. 2. Your parental identity as a team. My goodness, you two and your blended family don't need any new goals right now! The glue of your marriage and family is still very wet with only two years. Please focus on 1 and 2, but don't add three. That will create an unhealthy emotional triangle with you two and her as well as with your children and her. Please don't do this. Did ya'll have a chance to talk about such things before getting married? If not, this might be a good focus for the two of you to meet with a marital therapist about.
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Seriously, I would not move her in with you. I would try finding another option at all cost. I have a mother just like her, and it will cause you so much stress. It can also cause serious health problems, remember she will probably have more health issues as she gets older.
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