My husband and I recently moved his grandparents (103 and 95) in with us and became the primary caregivers. One of them is peeing on the floor in their bedroom at night and the carpet by the front door at night. I don’t know if it’s grandpa (103) forgetting where the bathroom is, or grandma (95) who has moderate/severe dementia just waking up and peeing. I work graveyard shift so on my nights off I have sat downstairs to catch which one it is but when I’m downstairs they never move, and if they do it’s just grandpa waking up and walking to the bathroom. We also have a 4-year-old who is potty trained and a two-year-old who is not. I don’t want to sound like a horrible person but I already struggle with the shift I work and babies let alone 4 babies. Some days I wake up to a poop diaper from my son, my grandmother wiping herself with the dishrag or whatever she can find, and my grandpa shoving his dirty diaper down the toilet. I am at my wits' end. Due to the required care they need and extra upkeep in my house, my toddler's behavior is out of control. They are not getting the attention they need from us, and mine and my husband's relationship is on the cusp of ending because of the lack of time we have. I have an 18 yo as well who just graduated high school and has been the biggest help through all of this, but I don’t want to burden him too much cause it’s not his job. It’s not even his grandparents. I need advice on every aspect of this because I’m close to having a mental breakdown. My house constantly smells like pee and poop from the three people in diapers. I’m losing my mind. We have a caretaker that comes over, but we can only afford her for 3 hours a day--enough time to wash them, change them, give meds, and feed them. We even have a house cleaner that does a deep-clean every other week. It doesn’t even make a difference. What do we do?
So the rest of your mil's siblings are off the hook, as are your H's 3 siblings.
So if your mil asked if you and H would take Granny for "a bit," was that timeframe never clarified?
Now what? Are you and your H going to let your marriage crumble further because of this?
Tell mom either she takes them back or they are going into a facility ASAP. The stress level that you must have is way too high to be continued. My mom has an occasional pee issue (been twice a week for the past 2 weeks) and it's making me nuts and thinking of how much longer I can withstand that in my home. Not long. There are 2 more things that we are trying for her incontinence and if they don't work, well, I know just the nice facility for her. With dementia, I am not having high hopes for success but I am somewhat hopeful.
I don't see there being any hope in your situation. They are quite old and have serious issues that need full time help to deal with.
Good luck.
It is an unfair situation to you and your kids and is clearly effecting your mental and physical health. Also, at their age they need more care than you can provide and moving them would be the best option for everyone.
Does your H help with the caregiving? When you work the graveyard shift, when do you sleep?
Why wasn't facility placement considered?
I would turn this over to their children to figure out.
Most important don't subject your 18yo to this, it is not theirs to be involved in.
Start the RESEARCH for a SAFE, CLEAN residential placement TODAY.
You have absolutely NO MORAL or ETHICAL REASON not to do so.
If it is important to you make a circle on a map of your area, and research nearby places first. Then you will be able to bring one or both of the babies for short visits, and visit as often as you wish.
PLEASE release your high school grad from responsibility. I had one who graduated from HS when his grandma, my mom, living with me. It was NOT in his best interests, and he deserved better, but I never realized how tough it was on him until after my mom was placed in a beautiful setting near me.
I was only taking care of one LO at a time. Unless you and your husband are stuffing Angel’s wings into your sweatshirts, you are ONLY HUMAN. Humans CANNOT sustain a life style like yours.
Please consider ALL of you, STARTING TODAY. Do the research, learn all you need, and move forward with placement.
This is nuts both grandma and grandpa need placement ASAP.
103 years old and still going strong. 95 and no end in sight.
They sure don't mention any of what you describe when they do those news reports on a person living past 100 years old.
How recently is recently? Where were they living before, and what was the main reason for moving them in with you?
Two options to consider for today:
1. Make sure the bathroom light is left on at night, and the door open. If grandpa is getting disoriented this might guide him to the correct place. [If it were grandma going a-wandering, would grandpa wake up?]
2. A bedside commode that the elders could use at night.
One priority: talk seriously to your husband. If he feels that this is the only option for his grandparents, why does he think that? Be gentle with him (I'm sure you will be, because you generously attribute your relationship difficulties to lack of time rather than a startlingly rash decision on his part) because no doubt he's at least as stressed as you are by the whole thing and you don't want him lashing out; but this situation is bonkers and needs an urgent rethink. Too much work for two lone mortals.