My husband and I recently moved his grandparents (103 and 95) in with us and became the primary caregivers. One of them is peeing on the floor in their bedroom at night and the carpet by the front door at night. I don’t know if it’s grandpa (103) forgetting where the bathroom is, or grandma (95) who has moderate/severe dementia just waking up and peeing. I work graveyard shift so on my nights off I have sat downstairs to catch which one it is but when I’m downstairs they never move, and if they do it’s just grandpa waking up and walking to the bathroom. We also have a 4-year-old who is potty trained and a two-year-old who is not. I don’t want to sound like a horrible person but I already struggle with the shift I work and babies let alone 4 babies. Some days I wake up to a poop diaper from my son, my grandmother wiping herself with the dishrag or whatever she can find, and my grandpa shoving his dirty diaper down the toilet. I am at my wits' end. Due to the required care they need and extra upkeep in my house, my toddler's behavior is out of control. They are not getting the attention they need from us, and mine and my husband's relationship is on the cusp of ending because of the lack of time we have. I have an 18 yo as well who just graduated high school and has been the biggest help through all of this, but I don’t want to burden him too much cause it’s not his job. It’s not even his grandparents. I need advice on every aspect of this because I’m close to having a mental breakdown. My house constantly smells like pee and poop from the three people in diapers. I’m losing my mind. We have a caretaker that comes over, but we can only afford her for 3 hours a day--enough time to wash them, change them, give meds, and feed them. We even have a house cleaner that does a deep-clean every other week. It doesn’t even make a difference. What do we do?
I don’t know how much just gas alone is where you live, but in Alaska right now, it’s heading to over $6 a gallon in my area, and every damn thing costs more money, so unless you are rich, you do not have the pocketbook for young children, AND old old old elders.
I sincerely hope you take the good advice you have been given, and do not throw away your young children’s childhood, all the time you could have with them, instead going to both work AND elders. Too much, and your family knows it.
I send you respect that you tried. I would have said no, but I learned very early in adulthood, to just say no, to what doesn’t work for me, after getting sober. Survival meant learning, and 38 years later, still holding my ground, even if it makes family mad. Take care.
Depending upon where you live, there may be other agencies or services you can access to assist you until you can transition them to a memory care facility. Check the Agency/Institute/Nation Society on Aging or Eldercare resources for your area.
Services can include respite care for the caregiver. So someone can come in to give you a break.
You need some help. I’d get other family members to come in and help watch your grandparents while you and your husband take time away from the house to talk to the social worker, make some calls and form a plan of action.
The local VA can help you set up membership in the VA.
If he was an active duty vet, the VA AND Medicare will cover everything…including 24/7 caregivers or a memory care facility. Prescriptions. Durable medical goods. Incontinence products. Hearing aids. Not sure about teeth or eyes, but local VA officer can tell you.
If not a vet, Medicare will cover placement in a care home. It just may not be the Cadillac of care homes. Or Medicare can pay a portion of care and the family picks up the difference for a nicer facility.
2. Tranquility Premium Overnight. Holds 2 cups fluid. Fecal & Urine brief. Has leg guards. Good for daytime.
I’ve been taking care of my parents for eight years. My Mom was a heavy user of incontinence products and had both types of incontinence. I only had access to the Tranquility product when she was alive. I discovered the BECAUSE product while working with my Dad’s needs.
Neither product has ever let me down.
There may be tab style versions of these products. The products noted above are pull up briefs.
Hugs 🤗
It appears ALL of grandma and grandpa's kids are worthless.
As for your house stinking of human waste, there are a couple of things you can do.
1st - saturate every area that you know has been peed on with white vinegar. The vinegar kills the enzymes that cause the odor and the vinegar smell goes away once it is dry.
2nd - ALL diapers get bagged and taken outside as soon as the change is complete.
3rd - cover furniture, after spraying with vinegar, with chuxs, washable or disposable, the VA will provide these.
4th - get an essential oil diffuser and use lemon oil and may chang essential oils. It will make your house smell like fresh squeezed lemons, you can use any citrus or a combination of any to help keep the house fresher.
5th - open windows daily.
My heart goes out to you and your family. These situations are so difficult.
The fact that you allowed not one but two incontinent ancients with dementia to move into your home at the ages of 103 and 95 is completely ridiculous. Letting them remain with you is even moreso.
They need to be placed immediately. As for you not being able to afford more than a few hours a day of aide care.
You are not the one who should be worried about affording it. Why are the 103 year-old and the 95-year old not paying for it themselves?
Get them placed. No amount of preserving assets is worth what you're living in right now. No one should have to live in a house that stinks of piss and sh*t. I'm saying this as a person who was an in-home caregiver as employment for almost 25 years. I've quit positions when a client's home was just too disgusting from hoarding, filth, squalor, and incontinence.
Get them placed for everyone's sake including your own. As for your out-of-control toddler. There's no such thing as an out-of-control toddler. You and your husband are adults that's what gives you control over of a toddler.
I too raised a toddler from the age of two (my son) when I married his widowed father I adopted him. He tended to run a bit on the hyper side. He didn't get out-of-control because we were the adults in the home and didn't allow him to. When he was little there was elderly family who really couldn't live alone anymore and needed caregiving. The convenient choice that worked for everyone was for them to move in with us because after all I wasn't working at the time and had experience as an elderly caregiver.
No one moved in with us because we would not allow it. You didn't get duped by your family to take them in. What usually happened in cases like yours, is the family made you an offer than sounded good at the time. You agreed to take the responsibility on for your grandfather and his wife so moved them in. Now you have buyer's remorse because they're more than you can handle. This would be more than most people can handle. Don't beat yourself up with guilt about making the mistake that so many people make when they take on elderly care.
Now it's time for damage control. You tried and they need to be placed. Find a care facility who will accept them. Then take back your home and family.
hugs and prayers
I always feel compelled to comment when I see someone commenting about "I loved my daddy so but I had to place him......"
Your children should be your primary focus in life, not your grandparents who need to be placed immediately. They need and require more care than you are capable of giving them, as do your children. You are doing neither a service by trying to be Superwoman, but a grave disservice instead.
Please see to it that your grandparents are placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility together and that you take your home back so it can be occupied by your immediate family only. Then you can work on repairing your marriage and giving your toddler the attention s/he needs.
Otherwise, what happens when YOU are hospitalized with a breakdown? Who cares for your husband, grandparents and children then?
Not sure who is their PoA or Medical proxy. If something happens to either one of them tonight, call 911, have them transported to the ER and tell the social worker that they can not come home with you. Don't listed to the "oh it's just for a day until we find something". Nope, Nope. Make your statement, turn on your heel and walk out of the ER.
I wish you good luck and peace on this difficult journey. Please keep us advised as things progress.
Hospitalization or a facility are the only options.
What is your husband doing in this scenario? He is the one to make arrangements to get his folks placed in another ennvironment where they can have constant care.
Does he take over the kids, oldies and cleaning, cooking, etc when he gets home so you can go to sleep undisturbed? If not, you seriously need to see a councelor for your own mental and physical health. Also get a checkup from your Doctor to make sure your heart isn't being taxed by all the stress and labor.
You must put yourself first so you can survive this nightmare for you and your kids sake.
It is an unsafe environment for them, you, your spouse & young children..God bless & prayers to you!🙏🏻 From one sandwich generation Mom to another. Hugs
Theres lots of paperwork and documentation required. If you can afford see about an Elder Care attorney to help you.
Dont delay. This is an impossible task. I had my mom in my home after she had a massive bed bug infection. I could barely keep up and I didn’t have any babies.
Have dinner delivered for 5pm, then a cleaner to mop all the floors, & an aide/nanny to tuck them all in for the night.
Write a book about it.
Sell for movie rights or maybe a series.
I am laughing/crying for you!
Just reading your post gave me anxiety! LOL You already have a lot going on in your household before you moved the two grandparents in. Where were they living before they moved in? Why wasn't a long term care facility considered? Are there financial roadblocks? Is there any other family that can assist you in getting them placed?
Where is your husband in all of this? It can't lie on just you and your son. Why didn't he look for a place for his grandfather and grandmother didn't he figure it would be a burden on your family which it has become.
Can breathing in urine harm you?
In small doses urine probably does not have much affect on your health, but prolonged breathing or highly concentrated urine could be a problem. Sharp ammonia odor from urine can be irritating to the lungs, throat and eyes. You need to show this to your husband. You all need to do a deep cleaning to get that urine smell out of the house.
I would see if there are any programs in your area that can help. The states have programs that will have a person come in and do what you are paying for. Also if they are on medicare there are programs that will help without paying out for it.
Prayers
Perfect way of putting it.
“tag — you’re it”.
I hope you find a solution OP!
Please follow the earlier advice about placement. Get a map, look for nursing homes within a reasonable driving distance from your home, and (assuming you’re in the US) call each one to ask if they have 2 Medicaid or “public aid” beds available. Let them know your GPs would like to share a room if possible. That placement would cost you and your H nothing and Grandpa’s VA benefits would probably help. But whoever has the GP’s medical PoA (H’s mom?) would need to be involved, to approve the placement.
Don't you think of shelling out a cent to house them; and speaking of that, what contribution is being made by whom to your household budget to cover their costs?
For myself, I could not do this, and it is as simple as that. You are, I can imagine, making your children pay a price for this in attention they need at this time.
I think you have hard decisions ahead and I can't imagine how you will make them. There is no way to do a "fix it" on this that is without grief or tears. But I think only you and your husband, sitting together to discuss options and limitations, can make these decisions.
I honestly cannot even begin to imagine what you have on your plate. I am so sorry and I wish you well.