My Father has always been my rock and the only person I have ever looked up to and admired. He is now in a nursing home where he will spend the rest of his days. This has been over 5 years of caring for him and finding the best Care Home and then Nursing Home that I feel would provide the best possible care that he needs, where he would happy and safe where people do this work because they genuinely care. I don’t know if everyone feels like I do, but to put your parents care in to the hands of someone else, to me is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do. He’s my Father and have to know he’s safe happy and really cared for. So I’m one of these people that has to know absolutely everything, research, ask questions etc. before I leave him in someone else’s hands. I do think from what I’ve seen and heard that a lot of children put their parents in to Care and Nursing Homes , they are off their hands and so don’t really bother about their parents because someone else is now looking after them. I feel completely lost without caring for him at home and I feel guilty about everything even though it wasn’t my decision at all it was the hospitals decision because it wasn’t safe for him to live alone in his own house. I would have carried on caring for him solely but it was the right decision for him and he is happy. But I constantly feel guilty, but I have felt guilty about everything my whole life. Does anyone else feel and think like me?
Unfortunately, it is the buzz word of the 21st century, used without understanding its true meaning. You did nothing but support and do the best things for your father, you should feel proud, there is no room for guilt. It is counterproductive and will keep you stuck within a prison with invisible bars, all self-created.
Visit him and be happy that he is safe and well cared for.
I, like you, was lucky in having wonderful people for parents. And a wonderful brother. And I thank goodness my brother had wonderful care his last year and one half. Every time I read extended care disasters here I thank all the powers that be for Pacific Senior Living in Palm Springs. I never SAW such dedication and love in a staff that was expected to have not just a job, but a vocation, and who did have just that.
I think you and I were lucky in finding great care. I think it is rare as hen's teeth. I think we are rare in having stellar parents and loved ones who were our heroes. You sound like me..................thankful. Quite simply THANKFUL.
My best out to you.
71 yr old man found dead at rehab center in Florida
Yet I don't feel it's right for me to use. To me, rocks can also appear unchanging & unmoving. While us humans change & move location through our lives. Actually.. maybe rocks DO sometimes move. Get moved by the forces of nature.
I am now picturing this steady, noble rock.. Rolling slowly down a hillside. Coming to rest near a beautiful stream for it's next stage.
I am such a fan of rocks. When I go visit my DD in Washington State, where she lives footsteps from Puget Sound, I DAILY walk the shores looking at rocks. When we lived near Yosemite I watched the rocks.
I HAVE three PERFECT rocks after a lifetime of looking, and I hold them and think on them, and their long lives.
Beatty-----------what you wrote touched me to the quick.
Thanks!
(Someone asked me what I would do on my last day. Pretty much wander looking at rocks and driftwood, how the time wore down to the beauty I see in them.)_
We love our adult children, especially our 63 Y/O son, with whom we are very close. He and his wife still work F/T but will retire in a few years. They have worked very hard for many years and have earned their retirement. We want them to ENJOY it, however that evolves for them. One thing for sure: providing hands-on care for us will NOT be on the agenda! We seriously hope that they will NEVER feel guilty about helping us choose a good facility (within our means) if our care needs exceed what can reasonably be provided in our home.
As a quintessential introvert, I would not expect to be completely "happy" in a care facility, but I've had my life. I hope that I would accept placement, if necessary, with at least a modicum of grace. (Please, if possible, let me have my own room though!)
Unfortunately, we cannot decide how end of life years work out. There is a huge need for assisted living because we are not qualified nurses or aides.
Visit often and become your dad's advocate.
REMEMBER THIS. It is the most important quality of his life.
If you've felt guilt / guilty your entire life, consider your response 'now' is totally normal and expected. This doesn't make it easier for you to cope / deal with the situation necessarily although it might give you a glimmer of self-compassion / self-support looking at the bigger picture.
* Give yourself space emotionally and psychologically to process / feel through this huge change. One way I might do it would be to have a 'counter response' ready (in my head or on paper if you prefer to write out feelings) would be something like:
- I feel so guilty that dad is in a nursing home.
Counter thought: He will be well taken care of - much more attention with staff, managers and administrator than I could do alone. I will visit as much as I can. I will see about getting regular visitors (other family members and/or volunteers).
- I feel just awful about about his living situation.
Counter thought: He was not safe living alone. He is MUCH more - if not 100% more safer now - and he feels happy. I did good for years loving him and that won't stop. I did the right thing even though it feels sad to me.
- I wish I felt better about this transition, moving dad into a nursing home.
Counter thought: Yes, I do wish the situation was different and transitions are natural / normal as a person ages and needs more care. I did everything I could and give myself credit for caring / loving him when he was at home ... and I will continue to ensure he is getting the best care possible.
- Will my feelings of guilt ever change?
Counter thought: Therapy would be a good resource for me now. I'll check into that as I want to release this guilt and INTERNALIZE all the GOOD I did for my dad over my lifetime. I want to be as healthy as possible for myself, and for him - to be the 'best me' when with him.
Learn to interrupt repetitive negative thought patterns: When you feel guilty, counter that will thinking of the good times with your dad ... think of pleasant experiences with him. Shift out / change your mind set as soon as you can as the guilt / negative feelings won't serve you or your dad at all. You can train your mind to 'snap out of it' with intention.
What I did for my friend-companion: I bought him his favorite foods for dinner (or lunch) which he preferred to the meals served there. When you visit (or others), if food is a pleasant experience for him, let him eat whatever he wants. My "Jerry" was losing weight so I bought pizza, desserts, pastrami sandwiches (which he ate with no teeth) ... everything he liked.
Let me know if these ideas might support you in 'reframing' the situation and how you feel. It might be considered COGNITIVE THERAPY ... I am not sure and that doesn't really matter although that model of healing / processing feelings is a viable / helpful one.
Always reflect to yourself: The huge GIFT to you that your dad feels HAPPY.
A lot of how he feels now ("happy") is due to how you've loved and cared for him over the decades. You did good. Real good. Give yourself credit and counter the 'guilt' when it creeps ... with awareness and intention, you can do this.
Here's a hug, Gena / Touch Matters
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