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Dad can't change any of the annoying, repetitive things he does. and you are correct...he is frightened and if you put him in a home it will break his heart. Moreover, you may end up going thru an anguished grieving for years which is based on guilt...even though it's not warranted. Add to that...you will not find it easy to forgive your husband. You've been a good wife and it sounds to me like your husband has some issues that may be from dementia or Alzheimer's. And everyone's dementia carries with it the basic personality of the person themselves. Your husband's selfishness will get more so. In the end your depression will likely surpass his. I don't think he resents not having spent more time with his parents instead of yours. He admits his own selfishness...and that's usually a character trait that everyone close to him is victim of. I went thru a similar situation with my own husband and a parent and I can only tell you what I wish I had done. I wish I had told my husband to do what he had to in order to be happy and that I would do what I had to in order for me to be happy. Bottom line.....I would have cared for my mother in my home until her last breath. and made sure my husband had everything he needed to set up housekeeping in his own small apartment.
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I don't know the general health of your father. Macular degeneration in one eye and loss of hearing in an ear doesn't have to be debilitating. Does he have other physical problems? From what you wrote, he sounds very social and willing to interact with other people. I wonder if he would like to go to the senior center in your area, meet other people -- maybe a special lady, maybe learn to dance, and get back into living. If he gets back into living, your problems may work themselves out.
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First a pat on the back for caring for your parents in their last years. It appears your father at 97 is really quite healthy, this will however slowly change so the demands will increase over time. I think he is probably trying to get used to the loss of your mother and the scary feelings come from aging without her by his side. You and your devoted care is lessening the loss. As far as the please and thank yous they become less common as the elder becomes more needy. It doesn't mean he does not appreciate what you do.

Your husband seems to come from a different family structure and has not been used to helping his own elderly parents. He likes being around happy, healthy people and I think he is more scared of your dad as a symbol of what is ahead for him because after all he is 67 not 47. The old if I am not seeing the state of elderly people I will not age myself ---good luck with that --not the real world.

Your husband should help with your father because he loves you and wishes to help you out.

However, you can always get a home health aide in to lessen the load on you if he refuses to help. This would give the 2 of you more time together and since the husband resents and wants all of your attention, you can give him more.
I think over time you will find a balance but I don't think the husband's demands are realistic, so you will have to adopt an attitude where his dislike rolls off your back.

I would be worried that in 20 years if I need his help for a medical problem, he may not be capable of stepping up to the plate.

Good luck, you deserve better treatment. Sorry to hear of your mother's recent passing also.
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It sounds like you take good care of yourself, which should always be your first concern. If you don't take good care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. Do you have any siblings that could take Dad out for the day now and then or even just come and spend some time with him so that you could spend more time with your husband? Do you have children that would like to spend some time with Grandpa? I wish you well. I moved back home with my Dad about a year after my Mom passed away. My Dad and your Dad sound pretty similar. I'm not married, but when my boyfriend comes to visit, things can get challenging because Dad still wants to be the center of attention. Unfortunately, my brothers are too busy to help.
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If you are determined to make this work, then you'll have to step back and see how they do when you have taken some time for yourself.

I'd like to mention that your husband may feel some anger or jealousy because his parents were across the country and he saw very little of them throughout their last years yet you parents have lived with you. Right or wrong, this needs to be considered. It's not as if he didn't give anything at all. He now has health issues, including depression and paranoia. He could even be having early signs of dementia and he may be aware of that and frightened.

You can only handle so much. As was mentioned by others, there are some excellent assisted living facilities where your dad would have company and may actually feel less dependent than he does under this current situation.

You can only handle so much. Your husband has illnesses he can't help and you may collapse yourself, mentally and/or physically if you don't make changes. To me it's either accept how things are and step back to see what happens when you decide to take some time off or make changes that will enable you all to have a less stressful life.

None of this is easy and no one but you can make these decisions for you. We're here to listen, however. Please keep us posted on how you are doing,
Carol
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I'm not in your situation, but my heart hoes out to you.

For your stress I'd strongly recommend Mindfullness Training (YouTube have huge selection of clips... 10 mins first thing/at lunch/before bed... brilliant at calming the noise. And really makes you understand what you are feeling. Absolutely got me through my mum's illness and eventual death (Sept)
Now just a couple of deep breaths can get me into a lovely calm relaxed state.

If only you could get your husband to do the same.
I agree he needs to see doctor. But the situation must indeed be super stressful for him. Especially as your house IS so small.

Is there a local daycentre you could take Dad to? If he is super chatty he make like it (and that audience have not heard all his stories before!)

You do need to start standing up for yourself a bit though, as you are absolutely an enabler in your mens' behaviour.
My dad sounds similar to yours. Like you I had learned to just let his personality wash over me because I used to clash with him all the time.
We now have a happy medium. I listen to him 99% nice and patient, but the elements of his personality that overstepped the mark I pull him up on (nicely)
His tendency to whinge and bitch about my siblings behind their backs was in particularly destructive. I have told him I will no longer listen when he starts bitching... have told him he should stip focussing on what he does not like in us, and focus on what is good. (I realised we had soaked up this trait and were all doing it! Not loving at all. Now trying to live by 'if you can't say something nice, say nothing'. We'd all be happier and more popular if we did.

So select the 'deal breaker' top 3 traits, and refuse to put up with/enable them. Goes for your dad and your husband.

I can't help but think your dad, at 97, could die any minute. So your time spent with him is precious.
But ensure you make seperate time for your marriage.
Day centres for dad? Respite stays for him so you can get away, or just have the house to yourselves for maybe 3-5 days?
Carers or friends/relatives coming to look after him so you and hubby can get away?

But make a conditin of some of this that your husband seek help for his depression, and does some meditation himself/with you, to bring his spirit back into balance.

Big virtual hug, you sound like someone I would be great friends with. What a lovely person you are!
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My dad took care of himself till he was 87 then had to go in hospital pneumonia and couldn't walk after 100days, of therapy I was helping him at home before he got sick running back and forth between two houses very stressful on me he is very demanding and I knew I had to find a nice place for him to be safe I looked at assisted living but they could not take him cause he's 2 person max assist care because he just stopped doing everything for himself so I found a group home just like living at home his own room home cooked meals cat dog if he likes animals other people his age to talk to and if you want to visit everyday you can I don't feel as stressed as I used to when he lived alone and I was running night and day between two homes I know that my dad could not live with me because he would need lots attention too which would also bother my husband and caretaking can ruin your health and your own life so I'm so great full to find a group home doesn't feel like a nursing home the only thing is that my dad still thinks he's in therapy and that he's going home one day I can't explain it to him he doesn't walk anymore and incontinent I can't do take care of him
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You say that the only alternate arrangement for your dad is a nursing home...what an assumption! Go take a look at independent living and assisted living centers! Your dad doesn't have to be lonely!
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Both men are happy in the own way, they are having all their needs met. The only one missing out is you. Its like alcholics and drugs addicts they dont have a problem only the people who love them. Start to value yourself. Take one day off a week and see how the men cope. Ask for help and try carers groups.Peace & Love
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I am wondering if you can afford to have 3-4 hours of companion care a few days a week to come into your home to offer you a break from caring for your Dad. I also believe you need your husband to be evaluated for his mental health concerns. It sounds like he needs meds and counseling. Then I think you would benefit from counseling. It sounds like you are trying to please everyone and need some support.
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You said, "I am looking for a way to make this work, not a way out of it."

Ain't gonna happen...you are seeking the impossible....Why impossible?
Because the operative word you use is "I" am seeking.....Your husband is not seeking the same thing....Result...Stalemate. Permanently.

Key is to cope with, not to make the problem go away...You CAN improve on the situation......Idea: Hubby goes out to the car and gets it warmed up....You get ready to go out to eat with hubby....Stop at front door and tell dad that his dinner is on the table and you will be back by about 8 or whatever....Close door and leave even if he is asking or saying something in return. Heartless?
Hardly....When you get back and he rants about it, just smile and say that you had plans with friends (each other) and say no more...if he persists just say you are not willing to discuss it.....

From what you say, I gather that such treatment will not change his endless chattering.....it may now include a measure (likely a large measure) of him railing and ranting....Repeat this going out routine at least every other day.

We can't change others......We can, with difficulty, change ourselves..

Your husband, yourself and your marriage come first as I see it. You ARE honoring dad already.

Your call....Tough words I know, but what price sanity?

Best,

Bob
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Good grief, two little boys! Seriously I feel sorry for you. You husband sounds selfish and your dad is old. You are catching all the stress from both. If your husband doesn't want his father in law living with him then you probably need to find other arrangements for your father. I think your husband comes first even if he is a bit selfish. And I agree with who ever said don't expect a lot of compassion from your husband if you should get sick. My mother is like your husband and she turned her back on her parents and my dad when things got tough.

Take care of yourself.
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Granny67, sounds like a lot of male ego roaming around your household bumping into each other. Hubby doesn't like his father-in-law, and Dad doesn't like the man who married his little girl.

In reality, your Dad would have more independents by living in assistant living... he'd be around people of his own age group with a lot of new ears to listen to him :) And when it comes to meals, since he will eat everything, eating in the facility dining room would be easy for him. There would be activities and day trips he can attend. Some of these assistant living places are so nice you might want to move there yourself just to get away from those two guys :P
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Do you have other family members who could take Dad for a week or so every now and again? I do agree they both need to be seen by a doctor for evaluation; medication may help one or both. It would certainly lessen your stress.

Would it be possible to contact social services for whatever assistance your Dad might qualify for in home or for respite care so you and hubby can get away for a few days or at the least a few hours a day during the week?

The situation just sounds emotionally unhealthy for all of you. My first responsibility is to my husband and always will be.
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Has your husband ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist? It sure sounds like he's got untreated depression or a personality disorder. Maybe his outlook would be improved by treatment.

As to your dad, I believe all elders are scared as they begin to face loss of independence, their mortality and the physical changes that come with aging. However, has YOUR DAD ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist? My mom refused all sorts of reasonable suggestions based on uninformed fear and anxiety. Getting these issues treated can relieve YOUR stress!
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Why should she cater to a man, who is jealous of a parent. Before you place in a nursing home to save your marriage, something to think about if He won't take care of your Dad; it follows he won't take care of you either.
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Is a nursing home the only other option for dad? What about assisted living? He'd be around others his own age and there would be things for him to do, instead of constantly being underfoot as you and your husband try to live your life.

I know you're not asking for this kind of feedback, but in my opinion, your desire to help your dad is admirable, but not at the expense of your marriage. Your husband is your first priority, not your dad. I think there are other options that would possibly be even better (and more empowering) for your dad - where he can live a fuller life that's not so dependent on you for everything. He can't feel good, knowing he's the source of much unhappiness in your household. Good luck whatever you choose. It sounds like you've got your hands full with both of the men in your life.
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I agree with Ever's reply. I'm caught in the same way you are except between 3 people, my parents and my husband. But its tough no matter how you look at it, wish you luck and if you come with solutions that work, let us know.
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You're not going to change your father and you're not going to change your husband. All you can do at this point is change how their behavior affects you. They both sound like overgrown babies and they don't need to be fighting over "mommy" (you, in this situation).

If your husband gets miserable enough will he leave? If it gets to that point then you'll have to choose: husband or father. Until then let them be miserable while you continue with your hobbies and interests. Don't try to make things easier for either of them, that keeps you square in the middle. Your husband is a grown up. If your dad is bugging him then your husband can get up and walk away or go on an errand.

But when your dad points at something he wants, as in "get that for me", I'd draw a big old line right there and refuse until he can speak like a civilized person. This is may be something you can try to change.
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